aries2756

AYC- Always Your Chaver!

B”DE, according to the report the decision was made NOT to tell her father until after Sukkos.

The terrorists are interchangeable they are like ants. If it is not them, there will be others. They are worthless pieces of garbage with no minds of their own. Hashem will take care of them. The Israelis can’t kill them. So why should they spend Millions feeding them, housing them and keeping them healthy, while schooling them as well. They are not letting out the leaders who are the thinkers. They are letting out the idiots who do their bidding. They grow like weeds and there are thousands more like them. They are worthless and even thousands are not as valuable as one Jew.

Refuah Sheleimah!

Is that for bochurim or married men as well? Does that make sense then? Should wives have to wait to leave messages for them husbands or should they interrupt them during learning with a phone call?

If you know someone in Hatzolah maybe you can call them and have them come over to check you for dehydration. They should know the signs. If you are dehydrated, they can take you to the hospital tonight to get rehydrated. Even if you have to drink on Yom Kippur you will still feel better and possibly be able to go to shul and daven. The problem is, if you are dehydrated and you don’t get help tonight, you can be sick on Yom Tov and that will cause you and your family more complications.

You have two choices ignore it and keep getting more, or reply and put a stop to it. I have chosen to reply and put a stop to it.

I’m sorry AYC, I’ve been busy and didn’t have time to look here.

Understanding that we have choices is the first step.

Understanding that we can only control ourselves and not others is the second.

What can we do (I do) in a situation I have no control of? Should I just accept the way things are? Is there anything I can do to fix it? What kind of support would I need to accomplish this?

If there is no way to fix the situation, do I just accept it? Do I allow this situation to ruin my life and continue to hurt me? Do I choose to recognize that there is nothing I can do about it but choose to give it over to Hashem. Hashem is the ultimate score keeper. He will either make her stop or punish her for what she is doing. Do I have the faith and bitachon to allow Hashem to handle this for me? Do I choose to cut myself loose from this pain and distraction in my life and forgive her so that I can move on and forget about her? Or am I going to be so caught up in it that I allow her not only to control the situation but to control my life and be a part of it, hurting me every day?

I am in control of MY own actions. I can choose what I want to do. I can choose to NOT allow this person to drag me down into her nonsense. I have three choices here. 1. I can choose to confront her either alone or through halachic or legal means to attempt to force her to stop. 2. I can allow her to control me and my emotions till she chooses to stop on her own. 3. I can make a choice for myself and give this up to Hashem to deal with and cut her out of my life.

When we choose to move forward and not stay stuck in the past or in the bad feelings or the bad situation, the people around us react to the change in us. In other words if someone else mentions her the reaction would be “I would rather not discuss her, she is no longer a part of my life. Yes I know she talks about me, but for the life of me I can’t understand why and don’t plan on wasting any energy trying to figure that one out.” What will your friends think of that change? After you say it a few times, do you think your friends will still bring her up in conversation?

If you keep telling them that you don’t forgive her or will never forgive her, they will try to make peace, or subconsciously bring her name up to see your reaction. If there is no reaction, there is no purpose in bringing her name up. So if you choose to move on and say “I have moved on lets change the subject”, that is one thing less they have to yenta about. You will be putting out the fire at your end and eventually she will have to find another topic or victim for her nasty attitude.

How do you do it? It is YOUR choice. You have to choose.

ToMo is a place for serious learning. If that is your intention then you should check it out. All sorts of boys go there, and those who are very serious can be there for years.

So Kapusta who didn’t look very good, she or you?

People who don’t want him to win need to get moving and start speaking their mind. If you sit back and take anything for granted, then you deserve what you get and we certainly can’t afford another 4 years of misery and neither can Israel. Having Obama in the White House was a true ONESH from Shamayim.

Email back and tell the person you don’t participate in chain mail. Then it is up to them to choose a replacement.

“i was told by my rav that I would have to prove that i did nothing to provoke getting beaten.”

If that is the case you might seriously consider finding another RAV who is more sensitive to these issues.

Ofcourse, do you mean to clean up the mess?

You are quite talented. Now I will have a voice in my head when I read your emails. thank you.

They are both nuts as far as i’m concerned and the only place for them right now is in a fruit cake where they could do no more harm.

Yehuda Tzvi, your Rav probably suggested this to you, but did you check your tefillin and mezuzas?

WD, how sad to have lost two such very important and close family members in such a short period of time. As you said there is no rue book as how one should feel, and as you remember there were very few rules as to how one should even mourn. Hashem left it up to nature, each individual person’s nature to deal with loss in his/her own way. The only one thing that we share, the common bond is when we are ready to accept Hashem’s decree we know we can turn to him for support and Chizuk. May you experience health, happiness, simchos and nachas in the coming year.

There is a huge difference between forgiving and forgetting. It is easier to forgive than forget, but it is almost impossible to forget if you don’t forgive. In addition just because one forgives someone that does NOT necessarily mean that you pick up the relationship where you left off.

Why is it important to forgive? Not forgiving keeps us chained to that person forever. It takes a lot of energy to hold that grudge and be angry at someone. Choosing never to forgive someone means that you are forcing yourself to remember that person and choosing to be angry at them consistently reminding yourself of what that person did to you. “I will never forgive “x” for ……. and so on. This is a daily process almost from waking to going to sleep. Every morning you wake up and remind yourself how angry you are at so and so because of what they did, and if someone so much as mentions that person’s name or you see someone who lives on their block, or goes to the same school, or reminds you of them in some way, shape, or form, you will remind yourself again of why you will never forgive them for…….. On the other hand, that person probably doesn’t care, doesn’t remember, or doesn’t even know that you are angry. One of the three, and does not expend any energy in this disagreement at all. While you are busy thinking about them every day, they don’t give you a second thought while they go about their business. Which in turn makes you even more upset.

So look at both sides of the coin here. By not forgiving the “victim” relives the pain over and over and over again, while the “initiator” is not affected by the entire controversy at all and does not suffer one iota from the entire incident. Who is worse off and who is better off? What happens through the process of forgiving?

When a person chooses to forgive whether they tell the other party that they are forgiven or not, what happens is they free themselves from that prison of pain. They no longer HAVE to remember the hurt and the injustice done to them. They can now choose to put that person out of their hearts and out of their minds. That person is no longer important to them and is no longer a player in their world. This in turn allows them to heal and gives them an opportunity to forget the entire affair. It is impossible to forget the incident as long as you are still angry and choose to not to forgive. No matter how much a person claims that the initiator is not important to them, subconsciously they are because they are the key player in pain process.

I hope this was helpful in some way, and that you will be able to logically “choose” to forgive even though you can’t emotionally choose to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice. “I choose to forgive you, him, her because it just takes too much energy to be angry at you….I can’t control other people, only myself and I can’t change other people only myself therefor I can’t control what you do or did. I don’t have to like you or be your friend but I can choose to like myself enough to NOT relive the pain of the incident over and over again. I therefore forgive your lack of common sense, your streak of meanness, your need to speak loshon horah (or whatever else it was) because you are in control of your own poor choices and there is nothing I can do about it other than learn never to make those same bad choices in my own life”.

ayc, actually nose rings are “very” in style today, that’s why they are out of style by the Yidden. 🙂 BTW, It is not worth having, it is very painful to take out and put back on a monthly basis.

Happiest, do you remember the davening? Mi Yamut? Mi b’kitzo? Who will die, in their time? It is only by the grace of Hashem that he blessed these Holy Neshomos with such amazing arichas yomim to begin with. Of course they deserved it, but who is to say that others don’t. It is ONLY Hashem who decides who will reach such an amazing age, who will die in “their time” and who will die when it is not in their time or b’derech ha’tevah.

If Hashem decides that now is the time, or at this time I will teach my Holy people what it means to die b’derech hatevah at one’s appropriate time, then who are we to question that? Boruch Dayan Emes! We were fortunate to have these amazing Tzadikim and role models in our generation. Let us ONLY hear news that old people have passed b’zmaneyhem b’derech hatevah, from old age after living full and happy lives fulfilling their tafkidim here on this world to go on to reap the rewards in the world to come.

Happiest, dying is part of the cycle of life. No one lives forever. But when we hear about people who die past 100 years, we have to be happy even in sadness. This is still b’derech hatevah. It is a natural thing and it is not a tragedy it is normal. They have earned their Olam Habah and they move on to the next phase.

As a young person going to shul with my mom a”h, I would sit upstairs in the ezras noshim and ask her why the older women her age were all crying during davening. Now I am one of those women that are crying during davening.When we daven Rosh Hashana and we say “Mi b’mayim, Mi b’esh, etc.” People my age have lost loved ones and acquaintances and have read of tragedies like this past summer, or the young bochur who was washed off the shore in Australia just a few years back who lived in my neighborhood. These words have so much more meaning to us now. So when I saw the news about the petiras I said BDE, and I thought it is sad for us, but how amazing, what a life they had, what an impact they made, what a bracha to die at the right time from natural causes and how they earned their Olam Habah.

It is all in the way you look at things, the camera’s eye or angle, the perspective you are coming from. Be happy sweet girl, you have a long and healthy life ahead of you. G’mar Chasima Tova!

When you have to work your kids around your job rather than your job around your kids, then you are stepping into that territory of NOT being a good mother. When you bring your job home and have no patience or time for your kids even when you are at home, then you are not a good mother. When you have no time for your kids or are too tired to listen to them or play with them because you are too tired from your job then you are NOT a good mother. Because Motherhood still has to come before your career. If the career is that important to you, then you have to make that decision before you make the decision to become a mother. Not everyone can have everything and it is no mitzvah to bring children into this world that will be ignored or raised by others. Those children grow up feeling unloved and unwanted and they carry the burden of they mother’s choices.

m in Israel, I particularly find anyone who says that staying home with your kids is not “intellectually stimulating” very judgmental and snobby. I can understand when someone says they have no patience to be home with their kids or find it too difficult and their kids are better off if they go to work at least part time so they have more patience for them. I can get that because that thought process focuses on the kids’ best interest and not on the mom’s best interest. The point being that if you CHOOSE to have children then you are obligated to put them first. If you don’t believe that you are obligated to put your kids first then there is no way you are a good mother. And then the question becomes why have the kids if you don’t put them first, if your needs come first and you would rather work than take care of them and raise them? That is very selfish.

As far as putting effort into education and not using that practically later on, all I have to say is education is education and the more you learn the better off you are. You have no idea when you might have to use it or fall back on it. So it is never for naught.

The ring is something that needs to be discussed before you get engaged. It would be very sad if young woman really wanted a diamond and once you were engaged you told her she was only getting a CZ. That could cause a lot of machlokes. That is definitely something that needs to be spoken about before the final decision. If you can’t afford a real diamond or it is the custom of your family to buy only CZ, then that is something that needs to be disclosed. If the Kallah expects to have what her sisters or sister-in-law received then it could cause her real emotional pain and magmas nefesh if you spring it on her after the engagement. She might feel that you were hiding this fact from her.

EzratHashem, unfortunately HS’s are not focussed any longer on teaching their students that their first obligation is to be good mothers and good wives and that raising their children is the most important and best job in the world. That is no longer taught. Girls are motivated and pushed to have careers so that they could support their husbands. They are “NOT” motivated to get as much education as possible because as mikehall said Hashem gave them a brain, or because no one knows when they will get married or have children so they should continue their education and be whatever they want to be and then allow their husbands to learn as long as they can.

Did this contribute to the shidduch crisis? Yes it could have because when you have very educated and now sophisticated young women working in the real world, they no longer have anything in common or anything to talk about with their yeshivish male counterparts.