I‘ve recently become very involved in a new junior high school for Yeshiva boys, called Birchas Eliyohu, which has increased my involvement with boys, ages 11 – 13. When I first meet these boys I’m not surprised to find that many of them are very angry from their recent difficult experiences. (Call the Areivim office to find out more about Yeshivas Birchas Eliyohu which is succeeding beyond expectations.)

My first conversations with the boys focus mostly on those events that have made them angry. They describe those events and believe that the events only happened to them. I see those events as a part of “growing up”. They tell me stories of a class bully, the Rebbi, principal, or teacher, who responds without listening to the entire story.

Many people, particularly children, when confronted with an uncomfortable situation often react in a manner that’s makes it worse. They will stop attending class, “shut down”, fight back in an uncontrolled manner, or just become irritating to all of those around them. The only thing they succeed in doing is alienating the people to whom they’re reaching out for help.

I would, therefore, like to dedicate the next few articles to the art of understanding and, then, reacting, to uncomfortable situations. Although this article was motivated by conversations with children, the thoughts are equally applicable to everyone who finds life frustrating and unfair.

I’ve found that the exaggerated frustration levels these young children demonstrate are primarily caused by an unrealistic view of the norm. People become frustrated when things that they believe shouldn’t happen take place and therefore, I’ll begin with some common misconceptions.

The first and most general misconception is that things are expected to “work out”. For young people this refers to their relationship with those around them. For adults this also refers to financial or health situations and other needs. Young people assume that it’s possible to have a room of 22 boys or girls who all behave well. They become frustrated when three of the children treat others, particularly them, unfairly.

The second misconception is that reaching adulthood doesn’t mean that they’ve become mature, caring or have found any of the other positive character traits for which they’ve been looking. Although they may be adults, Rabbeim may also lack maturity. Most Rabbeim were chosen as teachers because of their qualities, and the vast majority of Rabbeim are assets, both to the schools and communities. However, there are some who lack patience and good judgment. Practically speaking, every Rebbi is at one point in his life inexperienced, and hasn’t mastered the art of dealing with 22 children at the same time.

Adults can have their own set of social misconceptions. People should take jobs to support their families, not because they’re enamored by their boss’s personality. People should marry because they like their future spouses, not because they like their spouse’s parents or other relatives.

The third misconception is that children aren’t aware that other children also experience what they experience. However, the other children accept the difficulties that they face. Most people become very frustrated when they believe that they‘ve been singled out by teachers, students, and even Hashem, to suffer. If they would accept the fact that their difficulties, although painful, are typical, and experienced by others, they would handle things better.

The fourth misconception is that the children are unaware or unwilling to acknowledge that they probably contributed to the problem. This doesn’t mean that it was their fault. (If you suggest to them that they’re to blame, you may as well stop trying to help.) It means that they may have done something that motivated, and then enabled, the other persons to treat them unfairly.

For instance, they may have made a huge scene when someone “made fun” of them. When they make a scene they offer wonderful entertainment to their classmates. This is especially valuable when it happens during class time. Are the victims wrong? Not in the least, but somehow they did motivate the “other persons” to repeat the abuses.

These misconceptions heighten the unfairness of their situations and blind them. Although they’re unable to think logically, they‘re eager to take advantage of the opportunity to speak with me. However, within minutes they become agitated, and before I know it, their faces become contorted, their fists clenched, and their voices raised.

Readjusting their expectations can help lower their frustrations. Lowered frustrations will help them remain focused. Below are some of the most common reactions that hurt children.

The first thing I tell them is that, if they want my help, they should not alienate me, but make me feel good, as I help them. Although I know they aren’t shouting at me, I need to believe that our conversations won’t end up with their being more angry than when we began, that if I come up with a plan  they’ll be willing to listen, and that in some manner I can make a difference. However, if by listening to them I‘ll fuel a full blown flashback, then I’m not helping them and I certainly am not going to enjoy the conversation.

The second thing that I tell them is that they must become practical. When one looks at life on a day by day basis, life isn’t fair. Things usually even out but sometimes it takes a long time. I once told this to a boy who didn’t believe me. He did believe me when the boys who had been bothering him were thrown out of school and ended up on my doorstep.

I frequently have to remind children, that “a long time” is often more than a few months, and that they may have to wait for adulthood before truly appreciating my words. Once they see that those misbehaving classmates actually receive punishment, it becomes easier for them to accept the fact that although a bully may rate high in the sixth grade, twenty years later, without changing, s/he’ll rate poorly in the neighborhood Shul. Nice children who don’t fight back may rate poorly in class, but as adults those willing to be peacemakers will be appreciated in the same Shul.

The third thing I tell them is that if certain people (children or adults) are constantly being picked on, then there’s something that makes them “pickable”. As I mentioned earlier, being pickable doesn’t mean that they’re to blame. Being aware that some of their actions make them pickable should help them realize that they’ve more control of their lives than they thought.

(To Be Continued)

Rabbi Shmuel Gluck is director of Areivim, a teen crisis intervention center. R. Gluck’s articles are widely published in the Torah Chinuch world. For previous articles or for speaking engagements you can contact R. Gluck at Areivim: www.areivim.com 845-371-2760 E-mail: [email protected].

(Rabbi Shmuel Gluck – YWN)