By Rabbi Yair Hoffman

Ruki D. Renov has not only authored a remarkably insightful book on marriage (The Art of Marriage, Mekor Press), she has also discovered the secret to effectively addressing the growing problem of failing marriages.

Let’s face some rough facts.

• There is a growing problem of divorce in our community.

• The information of how to resolve problems in marriage is out there – but people just don’t attempt to do so.

• Marriage insight books are boring – especially to a generation raised on social media, and flash graphics.

• Working on one’s marriage (and oneself) is something that people are uncomfortable with – with devastating repercussions.

Enter Ruki Renov. In her recently redesigned and re-issued book on marriage she presents the sagacious and penetrating advice and insights that make marriages better with engaging humor. The combination works.

The secret she has discovered is that this advice is best conveyed through relevant humor.

The humor effectively establishes a rapport with the reader, but it does more. It not only alleviates the boredom generally found in marital advice books, it facilitates a self-understanding in the reader – and of others. Example: On page 360, the author weaves in a mother-in-law joke in a discussion of how unhealthy and destructive negative images of in-laws in our society actually are. The disarming approach of the humor helps bring the message home, conveying powerful messages toward self-improvement.

On page 196-197, the author discusses the importance of not only communicating one’s needs – but making sure that the spouse is hearing what you are saying. How to ask questions when listening to your spouse that show interest and understanding while helping the spouse focus as well. Never think – I already know what you are about to say, and I have formulated my response to it. All this is conveyed through the rubric of humor.

There are matriarchal families and patriarchal families. Sometimes one spouse comes from one type and the other from the second type. This does not have to lead to tension, however. The author provides the right advice – communication – (258-259) in deciding how to make such a marriage work.

In a good marriage (307-308), the couple remembers their past with nostalgia, enjoys their present, and anticipate positively their future. This is not true of a couple (or individual) that allow resentment and anger to linger. She advises looking to each other for support every day – in little ways. More often than not, it is the little things that count. If a spouse had a rough day, being there, helping out is key. It shows deep appreciation. The little things are reflective of the inner feelings.

Of course, books are no replacements for effective marriage therapists. But books are the keys to unlocking understanding. Research has demonstrated that gaining and keeping the reader’s attention is key to deeper understanding. Renov’s humor keeps the reader engaged – which leads to outcomes of better marriage relationships. It also points the reader into the direction of improvement and where help is necessary.

This book is a necessary one. If read regularly by couples who are starting off (and more seasoned couples as well) – it will improve lives and put a dent in the devastating and far-reaching effects of broken marriages.

The book is available at Jewish bookstores, at Menucha Publishers, as well as on Amazon.com

The reviewer can be reached at [email protected]