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Oomis
Good point
I told my sister(when we were kids) no one would want to marry her with her temper (she once made a hole in my wall with the doorknob by smashing in the door when angry). B’H, she’s happily married. The jokes on me!
When a really popular guy rejected a girl I was friends with in a really public way (it shamed her publicly), and I did not stand up for her. I was a coward. I saw her suffer and my not standing up for her hurt her more.
I just let our cleaning lady go. She was very nice, but very irresponsible. She once needed to leave early, so (without checking with me first) she asked her niece to come over and help her clean. I learned about this arrangement by walking into my bedroom and finding her and a “stranger” standing in my room together! Other times she didn’t show and simply didn’t call, claiming “doctor’s appointment” the next time she’d arrive. What ever happened to phones??
Another one was hired through an agency. She came in and immediately said in an authoritarian voice: “the agency charges such and such, but EVERYONE pays me this much!” I never asked to have her back again.
Or how about the one who works for several months, then just stops showing up, then calls a year or two later, out of the blue, asking if you need cleaning help!?!
I know tons of single women in their thirties, forties and fifties. None of them are happy being single. I don’t know enough about statistics to respond to the notion there are more women than men. However, what I attribute to the problem is the notion of being able to do or get better. Working women who are well paid (and who want working spouses, which many do at this stage) will hold out for someone earning more than a decent living. Many men want very thin women (size 2-4) and will hold out for that.
I think 50 or 100 years ago people were satisfied with less. Also, the outgrowth of so many variations of the orthodox in Yiddishkeit, instead of offering more options, has led to fewer appropriate matches.
We are not “maspik b’muat”.
Frankly, I have no idea how to set people up. One of the last shidduchim I tried to make resulted in a poor reaction. The woman agreed to meet the man, and was so upset about the match, refused to speak to me for 6 months afterwards. Gratitude goes a long way, even if it’s off the mark. Also, when people are so picky that they grill me about the match and hesitate, take forever to agree, then want to know more….. Well, it reaches a point where I am discouraged from investing more energy and time.
I think all Shuls should have a data base of singles, so that Shuls can maybe cross reference and help singles to be set up.
Normally, I’d suggest you speak to her directly. It sounds like you’re both running into the same issue: who’s the “senior” person.
Since this is your mom’s house, I’d suggest you involve her in this. Let her know from your perspective what’s been going on. Your mom, presumably, sets the house rules:who sits in the front seat, who’s in charge in the kitchen, etc. Time for your mom to take control back. Sounds like your sister is acting like your home is HER domain, therefore, I think it’s time for your mom to remind her it’s her own domain, and how she’d like the two of you to act and share responsibilities and privileges. Ideally, this would have been worked out between the two of you prior to your trip to Eretz Yisroel, but since it was not, now would be a good time as any to re-establish those roles and boundaries and practice living them. Your mom might have to put her in her place. It sounds like you’ve tried peaceful methods.
It’s not a gemach, but it might help, and it might be affordable…
The Gownery
694 Central Avenue, Cedarhurst, NY
516-319-0786
sunday 12-5
Mon, Tue, Thurs 11-5
wed 4-8
(otherwise by appointment)
they rent gowns for:
mother of the bride or groom
sister of the bride or groom
maternity gowns
and jewelry and accessories
I just saw this advertisement tonight in The Jewish Home magazine (five towns). Good timing!!!
Hope it helps!
(If it’s not too late…) How about the conflict that was reported at Yeshivas Ponovicz regarding who has the right to a particular chair in the bais medrash? One side claims it’s theirs, as they’ve occupied the seat for many years, the other side claims it’s theirs, as they owned it prior to the first family’s “ownership”. You can research it on this website, under prior topics.
Be very careful who you discuss your dates with. A “friend” of mine from seminary once heard I was seeing someone. She called me and asked if he is as “nerdy” as his brother is. The person I was seeing was a very special person, but I was having some issues with attraction. That set me over the edge and definately affected my perception and response.
I had not even told anyone I was seeing him, but his brother’s wife apparently must have called for a recommendation and this was the result of that.
So, for person “dating”, be careful who you tell (and talk to) and for the people/family checking, be careful who you ask. A “talker” can ruin a shidduch.
We live in NY and walk a mile to and from shul every shabbos. Makes no difference where you live; you go where you like to daven.
So, who is gog??
What is a troll ???
What is a “moredes”? Does that come from the word “lehoreed” (as in “one who brings down”)?
If her husband is not interested in her anyway, is she still considered a moredes??
Are there any interpretations of who gog and Magog will be?
Please tell me you’re not in kollel or a rebbi, as your profile lists. That would be a sore disappointment, given your post.
Stop drinking L O N G before bed. Go to the bathroom a few times before you go to sleep and have your mom wake you once or twice at night, under the guise of needing to speak with you privately. No one will know. Practice waking yourself up several times a night (use an alarm clock) for as many weeks as you have to practice to get your body used to waking for the bathroom. In a pinch, change to pj’s when everyone else does, and be the last to fall asleep, so that you can put on protective undergarments (pull up, they have them in larger sizes) when you’re the only one awake and no one will be the wiser.
A sleep over also does not have to be the only way to plan a bar mitzva. I had a sleep over/kiddush for my bas mitzvah, but no one else I knew did, or even does for their simchas.
If saying “thank you” feels weird or awkward, you can use language that is more natural and common between yourself and your parents.
If they see you as aloof and a bit distant, you can say indirect statements to complement her food like “this really hits the spot!” or “better than __________” (fill in a well known upscale restaurant name). Pretend you’re talking to yourself out loud (in an audible tone so that she can hear).
Your mom will get it, and she will really appreciate the complement, however indirect.
It’s very hard and awkward to try to change the dynamics in a relationship. Sometimes, with the passage of time, gradual changes in interaction become normal.
Goodness, why assume it’s a joke? How painful this must be if it’s not. Is it worth that assumption?
I remember years ago visiting a former classmate of mine from seminary who lived in Israel. She became engaged to a working boy, and her younger sister, who was in elementary school (!!!) talked with me privately about her worries about how her sister’s choice would affect her in shidduchim (years later). It’s no joke. These are real concerns, not to be taken lightly.
What your sister is experiencing does put you in an awkward position. Such behavior on your parents part, can and will affect the choice you make with regard to a spouse. You’re fearful of standing up to them now. Why assume it will be any different later? What if you met an amazing learning boy, and only later found out he planned to work after a year or two? You might pass him up because of a traumatic memory of maltreatment of another. As tough as this might be, I would not suggest turning a blind eye. If you must, have your sister initiate the call to the rav to request his intervention.
Your father is not wrong for feeling the way he does, but his choice of response can permanently damage a relationship, with far reaching repercussions. He is sending a very confused mixed message that torah is everything to him, and that he does not have to keep mitzvos bein adam lechaveiro if someone rejects (his idea) of a full torah lifestyle. He has forgotten that derech eretz kadma letorah. You may not be the one to effectively remind him of this. Speak to your father’s rav and explain how this is ripping your family apart.
Your father may think that by expressing his displeasure it will influence them. Problem is, it might influence them to pull away and he could lose the opportunity to have a relationship with his future grandchildren.
It sounds like you come from a family that is committed to Torah. Try to view your life with emunah that H’ will bring you whoever is your intended one, and he will not discount you over the choices of a sibling.
You never stated how you feel about your sister’s choice of lifestyle. Do you view it as rejecting frumkeit? If so, it’s no surprise that you would fear someone else rejecting you over the same judgements. If, however, you continue to view them as frum, albeit having made different choices about how to lead a frum lifestyle, then you might attract someone with a like minded point of view (who believes in ailu v’ailu divrei…..).
Cousins can marry. My first cousin was suggested to me as a shidduch.
I know of a chashuv rav in boro park who has at least one child, if not more, who married a cousin.
There is no such thing as a platonic relationship. At some point or another, one or both will begin to see the other as the opposite gender, not just family. If you’re interested, pursue it; if not, make it clear. Be friendly, but not close.
Always runs
I think throwing her out on ****** is not the answer. If someone does something unusual or against our beliefs, I think it is incumbent upon us to ask them about it and to clarify that the shul is a very traditional one where specific roles and customs are adhered to and to please abide by them or locate a “synagogue” that permits veering from mainstream thought (that her presence is welcome in the context of keeping with the Shuls beliefs and customs). Throwing a person out, ke-ilu in anger, should rarely be an option, except where a discussion has already been had and still the person chooses publicly to ignore requests.
Wasn’t bar-kamtza thrown out in anger despite his begging to be allowed to remain to avoid embarrassment (and see what that brought)?
Believe it or not, I actually thought about asking a shailah wether or not I should take it upon myself to put on tefillin since my husband is not. I worry about the consequences of his not doing that, for the whole family. I just don’t think I’m prepared to take this upon myself long term, which is why I never bothered to ask. I am VERY traditional in my beliefs, and generally don’t veer from the mainstream, so my thinking this is pretty much out of desperation. Who knows why she’s doing it or wether she asked a shailah. The talis thing does sound strange.
When the paint was peeling from our ceiling, my 3 year old said, there’s a rip on the roof.
Ad meah v’esrim
L’H haaretz umeloah
Jaimies beauty supplies sounds familiar. I don’t remember the name, sorry. I bought the shaitel heads and boxes from my shaitel macher. They don’t sell everything, though, so it might be better to check out a place that can supply everything (and choices) so you can select what you like.
Try to find out what you can before going out on another date. How well does this shadchan know him? I would tell the shadchan that you had trouble getting to know him; that he seemed to be having an off day and didn’t seem himself (don’t be specific). Try to ask general questions about what his personality is like… Is he quiet, loud, jokey, gregarious, what are his friends like (this is very telling. My sister, who’s very quiet always befriended the quieter girls, I, who am very loud and outgoing, have always befriended the louder more assertive girls who joke more. I think we choose friends who reflect ourselves or who we strive to be). I think his personality is more important than whether he talks about past dates. You can always address that at a later point n time. It’s a bad habit that can be broken. Not so for personality. The fact that you were nice to him on the first date should have no bearing on your decision whether to date him or not. Being nice to him is an expected courtesy. Going out with him again is not. Meet him again if you think you can get more information or can confirm or dispel any beliefs you have about him.
Tums
Why do you assume those I talk to in real life are offering assistance? I have been “assisted” by my so called “best friend” to remain in my marriage despite the fact that my husband has been physically, verbally, emotionally abusive, controlling and doesn’t keep basic mitzvos like tefillin etc. I have no intention of basing my life decisions on the responses of those on the Internet, however, the support and outraged responses I’ve received from others does help to strengthen my back bone to re-assess my choice to remain given my circumstances. The advice that I got from others on this forum was that based on what I’ve told, it would be prudent to speak with someone from shalom task force (something I never thought of nor has anyone in my circles mentioned to me). Frankly, I don’t think that’s bad advice, nor is it a decision to stay or go.
Talking to others on the net allows a person to get an unbiased opinion about their situation. Many people that I spoke to who I was close with were reluctant to advise me to leave because they fear my being alone long term and the repercussions of that decision. People who also know a family member first hand may have a hard time believing they are anything than what they present themselves to be in front of others. It also enables people to tap into source of others with possibly more life experience or a more balanced perspective.
I think there’s a place on Coney Island Avenue between Ave I and J (closer to J) that sells kallah packages of shaitel accessories (I’m sure you can buy individual pieces as well). I’ve seen them advertised in frum magazines. Maybe, check them out.
People may have advised him not to tell on the first date or until you see if there’s potential. If you decide to ask him about it, be careful not to lead him into a conversation about his job, with the purpose of testing his honesty and then confronting the lie. You could be over on”lifnei eever…”. I would ask a rav how to address it.
Why would you want to continue to spend time with him? Dating is supposed to be wanting to know more about the person. You don’t seem interested to know more. If he seems depressed, most likely he is (and this is when he’s on his “best” behavior). Mention it to the shadchan who can suggest he get the help before he brings this out with the next one.
What video are you talking about? Where can this video be seen?
Mike hall… What kind of e-mails do you send him?
I struggle with the same thing even though I didn’t say it. You’re just more courageous to share your issues in order to get the help. I’ve decided to work on my emunah at this time (with less formal tefillah/mainly tehillim that I know by heart and bakashos. I took on the role of being frummer faster than I was ready for. Now I have to backtrack and work on myself more slowly/baby steps and acknowledge where I’m at versus where I’m not yet at, so that I can grow in a more solid way.
Mike hall,
I checked out rav brody’s website. Amazing. I found what he wrote today very inspirational.
Queen bee,
Check it out. It shook me in my boots to start working on myself more. Maybe you’ll feel the same way.
Challenges that go “unresolved” can make us feel very alone, and those feelings would be naturally more pronounced after investing time and effort to ask for help with, what seems like, no response.
I remember when I went to the kotel the first time, all my classmates from seminary were looking at me awaiting some awestruck response to the place (kedusha) where we were at. I felt nothing (like if you were, lehavdil, staring at a brick wall and people expected your jaw to drop) and was ashamed I felt nothing. I later came to understand that a large part of that experience is actually having a connection to H’sh-em, which I had, as yet, to build. Part of my connection and feeling was built on the frequency that I visited the kotel, and I think it’s the same with davening. It won’t feel meaningful talking to “someone” who is like a stranger, but that’s ok. All relationships are awkward in the beginning. Give yourself time, and forgive yourself for feeling mad and abandoned. If all your tefilla consists of telling H’sh-em that you’re mad at Him for not being there for you in the way you feel you need and to please help you build your bitachon to accept what comes your way, that is a really meaningful tefilla. Just by talking to H’sh-em you are acknowledging that He is the Borei Olam and the source of where to turn for help. It’s like building a muscle; the more you use it (talking to H’sh-em) the stronger it gets. I think there are some sources that say that, for a woman, simply saying a bakosha is sufficient.
You might want to try to lower your expectations of yourself a bit.
If you haven’t been davening you need to make davening/speaking with H’sh-em meaningful. Aim small with your goals and try to keep that up for a day or two and see how that feels. Think about what’s meaningful to you, what you hope for or need help with and then try to find tehillim that have some common language with those ideas. Also, you might want to temporarily choose the most primary tefilos instead of saying the entire psukei d’zimra, which requires a much bigger commitment of time and energy.
Be careful who you are friends with. When I hang out with friends who believe sarcasm is funny (it’s passive aggressive) it influences me. Check that your friends are respectful, soft spoken women who are careful with their speech. It will influence you to be the same.
Check out “nefesh Chaya” by Rav Shimshon Pincus, zt’l. He writes about the role of women. It’s an easy read, enjoyable, and inspirational. It’s filled with information that will inspire you to be a better person.
A smaller shul where the people are really welcoming and looking to grow and are non-judgmental. A shul that welcomes everyone, yet has a very frum core. Nigunim, not chazzanus. A place where davening means something and people want to connect with Hash-em, but they won’t yell at people or give them dirty looks if they can’t get their kids to be quiet…..a rav who’s reachable and wants to connect.
Why don’t you try to model how to participate in a conversation when you don’t have that “thing” (topic of discussion) in common. She may feel awkward and may feel compelled to make up stories just to participate and then goes on to embellish to fill the void from insecurity that she feels. Try to do this periodically and even mention later how you felt awkward and that you decided to ride out the conversation. If she’s not the only one without these items/experiences she may begin to feel more secure and realize it means nothing negative about her. Clearly, you can’t be expected to do this forever; she needs to work on herself. Unfortunately, it sounds like it bothers you a lot more than her. She may get the message, eventually, when people begin to ignore her/comments.
I don’t know the hours of the shaitel macher’s (so you’d have to call), but I did hear that Tori wigs has pre-cuts.
It’s all a charade, and she knows it. Deep down, she’s getting the approval from them that she so craves but probably disapproves of and maybe even despises herself for telling lies. The more lies she tells the more she has to continue to tell to build upon those lies. It’s a fragile tower in danger of falling and exposing /destroying her at any moment. The security she finds from their approval is lost to the insecurity she feels of being exposed. When a family fails to give the love and nurturing a person needs they have a choice to continue to pursue recognition and approval from those reluctant to give it or to try to find it elsewhere (from within, a secure and reliable source, or from without, not necessarily reliable or dependable). She needs therapy to face her insecurity, which she so fears and has been avoiding, and to develop the capacity to love herself for herself in the absence of accomplishments (something, most likely, that she has never been taught).
The blue shirt is a bad comparison. The color of the shirt represents a certain Hashkafah in yiddishkeit (people from yeshiva gedola, Mir, Chaim Berlin would not wear one, while someone with more relaxed standards might) whereas, heels vs. flats represents a focus on materialistic externalities. You’re right. This girl probably isn’t for you. You need the girl who really focuses on similar things. I only hope you are earning a VERY good living, because it’s likely that the girl you’ll wind up with will drain your pockets silly shopping! I think you should tell the shadchanim that heels are a non-negotiable, if that’s how you feel. The girl might wind up making the decision for you.
You may want to start with checking if there’s a website for your specific chronic medical condition. Usually, the websites geared for particular issues can offer the best and most helpful support, and you will not feel alone. They also have information about support groups and coping techniques.
I have a child with special needs and I discovered this while trying to help him.
In terms of talking to family and friends, it depends who they are. Trustworthiness is earned not only through maintaining your privacy/ keeping a secret, but by taking the time to show the support that you seek in the way that you need. When I had my first miscarriage and called my best friend for support, she went on to talk about her own concern. I was devastated and grieving to begin with, but then I had to add angry and alone to that burden. You know your family and friends and their capacity to selflessly focus on another. Some people thrive on talking and sharing while others delve too deeply into their emotions and then have a hard time pulling out of them. No matter what, I think you need to seek support. You can begin with sharing here, and
we will try to be there for you as much as we can. You might want to try a therapist, who will listen
unconditionally and without their own agenda in mind. They will be able to help you express your concerns
and to find ways to cope while not allowing it to overcome you.
I think you need a combination of sharing, and not making that your entire life focus. In order to live life you’ve got to be able to see life beyond your condition. Find hobbies, distractions. Give yourself specified times to focus on your health concerns and practice blocking thoughts about it out of your mind outside of
these times. It can quickly envelop you if you allow it to.