The morning’s Email brings word that a friend’s book Dating Secrets is about to hit better bookstores everywhere. Knowing my friend, the pseudonymous Leah Jacobs, I have not the slightest doubt that her advice will smooth the shidduchim process for many singles, and help them close on those shidduchim that should go through and weed out those that should not.
But one thing this book will not do as advertised is provide an answer to the “Singles Crisis.” The roots of that crisis lie not in the realm of individual psychology – for which a book of advice can help – but in hard, cold statistics about the demography of the Orthodox community.
To put the Singles Crisis as baldly as possible: There are too many girls for too few boys. That is true for two reasons: (1) the Orthodox community is growing rapidly; (2) there tends to be a large age gap between most religious couples, with the husbands several years older than their wives. (The exception to the latter rule is the Chassidic world in which it is not uncommon for husbands to be the same age or even younger than their wives, and in which one does not hear of a Singles Crisis.)
To understand why these two facts guarantee a “Singles Crisis” let us consider the following hypothetical. Assume that 1,000 boys and 1,000 girls are born in 1985. If the community grows by 4% per annum, the comparable cohort for those born four years later will be 1160 boys and 1160 girls. If boys marry, on average, girls four years younger than themselves (the actual figure for the yeshiva community is 3.5 years and for the overall non-Chassidic Orthodox community 3 years) we are left with a situation in which every cohort of 1,000 boys finds itself paired with a cohort of 1,160 girls. That is a recipe for disaster.
The problem here is sociological, not biological. Hashem, in His infinite wisdom, has arranged matters so that slightly more boys are born than girls. On average, 104 boys reach the age of 20 for every 100 girls. Indeed that 4% differential offers some hope of solving the Singles Crisis with relatively small adjustments in our current patterns of dating and marriage.
Identifying the gap between the average age that young men and young women enter the shidduchim process as the source of the problem points us in the direction of a solution. Either young men will have to start dating earlier (even a one year reduction of the average marriage age over time would have an immense impact) or women will have to start dating later, or some combination of both.
But changing societal norms that have evolved in response to particular realities is never easy. At present, the norm in America is for young men in the yeshiva community to learn two or three years in beis medrash after high school, and then to go to Eretz Yisrael for another one or two years of learning before entering the marriage market. Young women usually spend a year in seminary after high school, and then begin to date. Thus the age of entry into the shidduch market is three to four years older for men than women.
In Eretz Yisrael, yeshiva students tend to marry at a younger age than their American counterparts, but there are factors weighing against a further reduction in the marriage age. Consider the situation of a yeshiva bochur in Eretz Yisrael. As long as he is in yeshiva, he can learn as late at night as he wants. He is surrounded by friends, and those with whom he can talk in learning. As he advances in his learning, he has many younger students eager to listen to his chaburos and to ask him questions. While in yeshiva, he has few worries.
As soon as he gets married, he must worry about landing one of the ever harder to find kollel spots, and he cannot afford to be too choosy about whether the kollel suits his needs. He also has to worry about whether his wife will find a job. The transition from carefree yeshiva bochur to harried avreich is swift. Those who genuinely love learning will not be eager to make the leap any sooner than necessary. Such financial pressures in the first years after marriage are less prevalent in America, and allow more room for a further reduction in the marriage age for yeshiva bochurim.
Girls are more mature and accrue more varied life experiences at an earlier age. That too militates against a dramatic decrease in the age at which boys marry. On the other hand, there are clear advantages to girls marrying later. For one thing, they can acquire training that allows them to earn a good parnassah in the role of (partial) breadwinner that they have now been assigned. If they marry right out of seminary and are blessed with children immediately, they will likely never have the opportunity to acquire such training, and find themselves permanently consigned to low-paying, menial jobs. The problem, of course, is that girls panicked about getting married will never agree to delay the start of shidduchim unless that becomes the societal norm.
Failure to close the gap in marriage age, as Rabbi Chaim Tropper demonstrated, in a chilling demographic presentation at the convention of Agudath Israel of America last year, will result in hundreds of young women per year going unmarried, and the number of unmarried women between 25 and 45 reaching the many thousands within the next few decades in the United States alone.
Each of these women will have been raised to look forward to being a wife and mother as her most important task in life. The long-range consequences for our families and our society from such a large group of unmarried women are too painful to contemplate.
A letter signed by six leading American roshei yeshiva last summer describing those bochurim who feel inclined to marry at a younger age as acting in full accord with the Torah (see Kiddushin 29b), was an important first step to addressing the problem. And renowned lecturer Paysach Krohn’s speech for the Chofetz Chaim Foundation’s Tisha B’Av video urging young men to consider marrying women close to their own age was a second. (Given that women live, on average, more than seven years longer than men, the latter suggestion certainly makes actuarial sense.) The magnitude of the tragedy facing our daughters mandates many more such initiatives.
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31 Responses
Here we go again….This isn’t an issue any one person can resolve.If the rabbonim all get together and paskin that you cannot marry someone much younger than you-will that help?not quite.The rabbonim(litfish and chasidish) have already tryed by promising brachos and all.. to bachurim which marry young and take girls closer to their age..hasn’t quite worked.Bottom line is a boy will marry who he wants no matter the age difference-he does have plenty to choose from you know-unless the rabbonim void the cheirim of rabbeinu gershem that is…(then everyone can have two shvers-the problem starts with the shvigger though!!)
Bravo to the author — and to the YWN editor for publishing!! A superb, clear exposition of our matzav! NOW WHAT??
Rabbonim, take note! Mechanchos, please approach your Rov for hadracha! This tikkun can only help strengthen our klal: our girls will have the extra year or two to develop work skills which can bring desperately-needed funds to our families AND MOSDOS; our sons will have the time to shteig in limudim and maturity; our grandchildren will have more mature, personally “settled” parents. It’s Kulo tov!
I call on our gedolei Yisroel to put together a worldwide vaad to drive our communal ship back on course. To save klal Yisroel from itself. Our girls are stressed beyond their years; our mosdos and bnei Torah are running on defecits. It’s not working anymore, and small, local efforts will not address the problem.
P.S. My children are still several years from being “in the parsha.” Still, it is SO distressing to hear my oldest daughter already “obsessing” about having to get married by 19!! Help!
“On the other hand, there are clear advantages to girls marrying later. For one thing, they can acquire training that allows them to earn a good parnassah in the role of (partial) breadwinner that they have now been assigned. If they marry right out of seminary and are blessed with children immediately, they will likely never have the opportunity to acquire such training, and find themselves permanently consigned to low-paying, menial jobs.”
Unbelievable, that they are proposing that woman marry and/or have children at a later age. Encouraging the delaying of a great mitzva. Quite incomprehensible.
One solution, considering the problem is described as there being too many woman, and not enough men to marry them, would be to recognize that Cherem Rabbeinu Gershom expired at 1,000.
Why does nobody see a problem with the idea that a woman is expected to support her family?? Where in the torah is THIS idea coming from???? If anything, the torah condones a woman staying in the house!! Why can’t men be men and support their families? Torah is important, hence, koveah eetim, but to expect the burden of bearing children, maintaining a house, AND financially supporting a family to rest solely on a woman’s shoulders is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous!!! Who’s gonna raise the next generation of baalei torah if the women are expected to be out working? The russian babysitters??!!
Whether the Cherem D’Rabbeinu Gershom expired or not is irrelevant to this discussion, as Dina Dmalchusa Dina and the law in most countries that heimishe yiden live in, is 1 spouse.
I heard – unverified – that Rabbi Moshe Heineman from Baltimore said a partial solution may be that some more Litfishe girls should marry some more Chasidishe boys – as by the Chasidim there are more boys than girls – and they have the problem in reverse.
Short of that I have no other solutions – however remember – Arbaim Yom Kodem Yetziras V’lad Bas Kol Yotzaas – Someone is out there for YOU! Hatzlacha in finding the right one.
emesveyativ-Firstly,if the cheirim was lifted,you can consider establishing a jewish community in UTAH….secondly,with the intermarriage rate in america standing at approximately 93%…things have been screwed up a bit…
rachelthejew-“If anything, the torah condones a woman staying in the house!!” did i miss something??????Doesn’t it say kol kvoda bas melech penima???????
An effort needs to be made on an ongoing basis to educate boys on the advantages of marrying girls closer to them in age. As others have pointed out, older girls are better educated and more mature, much more capable of earning more money. Regrettable as it is for men to depend on their wives for a living income, that is the accepted reality today.
The shadchonim could help also by steering boys to older girls.
As someone who has a girl in the parsha, and have promised full support for many years, I can tell you, to find a good bachur is getting very hard.
I don’t want a bochur that smokes. That itself removes between 50-80% if not more of all the bochurim.
Also ,he should show up for time in Davening ,Seder is Seder.
What I really can not understand, is there are easy ways to help the situation, for example, a Yeshiva should have a no smoking policy.
My daughters in Beis Yaakov, must show up on time.They should have that same policy for Bochurim.
I have other comments, but I would like to see these first 2 enacted first.
Besides the obvious problem of great girls not getting shidduchim, for those who are lucky enough to get one, the pressure is so immense, that they are afraid to be themselvs and say no to a boy for the fear they will never get another chance. This is causing so many problems leading to broken engagements, and divorces r”l, and many more very dissapointed couples.
As far as the solution, it is much easier to get the boys age down then the girls age up. At least until the numbers come closer together, no parent in their right mind is going to turn away a good shidduch for their daughter, just for the ideal of waiting. However the boys can get married before going to EY and lett them shteig there as complete human beings, as many of the chasidishe do.
rachelthejew is absolutely correct. The idea, as endorsed in this article, that a woman expected to support the family financially is against all traditional Jewish values. And rachelthejew is further correct in pointing out the a Baas Yisroels place is in the home.
Concerning the Cherem, someone once told me, they have to me Mater it. It is very hard to live on one salary.
In response to rachelthejew ,men do learn in kollel for a short period of time but then they seek their “parnosah”and quiet frankly most do fairly well “B”ezhasem”. On the subject here about shidduchim ,its so sad, if anyone is familiar with Passaic NJ you are all well aware of the dozens upon dozens of frum single older girls who have moved there from all over.They have established a life for themself they have a close knit of friends good jobs and various shuls that they attend,but the underlying sad fact is that the deppression these girls go through is immense.Something needs to be DONE and a first step in the right direction is for a popular publication like Mishpacha to address this issue.One other note for thought is ,how many of us give even a minute of thought even once a day ,to maybe help these girls by thinking of a compatible shidduch for them .Maybe its about time we all got invoved!
I agree with rachelthejew. Hashem gave out two curses- one for men and one for women. There is no reason why women should have both of them. In regard to husbands who learn in kollel for a few years, are they trained in some kind of profession so that when they do go to work they can make a decent salary?…or does the weight of parnasa still fall on the shoulders of the wives because they have been better educated and prepared to make a good living?
And don’t forget about the babies and toddlers. They are being raised by others, not their mothers. This does not seem to be the Jewish way. Perhaps we should go back to what the Kesuva says – it is the man’s responsibility to support his wife, not vice versa. Perhaps we will have more stable families if that was the norm – even if it means a man has to give up some of his Torah learning time. With all the Torah being learned today, more than ever before, are we seeing happy and healthy families as a result? Or are we seeing stressed out and unhappy families??
to say “i call on gedolei yisroel” is a contradiction. if you hold them in such high regard shouldn’t you trust their judgment?
last i saw the bas kol was about the boy
Everyone seems to agree that there is a shidduch crisis, and some have offered suggestions. However as a single girl in the “parsha” let me tell you from my experiences what I see as some problems . Firstly, boys get red tons more shidduchim than girls but that makes sense since there are many more good girls out there . However, the boys parents are often looking for the wrong things for their sons, often money & looks take priority over a/t else & many times the boy himself is looking for something entirely different than his parents. Another issue that I see is that most the BY type of girls (at least the gals I know )today are much more educated,sophisticated & REAL than the boys out there. Many boys are not who they seem & many are just “learning” so they can get a good girl but thats a whole separate issue of the crisis. But I agree with the previous post that more people should definitely get involved in redding shidduchim & from what I see more people are really trying! & to all the great singles out there -Hang in there & try to be as positive as you can your bashert is coming closer & the BEST things in life are worth waiting for !!!! 🙂 Thank you mishpacha magazine for always highlighting important issues in the community!
Re: Girls marrying later – after earning their degrees and advancing their education
in considering that proposal, would we not be creating the same type of issues prevalent on the upper west side – where there are a whole class of girls/women in their 20’s and 30’s, who are not married?
you’re really not manipulating the demographic…you’re just restructuring it – with the potential for sociological disaster in the chareidi community
It’s hearbreaking. There are so many frum single girls I know that have been dating for years and are still looking. They are amazing in every single way except one at this point, which highlights a factor posted by many of the previous posters. AGE. A staggering amount of guys out there are not willing to date girls that are not significantly younger than they are, no matter how pretty and wonderful these girls are. And guess what? Most shadchanim and parents let them get away with that. How can it continue this way? To inform the public, a large number of older guys are unfortunately really strange, really picky, or really commitment-phobic. Whether they were so originally (which may explain why they’re still around and available) or they became that way, the fact still remains that a multitude of amazing frum twenty- and thirty-something-year-old girls are still single and hurting. And watching the world leave them behind.
It’s heartbreaking.
I agree that boys have to be taught that there is nothing wrong with marrying a girl their age or older. But they also have to be taught to marry girls who are only a little bit younger than them! I just tried to make a shidduch, but the boy’s mother wouldn’t even look into the girl because she is 30 years old. Guess how old the boy is? 34!!! But his mother said he can still get a girl in her 20’s so why should he settle for a 30-year-old – even though she is 4 YEARS younger than him!
Abi meleibt Says:
December 14th, 2006 at 2:21 pm
rachelthejew-”If anything, the torah condones a woman staying in the house!!” did i miss something??????Doesn’t it say kol kvoda bas melech penima???????
con·done /kənˈdoʊn/ Pronunciation Key – Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuhn-dohn]
to give tacit approval to: By his silence, he seemed to condone their behavior
or another example would be if anything the torah condones a woman staying home hence kol kavodah bas melech penima
whatever, abi melaibt
Whatever- i actually cut and pasted rachelthejew comment….abi meleibt though
I am a 33year old BT Kohane, who recently married married a wonderful 26 year old FFB from a non-yeshivish, yet non-modern NORMAL, wonderful family–no shtick, just real emes!
Before I met my wife, I dated over 80 girls from UWS to BY Boro Park girls and everyone in between (I even dated my wife’s sister-in-law!)
From my experiences, I saw many problems in both the boys and the girls (although I was in an older parsha)
many of the girls were too free-minded and didn’t think with daas Torah, many had warped or inconsistent hashkafos, some girls were just too picky–looking for a super handsome, talmid chuchum with a PHD and a wonderful sophisticated family. some girls judged me because of where I came from, and some simply had no clue what they wanted.
many guys, especially the older ones, are just wierdos, many are obsessed w/ the age thing (my buddy “piloni” is 44, just found a job after years of living off of savings, yet he turns down girls because they are too old–37 or 38! he really expects a 32 yr old to go out t/ him) Of course, many guys are looking for perfect barbie-dolls, and the list goes on…….
In the post high-school standard yeshivish world, I see lots of unecessary “shtick”. I was once by my chavrusa’s house, and he was on the phone w/ the mother of a buchur from his yeshiva trying to recommend a shidduch for his sister. He spent over 30 minutes explaining to the mother each and every one of his siblings, who they are married to, and how “chashiv” they are (of course he didn’t mention his one sister who is off the “yeshivish” derech and not in close contact with the family) WHAT ON EARTH DOES ALL THIS HAVE TO DO W/ THE SHIDDUCH ITSELF? Nothing! Of course, the boy said no because the girl opted not to attend seminary for various reasons.
As I sincerely wanted to get married, I opened up to different options. I was willing to try long distance dating, I went out w/ girls OLDER than me, I tried sephardim, BT’s, FFB’s etc…. and I almost always went out w/ the girl for a 2nd date even if the 1st wasn’t so promising.
B”H my wife and I are now living in E”Y to start our marriage while I learn in kollel. Daven hard, be honest w/ yourself and Hashem will answer!
i think the problem has nothing to do with statistics even if their would be the same amount of boys and girls there will always be the problem that their is more good girls than good boys,
every girl is looking for the top boy, the point that chassidim dont have the problem is because chassidim have a diferent criteria of top boy then the litvish oilam.
if u make the boys go younger then it will only help temprorarily cause it will have the top older boys and the top younger boys but in the long run it will have the same problem.
the point at the end of the article that women live longer them men means nothing because it comes from the goiyesh velt, i u take a poll by the yiddishe velt it would probably be the same.
Dear Whatever, What’s with the translation? Do you think condone is a difficult word?
Abi meleibt:
what did you mean when you transalated that anyway? Kol Kvodah Bas Melech Penimah…ok so….that was her point — the torah condones a woman staying in the house! and your saying….??????
Adding to this problem is that in my experience I have seen many more boys go off the derech than girls. The BT’s that take their place aren’t suitable for many FFB families. Why has no one mentioned this fact?
Ashuber, you’re absolutely right. I had wanted to add that after placing my earlier post but didn’t want to hog the blog field. A lot of girls I know are especially considering BT’s because that is the population that makes up a large number of the available single men out there. And though some may not be suitable, I think FFB families are very much willing to overlook the BT aspect as long as they’re stable in Yiddishkeit. I think singles have to look outside the box when the box you’ve been tending to is now empty (or nearly there, anyway).
Great. Now we are telling our daughters don’t marry until your career is set up?
Then they’ll have to read magazines how to juggle career and children.
One more thing, husbands are learning, wives are working and shikse’s are bringing up the next DOR.
PS “promised full support” Why are the rosh yeshiva’s encouaraging to marry for money? Is this our new value system?
Recently we were at a wedding and saw 2 tables of Yeshiva bochurim [black hat etc.] and well away on the other side 2 tables of frum young ladies [you can recognize them a mile away]. My wife who is always trying to make shidduchim and recognized a few from both sides decided to start “working”. She quietly approached the rosh Yeshiva of these fellows [all from one Yeshiva-of the chasan) and asked for “permission” to call out one or two boys into the lobby to meet 1 or 2 girls she knew. “ES PASST NISHT” WAS THE ANSWER!
With Rosh Yeshivos like that and with such amazing attitudes, is it any wonder that there are so many singles?
2) My wife ws hard at work on a shiddush for a girl she knew with a boy recommended. His mother said, ” He needs ten years to learn without working and the girls must be ready to support him for that tijme, because I can contribute very little.” End of story.
How do guys like that have the nerve to write in the kesubah: and I will respect you and support you like the hilchos of Jewish men who respect and support their wives faithfully?” LIARS!!!!
THEY EVEN LEAVE OUT “WITH GD’S HELP” which used to be included in kesobos of years ago.
Woe unto this wacky generation !
YITZY.