Dear YWN Editor,

I read the letter from the father of the girl who was rejected by three seminaries and while I truly appreciate his pain, there is so much that is wrong in the letter and some of the responses, that I decided to respond in the hopes of shedding some light on this issue.

Why is my view any more worthy than anyone else’s? Perhaps it isn’t, but I have somewhat unique experience in this area as a former senior director of two seminaries in Eretz Yisroel for many years, as well as close to ten years working in a well-known BY high school where I’ve advised hundreds of students on seminary and dealt with every major seminary. I’ve been on both sides of the aisle – as well as having sent my own four daughters to seminary (not my own).

A few important things to consider:

1 – Rejection is hard. No two ways about it. I’ve suffered it personally as a young adult and as a parent. I’ve had to beg to get some of my children into yeshivos and BY’s and it really hurts. There’s no nice way to be rejected – they all cause pain. Nothing that I’m writing is intended to ignore the pain of the original letter writer or some of the commenters who’ve clearly suffered similar pain.
2 – Blanket broad stroke statements are rarely insightful or useful. To accuse all seminary heads of being conniving and wicked thieves is an expression of pain, but not an expression of anything that is remotely useful or insightful. Claiming that ALL girls must go to seminary or that seminary is a TOTAL waste of money or that NO ONE can get a shidduch if they don’t attend seminary – all of this is silly talk and not reflective of reality.

Is Seminary mandatory?

Clearly, no one thinks that a girl must go to seminary. The chassidishe world virtually doesn’t send, and many in the litvishe world don’t either. I don’t have current statistics on hand, but in traditional NY and NJ Beis Yaakov’s, a good part of each class does not attend seminary or attends in the US. Out of town BY’s tend to be more encouraging of the seminary trend and there are good reasons for that. Regardless, a good number of students [possibly as high as 15-20% of the litvishe world] do not attend seminary. I’m unaware of any statistics that demonstrate that these students are somehow less capable of marrying, bearing children, or reciting brachos.

If it’s not mandatory, why do BY’s encourage it and why is there so much pressure?

We can either assume it’s because they’re all dimwitted, evil, on-the-take, or they believe that there’s a value to attending seminary that supersedes the cost and application process difficulties. In most cases, it’s the latter. Mechanchim and mechanchos have all witnessed first-hand the benefits a year in EY can do – especially for a student who is interested in growing and not just having a “blast” with her friends. Out-of-town BY students often have very few students like them in their class/school, and attending a seminary in EY with similarly-raised students, can do wonders for them.
Sometimes students simply couldn’t thrive in their familiar environments and the year away is more conducive for internal growth.
It’s not for everyone – and possibly not even for the majority – but it certainly has many benefits.

[MAILBAG ROUNDUP: Seminary Feelings – Batch 1]

How dare seminaries charge $150 application fee?

As someone who has spent thousands of hours processing those many applications, I can state with certainty that NO ONE is getting rich on these fees. In most cases, they don’t even cover the cost of processing the application, flights, the interview, the research and phone calls that are made about each student to determine suitability, and the mailings. Keep in mind that very few seminaries receive more than a few hundred applications [contrary to popular belief!] and even a seminary that receives 300 is not making any money on these.

Are you serious? Do they really only receive 300 applications?

Shhhh. Don’t tell anyone, but that’s the truth in spite of what you’ve been told by an “insider” or a particular seminary claiming to have received 1,000 applications. There are very few exceptions to this and many seminaries don’t even clear 200 applications. The only reason some get this many is because girls are encouraged to apply to 3 seminaries. Otherwise, it would be even less and save most of us a lot of heart and headache.

Why then are they told to apply to three seminaries?

This is because with the popularity of attending seminary these days, principals and advisors are expected to ensure that every student is accepted. It’s much easier to ensure this when they have three to choose from than if they only had one or two. It’s basically an insurance policy to cover their backs.

Why do seminaries reject good girls?

Every single BY is wonderful and some are more wonderful than others. In truth, some are not so terribly wonderful, but have plenty of potential. In my years in the business, we rarely rejected a good girl. By that I mean a student who was academically strong, good middos, well-behaved, well-liked etc. All the qualities you’d want in a daughter-in-law.
We did often reject students who hadn’t tried very hard, placed socializing over academics, lacked well-developed middos, and stepped over the line [smartphones in HS etc.] often. The seminaries I worked for were not set up to help these students and we would have done them a great disservice by accepting them. When exceptions were made, rarely did we have nachas from the student or the student from us.
There are excellent seminaries for these students, but not all are cut out to be, just as not all hospitals are able to address all conditions equally. All are important, but some do it better than others.
It is nonsense however, to think that a truly “good” girl would be summarily rejected by three seminaries without a reason. That goes against all logic and business sense – and remember, the chief complaint against seminaries is that they’re run like businesses. You can’t have it both ways.

[READ MAILBAG ROUNDUP: Seminary Feelings – Batch 2]

Why did the girl in the “letter” receive three rejection letters?

I have no idea, but I have enough experience to tell me that we’re not hearing the full story. It could be that after we hear the rest of the details we’ll be equally outraged. It’s certainly possible. But it’s not likely. I’ve been in this situation too many times to know that very often there’s a reason. It may be:
1 – The teachers advised her poorly and she overshot her target by a lot!
2 – The teachers advised her soundly, but she didn’t pay heed to their warnings that her grades will not allow her entry to the sems of her choice.
3 – The seminaries did research and uncovered something that the parents don’t know or maybe don’t want to know.
4 – A mistake was made.
All are possible. Only one of these scenarios is likely.

But how can seminaries reject good girls?

Did you ever stop to consider that long before the seminaries choose or reject a girl, the girl has done exactly the same thing? She has looked at the long list of seminaries and rejected most of them. Surely for excellent reasons. This one is only for “this type”, whereas the other one is for “the other type.” That one is “very strict,” and that one is “for nebs.” The other one is “too yeshivishe,” and its counterpart is “waay too chonykish”
There’s rejection going on all over the place. Moreover, girls and parents reject not individuals, but entire student populations!
Now that this wonderful Bas Yisroel and her parents are done choosing, we all wonder “how dare the seminaries make their own choices???!!! They are evil and selfish and have no right to do so!!!”
Nu nu.

Seminaries know all too well the dangers of taking everyone who applies. So do girls and parents. In fact, their choices were made along those lines. Can’t seminaries do the same? Can’t they also make some choices to ensure that next year they’re not the ones about whom everyone knowingly shares, “I dunno. They used to be very _____, but lately I’m hearing from my sister’s daughter who has a friend there that they’re not that anymore. They’ve become very ______ instead and students are going to the other place now.”

[READ – Was Posting the Seminary Letter from the Father Lashon HaRah? – By Rabbi Yair Hoffman]

Fine, but be honest, aren’t seminaries run by a bunch of uncaring louts?

Not really. There are definitely some I wouldn’t want to send to. I’ve seen a bit more than I’m comfortable with. But I’ve also incredible devotion, kindness, selflessness, and commitment. I’ve seen principals and mechanchos from seminaries give incredibly of themselves to their students. I’ve seen incredible personal growth from students who’ve benefited from these individuals and the system. All is not perfect – far from it – but there is a lot of good in that system and we are foolish to dismiss it or to chas v’shalom allege much worse.

There is so much more that I can write, but I’ll end with a plea that before folks respond from emotion, they step back and think about what I’ve shared. I truly feel the pain, but that doesn’t excuse some of the responses, nor are they dignified or becoming of a community of our stature. Thank you for reading.

Thank you,
A longtime seminary and BY employee.

NOTE: The views expressed here are those of the authors and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of YWN.

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