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A Milestone Publication

The publication of Israel Bookshop’s With Cords of Love: Reaching the Struggling Teen represents a milestone event for the frum community.

Numerous articles, blog posts, letters to the editor, and even books have been printed discussing, debating, and offering opinions about the painful subject of disenchanted teenagers, or ‘kids-at- risk.’ However, this is the first time ever that a definitive and comprehensive treatment of this timely subject according to da’as Torah has ever been presented. The Chazon Ish zt”l would say that the only way to coax wayward Jews back to Hashem is through avosos ha’ahavah, cords of love. This book masterfully expounds on this approach.

A Labor of Love

With Cords of Love is based on the teachings, insights, and guidance culled from conversations with Rav Mattisyahu Salomon shlit”a, Mashgiach of Beth Medrash Govoha. In addition to his Torah perspective, Rav Salomon has had much hands-on experience in helping countless parents – and teens themselves – with this delicate area of chinuch. Despite his frail health, the Mashgiach placed great emphasis on the importance of publishing this guide, and exerted considerable effort ensuring that the project was completed. Several years in the making, this book was painstakingly worked through by Rabbi Ezriel Tauber, a close confidant of Rav Salomon, who was charged with taking the raw material and rendering it into book format. As Rabbi Tauber writes in the Foreword:

“The material presented is based on real-life situations in which I was personally involved with parents and children facing this nisayon. Time and again I turned to the Mashgiach for guidance, and witnessed firsthand how it is possible to succeed in helping both these children and their parents without compromising even an iota on any Torah values, no matter how far the children had fallen or what circumstances led them to stray.”

Indeed, HaRav Shmuel Kamenetsky, as well as his son HaRav Sholom, who know the author and his mesiras nefesh on behalf of struggling teens, read With Cords of Love and expressed their strong approval.

It should be noted that the Mashgiach carefully scrutinized the book from beginning to end before giving it his enthusiastic approval. As the Mashgiach exclaimed while reviewing and re-reviewing the material numerous times, “I read it with three sets of eyes: those of the parents that will seek guidance from it, those of the children of whom it speaks, and those of the greater public!”

A Broad Chinuch Perspective

The modest sub-title of the book “Reaching the Struggling Teen” does not really do justice to the full scope of this work. Much more than a practical “how-to” guide, this work is a treasure trove of Torah wisdom and chinuch advice for all parents and all children; perspectives and guidance for parents enduring challenges; a broad understanding of the Torah’s approach of unconditional love, especially as it applies to struggling teens; and advice for dealing with the struggling teen’s impact on his or her siblings. The final section is a beautiful exposition on the Tomer Devorah’s classic work on the Thirteen Attributes of Hashem’s mercy, elaborating on how parents can emulate these middos specifically in the context of dealing with a wayward child, based on the Mashgiach’s published commentary on the sefer.

Unconditional Love

As the title of the book suggests, the core of its approach is the practice of unconditional love. It is axiomatic that the only way to reach a struggling teen, who is invariably in pain, is through nurturing a genuine, deep-seated love for the child, and communicating that love in abundance. However, this is not a ploy or a Dale Carnegie tactic to ‘win over’ the child. Rather, it reflects a truism that the only way one can feel the child’s pain and truly help him is if his efforts are borne out of love, and only if the child senses this love. The Mashgiach illustrated this point so powerfully with a lesson in chinuch that he was privileged to witness firsthand when learning in Kfar Chassidim by his legendary rebbi, the Mashgiach Rav Elya Lopian zt”l.

A bachur in yeshivah wanted to avoid being caught by the mashgiach coming late to davening, so he snuck into the bais hamedrash through a window. When Rav Elya confronted him, he tried to evade the question, but eventually had to admit what he had done.

Rav Elya began to seethe. “Climbing through a window!” he exclaimed. “That’s deceitful. You can grow up to be a crooked person. You should know,” he added, “that if I would know that you know how much I love you, I would slap you right now!”

Rav Mattisyahu says he learned a great lesson from this story: You can’t slap a child until he knows how much you love him. A slap alone accomplishes absolutely nothing.

A Balanced Approach

Perhaps the most important component of this work is the clearly defined parameters that are carefully outlined for those dealing with this delicate situation: when to look away, when to gently draw lines, and how to simultaneously convey love while setting limitations. As the Mashgiach emphasizes, the rule of thumb is that following the path that conforms to halachah and hashkafah will achieve successful results while avoiding transgression.

Engaging and Fascinating

Despite the gravity of its content, With Cords of Love is written in a refreshing and engaging manner. The book is full of enlightening stories of gedolim, parables, and insights in Aggada. It’s a unique synthesis of practical guidance, mussar, hashkafah, and a great read.

It is the fervent hope of this writer that this book will serve its intended purpose and bring about k’vod Shamayim, as well as opening the way back for the precious neshamos it is meant to reach.