[Written by Rabbi Moishe Lebovits]

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There are many halachic issues that pertain to the mitzvah of being menachem avel. Who begins to talk first? What should one talk to the avel about? When should one come to be menachem avel? Why are the mirrors covered in an avel’s home? May an item be removed from the avel’s home? In this issue, we will discuss the halachos and customs of an avel’s home.

Learning Hilchos Aveilus

Many people are hesitant to learn Maseches Moed Kattan because it talks about inyanei aveilus, and they are concerned that this might create an ayin hara that would result in some harmful event R”l. The Sefer Chassidim[1] comments that before learning this masechta one should daven to Hashem that nothing bad will happen to him. He maintains that Maseches Moed Kattan is a meis mitzvah since some people don’t learn it for fear that something bad will happen, so if one wishes to learn it he is doing a great mitzvah. The Knesses Hagedolah[2] says that there is only a concern if one learns it with a group of people, but learning alone is permitted. This masechta is included in the Daf Yomi cycle so it would seem that one may learn it. Furthermore, most Rishonim have a pirush on this masechta.[3] When one learns this masechta he should not delve into it as deeply as he does with other masechtos, but he should learn it quickly.[4]

Even if one would avoid learning hilchos aveilus,[5] there is no need to abstain from learning hilchos menachem avel, since they pertain to one coming to console the aveilim. If one did not learn these halachos then he would not know what to do.[6]

The Mitzvah

There is a big mitzvah[7] to console someone who lost a relative.[8] The pasuk[9] says that it is better to go to a beis avel than to go to a party. We see that Hashem consoled Yitzchak after Avraham Avinu was niftar.[10]
Hashem did so to Yaakov after he lost Yitzchak as well.[11] Therefore, even a great person should go be menachem avel a person of lower stature.[12] (An avel does not have to rise in respect for anyone of great stature[13] because he is immersed in his pain.)[14]

There is a discussion in the poskim if this is included in the mitzvah of doing kindness mid’Oraisa[15] or mid’Rabbanan.[16] Some say that one should train a child to go be menachem avel as well, although the custom seems to be lenient.[17]

The Main Focus of the Mitzvah

When one is menachem avel, he should realize that the main focus is to console the mourners from their pain.[18] Some say it is a tikkun to the deceased by coming to be menachem avel,[19] since the davening there brings a pleasant feeling for the deceased.[20] The customary phrase is “HaMakom[21] yenachem eschem besoch sha’ar aveili Tzion v’Yerushalayim.”[22] Some say that the nusach of eschem (lashon rabim) is said even when being menachem one avel.[23] Some say that the aveilim answer amen after the brachah.[24]

Some explain the nusach as follows: When one consoles an avel, he does not know if it will be effective. However, we know that Hashem always takes care of the good of the tzibbur, and any nechamah which includes the tzibbur will be accepted. Therefore, we add Yerushalayim to the nechamah, which is a consolation for the tzibbur.[25]

Although one can be yotzei the mitzvah with this one phrase, it is better to actually engage the mourner in conversation and ease his pain (see below).[26]

Nichum Aveilim or Bikur Cholim?

Nichum aveilim is kindness for both the living and the one who was niftar.[27] Therefore, the mitzvah of nichum aveilim has precedence over the mitzvah of bikur cholim.[28][EMS1]

Where to Sit – Where to Visit the Aveilim

Some say that the aveilim should sit where the niftar died,[29] while others argue that this is only important when there is no avel, and a group davens in the niftar’s home out of honor for the niftar. However, if aveilim are sitting shivah, that itself is an honor for the niftar. Therefore, the custom is that the aveilim sit wherever they find it convenient. They may even sit in different homes.[30] However, most maintain that the aveilim should sit where the niftar lived.

Sitting or Standing

According to the letter of the law, the ones who come to console the mourners should sit on the floor (if the mourners are sitting on the floor).[31] One must feel the pain of the mourners,[32] and this cannot be accomplished while standing.[33] However, mourners do not sit on the floor today,[34] so they are mochel and allow the visitors to sit on a chair.[35]

Some say that one should sit when being menachem avel.[36] Others are lenient and allow standing,[37] particularly if there is no room to sit.[38] Some say that the phrase of haMakom need not be said while sitting.[39]

Whom to Be Menachem

One should not be menachem if he is not on good terms with the mourner, since it will cause additional pain.[40]

A man may comfort a woman and vice versa.[41] When visiting a woman, one should be careful to avoid any questions of yichud.[42] Some say he should stand outside of the room and say the nusach[43] to the woman.[44]

It is preferable that men and women who are mourning the loss of a relative should not sit in the same room since there will be a lack of tznius when people come to be menachem avel.[45]

Some say that there is a mitzvah for the aveilim to be menachem each other as well.[46]

One should console a non-Jew who lost a relative if avoiding it would result in friction.[47]

On the Telephone / Letter

A phone call can console the mourner, but will not create a pleasant experience for the deceased.[48] Therefore, it is best to visit in person. If it is not possible, one may communicate by telephone[49] letter,[50] or fax.[51]

Talking to the Mourner

When going to be menachem avel, the mourner has to start the conversation before one talks to him.[52] Some explain that one is supposed to say that Hashem’s judgment was fair, and the avel is supposed to say it first.[53] Others say that it is the mourner’s way of showing that he is ready to be consoled.[54] One can say, “Hashem should console you,” before the mourners begin to talk.[55] Some permit the visitors to initiate the conversation if the mourner signals that he is ready to talk.[56]

In addition, asking about the deceased’s life and manners is permitted even before the mourners begin talking.[57] An avel who took the phone to speak with someone is considered as if the avel began talking.[58]

Many people ignore this rule. Some explain that in times past, some mourners did not talk at all,[59] so it was necessary to wait for him to initiate the conversation. Today the mourners talk, so one may begin talking even if the mourner is quiet.[60] Others say that as long as the mourner began to talk to someone in the beginning of the day, anyone who comes afterwards can begin talking before the mourner starts talking to him.[61]

If the mourner does not begin talking one is allowed to open his remarks before the mourner does.[62] Furthermore, it can happen that the mourner does not know he is supposed to start, in which case the visitors may initiate the conversation.[63] Finally, some say that if one merely says, “haMakom etc.” it is not considered talking.[64]

What to Discuss with the Mourners

As mentioned above, many people who come to be menachem avel simply say “haMakom etc.” It is questionable whether this satisfies the purpose of nichum aveilim; however, many feel this is sufficient.[65] There are many proofs from the Gemara[66] and other sefarim[67] that the main goal is to say words of nechamah (words which console the mourner).[68] For example, one should talk about the kindness and goodness of the deceased.[69] Some say that one should mention that the niftar merited being near the tzaddikim.[70]

One may not tell the mourners, “What can we do,” or, “You can deal with it.”[71] Use your intelligence when talking to mourners.[72] It is worthwhile to prepare your words before you go to be menachem avel.

Sometimes, the very fact that someone came to the mourner’s home is a nechamah for the mourner, since it shows honor for the mourner.[73] In such situations, one has fulfilled the mitzvah of nichum aveilim without saying a word.[74] Nonetheless, the main point of nichum aveilim is that one should strive to say words of nechamah to the avel, and a small part of the mitzvah is fulfilled by just saying “haMakom.”[75] Some maintain that irrelevant topics such as politics should be avoided, since they do not help console the mourner.[76] If these discussions relieve the pain of the mourner, they are permitted.[77]

Those who come to daven at the beis avel, then say “haMakom,” and leave right away, have lost the main focus of nichum aveilim.[78]

Saying Shalom to an Avel

An avel should not be greeted with shalom or shalom aleichem,[79] and he should not greet others in this fashion.[80] The reason is that the avel is not at peace with himself.[81] The people who are menachem avel should not greet each other with shalom either.[82]

Saying Hello / Good Morning / Good Evening / Mazel Tov

There are some who permit saying hello, good morning[83] or good evening to an avel. According to them, this is not like saying shalom, while others disagree.[84] One may say mazel tov to a mourner.[85]

Being Menachem Many Mourners

One can be menachem many mourners who are sitting in one house, and there is no need to be menachem each one separately.[86] In addition, the accepted nusach of “haMakom” can be said to many aveilim at one time.[87]

Coming More Than Once

Some say that there is no need to visit the avel more than once,[88] while others say that one should go all seven days of the shivah to be menachem avel.[89] The accepted custom is to go once, but if one has other words of nechamah which would console mourners then there is a mitzvah to visit again.[90]

Chassan / Kallah

Some say that a chassan and kallah should not be menachem avel during the days of sheva brachos, even if the mourner is a relative.[91] Others permit this from the second day of sheva brachos and on.[92]

Many at One Time

Some say that it is better for a large group of people to come at one time than one at a time, since it brings more nechamah to the mourners.[93]

When to Leave

In the days of the Gemara,[94] the avel would nod his head to indicate that he wanted the visitors to leave.[95] This is not practiced today. Instead, one should be sensitive to the avel’s nonverbal cues, and understand when it is time to leave.[96] This is also comforting to the mourners, since they can be alone when they want privacy.[97]

When to Be Menachem Avel

First Three Days

The first three days[98] of mourning[99] are set aside for crying.[100] Therefore, some say that one should not be menachem avel during that time, since the face of the niftar is still fresh in the mourner’s mind and he will not be consoled.[101] Others explain that a visit might cause the avel to feel an obligation to talk, even if he is not up to it.[102] However, if one is going just to say “haMakom” it is permitted.[103] Those who daven at the beis avel may certainly do so during the first three days.[104] If one will not be able to visit later in the week, then he may go during the first three days.[105]

Some prove this rule from the fact that the shevatim came to be menachem avel Yaakov after many days.[106] Since “days” means two, “many days” means three. However, others dispute this proof.[107]

Others say that one should certainly visit during the first three days since the mourners are often sitting alone and it is a great mitzvah to console them at this time.[108] Harav Yaakov Kamenetsky zt”l said that custom in Lita was to be menachem avel during the first three days.[109] This is the custom of many other gedolim as well.[110]

At Night

There is no reason to refrain from going to be menachem avel at night.[111] However, it goes beyond saying that one should not visit too late at night.[112]

Shabbos / Yom Tov

According to the letter of the law, nichum aveilim is permitted on Shabbos.[113] Nevertheless, the custom among Ashkenazim is to refrain from visiting.[114] The custom is not to be menachem avel on Yom Tov.[115] Nonetheless, if one knows that his visit will give comfort to the mourner, then it is a mitzvah to be menachem avel on Shabbos and Yom Tov.[116]

Chol Hamoed

Some have the custom to be menachem avel on Chol Hamoed.[117]

Tishah B’Av

One should not be menachem avel until after chatzos on Tishah B’Av. It is permitted to say “haMakom” even before chatzos.[118]

Some Customs at a Beis Avel

Covering Mirrors

The custom is to cover the mirrors in a beis avel[119] even if the niftar did not die there.[120] There are a number of details regarding this custom, as discussed below.

Many reasons are given for this custom.[121] Some say that looking in a mirror causes joy, and this is not a time for joy.[122] During the mourning period, one should be concentrating on the end of life and not on his appearance. Therefore, the mirrors are covered.[123]

Others offer a different reason: It is prohibited to daven opposite a mirror,[124] as it is difficult to concentrate, and it looks like one is bowing to his reflection.[125] Since davening takes place in the mourner’s home, the custom is to cover the mirrors.[126]

The rule used to be that the beds should be turned over. This indicated that the man must separate from his wife while he is an avel. Today, we cover the mirrors instead. Logically, it should be necessary to turn over the mirrors, and covering them would not suffice. Nonetheless, the custom is to cover them.[127]

There is no need to cover the mirrors on Shabbos.[128]

The mirrors in a breakfront do not have to be covered.[129] There is no need to cover the mirrors in a room that the avel will not be using.[130]

It is questionable whether a mourner has to cover the mirrors in his own home if he is not sitting shivah there.[131]

Taking from a Beis Avel

Many have the custom not to remove anything from a beis avel until after the shivah, because of the ruach ra’ah that is present.[132] Even items borrowed by the avel, like sefarim, remain until after shivah.[133] Some say that there is no issur involved in removing food,[134] while others say that the whole concern is taking from the room where the niftar died.[135] Others only prohibit actually taking the food from the hands of the mourners,[136] but anything that is not taken from their hands is permitted.[137] Furthermore, some say if it is something which is not meant for the avel to use one should not take it, but if it is money or something else which is meant to take out it is permitted.[138] For example, food which is made for others to have enjoyment from is not a problem of removing from a beis avel.[139] Even according to the stringent view, one who lives in the home may remove food.[140] Some say that this custom has no basis whatsoever, and there are no restrictions at all.[141]

The Steipler zt”l refused to use a chair which was taken out of a beis avel, even though it was brought out for him to rest on the landing.[142]

There is a custom to give cake and shnapps after Shacharis in a beis avel. One may partake of these refreshments even if he holds of the strict opinion.[143]

If there is so much food that people brought to the home and it will be thrown out one may partake in the food.[144]

If one’s father is sitting shivah and one’s mother has food in the freezer for Shabbos and wishes to give it to her son or daughter and their family for Shabbos the food may be taken out of the home.

L’ma’aseh, one need not be makpid on this, but he may if he wishes to.[145]

Covering Pictures

Some have the custom to cover pictures in the shivah home.[146]

Offering a Hand to an Avel

Some say that one should not offer his hand to an avel or to someone else at a beis avel because of loeg l’rosh (making the avel jealous that he cannot be so friendly since he cannot say shalom).[147] Others only restrict this to the avel, but permit a handshake with other visitors. Still others permit even shaking the hand of an avel and saying shalom.[148] However, the custom in any case is to be stringent.[149]

Giving Tzedakah

It is customary to give tzedakah at a beis avel in memory of the niftar.[150] This is true even if the house where the aveilim are sitting is not the house where the niftar died.[151]

Bringing Food to a Beis Avel

During the shivah many people bring food to the beis avel. Is this practice permitted?

Harav Moshe Feinstein zt”l[152] permits this since it is a way of showing comfort to the aveilim.