By Rabbi Yair Hoffman for the Five Towns Jewish Times
They live among us and are relatively invisible.
They have children who have no one to take them to shul.
They have no one to take them to father & son learning programs. Rarely do they get a Shabbos meal invitation. Their social lives are awkward at best.
They bear an almost unbearable burden. Most are financially insecure and have their hands full just making it through the week. Often they experience such legal strains and financial stress that the strongest among us would buckle under the pressure.
Who are they? They are the divorced women who live in our communities – a group whose numbers are growing dramatically.
THE HALACHA
What does halacha say about these women and their plight? The psukim in the Torah tell us about orphans, widows and converts. But what about the growing number of divorcees? And if, in fact, the answer is that we should devote more resources to this invisible group.
A few years ago, one such woman approached a number of Gedolim in Eretz Yisroel about the plight of divorcees an obtained a remarkable letter. Because there was a slight factual miscommunication in the recipient of the letter – it was never published – until now. The three Gedolim? Rav Aron Leib Shteinman Shlita, Rav Chaim Kanievsky Shlita, and l’havdil – Rav Michel Yehuda Lefkowitz zt”l. The letter is translated below:
To the Honorable Organization..
We have heard of the remarkable acts of chessed that you do with widows, rachmana litzlan, in a most befitting manner. Now you approach with a question in regard to divorced women:
Do they have the same a similar halachic status in regard to Tzedaka and in the manner in which to deal with them on an equal basis?
Our opinion is that the circumstances and situations are equal in their importance.
May the Holy One Blessed Be He enable you to continue in your blessed handiwork.
One who signs with wishes of blessing,
[Rav] Michel Yehudah Lefkowitz, Bnei Brak 5769 [zt”l]
We too join with what has been mentioned above,
[Rav] A.L. Shteinman
[Rav] Chaim Kanievsky
A FAMOUS PASUK WHOSE MEANING FEW UNDERSTAND
There is a pretty famous verse in the Torah whose true meaning has eluded the vast majority of people – Zeh Kaili v’Anveihu. Most people only understand it to mean that when it comes to items involving a Mitzvah, we should spend to buy the fancier and better one.
We see from the Gemorah in (Shabbos 133b) an entirely different explanation of it. Rav Yitzchok Isaac Sherr zatzal explains (Leket Sichos Mussar p.76) that the pasuk of “Zeh Kaili v’Anveihu” teaches us the obligation of feeling and understanding that the performance of Chessed brings us closer to Hashem.
This is on account of the Gemorah’s understanding of the word “Anvehu” to mean “Ani v’hu – I and Him.” The meaning of this Pasuk is therefore, “This is my G-d, and I shall bind myself to Him. I know that I can accomplish this binding through the notion of performing acts of Chessed.” The consequences of this particular Pasuk are an obligation of thought: It is something that we must think – Chessed binds us to Hashem – Ani VeHu.
The existence of this group of people then, provides us with an opportunity similar to that of a shul. What is one of the main purposes of davening? It is to form a close bond with Hashem. Chessed does the same thing, and according to this Gemorah in Shabbos – it is a halachic obligation of thought to realize this.
MAKE THEM FEEL AS A PERSON AND NOT CHESSED
One very important point that we must have in mind is that it is the greatest chessed for chessed not to be done as if it is chessed. All people have what to contribute, in conversation and in social activity. Our obligation is to realize that everyone is created B’Tzelem Elokim in the image of Hashem and that there is depth to who they are as people. Their social contribution, their thoughts and opinions matter and they are enjoyable company.
There was a famous bakery owner in Williamsburg. Mr. Gelb, who not only gave needy people Challah and cake for Shabbos and Yom Tov, but also gave them change so that their self-esteem would remain intact. An even higher level that can sometimes be achieved is to actually render any assistance in such a manner that even we do not detect or perceive it as chessed per se.
PRACTICAL STEPS
So, practically, what does this mean? We can help in two ways. Boruch Hashem, some people have created an excellent organization called, “Sister to Sister.” This organization is a remarkable way in which one can lend assistance to this invisible group.
A second way, however, is to seek out members of this invisible group and actively help them. Boruch Hashem, some of these divorcees have an ex that cares enough about his children to provide for them even more than the court-mandated child support. Others often get a pittance and some not even at all.
MEN TOO
We must also not forget that divorced men, as well, need to be welcomed in our homes and need emotional support and assistance. Often men are perceived as the evil ones when, in fact, they too have suffered enormously. Whatever happened in a marriage is not our concern. Ahavas Yiroel and Chessed must be applied to all parties – these Mitzvos are gender neutral.
TZNIUS
When helping them, it should, of course, be done in the most tznius manner as possible, and with the contributions of both the husband and wife. There are many ways to do this. It should also be done in a manner where they do not feel that you are doing it as a chessed.
• Learn with the child
• Notice kids in shul
• Offer to take the children out with yours on an outing
• Help keep up with the homework
• Shabbos invitations – realize that often their families cannot take them back
• Extend invitations earlier rather than later
• Occasional financial help or a gift
• Offer to babysit once a month
• Ask if they need anything at Costco
• Offer to build them a Sukkah – or to use yours
• Ask in general, “Is there anything specific I can do for you?”
• Just call to say hello
• Share your husband’s flowers with her
• Get to know their favorite food items and that of their children
• Suggest shidduchim when possible and appropriate
• Suggest shidduchim for their children
• Help them deal with fixing the house
• Help them deal with fixing their car
• Help them deal with the IRS
• Help them in general negotiations
• Help them ensure that their kids have friends
• Sheitels – look out for a new one for them.
• Avoid avoiding them
• Don’t be judgmental
• Don’t stigmatize
• Don’t say things in a pitying way
• Be sensitive to call them back
• Avoid saying insensitive things or asking insensitive questions
LOVING CHESSED
The posuk in Micha (6:8) states, “..What does Hashem require of you? Merely to do justice and love Chessed..” The idea is that we must foster and develop a love of Chessed. Rav Sherr explains that there are three elements to this love:
1] To love doing acts of Chessed ourselves.
2] To love and appreciate a situation where Chessed is being performed by others – either for another or for others.
3] To love the existence of opportunities for Chessed in the world.
The Chofetz Chaim writes (Ahavas Chessed 2:1) that not only must one love Chessed but one must stick to this character trait and always go beyond the measure of what is required. He give the analogy of a parent. A loving parent gives more food and clothing than the child requires, so too must we do likewise in sticking to the Midah of Chessed.
CONCLUSION
The dramatic rise in divorces provides us all with an unprecedented opportunity for chessed. These opportunities should be done, when possible, with the utmost consideration and thought for their self-esteem and self-perception. These are the sons and daughters of Avrohom Avinu, Yitzchok Avinu, and Yaakov Avinu, and should be treated in lie with their stature.
The author can be reached at [email protected]
Join the official YWN WhatsApp status
10 Responses
[Posted from a woman:]
There have been countless ads glorifying divorce. One only has to open a paper, your very own Five Towns Jewish News , at the forefront, to see many “benefits” of being divorced.
I understand you want to open peoples eyes to the plight of these women. However, you don’t think people know all this already?
Don’t you think that someone who is struggling with shalom bayis would give that up for all the sympathy, shabbatons, trips, support etc they will receive?
Yes , building a solid marriage is work, but when the marriage is shaky, doesn’t divorce sound more enticing?
So after reading so much of this, divorce sounds more exciting, shouldn’t one want to give it a try?!
there is reason that anecdotal evidence proves that more than 7 out 10 divorces these days are instigated by young woman.
All we and they read is :they’re entitled to be as self centered as they wish(dare we call it that?)
And still once more
“Don’t be judgmental
Don’t stigmatize”
There are positives of stigmatization that are being lost.They define what is normal without edicts
We preach incessantly about sinas chinom towards others
There is reason that divoce is connected to churban beis hamikdosh and the mizbe’ach
Drop preaching about other communities and other sectors , the “Ikkar” of
“sinas chinom ” that holding back the Geulah is stepping on family and spouses to get ahead!
Tthere is reason that divoce is connected to churban beis hamikdosh and the mizbe’ach
(but today it Pc forbids us to say it)
Thank you for this important and sensitive article. I only personally know three divorced women with children. The husbands they divorced: 1) joined a cult, 2) left his family to move into a Manhattan apartment with his mistress, and 3) decided, while in yeshiva in Lakewood, that he no longer wants to be frum.
Boruch Hashem, each of these women are “taken care of” by her respective community, but I can’t help but wonder if we do enough. And what about those women who fall through the cracks? I can’t imagine what they must be suffering.
R. Hoffman,
Would the title The Invisible Among Us , be more appropriate
..if the article wouldv’e been about those who give their all and REmain in unglamorous ‘poshute’ marriages ?
Not sure how commenter #1 reached those conclusions after reading the article but if you really believe its “time for truth” you might want to invest in a psych evaluation .
It is a rachmunis on them!
But I have to agree with the first few commentators. Many of these women brought on themselves, they are achzorim, they killed their husband, children and the rest of their family in the process. So when life on the other side doesn’t work out for them as they fantasized, it helps open their eyes and see how stupid and foolish they were.
The real tragedy are the kids who didn’t do anything and yet they are the most hurt. OY!!!
It’s time to work on not being so self centered….
The frum community does NOT make it easy on divorced parents. Many people that leave a marriage – it’s due to personality disorders or worse.
It’s like having your spouse die and then there is this aggravating person that undermines you to your kids, fights over money, argues over visitation, etc.
Have you read the Russian woman who was murdered by her Jewish “spouse” because she filed for a gett and got it? He was not well mentally.
There are first count accounts of women who were rat poisoned by spouses and only survived with eaten up stomachs, by the grace of G-d. Before you judge just walk in someone’s shoes for an hour. May you never know the pain and “whole underground world” of divorce, bais din, court & battles.
Mostly people divorce because being with this person is SO PAINFUL they’d rather spend the rest of their lives alone. Many neither recover, nor remarry.
Married women will say to a divorced mother “My husband works such long hours I hardly see him.” Yeah well you still have your mortgage paid and you still have intimacy which is the bare joy divorced parents don’t usually have.
Don’t you think it kills to watch your kids go to shul alone every shakos?
Well, it beats getting beaten.
Don’t you think it hurts to have your kids wear hand me downs and it seems this is your foreseeable future – while other kids are in Brooks Bros?
Don’t you think it hurts for a mom to make kiddush, havdala, etc.?
Don’t you think it hurts a dad to have to light shabbos candles?
Don’t you think it’s difficult to be with your extended family for yom tov and all the couples kutchy coo at the table and afterwards?
Don’t you think it’s overwhelming that YOU are the go to for your kids for EVERYTHING they need help with? You never get to sit or have “me” time.
Don’t you think it hurts that you are finite and cannot give each child the time you WISH you could?
Don’t you think you feel bittersweet about your kids’ milestones because you have no one to co-parent and enjoy the nachas moment with?
Divorce is seriously a form of death. Some survive. Most struggle to.
Many emerge HALF the people they were emotionally and intellectually.
The mizbayach cries because the union of fires of the two souls are no more. Just like the mizbayach united the two fires, earth and divine.
“Time for truth” seems to be just a farbitterte person or completely out of touch with reality.
The fact is that no divorced woman choses to be in that situation she is in, and noone does it out of wanting to get attention. Its outragous and very childish to even Think so, let alone put such horrible ideas in writing!
Most of the women were either abondened by their spouses for whatever reasons, some were mentioned above,and some not, or had no Choice but were forced to end their marriage and i dont know of one single woman who did so just bc she was “tempted” by a shabbaton or so… divorce is a last resort for woman who are left caring alone for children and left without financial backup.
The fact is theres a lot to rectify by indeed giving those woman some much needed help, who are you to argue with an explicit halacha as the gedoilim ruled??!
Theres basics these woman are lacking and are overlooked. They are struggling besides financially, also in raising alone their children, noone is out there to take their boys to shul for davening and learning , and much more.
People tend to fill up halls for chinese auctions of major chessed organisations,which Is important, and that everyone understands is a must which is all great, but its the day to day little things where theres no big “rahrah” where a persons middos are tested on.
Where are the neighbors to offer to take a boy to shul, to offer to build a succa, to say a good word, to learn with the boy etc… while not everyone can help financially, Everyone can help with the above.
Besides, those woman often cant even pay their electricity bills, cant pay tuition bills and have a hard time finding a job, being single parents having to take care of young children all alone, and dont have the funds to go to court to request payment s from their ex, which are often deadbeat fathers, it would be a great idea to open up an organization to help those woman in financial distress, just like there are other organisation s doing so in other life circumstances,
And again, its not always the donations where theres advertisements and major headlines in papers that the persons charachter is tested.
Its with the everyday “little” things in life mentioned above.
Theres up to this day B”h big chesed organisation for almost every challange a person can encounter in life l”a ,helping out financially too, for illnesses/childless couples/Almonos/bereaved parents etc etc and indeed its B”H amazing , but besides sts which helps and supports in other Not financial issues, it would be great if there was also an organization addressing the financial aspect, anyone thinking to open one?
Oh give me a break!
Sorry Rabbi Hoffman, with all due respect,my opinion is very different on this subject.
I grew up in a divorced home years ago when practically no was divorced back then! No one cared and no one took care of us and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Divorcees and children of divorced homes are not nebechs UNLESS they make themselves out to be nebechs. And that is the choice of every individual in a challenging situation. People need to GROW UP instead of being coddled for being in situations that are deemed to be challenging.
Now, as for the situation of those divorcees, most, certainly not all, but most of these divorces are about people who thought life is easy sailing. They couldn’t handle a rough and challenging situation which is what marriages generally are when two different individuals with different ideas and opinions are supposed to WORK towards peace and harmony and even with work some people still won’t have that. THAT IS LIFE.
So unless a person was emotionally or physically abused by their ex-spouse or has some other REAL reason for divorce ( unfaithfulness, for example) then I have absolutely no sympathy for the choice they made in their lives. Just the opposite. It is those who are in challenging marriages that accept their situations and GROW from it, which is what life is all about, that I really admire. I don’t judge those who did divorce, nevertheless, it is a choice but I don’t admire their choice nor do I feel bad for them.