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Unfortunately not a joke.
An Israeli is on vacation and is visiting a zoo in the States when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The Israeli runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the Israeli brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event and says to the Israeli: ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Israeli replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was
behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right..’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, tell me please, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’
The Israeli replies, “I serve in the Israeli army and I vote for the Likud.”
After taking a few more details, the journalist leaves.
The following morning the Israeli buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
RIGHT-WING ISRAELI ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force.’ It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing. Neither one works.
19 Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
An advantage of old age is the fact that you can sing whilst brushing your teeth!
!!Welcome to Our 21st Century !!
Our communication – Wireless
Our phones – Cordless
Our cooking – Fireless
Our food – Fatless
Our Sweets – Sugarless
Our labor – Effortless
Our attitude – Careless
Our feelings – Heartless
Our politics – Shameless
Our education – Worthless
Our Mistakes – Countless
Our arguments – Baseless
Our youth – Jobless
Our Boss – Ruthless
Our Jobs – Thankless
Our Needs – Endless
Our situation – Hopeless
Our Salaries – Less and less
And I’m an Onov (even though I say it myself)!
An Irishman, Frenchman, Englishman and Israeli are sitting in a pub.
The Irishman says: “I have a bit of change left, I’m thinking of buying Citibank”
The Frenchman says: “I have a bit of money left as well and am considering buying General Motors”
The Englishman says: I’m putting in an offer to buy Microsoft.
Expectingly they all turn to see what the Israeli has to say.
He, slowly taking another sip of beer, says: “Sorry to disappoint you all, but I’m not selling”.
There was this young couple who were happily engaged, but when she found out that he had a wooden leg she broke it off.
Moderator, is there a way you can give Bentzion my e-mail address (which I don’t want posted in public)? I should be able to provide him with material
600kilobear: very good, but unfortunately not a joke.
Mozart, Beethoven, Schubert.
Politicians and diapers need changing regularly.
Both for the same reason.
A: “It’s raining cats and dogs”
B: “I know, I’ve just stepped in a poodle”.
Paddy on his first day at the roadworks, was given the task to paint white lines on the road. When his boss picked him up at the end of the day he saw that Paddy had painted a 2 km line. “A great worker” thought his boss and told him to do the same the next day. That day he only painted 1 km, still a great achievement. The third day he painted 500 meter, the fourth day only 200.
“What’s the matter with you?” asked his boss, “you did so much better the first day”.
“Yeh” said Paddy, “but don’t forget that I have to walk every day more and more all the way back and forth to the paintpot!”
Yossi Z.: Al zeh ne’emar shive’im ponim lajokes
When I was young we had to pay a lot of money to enter the “house of mirrors” where thin people looked very fat.
Have you also noticed that today they seem to make all mirrors that way?
English
Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse .
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it
was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ‘UP.’
It’s easy to understand
UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers
UP for election and why is it UP to
the secretary to write UP
a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to
brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver,
we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP
the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix
UP the old car .. At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an
appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special ..
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because
it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning
but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP ,
look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary,
it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP
to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it,
you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP
is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP,
you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say i t is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .
When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it
UP , for now my time is UP, so…………
Time to shut UP ……!
The prime minister and some members of his cabinet went on a fact-finding mission to some institutions.
The first to visit was to a school. There the teachers complained about a lack of funds, but the prime minister explained that unfortunately there was no budget available to help set up new classes or pay for extra teachers.
Next they visited a university and there too the Dean complained that further research was hindered because they didn’t get enough funding. Once again the prime minister apologised and blamed it on the financial climate.
The final visit was to a prison. There as well both the prisoners as the guards complained about the harsh conditions.
Straight away the prime minister turned to his secretary and ordered him to make a full list of what was needed to improve the situation and to see to it that the funds for them would be transferred as soon as possible.
On the way back home, his entourage asked the prime minister how it was that for the schools and university there was no money, whilst for the prison there was?
“Simple”, said the prime minister,
“to school, we have been already,
to university we will no longer go,
but to prison, there is a good chance we will land up there one day!”
Just had the greatest laugh of my life in a department store … a little muslim kid went up to a pair of curtains and shouted “Mummy”.
A friend told me he was petrified when he was 66 years old, as looking from shomayim he’d seem 99!
“Rivka,” he says, “ven ve go to dee club and dee vaiter asks you vaht you vahnt for ah drink, please don’t say `ah glass Manishevitz vine.’ At a club like dis, you don’t esk for Manishevitz vine.”
“You should esk for ah Martini,” replies Aaron, “every lady drinks Martini. You’ll like it.”
That evening at the club, as the smartly dressed drinks waiter arrives at their table to take their order, Rivka is ready. “Madam, may I bring you a cocktail?”
Rivka replies, “Yes, I’ll have ah Martini.”
“Dry?” asks the waiter.
“No,” replies Rivka, “tzvei iz genug (two is enough).”
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes,” replied the employee. “That’s OK then,” said the boss. “Because while you were at your grandmother’s funeral yesterday, she popped in to see you.”
Tombstones:
-Tombstone of a dentist: This is the last hole he filled
-Tombstone of a civil servant: here he continues to rest
-Here lies Lotta Dust
-In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann
– In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast… Pardon me for not rising.
– In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake
-A lawyer’s epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange
-Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
-On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to G’d.
-In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent .
Until I know which way you went.
– Here lies my wife
She now has peace,
And so do I.
Tears can’t bring her back,
That’s why I cry.
Did Ami print a second issue? Here the newsstand still have the first one only, the one with the picture of the Belzer Rebbe shlitoh.
The Zman is a monthly and has come out some 7 months or so. They seem to be going strong and their articles are very interesting
Frightening indeed.
But by the same token, in one second … Moshiach might be here!
May HKBH have Rachmonus on us all and send the complete Ge’ulah immediately.
I had a son there and it did wonders. But that is about 3 years ago and I don’t know how it is now. Go and have someone check it out for you. It might well be just what the boy in question needs.
Two elderly couples had supper together. Afterwards the women went to the kitchen and the two men stayed in the dining room. One said to the other: “Yesterday, my wife and I went to that new restaurant in town. The food was very good. You should give it a try”
“Oh yeh?” asked the other, “what’s the name of that restaurant?”
“The name of the restaurant …, the name of the restaurant …, eh, let me think, the name …, aha, tell me, what is the name again of that flower with a red bulb, and thorns on its stem?”
“You mean a rose?”
“Yeh, that’s it. Hold on a minute” said the first man, and turning towards the kitchen he shouts out:
“Hey Rose, what’s the name of that new restaurant where we ate yesterday?”
If you donate $18 to Vaad Hatzdokoh you’ll never wake up dead.
My boss has not paid my wages for 40 days.
I promised him I would publicize it and I saw a yeshua
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
“Oh my G’d,” the woman says, “has it come to this?
Give me 16 Orthodox, 22 Conservative, and 12 Reform.”
Conclusion : no exercise, no diet!
A tough old cowboy from Nevada counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.
The son did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.
He left behind:
14 children
30 grandchildren
45 great grandchildren
25 great great grandchildren
and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be!
Yosr: I presume that you are a pupil or follower of Rabbi Tendler who allows going on to the temple mount.
I am no where capable of refuting the learned Rabbi, but since Hagaon Hagadol, the Posek Hador Harav Eliashuv shlitoh has paskened that it is an Issur Gomur, there is nothing more to discuss, and anyone going there is putting on himself a chiyuv Kores.
A pretty little girl named Jane was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
“Hi there little girl, I’m President Obama. What do you have in the basket?” he asked.
“Kittens,” little Jane said.
“How old are they?” asked Obama.
Jane replied, “They’re so young, their eyes aren’t even open yet.”
“And what kind of kittens are they?”
“Democrats,” answered Jane with a smile.
Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Jane was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of “FREE KITTENS,” when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Jane.
“Hello, again,” he said, “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”
“Yes sir,” Jane said. “They’re Republicans.”
Taken by surprise, the president stammered:
“But… but… yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS.”
Little Jane smiled and said,
“I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”
AL TASHLICHINI!
Rivka, a woman of over 80, asked her son:
That evening Moshe took his mother to the kitchen and showed her the plates, cups, biscuits and cake, and he showed her a paper he had stuck on the fridge:
1) Serve tea
2) Serve biscuits
3) Offer tea again
4) Serve the cake
That evening the ladies are all seated in the salon, and Rivka, the hostess, went to the kitchen.
She reads the note on the fridge: 1) Serve tea.
With a smile she takes the teapot to the salon and served the ladies their cup of tea.
After they have shmoozed for some time, Rivka goes back to the kitchen and reads the note on the fridge: 1) Serve tea.
With the flair of a gracious hostess Rivka takes the teapot to the salon and served the ladies their cup of tea.
This repeats itself another two times.
Eventually the ladies leave.
Later that evening Moshe comes home and to his surprise sees the plates, biscuits and cake still untouched in the kitchen.
Corporate Shake-up
If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said, “Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
There was this sadist of Yokohama
Who loved to see tragedies and drama
Causing Tzoros he would
Whenever he could
That’s why he voted for Ob…
There was once a bachur from New York
Who didn’t know how to eat with knife and fork
With his hands he would eat
Whenever on a shidduch he did meet
And now he is still a bachur from New York
mbachur, here is another one not to tell your wife:
Jewish Joke of the Year!
Two Jewish women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Hy and Selma Epstein were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor and get checked out. The doctor told them that they were physically just fine but might want to start writing notes to help them remember things. The Epsteins thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, Hy got up from his chair and Selma asked, “Where are you going?”
“To the kitchen.”
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” Selma asked.
“Sure.”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”
“No, I can remember that.”
Selma added, “I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.”
Hy replied, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”
With irritation in his voice, Hy said, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He then fumed into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes Hy returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of gefilte fish.
Selma stared at the plate for a moment and said, “You forgot my toast.”
Paraprosdokians
A paraprosdokian (from Greek,” meaning “beyond” and “expectation”) is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis:
* I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
* Going to shul doesn’t make you a tzadik any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
* Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
* I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
* A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”
* I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet?
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
* A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
* Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
* Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
* I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
* I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
* You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
* Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
* A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I find that the Moderator on Frumteens.com is prepared to tackle many a question others wouldn’t, has tremendous Torah-dig kosher Hashkofos and is very clear.
Ahmed drove through red light and Moshe drove straight into the side of his car, causing a big dent. Ahmed was furious but Moshe calmed him down and said: “listen, all you have to do is blow hard into the exhaust, and the dent will pop back in place”.
Ahmed liked the idea and started blowing with all his might.
After a few minutes Mohamed came past and started laughing loud. “What’s so funny?” demanded Ahmed.
“You are wasting your breath” replied Mohamed, “you allow all the air to escape, as you left your windows open”!
Dr Pepper: I presume that she preferred that you didn’t have a shower!
What puzzles me is the fact that nowadays you see many yeshiva bachurim & Kollel jungerleit walking on the street with their hats IN THEIR HAND! What on earth is pshat in that? Anyone with an explanation?
Thank you Blinky. I’ll try and keep up the good work.
Eclipse, your input reminds me of the following poster I once saw:
Out of the gloom a voice came to me and said:
“Smile, things could be worse”
So, I smiled, and behold,
Things did get worse!
“Yes, mit whom do you vish to speak?”
“Mrs. Goldberg please.”
“Mrs. Goyeldberg is gegangen shoppink to dem supermarket.”
“Is Mr. Goldberg there?”
“Oy, dis time of de day? Mister Goyeldberg is voikink.”
“Is Thelma at home?”
“How about Harry, is he home ?”
“Herry’s in de colletch of medicine . Soon he should be a dokter, kaynahoreh”
” Ok I see. Tell me then You must be Mrs Goldberg’s mother?”
“So, then may I ask to whom I am speaking?”
“Dis is Emily, de shvartze.”
A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
‘Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,’ he said.
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ‘How about $50?’
The man agreed and told her that the paintbrushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, ‘Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?’
The wife replied, ‘you’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.’
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
‘You’re finished already?’ the startled husband asked.
‘Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.’
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her, along with a ten dollar tip.
‘And by the way,’ the blonde added, ‘it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.
Just right for this time of the year:
Shul Restoration Project
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.Eventually the local shul decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the building and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, G-d! Forgive me! What should I do?”
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke:
“Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:
Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream is now available in Israel …
In the following flavors :
Wailing Walnut
Moishmellow
Mazel Toffee
Chazalnut
Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha.
Soda & Gamorra
Bernard Malamint
Berry Pr’i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip
and finally (drum roll, please)………Simchas T’oreo.
It should also be noted that all these flavors come in a Cohen
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it — mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it… couldn’t cut the mustard.
7. My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!