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Honestly it depends what it is and who it is I am angry at. Most of the time I just tell myself “this too shall pass”.
B”H, this year we were the company and it was great. Pure nachas.
Gas prices are nothing to sneeze at!
nfgo3, if you have something to say you should say if for yourself. No need to modify my opinion since I own my own opinion and you are entitled to own yours and express yours for yourself any which way you please in any way, shape or form. So please do not suggest any modifications to my opinion, that would be considered rude. You could agree with my opinion or disagree with my opinion but asking me to modify my opinion is just plain improper no matter how proper you choose to make it sound.
Is is always more effective to show appreciation. It is not necessary to go over the top, but acknowledging appreciation goes along way.
I don’t understand. They bring their own labels? Doesn’t the charity give tickets?
I disagree and would suggest that you speak to a Rav before you say anything negative at all to your mother-in-law. Do not get into any conflict with her. You have as much of an obligation of kibud av v’em with in-laws as with parents. Set the rules with your own children and discuss a plan with your wife. But be as polite as possible with your in-laws. Make your visits shorter and shorter if that is what is necessary to control your children.
Personally I follow my daughter and daughers-in-law’s rules. If the kids ask for nosh or want to watch TV and their mommies are in my home and tell them they have to ask their mommies. If they are not in my home I ask what do their mommies allow. I know what their mommies allow, but I want to hear it from the kids. Each mother runs their home a little differently so I have to remember the rules for the different homes. I teach my grandchildren that they have to listen to their mommies no matter where they are. Sometimes I let them take snacks home to show mommy and ask them if they can have it for dessert after supper.
When my neighbors kids used to come in to watch tv, I told them your mom doesn’t want you to watch tv.
Everyone needs to chill every once and a while.
BY94, it is a test. Hashem is testing you. Don’t you get it? He is testing your bitachon and emunah. He is testing you to see what happens to you and how true you are to Shmiras Haloshon! YOU know it isn’t true. YOU know it was just a dream and it really didn’t happen, just as if someone said LH about her and you are not allowed to listen to it. So what are you going to believe? Are you going to look at this person as if you believe the LH about her or are you going to ignore the LH and look at her as a true Bas Yisroel? What is it going to be? Are you going to pass Hashem’s test?
but not very generous
For all those who have nothing helpful or productive to say to this young girl who has this issue, there are other threads you can busy yourself with. She was chased away once before and came back because of caring people who asked her to so she can have some support.
To the mods who are allowing these comments to get through I am asking you to please do a better job of filtering in on this particular thread.
relaxation, it is NOT your place to teach your mother-in-law how to behave. Lets get that on the table to begin with. However, it is your place to teach your children how to behave and to tell them that YOU are their parents and you decide what they are allowed to do and what they are not allowed to do. YOU can tell them that if you take them for a visit to their grandparents and they don’t follow your rules and don’t behave appropriately, YOU will cut the visit short and take them home.
You can decline going for sleepovers and tell your mother-in-law or have your wife tell her mother that it is getting too difficult to pack and shlep and you prefer to visit on sundays. You can invite them to your home for a Shabbos so they don’t feel like you are ignoring them.
As far as her relationship with her own friends and guests, that is not your problem or issue. She will have to learn on her own, or her friends will have to tell her that she needs to calm down or back off. YOU are NOT her child. YOU are her in-law child and there is such a thing as crossing the line. Be very careful where you tread. She might forgive her children for confronting her because they ARE her children and a mother will forgive her children no matter what. But you are her daughter’s husband and if she feels that you hurt her or humiliated her in any way, she might never forget or forgive.
As with any depression or anxiety issue, it is trial and error with the medication until you find the one that works for you. What works for one patient may not work as well for another. Each patient needs to work with their own doctor and inform them what is happening. The doctor will say whether you have given it enough of a chance to work or not and will suggest either switching or changing the dosage. In order to overcome any medical or mental diagnosis, you have to work in partnership with your doctor. You can’t work separate from him nor try to cure yourself with other people’s advice without keeping him informed on what you are doing.
Spoiler 86, sometimes when it is there and you are alone, one tends to put it on just for background noise. Depending where you live, the house might creak and sometimes it gets scary to be alone in the apartment with the noises. Anything can tempt you to turn it on just to distract you from everyday silly noises, boredom or loneliness when your spouse isn’t around. If it is not there, you will look for other options like a music cd, a sound machine, a radio, etc. When your spouse is home you will wind up having more conversations if the TV isn’t on to just watch the news or a sports event. There are always sports events available since you can’t get reception without cable these days.
As far as the comment regarding the computer and Avoda Zara. The OP did not ask for anyone’s opinion on TV. She asked for help in deciding whether she should start off her marriage with a TV in her home or not since she is NOT opposed to TV. How are you helping her with your comments?
Firstly welcome back. Secondly, do you live in a neighborhood where this is the only kosher supermarket? If no, then don’t go back. If yes, then tell your parents in a way they can understand such “Mom, what would you do if you were a young girl and you thought an older boy was flirting with you or giving you unwarranted attention?”, “Mom, what would you do, if he was making you feel really uncomfortable?” Start asking open ended hypothetical questions of your parents and see what they say. Get their curiosity going. Then gently without getting excited, tell them there is someone making you extremely uncomfortable, and then when they start asking you who it is, then tell them.
2cool, if you need the meds then take them. Going off meds just for the purposed of getting off the meds is not very productive. If they help you to NOT have the anxiety or to control the anxiety then it is something that you need to consider. If you can’t control the anxiety without it, then stick with it. If you can feel the anxiety coming on and take even half a pill to keep it at bay, then that is something to consider. If that works and then being able to recognize the attack coming on and stopping it with a minimum amount of medication works, then it might be possible to learn a technique when you recognize the attack coming on to stop the attack.
Spoiler86, I have always had a TV but I can tell you this. There is nothing wrong with starting off your marriage without one. Honestly, if it is not that important to you there is no reason to bring it into the house and be distracted from each other. If one of you are not at home, you can always fill up spare time by reading a good book, going to a shiur, or doing a chesed for someone else. If you really want to watch something you can find something on the computer. If the two of you decide at some point that you miss the TV and want to purchase one, then you have time at that point to go out and get one, and if you find that things are working perfectly fine without one, then keep on going without one.
Goq, I would suggest that you DON”T send anything in writing that she can show others. It is better said in person or over the phone. And it is better not elaborated on until you give her an opportunity to tell you what is bothering her. So just asking her what’s wrong, or if you owe her an apology just to get the conversation started might give her an opportunity to start talking.
One thing I don’t like is the going down on one knee for a proposal. IMHO this is very goyish and not batampt. This just rubs me the wrong way and I hear a lot of boys these days do it. Does anyone else have a problem with this or is it just me?
disturbed, gotcha but please be careful how you word things it could be offensive to someone with a particular issue or with a family member that has it.
bombmaniac, I also believe that although it is good that you could AT LEAST vent to us, this is not enough. I hope that you can love yourself enough to find a good therapist where you can vent your feelings and speak freely so you don’t carry around the pain and hurt of your childhood for the rest of your life. This is real heavy baggage that can really drag you down in marriage and in many other aspects of a happy and successful future.
snowy, do you have any brothers or boy cousins?
Yes of course OCD is a real issue for those who have it and for those who love them and care about them. What a question? Any illness or issue is “real” to those it effects and it is absolutely rude and insensitive of anyone who question it. If there is something you really want to know about the disease you could have posed your question differently and with more sensitivity.
You either have to take the chance of insulting her, or blame it on your husband. Say he claims that you always go there or you spend too much time with them, he wants to meet new people.
What is the halacha if a husband strays with a married woman?
Maybe he was scared off after his less than warm welcome.
And therefore she opted out of the marriage.
bombmaniac, I do not doubt anything that you say or feel. I only know a mothers love for her children and a mother’s guilt. Your mother is mentally ill and very disturbed. She can’t be held accountable for the hurtful things that come out of her mouth. She is not responsible for the gibberish that spills forth and she is not capable of explaining herself nor understanding her own intent. Can anyone explain why someone with Turrets Syndrome spill forth a chain of curse words when they are having their ticks? Mental illness is mental illness. It is painful for the patient and hurtful for the family.
YOU need to do whatever it takes to keep yourself healthy, and you need to understand the illness as much as you can so that it doesn’t poison you. Please, please speak to some experts to find out for yourself if what I am saying is feasible. Please do not allow your mother’s hurtful comments to enter your heart and soul. As a mother I believe that she didn’t mean it the way she said it, that you were a burden to her. Can you remember at any time in your lives together that you were ever a burden to her? I can tell you this, especially for a bi-polar who was crashing and going down, she knew with every inch of her being that she was a tremendous burden to a young child who needed not only a mother but two parents who could take good care of him and be good role models for him. And she was never capable of giving that to you.
Clairvoyant, Diana’s parents were divorced and she was a pre-school teacher, who did not pursue a higher education in university. All this was spoken about during the coverage of THIS royal wedding. She did not come from an environment like Kate, nor did she come from wealth. Although we all loved her and admired her. She became the peoples’ princess and everyone loved her more than the prince himself.
Furthermore, any indiscretions she had was only in retaliations to the public humiliations her own husband caused her, having his own mistress come to events that would place her in close proximity to his wife. These will well known and well documented.
Yogi, if she is your friend then she knows your are expecting. If she asks just say you need a quiet Shabbos to rest after the busy week, or to rest up for the upcoming busy week.
SC, yes they do, because to them they are royalty. William and Kate are royalty and are more celebrity than celebrities so yes. We haven’t had a real royal wedding since his parents got married 30 years ago. So this was a really huge event.
bombmaniac, I have to say something and I hope you will hear me, seriously. You say that you believe that people say what they mean, and therefore your mother must have had those thoughts somewhere within her therefore it came out of her in her psychotic breakdown. But what you never gave a moments thought to is why she might have had that thought in a rational moment. Many mothers who are a burden to their children have irrational thoughts that they are bad parents and they are giving their children a miserable life. They think their children would have been better off not being born, and would have been better off had they made the decision to abort. That way they may have had the opportunity to be born to other parents. Or they think they should have given them up for adoption so they could have had the opportunity of being raised by other parents and have the opportunity of having a better life. It is not out of hatred but out of love of their children and out of guilt of not being a good parent.
Unfortunately in her manic downslide and her crazy irrational behavior, that thought came out in a negative light. Probably because it was a thought in her head, but because she was not in control of memory and thoughts when she was having a manic episode, as you said irrational thoughts and comments just come forth, that is a thought that escaped her mouth in her escalated state. Can she possibly determine what is appropriate and what is not appropriate when she is having a manic episode?
I would blame your mom and hold her accountable for NOT getting the help she needed and not staying on the medication she needed to because she was a mother and her responsibility to you should have been more important than feeling creative and free. But you really don’t know what was or is going on in her cluttered and disorganized manic mind. She unfortunately has a lot of pain and guilt buried within along with her psychotic issues. She is a jumble of various different emotions bouncing from one extreme to another that is being controlled as best as possible by whatever medications that is working for whatever period of time it works. No one can possibly know what she really feels like or what is really going on in her mind, body or soul at this point.
So please, please do not believe the worst. Please do not believe that your mother meant to hurt you at that time, on that horrible day. Please do not believe that your mother ever, ever believed what she said, because you were probably the best thing that ever happened to her. YOU were the one true love of her life. YOU gave her unconditional love and she was able to love you unconditionally for as long as she was as normal as you can define normal for her. YOU gave her the best years of her life and you don’t know if those memories are what keep her hanging on to whatever sanity she still has.
YOU should separate yourself from her to keep yourself sane and healthy. But maybe you should do that more physically than emotionally. Maybe it is time that you find a place nearby that you can live so that you don’t have to see her on a regular basis. It is not healthy for a young man your age to care for a sick mother. YOU need to take care of yourself and have as much of a normal life a young man your age has. YOU need to learn or be in college and start on your path for a successful future. Map out your life and start planning for the future. But think about what I told you. Please, never think that you were not wanted, because that is very far from the truth. Your mom was not in her right mind when she had that episode. And I am telling you as a mother, if she ever had that thought it was out of guilt that she was not being a good mother to you, not that you were a burden to her. It was because she was a burden to you.
Hatzlocha rabah.
It is the same Kesuba, but the wording might change. I doubt if anyone informs anyone these days, and I highly doubt that anyone’s kesubah is changed these days. It is usually a standard Kesubah bought in a store. No Rav asks questions and no information is offered. The only place left blank is the date, names and place for eidim to sign.
2cool, you can’t wish the dating process away. It is a process that everyone who gets married goes through. You are going to have to learn HOW to deal with it. YOU are going to have to learn what is causing your anxiety and how to handle it. For the irritable bowel episodes you can take Equilactin. You can get it over the counter. It balances the bowel between cramps and constipation or diarrhea. If your nauseous with the runs you can try pepto bismol and see if that works better. If that doesn’t help go see a Gastoenterologist.
For the anxiety you might have to see a therapist if you can’t figure out what is triggering it. Can you tell when it begins so you can do some breathing or meditation to stop it before it gets full blown? Is it only before the date, before he walks through the door or does it start when he walks through the door. Does it continue on the date? Does it get worse on the date or does it get better while the date is underway? Do you have anxiety during the phone call as well?
If you describe the episodes maybe we can give you some advice or suggestions how to handle it.
2cool, what is it exactly that you are nervous about? Are you nervous about what you will talk about? Are you nervous about what you will look like, what he will look like? Are you nervous about talking to a boy? Can you try to pinpoint what exactly is causing the anxiety so we can be more helpful to you?
I believe that Prince Charles married Diana under false pretenses as he had a mistress on the side and only intended to use her to bare him children. He never loved her and purposely chose a commoner without an academic background mistakenly thinking that she would be foolish and naive and NOT catch on to his game but be a meek little mouse without an opinion of her own. Little did he know that she was a quality woman who the country truly loved. He was the fool and she was true royalty in the end. As far as his brother is concerned, well we can assume that he was no brighter than his brother and they both proved to be an embarrassment to their mother the queen.
As far as Prince William is concerned. so far he has proven to be his mother’s child, and has done nothing to embarrass either his mother nor his grandmother and we truly don’t expect him to. He has chosen well. Kate is a sophisticated and intelligent woman who comes from a very proper home. They make a regal couple who are true and honest with each other. There is no reason to expect that they should not follow in the footsteps of the other royals in previous generations.
Clairvoyant???? I don’t think so. Why do you even have to ask?
Health, what are you talking about?????
Get an Esra magazine they have all the rental places listed there. Also google gemachs, and you can see a list there.
There will always be sleep away camps, and there will always be kids going.
Chayav, sorry but I find your comments derogatory and not necessarily true. Certainly not a “welcome aboard” to a newcomer. YOU do not know what others choose to open or not and what they choose to answer to or not. This is only your own opinion.
At any rate, welcome aboard “KNISH”, you sound good enough to eat. 🙂
No, Trump is a clown who likes to hear himself talk. Much like Obama.
It was nice of you to give him an out saying he must have had a hard day. You could have also suggested that you go somewhere for a cup of coffee. The young man should have apologized and either owned up to being tired and cut the date short, or own up and just laugh at himself about it, apologize for not being good company and do his best to be as attentive as possible. Yes and drink coffee to wake up or take a walk, or both.
Chareidim, and we get only whole wheat. We have an appointment every year after Rosh Chodesh. It was so thin it was like eating chips. No stomach problems reported.
Hey guys, I have been to hotels for Pesach and you get out of it what you want to. If you want to sit around the lobby and yenta that’s what you get. If you want to parade around like a fashion show, then that’s your game. If you want to go to the shiurim then you have an uplifting Pesach. If you want to gather in a private room with your family then you have a heimish Yom Tov. It all depends on who you are and if you are true to yourself.
It doesn’t matter if you go to a hotel for a Yom Tov, or you go to Miami or any other place for a vacation. It all depends on who you are and if you are the same no matter where you go. Did you know that for many New Yorker and Boro Parkers as well that Hashem does not live in Miami, or Mexico, or Hawaii, etc, etc, etc?
Since it was the daughter’s bathroom you might have said politely that you appreciate that she is sharing her bathroom with you and do not want to do anything to make her uncomfortable since it is her bathroom would she mind if you put them under the sink so your boys didn’t look at them.
The Goq, I would suggest that you speak to her directly because that is the only way you can resolve this. You might just start the conversation with “Is there something I need to ask mechila for” which might be easier than first going into a whole monologue about avoiding you and such. Ask her straight out if there is something you need to apologize for, and wait for her response. Then take it from there. if she says “no” then ask her why she avoids you like the plague and why she treats you differently than everyone else. You can ask he what her problem is with you. Tell her that you seriously want to know because you don’t want it to continue.
Unfortunately, I haven’t been listening since Succos because I am in aveilus, so just imagine how hard it is for me. Three weeks isn’t that bad you guys. You can handle it. If not, get an accapela cd.
Silentone, what does your lawyer suggest? Maybe it is time to switch lawyers. There are places where a person can go to get a quicky no fault divorce. Did you lawyer advise you about that?
I am just throwing some ideas out. One thing I do know women do not do well with patient men who ride out the waves. So if you do have a visitation schedule at the moment, I would play the patience game as much as possible, and postpone court dates, play it cool as if everything was hunky dory with you and as if YOU were the one that is in control. Put in a motion for full custody of the children and bring in affidavits from your Rabbonim and all others that you went to during the marriage who can show “cruelty” from the side of your wife such as refusing to go to the mikveh and the like. Bring in proof from the Bais Din that you gave your wife a “get” the minute that she asked for it without giving her a hard time which most men wouldn’t do till after the divorce decree and child custody was arranged. Start turning the tables on her where she can fear losing her hold and losing her kids to you and losing everything in her selfish battle against you. Stop being Mr. Nice guy and fight for your life and your right to have one.
Oomis, all the potential problems exist even if there are siblings. Those things happen if there are one or many brothers and sisters and unfortunately even when there are many children when parents are old and need them, in many cases only one steps up to the plate and becomes the main caretaker.