aries2756

I like the balloon idea but please DO NOT silly string anyone’s car it ruins the finish and leaves stains for real. No one is happy when they have ghosts of the silly string they can’t get off.

Goq, you can’t change other people nor can you control them. What the Mod is telling you is you only have control of yourself in any given situation and you can only change yourself to make any given situation better for yourself since you can’t force someone else to change. So what can YOU do to change your attitude about the situation or change the situation to make it more tolerable for yourself? That doesn’t mean that the other party has no achrius they do, but there is absolutely no control over them and what they do, the only control you have is over what YOU choose to do.

So where does that leave you? Many suggestions were made to you about what YOU can do to make it better for yourself. You can choose to take these suggestions under consideration or you can choose to stay miserable in the situation but know that you are in the right and nothing will change. The CHOICE is yours and in your control. So what will YOU choose to do?

What about the inventor of the book? The printing industry, the typewriter, the computer? Is there no end to whom you could blame for progress and the best and worst it can be used for? Again finger pointers be careful….

Honestly, my DIL has a bugaboo and so do my nieces. For the life of me I can’t get it open or closed. I think you have to be an engineer to figure it out. I also could never do the McClarens so I never go those. For me the easier the better, especially if you have friends, family and babysitters helping you out.

Ok, smartcookie, I would only be able to tell that to someone I know, or someone who specifically told me about themselves and their child and what they are looking for. If the person they called me about is someone I know well and it was matim to them I would give them the answers appropriate to what they were looking for because it was shayach and the information that I knew was helpful to the shidduch. If I knew them personally or after they told me about themselves etc and the information I knew of the person they inquired about was not matim to them or there was a big issue with them that would be an appropriate shidduch for instance I know that the boy likes to drink or I know he slept around or I know the girl isn’t a virgin and that would not sit right with this family, i don’t necessarily want to say it outright but I can tell them the shidduch is not for them.

There are things that I know about kids that not everyone knows and I am just not willing to share such information. It is not for public knowledge. Kids do turn their lives around and it is up to them to tell their stories to their future spouses, not me. I am NOT a yenta and I want to see everyone succeed and have a bright future. Just because things were bleak in their pasts do not mean they will have to continue in the darkness for the rest of their lives.

So I do not have a problem telling someone the shidduch is NOT for them if I believe that there are things that I know about a person that the caller will not be able to look away from, but there is no need for them to know that information and spread it.

Look here is a true scenario for you, you tell me how you would handle this. A friend of my son spent part of his year in Israel in jail for selling drugs. He is now in Law school and I am sure will make a good shidduch one day. If I am called about information (because he practically lives in my house) am I obligated to “tell”? Should this mistake follow him the rest of his life? Is it shayach to his future marriage? Will it truly make a difference?

SJS, that is exactly what he is talking about. An unhealthy marriage!

Zeeskite, anyone who runs a treadmill after 10:00pm when noise is supposed to come to a halt knowing that the people downstairs have already asked you to stop, and run the washing machine before 9:00am, knowing that your downstairs neighbors also asked that you don’t, are not considerate people. No matter how nice you are to them, they are “selfish” and only do what is convenient and important to themselves.

If you want to dan l’kaf zchus i would say if she can’t do her treadmill before 11:00 which does not seem likely, then compromise and go down to listen what it sounds like, and do whatever is necessary to muffle the sound. But she refused to do that as well. So the OP tried to do the right thing but has no one to work with.

I don’t believe in double dipping, I think this only confuses things. If you date two boys or two girls at the same time, you wind up comparing one to the other and don’t give either one the full attention and chance they deserve ….”her eyes are prettier, he is taller, she dresses nicer, he has dimples, she is thinner, he is funnier, her hair is longer…..” you wind up making stupid comparisons that really have nothing to do with tachlis.

CS, as far as your friend telling you HER opinion based on the phone call, that was wrong, wrong, wrong! People do ask stupid questions but the guy in question might be a great guy even if his mother asks stupid questions. Your friend’s tainted opinion due to the phone call is foolish and should not be a reason not to go out with a guy that might be a real good match for you. Don’t make up your mind according to your friend’s opinion. IF the shidduch is redt to you, find out about the guy and forget about your friend’s opinion. The phone call and your friend’s reaction might be something the two of you can laugh about in the future, you never know.

If you need a second stroller for busses and taxis (i am assuming you don’t drive) why not just go to the store with your baby and check out what fits you best. What is the most comfortable for you to open and close while holding your baby and what is not too heavy to shlep while holding your baby. Since no one here knows you it is foolish to give advice when only you really know what will work for you. Both you and your baby have to be comfortable with the choice so it is best for you to try it out first hand.

Ask your doctor.

Get a dog! Or get a tape of a dog barking. Do they have kids? Do you? Do you belong to the same shul? The same yeshiva? You might ask the Rav to talk to them.

As far as the landlord is concerned it doesn’t seem as if he cares much about you nor does it seem like he cares if you move out. Ask your neighbors if they know of any other apartments in the area. If they ask you why you are moving simply say the neighbors upstairs are not very considerate about running their machinery late at night and early in the morning. You just can’t handle the noise any more.

Hashem allowed me to spend the last days of my mother’s life catering to her and caring for her. This is something that my siblings chose not to do because they did not want to change their plans for second days Succos. B”H I changed my plans and had my mother all to myself. Whether she was conscious or not, she was alive and she was MY mother who I had an opportunity to care for and give back to; to respect and to honor; to love and to daven for and do whatever I could to send her off in a loving, respectful and dignified manner. THIS was a gift to me from Hashem, one that was so grand and so gracious that words can’t even describe. My gratitude is beyond words.

When a Rav is called in it is basically a “din torah” between the husband and the wife and it is viewed as a serious situation. It depends on the couple. Will the wife view a female mentor, a Rebbetzin stepping in as an emergency situation or will she blame her husband for divulging this private matter to someone who respects her. It is like walking a tight rope. A Rav involved with Shalom Bayis issues is probably your best bet.

Truthfully no one abuses in public, so that information would really only be known within the home. It isn’t likely that people in the neighborhood would know this.

As far as answering my own questions, I personally never called anyone for information without introducing myself and letting them know something about my child and what I was looking for. I also told them how I got their name and how I was connected to that person so they understood the sheichus. If the person didn’t want to tell me something but knew who gave me their name, they could always call that person that did know them and speak honestly with them and let them decide what to do.

Lets say someone called me, introduced herself to me and said she was a friend of my sister’s. I might not divulge anything to her, but I might call my sister and ask how close she is with this person and what they are like and what they are looking for. If she tells me she is a neighbor of hers or she is very close with her and she is a forgiving person and can look away from certain things I might tell my sister to tell her to call me back. If she says she is close to her and was looking for perfection I might tell my sister to tell her the shidduch is not for her and I am not going to go into details.

But I am not going to divulge information to strangers who might make more of it than it is and might spread rumors on the person and make it even more difficult for them to get the proper shidduch. I don’t have the RIGHT to do that. I also don’t need to make enemies in my own neighborhood if this stranger tells the shadchan that I said this and that about the prospect. I don’t have to risk the prospect’s reputation for a stranger. On the other hand, if that person called the prospect’s RAV, they might set up an appointment to speak in private and might be able to give over information and not make it sound so terrible if it really is not shayach to effect the marriage, or he might want to meet the parents and explain what the situation is but tell them in such a way that he is reassured that they won’t be going around spreading the information. The Rav might want to find out who the Shadchan is and actually call the shadchan to find out what she actually knows about the prospect and the issues involved. A Rav certainly should know how to handle the situation better. If the Rav calls the shadchan his question would be why did you redt this shidduch, why do you think this is a match? How well do you know the prospects involved? I think that would be the best thing possible.

LMA, NEVER EVER get the friends involved, that is the worst thing to do!!!! A RAV can be considered a professional and can be counted on to keep things confidential, a friend can’t. Never call in a friend, who will twist and turn things and your wife will truly feel betrayed if you call her friend in to get involved. You will only make things worse because you will accused of trying to turn her friends against her.

Although it was not written about women, it is customary to sing it to honor the wife and it is a beautiful thing. It is also customary to sing to the Kallah at a wedding. So because it is customary it should be done with pride and with Kavona which makes a wife feel special and appreciated.

I also feel like I would rather not serve if it is too difficult for the men in the home to praise me. After all, there is a lot of hard work involved in preparing for Shabbos and getting to the point of all of us sitting down to the beautiful Shabbos table. So singing Aishel Chayil is a very simple and beautiful way to start off the Shabbos meal.

One thing I remember from my daughter’s shidduch days was that a group of three girls would get together and each one would daven for another till they were all engaged. It is a segula for one to be makabel to daven for someone else in their situation. Please have this in mind.

Being happy and excited for your friend will open the rachmonus Hashem has for you and bring your shidduch sooner. Every shidduch must happen with the right one at the right time. “The right time” being the emphasis. My daughter-in-law just told me about a girl in my daughter’s class who just got engaged. She is 33 and had gone out with this guy 6 years ago. Obviously the time was not right 6 years ago but the time was right a month ago when they decided it was right!

You can’t force things to happen. We are not in charge and when we accept that and have ahavas yisroel and are truly, truly happy for the blessings Hashem bestows on our friends and on K’lal Yisroel then we emulate Hashem in all his goodness.

How would your BFF feel if you were first? Would she be jealous of you or would she treat you like the “sister” you are to her and be over the top happy for her? Don’t be mekaneh her, be happy for her and enjoy the practice run for when your turn comes.

I am a Certified Life Coach, Child Advocate and mentor. I work with the Rabbis in my community and with the at-risk population. I ask questions when necessary and stay away from Loshon Horah, not everything is everyone’s business.

If someone were to ask me straight out, I would have some questions as well:

Why are you asking me this?

Is something wrong with your child?

Did someone tell you something?

What are you afraid of?

Why is this a concern of yours?

And of course I would want to know who they are, who there Rav is, etc.

S!, then I would suggest to you, that you should go back to him and ask him. I believe that YOU need closure and mechila from this Rav. And only HE can answer you and tell you if you are right or wrong in your assumption. If he tells you that you are right and you are responsible for your own fate he might also be able to tell you what you can do to assure your children a successful future. If he tells you that you are beating yourself up for nothing and what happened has nothing to do with not following his suggestion, then that might take a big weight off your shoulders. At any rate you can ask mechila from him and get a brocha.

Are these actually Frum people behaving like beheimas? I agree first complain to the landlord and let the landlord know that you are coming to him first after asking them on more than one occasion to be considerate. If they don’t listen to the landlord you have no other choice but to call the cops.

It is not only a beautiful minhag it will instill a sense of respect for the mother

Ofcourse, it was the chosson and his family’s obligation to disclose the information before they got engaged. Who gave THEM a heter not to disclose the information. THAT is the real question. The ONUS is on them to be honest and truthful in order to make a good marriage and not bring children into a bad situation. THEY have the achrius for whatever happens to these children and the young woman trapped in a web of lies.

S1, we have no idea why WE have to go through the things we do only Hashem knows. It is possible that had you given her the test she would have passed just to get you to marry her. You can’t possibly know. She might have pulled on her inner strength till after the chuppah and then let her true feelings emerge. That has been known to happen as well, so please don’t beat yourself up about it.

Since I don’t know the party who is calling me and they have NOT told me anything about themselves or their family, NO I don’t believe that I am obligated to answer their intrusive questions. I do open up more with people who introduce themselves and tell me about their own child and what they are looking for and then ask me if the person in question is compatible.

If a stranger calls me and point blank asks me such questions, I just say “I don’t know that much about the family maybe you should call someone else”. So no I don’t lie and NO i’m not obligated to answer, Ask your own RAV about what to say and what not to say and who is obligated to say what. You can also get that information from the Chofetz Chaim society.

If you are going to call strangers be prepared to introduce yourself and tell them about yourself. Don’t try to be secretive and expect others to open up to you. What is your heter to accuse me of lying? I hope you never call me as well. As I said, I have been involved in many shidduchim and have been instrumental in giving the proper information to make the shidduch go through. So I don’t need your advice or your opinion on the way I conduct myself. I have told many a caller that I will not answer stupid questions such as tablecloths, toilet training, crystal glasses, maids, etc. I have told callers how much the entire neighborhood respects the family, loves the young person in question, benefit from their contributions and so on. If I know them personally I will give them my personal opinion on whether or not I think it is shayach.

I have made one shidduch on my own for someone who is very important to me. Every couple I set up on dates told me that although the chemistry wasn’t there I was on the right track and if I had anyone else for them, they would try it.

Certainly it happens in all walks of life and in all religions as well. There are sick and controlling people and those who just do not know how to behave in a marriage. A husband either forces the situation by taking the wife to a Rav or therapist, keeps to himself as much as possible or gives up and files for divorce.