oomis

Only Reb. Kanievsky Z”L was Reb. Kanievsky. You have to be the best YOU and no one else. Learn from the middos of people whom you admire, but retain your own spirit and personality. Nothing that happens instantaneously tends to last. Every new middah that you accept on yourself is precious, and you don’t need to do it all at once. Make certain things a part of your world slowly, and bit by bit they will be permanent aspects of your observance.

I am not telling you to listen to or NOT listen to the type of music you like. I am advising you that there is always room for growth in all of us, and what you are not ready for today, may be something that you will eagerly incorporate into your hashkafa tomorrow. Do the best you can and make your observance NOW count, even if you are listening to music that some people feel is wrong for you. Many people feel it is wrong to listen to ANY secular music of any type, even classical music. Does that make all of us who do listen to it, NOT frum??????

SF: Approaching is fine. Going on a date just because someone approached you is not fine.”

I think approaching someone (in a respectable place and in a respectful way) is perfectly fine. I FURTHER think that if the person would like to go out with you (after her ascertaining from a decent amount of conversation that you are probably not an ax murderer or something), that it would be ok to go out for coffee or the like and thereafter make your inquiries. Both parties should keep it VERY public, and not give out more personal info than that with which you are both comfortable.

I have made no secret of the fact that I do not believe that everything has to always go through a shadchan, necessarily. People who are mature enough to be getting married, SHOULD be mature enough to assess whether or not they want to go out with someone whom they happen to meet. Sometimes THAT is the bashert thing that is meant to be (Yaakov and Racheyl meeting at the well) and happen in that way. We don’t always get a second chance.

I haven’t yet read these responses to your eloquently expressed question, so I may be repetitious of something that has been said. The tragedy of a divorce as you describe is always the people who suffer the most collateral damage – the children. Unless a father is mamesh abusive to his kids, there is no justification to rpeventing him from spending quality time with them, or badmouthing him. Kids should never be used as pawns by either side. Sadly, it IS often seen that the mothers consciously or unconsciously do this, especially when the divorce is acrimonious.

Leave the kids out of it. NEVER speak derisively of either parent to them. The parents may be divorcing, but the children are their children forever. Except in cases of physical or emotional abuse or chas v’sholom immoral behavior, NO one is the bad guy. Kids should not be made to feel they have to take sides. men shoudl give the GET and women should understand that the father will always be the father and he has the right to BE a father to them.

Some women may feel otherwise, especially if their exes spent very little time with the kids when they WERE married. Either way, one must deal with what IS and not with what SHOULD have been.

There are three, but none of them is appropriate to be posted on this type of forum.

No, I still keep seeing it sometimes!

V8 IS a good idea to get the benefits of eating veggies, but the best form is the wholesome whole foerm, which has all the fiber intact. How about mixing veggies into foods, like in a stir fry ot a wrap? Shred some zucchini and make DELICIOUS zucchini bread or muffins. You will NEVER know you are eating a vegetable item. mAke kugels from squash, or make tempura vegetables and fry them (yeah the oil and breading are not so good for you, but hey, we want you to get used to the taste).

(SHOCKER ALERT!!!!)

I agree with Popa.

Both my husband and I and our two married children all received engagement presents that were either not to our taste or not something we could use. We wrote gracious and appreciative notes to all the givers, but it was a waste of their money, as those things were never used by us.

I will give you just ONE example. Someone (long since passed away, so no chance of her reading this, and her family would not know about it) gave my husband and me a plastic table top radio that was designed to resemble the American Flag. That was actually one of the nicer impractical or not-to-our-taste gifts. I appreciated the thought of ALL givers of gifts, but money is the one thing that is ALWAYS the right color, usually the right size, and will be put to good use.

If someone is not sure of someone else’s taste, give cash or get something with a gift receipt (though it’s not always convenient to have to return things, also). I used to protest about this, but now I see that it is very practical to have a gift registry, where items have been pre-selected. If an item is too pricey, more than one person can chip in for it.

No one has a strict chiyuv to give gifts (hence the expression “gift” and not obligation). But if you already are giving one, it should be done in the right way, IMO.

I think a lot depends upon the way in which they let you down. If they do something immoral or unethical, that is very hard to get past. If they disappoint you by not living up to your expectations, i.e., they are not THERE for you when you think they ought to be, that is something you have to examine inside yourself, to see if maybe your expectations are unrealistic.

People, including heroes, are human. We all err.

There is a difference between being a baalas chessed, and being a shmattah. The shmattah is only perceived as good as its last good job. You can do something 1,000 times for someone, but if the 1,001st time you say no, all the good you did is forgotten quickly.

There is such a thing as being good to a fault. If your friend is neglecting her family in order to do these things for other people, her priorities need to be reassessed. Quickly.

The frum divorce rate has risen exponentially and sadly is keeping up with the secular world, comparatively speaking. One in two secular marriages ends in divorce. I don’t know the statistics for frum Jews (and they are included in the secular count, as well, because the stats are compiled from ALL civilly-granted divorces)in terms of GET, but it is clear that the numbers are MUCH MUCH higher than when I was growing up.

Part of that is because the general stigma of divorce has been removed. When I was a kid, it was a whispered behind closed doors type of shanda for someone to get divorced, and people stayed together for the sake of the kids (making no judgment here about whether or not that is really good for the kids). Nowadays, there are so many people divorcing, it is almost chalilah “fashionable.” There was even once a joke in a movie about someone thinking he would make some woman he just met the next future EX-Mrs. So and So. I did not find the line funny. Truthfully, I am starting to think there IS something to staying together for the sake of the kids. Stick-to-it-iveness is a good thing, unless there is real physical or emotional abuse going on. Then all bets are off.

Another issue is that kids are being convinced to get married after a REALLY relatively short time, not spending enough time with each other to really get to know each other, and don’t have a realistic view of marriage, especially if they are going from mommy and daddy’s house where they were supported, into theirown house, and still being supported. Often the girls are becoming pregnant almost immediately, before they even have time to adjust to being married. In the best case scenario, pregnancy can be tiring, overwhelming, uncomfortable (see the posts about needing a housekeeper). Add that discomfort to the mix of adjusting to another person’s eating habits, sleeping habits, hygiene, and housekeeping habits, and you have a recipe for disaster for many young couples today.

I would love to see Chosson and Kallah teachers give realistic classes to their respective students. How about an assignment to draw up a budget based on a limited amount of monthly funds? How about a WHAT IF questionnaire and discussion period, to see how the CH and K would handle different scenarios (i.e., he wants to learn full time but she has to quit her job or gets fired for some reason, and finds she is expecting and physically may not do any work or is bedridden because of a threatened miscarriage or the like)? How will they handle in-law problems, like interference or support with strings attached. What if it is only one-sided? Etc.

These and of course the usual other reasons, are why there is a rising divorce rate among frum people, as well as the general population. It is not to say that people cannot get married after YEARS of knowing each other and STILL get divorced, but the phenomenon of seeing newlyweds break up, is getting worse each year. My son now has at least three or four close friends who are divorced, or miserable in their recent marriages. That is appalling to hear.

They are adorable, and yes, quite edible. It’s a VEGETABLE, people!

Buffalo and beef. Why not, they are of the bovine specie? It’s not like a sheep and cow were crossbred. Ask your LOR. I cannot bring myself to ear buffalo meat, for some reason, though.

First of all, please accept my deepest condolences for both your losses. I have been through what you went through, and though I am a female and didn’t have the chiyuv of davening with a minyan and saying Kaddish every day, it was a terrible nisayon. My father O”H was niftar 20 years ago this past month. I had yahrtzeit for him just before the new chodesh. We had barely recovered from the klop of his loss, which was very, very sudden, when my mother O”H followed him five months later, having had a stroke on her birthday, four months after his death. He died within a day and a half. She lingered for a month, and died after Pesach on Shabbos mevorchim. I am not sure which petirah hit us the hardest.

There are no words of consolation to really offer when something like this occurs. It is a feeling of aveilus in constant repetition, because you don’t have the closure that the first year brings and must go through it again. I am so sorry for this being the case, as I vividly recall the weight of our sorrow.

It took me a solid three years before I could even think of either of my parents without bursting into tears, and I am still emotional when I speak of either of them (even now, as I am typing this). But life goes on, as it is supposed to do, and you will get through this nisayon, daunting as it may feel right now.

I wish you MANY simchos in the future. Your Rav is right – we do not get a pass in life and never have some kind of tzorah. But the truth is, the sadness helps us to recognize and appreciate the tov, as well.

I agree with DaMoshe. Go to a specialist, if you have been trying for a year with no success. i would also recommend chiropractic care. I knwo someone who was married for 10 infertile years, who tried medical procedures that did not help, and finally gave up on all of them. Many months later, she decided to go to a friend who was a chiropractor, for regular adjustments. Within two months she was pregnant, and after having her healthy son, became pregnant with her daughter 15 months later.

lets just say the cake didnt make it out of the pan in one piece”

Wow – it must have been really yummy, if you couldn’t wait long enough to take the whole cake out of the pan. 🙂

Cooking is about learning how to take a disaster and trun it into something great.I once cooked chicken SO soft that it couldn’t be plated, it was falling apart. I pulled it apart, added some cooked vegetables and a little marinara sauce, and served it like a casserole.

With a chocolate cake that has crumbled, make it even more crumbled and use it to top ice cream, or layer it with vanilla ice cream to make a parfait. Much it like playdough and roll into balls, then roll in confectioner’s sugar, cocoa, chopped nuts or melted chocolate. Chill and voila – truffles!. It’s all about using what you have, even when it seems to be unsalvageable.

I don’t want to discourage meshulachim also, but they are coming to YOUR home, so they should be respectful of YOUR neeeds. When your baby is sleeping, they should NOT be bothering you. I don’t care WHO they are. Your priority is your child.

My deepest condolences on your recent loss. Auf simchas. I think you should write in your father’s name with O”H or “deceased” in parentheses. So sorry.

Am I being unreasonable to not allowing her to hire a housekeeper”

In a word YES. I am not yet reading anyone else’s responses, because I had such a visceral reaction to your post. I think you sound like a good husband and person. But unless your wife was like this before pregnancy, you cannot possibly know how tiring pregnancy is for all of the nine months. I used to fall asleep sitting up during my lunch hour at work. I was physically uncomfortable as I became larger, and didn’t have the energy I needed to work full time and then work at home as well. Even when I stopped working in the last trimester, I literally had no energy on a regular basis. I did the laundry, the cooking, and shopping, but couldn’t do major housework and cleaning.

Give your wife a break. Unless she has been acting like a princess since you met her, compromise and get her cleaning help for a couple of hours once a week to do the heavy work (floors, carpets, bed making, etc.), Show her that you understand. After the baby comes, it will be MUCH harder for her to keep a neat house. Some women are such behriyahs that they can do it all. Many cannot, and should not be made to feel like lesser persons because of that. If money is not an issue, hire someone. Most people do.

You really do sound like a good guy, so please think about this. I haven’t had cleaning help for over 15 years, but when I was pregnant and/or had children running around, I really could not handle the workload myself at all.

*****I just decided to read some of the other posts. Please reread the wisdom that many gave over. You are a newlywed. Do what you have to, to keep the woman who is carrying your baby, happy, and bless her for being the one that gets to feel all the discomforts of pregnancy, labor, and delivery, that you do not, while bringing this child into the world b’shaa tova. AND, all this, while adjusting to the first year of marriage. Don’t forget to tell her how much you value and appreciate her. Hatzlacha rabbah.

For the lawyers who are in the CR – How do I go about getting an order of protection against a cyber bully who is slandering me?

There is no question in my mind that being really proficient in Talmud, predisposes someone to having the type of thinking that does well in law school, too. That said, get the secular education AND the Torah education, and let one enhance the other.

Since we are telling yartzeit stories… Tonight/tomorrow is my mother-in-law’s yartzeit AND that of her eldest granddaughter, the daughter of my sister-in-law.

My mother-in-law was not a frum woman, but except for my own parents, I have never seen a greater baalas chessed. With my father-in-law’s haskama, when they got married they moved her elderly parents in with them so she could take care of them until they died at ripe old ages. She also took in with them her newly-widowed sister and HER two children, until she got back on her feet. After the sister moved out and the parents passed away, she took care of her elderly mother-in-law. With all the siblings on both sides of the family, no one was willing to do what she did, and she did it with kovod and with simcha.

What was her reward in this Olam? I wish I could say that she had a long, healthy life. She didn’t, She was struck legally blind and mostly crippled through a devastating stroke, when my husband was just past Bar-Mitzvah age. She endured many corneal transplants to no avail, and developed severe rheumatoid arthritis. SO her life was spent bed-ridden in terrible pain, needing to rely on my dear shver to see to all of her needs (that is how they both wanted it).

But – she also was zochah to see her only son become frum, get married and raise children who are all Ohavei Torah. She was very much loved by her daughter-in-law. who called her every day to chat about the aineklach’s chochmos (and if I was repetitious at times, it was all good, because she loved hearing whatever I had to tell her).

Her very final act was to be shomeres Shabbos. When I called her erev Shabbos before she had the final stroke that ended her life, I could tell her speech sounded slurred and off. I told my husband he HAD to spend Shabbos with his parents, because something was going on. So he went, and in the morning, my father-in-law wanted to turn on the TV, because being blind, her only pleasure was in at least hearing the TV programs that she loved when she was still sighted. Her response, “No. No TV. (my husband’s name) is here and it’s Shabbos.” She had what was to become her fatal stroke a few hours later, and she was nifteres a couple of days after that.

Everything my husband was and is, is because of the wonderful parents he had. May her neshama have an aliyah.

I would love to be their shvigger.

DaMoshe – are there any more at home like you? +1

Zeh lo chashuv and let it be a kapara.

Oomis: Flip side being, hitting them with the full magnitude of the responsibility isn’t going to encourage them to get married.”

Perhaps, but that is something that I see specific to the present generation. It certainly was not the case when I got married nearly 37 years ago. Our generation (we old folk) have spoiled many of our children by infantilizing them, making all their decisions for them (even before they get to go out on a date, we are selecting and rejecting their potential shidduchim, sometimes based on the most shallow and foolish criteria), and always bailing them out andnot letting them learn to stand on their own two feet. Once in a while, this is a help to one’s children. But time and again to do so – it does them no favor.