I have found that writing letters is often an important tool in conveying heartfelt messages. I usually reserve it for people who’ve strong defense mechanisms, those constantly defending themselves, their views, and their actions. In many cases they don’t express themselves to others and are loners. When one speaks to them with the slightest amount of  criticism, their muscles tighten, they interrupt or walk away, and they’re unwilling to actually consider what’s being said to them. As many parents will attest, children will walk away, or interrupt in anger, not giving parents the opportunity to convey any thoughts that may heal the situation.

(Although this article focuses on letter writing, its message is important in any attempt to communicate with an angry, inexpressive, person.The word “parents” can be exchanged for any recipient of the letter, such as a spouse or friend.)

A letter offers the advantages of “speaking” to those children who’re otherwise distanced from their parents. In addition, many of the typical disadvantages of intense conversations are avoided when writing letters, including the absence of a “real” person to defend against. This may increase their receptiveness. A second advantage is the “curiosity factor”. The children will read the letter, and they’ll most probably read it twice.

Letters work because the nature of people is to immediately reject spoken suggestions that make them uncomfortable. Without having someone to reject, there’s a greater chance that an acceptance process will begin. A letter increases the chances that the reader will absorb the message offered, even if only minimally, and even if only later in life.

I’m not suggesting that parents send daily notes to their children. Letter writing is something that should be used sparingly. It should be used only when the potential recipients (children) have reached a level of maturity that they’re aware of being unhappy and need to change. Despite this awareness, they’re still “stuck” in a place from which they’re unable to acknowledge those needs, and certainly unable to take the first step out. The letter serves best when it’s intended to expand a slightly “open window”. Written prematurely, it’ll be a wasted opportunity (and possibly increase any conflict). Written too late, the letter becomes unnecessary, as direct discussion will achieve the same goals.

However, letters have one significant drawback. The writers can’t retract whatever they’ve written. A flawed letter, may haunt the writers forever. Spoken words can be forgiven, and may even be forgotten, but a letter is seared into the memory and, therefore, into the relationship between writer and reader.

Before the parents write a letter to their children, they must have the proper attitude. They must be willing to strip themselves of any self respect. They’ll have to say things that, until now, their pride would not have let them. (Children tell me that pride is one of the most frustrating parts of dealing with parents.)

I strongly suggest that parents get a different perspective on the family dynamics from their other, more balanced, children. Parents are often shocked when they hear them say: “Sure, the other children are right for being angry. We didn’t let it bother us, but we also believe that you should have done better.”

The letter must show the children that the parents understand. It will never succeed if the parents don’t really understand. Talking to the other children, as painful as it may be, will help the parents write a more effective letter.

The Letter:
1) The first step is to consider who should write the letter: Should the letter come from only one of the parents and, if so, which one, or should it come from both? Consideration should be given with which of the parents the children are more comfortable. This isn’t a time to “force” them to do anything uncomfortable. If they avoid one parent more than the other, the other should write the letter.

2) Consideration should also be given as to which parent will be able to “hold up”  better with any subsequent conversation. The letter is easier than the conversation, in the sense that it’s been given time and thought. The conversation may be spontaneous and require the ability to respond calmly and effectively.

3) When writing a letter, even simple words must be weighed for any subtle meaning, because the words of a letter can be stared at and reread. Each word should be thought through, for all possible interpretations. Remember that the letter is being sent to children who, most probably, are looking for a way to criticize both the message and the writer.

For instance, don’t use the word “frustrated” to describe your reaction, when you really became explosive. The children will resent your downplaying what they had to experience. Don’t use “angry” when “frustrated” is more appropriate, as anger may increase the rift between the parents and children.

4) When writing a letter it’s important to understand what the recipients (children) may be  thinking, and what’s causing their resentment. Only after that’s understood will the letter achieve its goal of shattering the recipients preconceived thoughts. The primary goal of the letter is to allow the recipients to know that what they’re thinking isn’t necessarily true. Children believe that their parents don’t understand what they’re thinking. Not understanding is different from not agreeing. It means that children believe that their parents consider them spoiled, selfish, immature, etc., and not as they perceive themselves to be, hurt, ignored, etc. The letter must say things that let them believe that the parents are beginning to “get it”.

5) When forming the letter’s message, perception is more important than reality. If the children believe that they were mistreated, they must hear an acknowledgment of those beliefs from the parents. The parents don’t actually have to admit that they mistreated them. However, they must at least write: “We now realize that you believe  that we paid more attention to your siblings than to you. We’re sorry that you feel that way. Whether or not we made mistakes, the way you’re feeling about us, is itself a reason to believe that we did.” (Since the amount of time given to each child should be based on how much time each needs.)

Keep in mind that the children may believe that the parents are to blame for something that  they did when the children were younger, and at that time the children were happy with what their parents did. They may have constantly told the parents that they were okay and didn’t need attention. However, as they became older they became resentful, and complained that they weren’t given enough time. In hindsight, It’ll become evident that they were subconsciously  playing the martyr.

Now isn’t the time for the parents to debate with the children; now is the time to rebuild the relationship, to convey to them that they understand what they’re experiencing. Now is the time for empathy and that’s something which can’t be rushed. Only with mutual understanding can the relationship grow so that they once again feel comfortable with their parents and/or family.

to be continued….

Rabbi Shmuel Gluck is director of Areivim, a teen crisis intervention center. R. Gluck’s articles are widely published in the Torah Chinuch world. For previous articles or for speaking engagements you can contact R. Gluck at Areivim: www.areivim.com 845-371-2760 E-mail: [email protected].

(Rabbi Shmuel Gluck – YWN)