I’ve spoken to many parents who’re unaware of how seemingly little things are nevertheless of such strong importance to their children. There are many parents who give their children nosh for school without considering its “trade value”. In particular, some children have popular noshes and this makes them feel good during recess. On the other hand, others have carrot sticks or homemade cookies from parents who insist that their children really love them. In some cases they do, but many children confide to me that their parents refused to listen to their complaints that they don’t want such a type of “nosh”. Those parents instead insist that the children should be happy with such a snack regardless.
If, parents, after becoming aware that their children would prefer a “better” but more costly nosh, were to indeed offer their children such nosh, their children wouldn’t constantly associate nosh with its monetary value. Instead the message they will have learned is that “my parents love me and are doing their best to make me happy”. They need to hear a positive message, and giving them such nosh does indeed convey such a positive message.
Readers may think that I’m cultivating children who’ll have no idea about how much things cost, and the need to spend money wisely, thereby creating a new set of problems. This is true. Parents should teach children the value of money, and that each purchase requires a decision of whether it’s more important than other needed purchases. However, those lessons should be taught in areas that won’t directly affect the children. In that way, the children sees the lesson (the conversation) as an objective one and will not taint it with the parents personal bias.
Parents should also keep in mind that children require lessons of with respect to many varied and different aspects of life. The lesson of teaching the value of money may not be a priority at this time. They must keep in mind that although children in the long run need so many different lessons, they aren’t mature enough to be bombarded with all those lessons at one time. Choices must be made. Some lessons, those deemed more critical, should be chosen over others. They must accept that children may find it difficult – until they can mature enough – to improve in many important areas.
If, when giving a gift or even nosh, parents repeatedly complain about costs and point out how other more important things are being sacrificed for the money being spent on that child, the parents will actually be wasting that money and losing the opportunity to truly reward their child and convey pleasure for something well done. Moreover, the message that the children will have learned is, “My parents are always complaining. They really don’t want to give me gifts since gifts are too costly. They are upset. They only give me things to keep me out of their way.”
Whenever possible give your children things without focusing on or mentioning their dollar value. Say “I think we need to drown our misery with a serious ice cream party. What do you think?” Don’t say, “Should I give you ten dollars to buy something nice, like ice cream?”
What’s even worse than attaching a dollar value to gifts is when parents allow their children to scream and threaten before offering them privileges. If parents give gifts as a result of their children’s bullying, they aren’t really giving them gifts. They’re paying them as blackmailers, empowering them to repeat their bullying every time they want something. Instead, parents should decide in advance, whether they’ll “give in” to their children. If they will, they should do it graciously.
Money has become a key tool for Chinuch because our society focuses on it. It is being used as a reward and as a punishment. I’m very much against this, since it raises money high on the value system above and beyond the position that it deserves. Children then conclude “that everything is about money”. This increases what may already be a distorted view of the importance of money.
This doesn’t mean to imply that our children’s view of money is solely the fault of the parents. Children go to school with all types of gadgets. They wear clothing that proudly announces costs more than others can imagine. Many children come home jealous of specific item that others have purchased. They have a general frustration in that they perceive that others always get whatever they want. Parents should take into account financial peer pressure when choosing a school and neighborhood for their family.
Parents should describe money to their children in a manner that places it in its correct role in this world, while at the same time removing its allure created by friends and neighbors. The parent’s message should be: “Money is important, but so are many other things. Some of us have more of it, others have less. Some have better health, others have more friends”. Money shouldn’t be singled out more than any of the other important things in our lives.
Parents should avoid repeating these lessons about money too often, since repetition emphasizes importance. They should also avoid discussing money as an automatic response to their children’s requests for things. If they do, the children will conclude that the discussion is agenda based and not sincere; that the discussion is meant to save the parents from spending money that they would rather spend elsewhere, rather than addressing the child’s true request for something he/she feels is needed.
I’m not suggesting living a frugal lifestyle. Buying something beautiful because you can afford it is a gift from Hashem. Excessively discussing it beforehand and afterwards gavies a distorted view of priorities. Similarly, I’m not suggesting holding back from children, things that they perceive they truly need. Some children need more creature comforts, others need more attention or hugs, still others need more “toys”. The difficulty is in understanding how much is an actual need and how much is the result of being spoiled. Parents must accept that for some of their children it may truly be necessary for them them to buy certain things in order for those children to be happy.
Parents must also appreciate that money can sometimes be used as a healthy diversion from bad events. It can help when children don’t have enough friends or when they’ve failed a test for which they really studied. In those cases, a minimal amount of money should be spent, (some pizza, but not a $200 gift), and it should hopefully be part of something else such as focusing on the the parent /child relationship. Pizza won’t replace friendship, but it will give children more emotional energy to “hold out” until they acquire more of life’s skills.
Parents should avoid rewarding accomplishments with opportunities for more accomplishments .For instance if one has a son who isn’t interested in learning. The father promises to buy him something great if he learns. When the son completes the required hours to receive his reward, the father should not give him seforim. This is not a reward. It is an unspoken request to do more of something that his son doesn’t want to do.
Parents should intertwine as much as possible personal purchases with a loftier goal. I know of several people who built huge living rooms in their homes with the intention of hosting Simchos for people who couldn’t afford to rent nice Simcha rooms. These rooms are sometimes then even given out to total strangers. Other people have built additional bedrooms and/or Choson/Kallah apartments to host people for Shabbos. In summary, money is necessary aspect of life and it’s very much a Brocho, but only when it’s intertwined with responsibility. Use it well.
Rabbi Shmuel Gluck is director of Areivim, a teen crisis intervention center. R. Gluck’s articles are widely published in the Torah Chinuch world. For previous articles or for speaking engagements you can contact R. Gluck at Areivim: www.areivim.com 845-371-2760 E-mail: [email protected].
(Rabbi Shmuel Gluck – YWN)
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One Response
“I think we need to drown our misery with a serious ice cream party. What do you think?”
I hope that suggestion was a joke! Of all things to teach a child, teaching your kids that food will make you feel better is a recipe for disaster….
(That goes for pizza to make up for friends, etc. too!)