On the morning of his bar mitzvah, a student of the Pnei Menachem Cheder was walking in the streets of Yerushalayim with his friends. Happy and excited after davening his first shacharis, he headed to the Cheder on Rechov Rashi. Unfortunately, some mischievous boys were lying in ambush for them, armed with bottles of spoiled milk specially prepared for just such an occasion. As the Bar Mitzvah bachur and his friends passed by, they were liberally doused with the smelly milk by the rowdy bunch of boys who ran away laughing and taunting the poor bachur.

Needless to say, the Bar Mitzvah bachur’s feelings were terribly hurt, and his joy was dashed, but worst of all, his brand-new hat was completely ruined!

Later that day, the Nasi of the Cheder, Rav Shaul Alter shlita, came to join the Bar Mitzvah celebration, and, as usual, addressed the assembled students. However, instead of the typical derashah, he began by asking: “What is even worse than pouring sour milk on someone else?”

“The Gemara in Kesubos (111b) states,” he continued, “‘R. Yochanan said, “One who whitens his teeth (i.e., smiles) for his friend, is better that one who serves him milk.’
“In other words,” said Rav Alter, “treating another person pleasantly, giving him an encouranging word, is much better than simply giving him tzedakah, because the good feelings of the pleasant encounter will touch his heart.”

“The opposite is also true,” continued Rav Alter. “Pouring rotten milk on somebody is very bad, but saying a bad word to him is much, much worse, because the bad feeling affects him much more deeply. Therefore, you must learn how important it is to control yourself, not to get angry, not to lash out, and, most importantly, not to say a bad word to one another.”

Rav Alter related that when he was learning in the legendary Sfas Emes Yeshiva of the Gerrer Chassidim – which he would later head – they would tell a story that about Rabbi Berish Haftka, ztl, a Rosh Yeshiva of the Imrei Emes yeshiva.

Once, during the early years of the Medinah, when materials were scarce, some oil spilled on his new suit and completely destroyed it. Even though he was a young man at the time, he didn’t look to see who spilled the oil, whether it was on purpose or an accident. Instead, he just went about his day. This, said Rav Alter, was a sign of complete self-control.

“This is what it means to be bar mitzvah,” Rav Alter concluded. “The direction that a Yid takes from the day he becomes Bar Mitzvah, to use his ability to control himself and his yetzer, so that he can be pleasant even when it is difficult, not take revenge, not respond to those who injure him, and dedicate his entire being to Hashem’s service and His Torah!”

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