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Lets not be scared, better to be prepared with tefillos and funds. We should probably also be writing the White House and our representatives to make sure that they will not only back and help Israel in the event of all out war, but they will be getting the NATO nations lined up as well.
bpt, ok, you got me. My oldest is 34 and yes I’m a bubby b”h. That is all I’m saying. YOU guys figure it out.
Mod -80, I did. B’H my daughter is now 34 with 4 children. This was my practice AND hers. Be ready, be ready, be ready. Don’t make the guys squirm.
We sat down at the dining room table for about 5 minutes so I had an idea of whether he was zooming in on her or on the surroundings. I sent them on their way (let him off the hook) after 5 minutes saying “You guys probably want to get going so don’t let us hold you up as I stood up.” Since I stood up, he had to stand up and so we got them out the door.
Sometimes I went straight up to sleep because I saw right away, this was not the one and even saw the disappointment on my daughter’s face. When my son-in-law walked in I knew he was the one.
How? He zoomed in on her and never took his eyes off her. He had no clue what room he was in, or that we were even in there. All he cared about was his date. BINGO!
Maybe it is best to stay quiet, depending on your age, and just walk away when the loshon horah starts. If they ask where you are going, you can say “I was raised neither to speak nor to listen to lotion horah!” That should make an impression on them.
It is never a good idea to start a platonic relationship with members of the opposite gender. That is usually a recipe for disaster. There is a reason why we wait till kids are of dating and marriageable age. Until them, no matter how mature a child thinks they are, they really aren’t. The minds and emotions are just not capable of handling a relationship with the common sense and protection such a relationship requires.
Kids are too susceptible to reading into the relationships and fantasizing about what could be and when they discuss the other party with their friends it only makes it worse. Either their friends buy into the fantasy and support it which makes the emotional rejections worse in the end, or they yenta about it and get the kids into trouble. It is just not the right time of life to be involved with the opposite gender. Once one is ready to date, they are forced into reality and the responsibilities involved……if you choose this person……you will be married to this person for life…….you will be responsible for this person…………it is no longer about what you want and need there are two of you in the equation………..you will have to handle your own finances………..this is not for fun we are talking about real life here.
As far as relatives speaking to one and other, I believe relatives should always be connected and care for each other, and always be there to help and offer advice, check out prospects for you, be a sounding board, etc. Because they will always love you and care for you as family does.
I agree 100% with ICOT, you can only do what you can do and you are most accommodating to work with your caterer to bring in meals they can eat. As far as chalah, dessert and nosh, that should be left to them. You can choose to tell them that you have arranged a main dish, if they would like to bring anything else make sure it is in its original box with the hechsher on it so the mashgiach can check it before they can bring it to their table.
In that way, they can bring their own cake for dessert and their own candy for their kids. It is not your job to make sure that they are accommodated to the Enth degree. You can only accommodate them to the degree that they can’t do it on their own and that is the main meal. You can also accommodate them with plenty of fruits and vegetables. If they choose not to eat them, that is their choice. So I would say specifically on their table, add extra pickles, olives, tomatoes, kirbies, melons, etc. Nothing that would be questionable like strawberries or lettuce.
You can also ask them to bring extra dessert for the other people at their table so that they won’t feel awkward and the other people won’t either.
It is hard enough putting together a family simcha/party and choosing to pay for it besides. It is unfair of people to make personal requests, no body likes it when they are hosting.
I don’t think most of the Olam know or understand this issuer on the warming drawer.
I would also ask if the oven has a shabbos mode. If it does the answer might be different because in that case, it probably does NOT change the heat according to whether or not the door is opened.
On the other hand there might be a different chumra in regard to ovens and drawers which actually surround the food with heat rather than a belch which is open and only gives indirect heat from the bottom because the belch itself is hot.
It is not advisable (genetically) for first cousins to marry. There could be many medical and genetic issues involved. However it is not assur.
As far as family is concerned, it is not so black and white and simple as one might think. If you come from a holocaust survivor background family is a huge inyan. parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. are all part of a puzzle of quilt that grows and each piece is a very huge part and parcel of the fabric of the outcome. For cousins not to speak or not to get along is stab in the heart to the survivors. They want to gather as many as they can and see the results of their efforts and the affirmation of why they survived.
Like my mother a”h would say “you are NOT talking to my shvester’s knit?” you are not speaking to my sister’s child? That would kill her because her sisters children were just like her own.
I would never invest in a used mixer even if you can kasher them because you never know how much time is left on the motor.
Firstly, you didn’t mention who was supporting your sister and brother-in-law as well as all the rest of your siblings while they are in Kollel. It would seem that your brother-in-law wishes to be mekayem the mitzvah of being mepharnes his own family. And might feel that if your father-in-law had to go to work to support all the “learners” he did not want to be a burden to him.
In addition, just because he doesn’t learn full time, does not mean he doesn’t learn. It is wrong to judge them and speak about them in negative terms.
You are asking what you should do. Stop listening to Loshan Horan. Do NOT get involved in the exchange. “Forgive me Tatty but I refuse to listen to Loshon Horah about my sister and brother-in-law”. There are two sets of homes and values that this couple were raised in. It seems that your brother-in-law was raised to be a mentch!
Have your daughters ready when the young man comes to the door. She can wait a minute or two before she joins you and sits down. Talk to them for about 5 minutes and send them on their way.
Tums, that would be a “dating coach”, unless they need to learn manners, in that case a Life coach would help.
Personally, I don’t believe it is anyone’s business. If you want to tell people your age, that is your choice but it is not nice to ask others to comply.
Truthfully, it creeps me out. Although I do acknowledge all the time how the German government is the first to respond against anti-Semitism, and how they stepped up to the plate telling Turkey to accept the UN’s report about. I can feel the shame sometimes when some of their people talk about the past and yet I just can’t even contemplate ever going to Germany or Austria or even taking a German airline or stop over. I just don’t feel safe and secure doing that. Please note: My mom a”h and her sisters were Auschwitz survivors.
If you know anything about Springer you know he is a menuval and he does what he wants.
Feif Un. Thanks for clearing things up. As far as Weprin is concerned he thinks that he deserves the Jewish vote because he is Religious Jew and that’s it. He doesn’t feel he has to earn it.
I was justing thinking that yesterday when I was reading the 9/11 stories. I can feel it in the air. The Arab nations are itching for war, they have become restless and have had it too good with the peace and civility that Israel has shown them. They will fight and they will lose and they will go crying to the UN that Israel has stolen their land and are settling on stolen properties holding their people refugees of war. But this will be a wake up call to all the nations of the world who have been watching. And the United States will have to back Israel because they have no other choice and Obama will go down with his Arab brothers.
Nechomah, you are absolutely right and that is why that and the depression would be considered red flags.
OK, in your humble opinion why are people so eager to give free unsolicited advice :)?
mommamia22, Obviously the Shalom Task Force was set up specifically for women in your situation and it is sad that no one has mentioned that to you before. If you are up to it, you might also try to get in touch with Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twersky who is the most supportive and understanding person and one who would give you expert advice. If possible you might try to read some of his books on the subject to also give you some chizuk and support. I am currently working on a case similar to yours and by no means is it a simple decision cut and dry. There is a lot involved and without a support system in place it is very difficult to stand up for oneself and make any sort of necessary change at all. But that does not mean that one shouldn’t stand up for themselves and do whatever is in their power to be treated appropriately and respectfully. It is a step by step process and building a support system is one of the steps.
So Mama, please do make the calls, read the books, do whatever you can do to secure for yourself and your children as normal and happy a life as possible. YOU deserve it, you don’t deserve to be anyone’s punching bag, anyone’s source for letting off steam, anyone’s slave or maid or servant. You are a partner in a marriage as a wife and as a mother and you should be treated with love, honor and respect.
GM, if you go out with him again I would suggest that you grab the bull by the horn, bite the bullet or use whatever cliche there is and be upfront “did you realize that you speak about former dates?” “btw, you have I’ve noticed a bit of negativity on your part are you always like that?” and see how he reacts. If he laughs it off and blames it on nerves, you can both laugh about it and move on from there. If he gets more nervous, negative or depressed, you will have your answer.
workinonit, I am trying to help you, but you don’t seem to want to hear me. There is a book I ask all my clients to read. It is called “Choice Theory” by Dr. William Glaser. You can get it on Amazon. You might try reading it. It will help you understand one’s ability to make the right choices for themselves and not allow the circumstances around them trick them into believing they have no choice. Or allowing others to control their choices for them. He gives examples through the book by following a few of his cases.
Firstly it is absolutely inappropriate to discuss other dates on your date. Especially in the beginning and not when you are close to engagement.
Having said that, you are obviously getting “bad” vibes from this guy. You are not supposed to be his therapist, nor set up with him because you would be good for him. YOU are supposed to be good for each other. So if you are both not coming home with a good feeling about each other and the date, then it is not a good idea to continue.
You can “choose” to wish her success and keep in touch with her via phone, email or letters and just be happy for the opportunity she was given and through that accomplishment work on making a new friend. Choose NOT to waste your energies on what you can’t do, and put them into what you can do. You can choose to make a decision to stop wasting your energies and efforts with all the negativities in your life and try to either look for the positives or create positives in your life. Your life and happiness truly are not conditional on what others do and what others choose. They really depend on the choices you make in your own life.
It also allows victims to get support from other sources which they didn’t expect. That in itself is huge because many feel that no one cares.
Da Lifnei mi atah omeid
Haolam nivra bishvili, v’gam bishivilach.
One of the steps we can do today is what you did and succumb. Actually take a look at what abuse looks like and not bury one’s head in the sand. Kudos, thanks for opening up your eyes, mind and heart.
I do get your point and it is very sad that is the nature of people and WE are NOT on a higher madreigah.
Yes, the school should be more interactive but why look at what someone else can do or has to do when the first response is what is MY responsibility in this and what do I teach my child? What can I do to support him in this situation?
I would suggest that you go to the store and have him pick out his own ball that he can play with at recess. How long do you think it would take for someone to go over to him and ask if they can play with him? Make sure you put HIS name on it so no one tries to take it away from him. And remind him how he felt when he was told “NO” when he asked if he could play. Lets see what develops from there. The one who owns the ball holds the cards. What lessons does he learn from this?
Number one there are solutions to every problem.
He can always come and discuss things with you and the two of you can work on problem solving.
He does not have to try to be part of a crowd that doesn’t value him, he has to recognize his own value. So in essence be a leader and not a follower. If others want to play with him, he doesn’t have to be stuck up and be the kind that says “no” or “i’ll think about it”. He can be the one that says, “sure, everyone counts”.
Always stand tall and proud, don’t let others devalue you or attack your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Jl, others mentioned that she acts more like a stepmother and that is a possibility as well. Since she speaks to the husband and he goes straight to the girl and starts beating her while the woman turns her back. It is NOT likely that she is a victim but more likely a second wife.
Ofcourse, you can pay an online service a $30 fee to do a search. It is not that expensive.
Kapusta, Look over your shoulder and say “What siblings???????”
Well then I would suggest that Bomb tell us what he decided to do, and then we can all give him info and suggestions.
If there is a reason you must know there is usually an archive at a local newspaper of arrests in the city. You might need to know the approximate date.
MP, you are so MALE!!!
ZD, maybe you can help him plan the trip. Bomb I can give you an excellent travel agent, and I can even find the guide we used in Rome last year. There is only one Yeshiva both boys and girls but they house 1,300 kids. That blew my mind.
OK, lets do a little soul searching. If I were there my gut reaction would be to get between them and stand in front of the child. What would you have done had you been there or if you witnessed such a horrible occurrence. Be honest. I probably would have said, “you will touch this child again over my dead body. Or you will have to go through me to get to this child again.” Anyone who knows me knows I am NOT kidding.
Strange question. Is this in regard to a shidduch or business situation or are you just curious?
MP, try this. “What does your father do”, “this best he can”.
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time!
Do you need a heter to walk in the street? Are you going into the store to look at the images? I don’t get the question. Why do you need to get a heter to shop in a department store, was there an issur not to?
bein_hasdorim, isn’t it sad that one has to be careful because of technology? Shame on US!! On the one hand we are so proud of our LEARNING, on the other hand we have to be careful because of technology!!!! Isn’t it enough to remember that HASHEM is recording everything and he files HIS DVD’s for your Din V’chesbon after 120?
Thanks BH for pointing it out for those who forgot “da lifnei me atah omed”
Nimshal, no matter how much you try to be something or someone that you are not, you are NOT fooling anyone. You still remain the fool.
zahavasdad, Gam Gam is the ONY kosher restaurant in Venice. And Rami and his family are amazing. It is quite an experience. Venice in itself is amazing and quite an experience as is Rome.
bombmaniac, you deserve a trip of a lifetime. There is a lot of Jewish history in Rome and in Venice and if you can make a trip and see both cities that would be amazing. There is no problems with food. If you contact Rami before you go, he will make sure to wait for you when you get there so you will have something to eat in case you come in late. You can call him when your plane lands and make arrangements. And there are so many Restaurants to choose from in the Ghetto all in walking distance so that is not an issue either. It pays to invest in a Jewish guide because there is so much to learn. And the cities are very old and historic. You do NOT have to go to any churches at all. WE didn’t and we chose NOT to go to Vatican city at all. We loved the artists in the Pallazzo and we did invest in some paintings there. They were lovely.
The SHUL in Rome was amazing. There is another smaller shul across the bridge in the old hospital with beautiful stained glass windows.
Bomb, treat yourself to an amazing experience. It is not Holy like going to E”Y, but you would be surprised the connections in history.
The sad part is, if he is NOT ashamed to do that in public where everyone sees, what does he do in private where ONLY Hashem sees? Here in the states, he probably would have been taken before a judge and had a case opened with ACS at the very least, if not have his children removed from his “care”. He would have probably been ordered for psych evaluation as well as anger management program.
Thanks guys, I needed a good laugh.
Kapusta, I lared many, many moons ago to be careful asking questions. It must have been 20 years ago, I asked someone who I knew was expecting that I had bumped into months later. I asked how she was and excitedly asked what she had. I was so shocked and embarrassed when she told me “A miscarriage”. Obviously I did NOT ask her to be nosy or to pry. I asked from excitement and happiness for her and felt like I put my foot in my mouth or even worse like I got shot in the heart.
workinonit, I was thinking about you last night. You don’t hear it from your own parents so let me tell you. I LOVE YOU!!!!!! You are Hashem’s child and you deserve to be loved, so let me get on board by saying I LOVE YOU!!!! And I am sending you a huge cyber-hug ? HUGE CYBER HUG ? I hope you felt that because I squeezed as hard as I could. Anytime you need a hug or need to hear I love you, just let me know because I don’t have a problem saying it or meaning it.