Helping a teenager find his place in life requires more than time, patience and advice. It often requires money, and lots of it. A very frustrating part of Chinuch, both with one’s own children and with other people’s, is realizing that money, which shouldn’t be a factor, is often in too short supply.  In this article I’d like to offer some thoughts on money and how it affects one’s children.

When speaking about money, people usually realistically place it in relationship to other values. They realize that money is far less important than Torah, health and family. Frum people will tell you that a good part of money’s importance is in its ability to help them perform Mitzvos, such as Tzedaka and Chesed. Most of themwill also agree that financial security is more important than overspending on luxuries like exotic vacations. Despite their claims of a realistic perspective, the attitude of many people towards money is to place it higher in their personal value system than they claim.

Although it may not be subconscious, in many home money rises above many other greater causes. People risk, and lose, their relationships with their spouse and children over money. They find themselves never having time to learn Torah. (Weekdays they’re too busy; Shabbos they’re too tired.) While it’s true that most people’s lives aren’t perfectly consistent with their stated values, money presents the greatest gap between people’s stated values and their actual lives.

It’s also interesting to note that money is viewed differently by men and women. Many men think of it as something worth amassing; the more, the better. Money allows men to feel successful and to buy more “toys”. These toys may be hobbies, cars (today, boats and planes are on some peoples list of “must haves”.) or Seforim. Their collection of Seforim along with their beautiful bookcases creates an image of owners who have a strong thirst for Torah.

(My goal is certainly not to discourage spending available money for Seforim. I’m asking the readers to reflect on what their true intentions are. Most people’s intentions are a blend of selfish and self serving. This reflection is intended to confirm for these individuals that, for the most part, their intentions are pure, and that these purchases will indeed lead to an increase in Torah and Mitzvos.)

Women are different. They’re less interested in wealth as much as they’re interested in financial security. I’ve listened to many spousal arguments, which boiled down to the husband’s lack of understanding of his wife’s nervousness. She’s nervous due to the   impending utility shut off notice they received, even though she knows that he’s getting a large check with more than enough money to pay the utility bill on time. The husband continues to focus on his large check and what he’ll do with it, while his wife focuses on not having enough money available now.

Some people love money; others consider it a necessary evil. I believe the correct attitude is to think of money as neither, but as a necessity, that’s not good or bad. The trick is to think of money in a non excessive way, and to give it its proper focus in relationship to other considerations.

As a part of giving money its proper importance, people must assess its value in relation to other things. Most of us would agree that, “we would give all the money in the world to make our children happy”. However, many people find this hard to put into practice. In a similar vein, it’s also common to find people who want to study Torah every night, only to find themselves in their offices too late to do it.

These people defend themselves for these practices until they get much older. Then they admit that, had they been motivated enough, they would’ve been able to delay several appointments to fit their family, or a Chavruso, into their schedules. I know of one extremely wealthy person who leaves his cell phone at work. His priorities are right on target.
Money’s effect on the lives of adults is significant. Its effect on young adults and children is even greater. Children don’t begin their lives with value systems. They adopt them based on the amount of times they hear things being discussed. Children don’t listen to the context of the conversations as much as they pay attention to how often those values are mentioned.

If, they constantly hear about money, they’ll place it very high in their value systems.

In the same vein, if children hear their parents talk about objects, such as cars, jewelry, clothing, and other possessions, they’ll become obsessed with them. It may be cute to listen to a 12 year old describe in detail the type of engine that a car has, but it’s sad for him to have decided, without realizing it, what his priorities in life are. How much can he focus on Torah or even secular studies, if every time a car passes he rattles off 15 of the significant facts that he’s memorized?

Even when money is not glorified, most homes discuss it too much. I’ve heard children of Mechanchim complain about how their parents are always discussing the lack of money, and they’re uncomfortable with these unintended public forums. These repeated, depressing, conversations lead the children to conclude that their parents are unhappy, but are too proud to admit it to themselves and, certainly, to others.

Many of these children react to these conversations by saying that when they get married they won’t dedicate their lives to Torah. Whether or not they will is not the issue, it’s the fact that the decision was the result of multiple conversations which focused on money.

Money also has the ability to make people unrealistic, and not allow them to accept the inevitable. I often speak to parents about the costs of high priced summer camps for children in need of extra attention. The parents, understandably, gasp at these costs. I tell them that, “You’re going to have to spend more money than you have for these children. You can either do it now as a preventive measure by sending them to camp, (which will allow them to be happy), or after the problems become more severe, when you’ll spend $200 dollars an hour (for therapists,) to reverse the unhappiness in their lives.

The message is that some children need more financial support, and this can’t be avoided. For some this means camp, for others this means swimming, guitar or exercise instructions. Many children also need an abundance of “creature comforts” such as nosh or an extra pillow on their bed.

Rabbi Shmuel Gluck is director of Areivim, a teen crisis intervention center. R. Gluck’s articles are widely published in the Torah Chinuch world. For previous articles or for speaking engagements you can contact R. Gluck at Areivim: www.areivim.com 845-371-2760 E-mail: [email protected].

(Rabbi Shmuel Gluck – YWN)