The Toldos Aharon Rebbe has instructed his chassidim that bochurim should not attend the chasunos of their friends in order to minimize bittul Torah.
The Rebbe issued the new takanah during a special talk he held for the bochurim of the yeshivah gedolah of Toldos Aharon, Kikar H’Shabbat reported.
In light of the new takanah, the chassidus decided to resume the activities of the special HaMesamchim chaburah, whose members make special efforts to be mesameiyach the chassan and kallah.
A member of the chassidus, Reb Meir Starik, explained the importance of the takanah: “A similar takanah already exists in a number of Chassidius, such as in the yeshivos of Belz, Gerrer, Sanz, Vizhnitz, Bobov, and Satmar. The minhag is becoming more and more widespread in Eretz Yisrael and even in the US and London.”
Starik added: “Sometimes, the bochurim become a central part of the chasunah at the expense of the family members who sometimes feel that the parents and siblings are a marginal part of the simcha.”
(YWN Israel Desk – Jerusalem)
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30 Responses
Is this gonna happen in litvishe circles as well? I would feel bad. Aren’t the friends of the choson and kallah an integral part of being misameach them. Hard to understand this.
This is very difficult to understand. Perhaps in some circles friends aren’t so important? It’s healthy for a person to have friends. או חברותא או מיתותא
Except for the Rebbes’s chasunas.
No bittul torah there.
Maybe Eretz Yisroel is different than America. I have made a few weddings The bochrim (friends of the chosson) come for simchas chosson vkallah which is usually around 1000 pm. In most yeshivos this is after seder, They stay until around 1130. I don’t see the bitul Torah here. Unless you’re worried about the next day. What I really don’t agree with is the statement of R Meir starik Starik added: “Sometimes, the bochurim become a central part of the chasunah at the expense of the family members who sometimes feel that the parents and siblings are a marginal part of the simcha.” I have gone to hundreds of chasunos I don’t think I ever saw this happen. If anything, if you would ask a parent if they would want bohrim to liven up the wedding they would say yes. Especially in small families or if someone is marrying off the oldest child and the brothers are still to young to liven up the wedding.
chaya13:
I presume the ratio of friends to family is higher at these weddings.
As stated at the end of the article:
Starik added: “Sometimes, the bochurim become a central part of the chasunah at the expense of the family members who sometimes feel that the parents and siblings are a marginal part of the simcha.”
There is no understanding this because it’s absolutely ridiculous, where does he come off taking away a mitzvah, then we wonder why people go off the derech, absolutely no respect for him 😡
Having Bocherim is one of the most important parts of the chasunah, full stop nothing to talk about!!
@circle thank you for pointing out the hypocrisy!!
I can’t understand why the Yeshivah’s are looking for ways to make tougher rules on the Bocherim, when really, in todays situation, we should be happy that they’re at a chasunah instead of Yeshiva
Well, you know what they say, you can’t dance at weddings.
@ah yid In E”Y, the bochurim can literally take over the entire event, almost start to finish. They think they’re the center. Parents/siblings/etc are almost completely left out. They get small circles to the side. I don’t make special efforts to attend my friends’ kids chansunas for this reason.
Circle: Have you checked that out? Ever heard of מוציא שם רע?
Starik added: “Sometimes, the bochurim become a central part of the chasunah at the expense of the family members who sometimes feel that the parents and siblings are a marginal part of the simcha.”
That is Starks opinion, not necessarily the Rebbes. Nobody asked him to add or explain
Many years ago i heard from HaRav Hagoin Rav Tuvia Goldstein Zt”l that al pi halacha one is potur from going to most chasunas. If you will ask: who will be mesameach the Choson and Kallah? THe aswer is that Chaza”l knew that most people will not listen and they will go anyhow to the wedding. But he held like Toldos Ahron Rebbe Shlita that in most cases bitul Torah is Doche going to a wedding. HaRav Chayim Kanievski Zt”l also held that way. ועוד ועוד
Weddings used to breed weddings, but now with:-
1) Totally separated weddings; 2) No-more singles allowed to attend any weddings:-
Is it any wonder that the Shidduch crisis is ballooning into an even more catastrophic crisis?
Why didn’t Toldos Ahron Rebbe instead make Takono to hold all weddings on Friday afternoons & Motzei Schabbos when Yeshivas tend to have very little going on by way of regular learning.
Some people are never happy unless they are out making new takanos and creating chaos. Stop inventing imaginary problems and convincing families that they are being marginalized, and focus on some real problems.
Every single comment here completely misses the point. The Toldos Ahron Rebbe is speaking to his Chassidus. He knows his people and considered all sides of this issue carefully , he’s a responsible Adam Gadol. It took him a long time to come to his decision, and he did not make a rule for anyone other than his own people. He’s thought it through thoroughly
The people here read a news item and immediately pass judgement, firing off cliches left right and center. Do you really think that he didn’t think about any of these things? The callow shallowness is deeply saddening.
@most of the comments,
And then we wonder why moshiach isn’t here
People (especially rebbes) are entitled to their own opinion and people can RESPECTFULLY disagree
I didn’t know YWN has a monopoly on gedolei hador
this is what happens when one’s daas toreh trumps halakha. ki lo machshevosi machshevosaichem should give people pause.
R’ Chaim Epstein zt”l once actually told some of his talmidim that they should miss davening Mincha with a minyan in order to make to their friend’s wedding. He said “What will the chosson feel like if his friends aren’t there?”
This Rebbe is totally out of touch with the chassidim.
Coffee Addict: Unfortunately, people can’t disagree with their Rebbe. What do you think would happen if some boys went to the weddings? They’d probably be kicked out of the community.
DaMoshe:
Your logic is completely untenable
Becuase Rav Chaim Epstein zatzal had one opinion for HIS Talmidim therefore it follows that the Toldos Ahron Renbe is “out of touch” with his Chassidim?!?
Have you spoken with people in the Toldos Ahron community ? Do yiu think the Rebbe actually made such a Takana without being in touch with people in his community ?
Do you actually think he hasn’t weighed the potential backlash and that this hasn’t come after speaking with people in his community extensively ?
The sheer stupidity of such an assumption is staggering.
It’s amazing that adults don’t realize that when you read a few paragraphs on YWN, there might be actually be more information that they don’t have. If you don’t realize that the Toldos Ahron Tebbe have more thought and effort to this Takana than you did before writing your comments, it’s sad.
There is so much more to leading a Kehilla than subscribing to cliches about connecting to youth and unconditional love and acceptance
DaMoshe,
You missed my point
All Rebbes have to be respected and their opinions. If you got a different psak from your Posek you can share it but you should not criticize a different psak or announce your own psak as a layman.
Not sure the שולחן ערוך agrees with this.
הכנסת כלה (which means accompanying the כלה to the חופה) is דוחה many other worthwhile activities.
Yeh. Let’s go back to those driveway/backyard weddings during Covid. They were so inspiring and meaningful. No family, friends, or neighbors. Just a misader kiddushim, 2 aidim, and that’s it. A lichaim with some rugelach and let’s call it a night.
Forget about anything else, but The Bakkorim like the Music
that are 1oo mgB loud , so they still have good ears , but eldery need to go to ar Dr. to ck. their ears if its busted, Let them dance
with the Chassan sepretly or downstairs , and leave anybody alone –
(or Write on Invitations all guest advised to bring
EAR Plugs to chassanus so will protect Ear DRUMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I agree with every word of Maskildoresh. the Rebbe knows what he is doing and it is already a custom in many big kehilos – some of them have this takana already a few decades – and the yungerleit are mesameach, and besides that a lot of chassanim have a forshpil done in the yeshiva where the bochurim get their chance to be mesameiach.
It is not written anywhere in Shulchan Aruch that davka bochurim must be mesameiach. I think that in past times when klal yisroel was more spread out and people got married in many far and different shtetlich most chassanim did not have their friends at their weddings.
Indeed where it is the minhag that friends do attend the wedding then its a mitzva to go.
To all of you bashing, this is nothing new. Neither by Toldos Ahron, or by many other chassidish/litvish kehillos. See this article from 2012 (about toldos ahron), and the comments showing many other kehillos which accepted this exact practice.
https://matzav.com/toldos-aharon-rebbe-bochurim-should-not-attend-chasunos/
Avi Cohen
You write הכנסת כלה (which means accompanying the כלה to the חופה) is דוחה many other worthwhile activities.
Bu the Mishna of אלו דברים which we say every day at the beginning of davening ends off ותלמוד תורה כנגד כולם
There is a long tradition of Rabbonim regulating weddings to limit cost, for example. Hopefully, members of the community are aware of whatever social logic is in the takana and accept it. Takanot are taking root after the kahal accepts it within a year. So, there is room – for those who are in that community – to disagree and not follow it.
It’s very important to have friends at a wedding as that’s who he’s actually close with and he wants his friends there to dance with him on his holy day of getting married. It’s not appropriate to make a chosson have just some rabbis and some friends of his parents and in laws.
ah yid:
See the רמ”א in
אבן העזר, סימן ס”ה, סעיף א
“ומבטלים תלמוד תורה להכנסת כלה”
As for your question about “ותלמוד תורה כנגד כולם”, clearly, that’s not what you think it means. But it’s a good topic for another Post.