Last week’s article concluded with the thought that readjusting the expectations of children will help lower their frustrations. Lowered frustrations will help keep them focused before planning their reaction. This week’s article continues with tips to help them survive, and thrive, during the 7th and 8th grade years.

The fourth is that many of these children demonstrate poor judgment when bothered by other children. They should be coached to help them consider stepping aside and letting the incidents pass. For many, their self esteem is so poor, that defending themselves seems to be the only logical move. However, contrary to what they’d hoped, their response only succeeds in making them appear to be even more “pickable”. The cycle of being picked on, and responding poorly, continues until the situation becomes unbearable.

They must learn to consider the probable results of defending themselves before reacting. This requires a huge amount of maturity and self control, and may be too much to expect. Sadly, some children’s lives are so complex that they have little choice but to be asked to rise to the challenge. The irony of this is that although the victims often act younger than their physical ages, we ask them to act above their real ages.

I often offer these children the following analogy. People who find bees flying around should avoid trying to hit them unless they’re confident that they’ll kill them in their first try. If they miss, the bees will be angry, increasing their risk of being stung. The situation in a classroom should be similar. Before responding, the children should be confident that their reactions will actually stop the other children from bothering them. If they don’t, like the bees, their classmates will increase their attention to them.

This message is important in more than just the area of classroom fights. The concept that effectiveness is more important than being right, is a valuable lesson for everyone to understand.

The fifth is that even when an effective response becomes necessary, it should be a proportionate one. Children that are called “names” shouldn’t throw things that are sharp and/or heavy, at the name callers. Doing this is not only morally wrong (something about which they may not be too concerned), but it causes the adults to shift their allegiance from the children’s side to the name callers. This causes immense frustration as the victims don’t understand why everyone always “sticks up” for the children who started the fights.

When I explain this to children, I take particular care to first explain why I believe that the name caller is wrong. It often takes longer than I expect to convince the children that I believe that they are the victims. However, until they believe that I understand that they didn’t start the fight, nothing I say will be accepted.

The sixth is that there are many things that children are allowed to do, but shouldn’t, because they won’t be effective. For instance there are many things that people may do, but if they do them, it’ll cause people to look down at them. There are many things that people deserve to have done to them, but they shouldn’t be done to them.

There are some additional messages that I tell to the parents of children:

The first is often the most difficult for parents to follow. Most young children are the product of their parent’s home. The time to reflect on the dynamics of the home in the areas of Sholom Bayis, Chinuch, and the parents and siblings personal behaviors, is when the children are still young. Although it’s true that many successful families have “difficult” children, the first step is to consider whether the household dynamics  affect the children.

Sometimes the home is exceptionally well run, but it still contributes to the children’s problems. For instance, a home in which all the siblings are overachievers will cause multiple problems for the mediocre children. Is the family aware that they’re the cause of the problems? Are the siblings sensitive enough to hide many of the activities that cause those problems?

The second is that when assessing how to respond to their children’s behaviors, parents should assess their children’s receptiveness to their messages. Some children are surprisingly very mature; others much less. Some children can listen to the message but forget it a second later. Sometimes they really forget; other times they’re being manipulative. Before parents have any discussions with their children they must know in which category their children fall. As children grow, parents must reassess their children’s receptiveness.

The third is that parents are going to have to convey many messages that their children will not want to hear. They may have to tell the children that they’re wrong, or despite their being right, they’ll have to accept what happened, or that sometimes the parents are disappointed in them. These messages will have to be done very thoughtfully. Parents must learn how to communicate and master the arts of diplomacy, humor, and effective body language.

The fourth is that parents must also earn their children’s trust and friendship in order for these messages to be accepted. If they don’t, the discussions themselves will become the next episodes requiring damage control.

The fifth is that going to school should be relative to their children’s immediate needs. In general, a day off once in a long while to calm children, is not a bad idea.

The sixth is that parents may have to consider home schooling. Generally this should be done for only a short period of time (e.g. such as until the end of the school year). The purpose would be twofold: to remove the children from the classroom long enough for them to become calmer and have the energy to try again; and to teach them without the challenges of the classroom enough life skills, to give them a greater chance of success in the next attempt in a classroom.

If it’s at all possible one should try partial homeschooling. There are two types of partial home schooling: The children can attend their regular school the entire day, but tutors (mentors disguised as tutors are often a better idea) can take them out of class; or they can stay on school in the morning and home school in the afternoon, or vice versa.

Rabbi Shmuel Gluck is director of Areivim, a teen crisis intervention center. R. Gluck’s articles are widely published in the Torah Chinuch world. For previous articles or for speaking engagements you can contact R. Gluck at Areivim: www.areivim.com 845-371-2760 E-mail: [email protected].

(Rabbi Shmuel Gluck – YWN)