by Rabbi Yair Hoffman for 5tjt.com
You left work early. You showered and got dressed in record time. You arrived at the wedding fifteen minutes before the Chuppah was called. You danced at the Chuppah and now you washed at the meal. So now, what is the problem? It is 10:30 PM and the main has not been served. And it is Williamsburg and you have valet parked. It looks like even now, you won’t be in bed before midnight.
The question, therefore, is: Halachically, is one permitted to leave a wedding early?
THE BASIC RULING IN SHULCHAN ARUCH
We begin with the ruling of the Shulchan Aruch. The Shulchan Aruch (OC 193:1) rules that a large group of people that ate together cannot break up into groups of three to bentch. The Mishna Brurah (193:11) explains that if they know that they will be unable to hear the blessing of zimun from the mevaraich and they are unable to break up into groups of ten, then and only then may they break up into groups of three.
It is an involved and complex subject, but it is not absolutely clear that intent prior to washing is effective in “not joining” with a wedding party group.
THE NATURE OF THE SHEVA BRACHOS OBLIGATION
One theory is that the issue depends upon whether the obligation to recite sheva brachos after eating at a meal is an individualized obligation incumbent upon each person or whether it is a general communal obligation. If it is the former, then it is unlikely that one would be permitted to leave early. If it is the latter, then as long as there is a minyan that is left to recite the Sheva Brachos it perhaps would be permitted.
WAITERS WHO ATE OF THE WEDDING MEAL
There is a fascinating TaZ, however, that seems to indicate that there is an individualized obligation incumbent upon each person. The Shulchan Aruch (both in sif 12 and in his Bais Yoseph) cites a debate between Rabbeinu Tuvya and the Kol Bo about whether waiters who partake of a wedding meal after bentching must recite the sheva brachos. The Shulchan Aruch rules like those Rishonim who hold that they do.
The TaZ rules that they do not recite them, since they were not eating for the bride and groom, but rather they were there to serve the guests. It is clear from the Taz’s language that the guests who ate at the wedding would certainly be obligated to stay and recite the Sheva Brachos. The TaZ clearly learns that it is an individualized obligation and not merely an obligation incumbent upon the Tzibbur.
THE RAMBAM’S VIEW
The language of the Rambam (Hilchos Brachos 2:10) is even more revealing. He writes that this bracha is added to the bentching in the house of the groom. The language of “added” indicates that it is part of the 4 blessings of bentching. This inference is made by the Brisker Rav (cited in Chidushei HaGriZ on Sotah Siman 18).
THE BRISKER RAV
The Brisker Rav rules that the Sheva Brachos can, therefore, only be recited by someone who has bentched Birkas HaMazon. He also rules on this account that the Sheva Brachos should be recited before the harachamans rather than afterward.
Another indication that this is the Rambam’s position is that the entire concept of Sheva Brachos in bentching is not brought down in the laws of weddings, but rather in the laws of bentching. It is interesting to note that the language of Tosfos in Psachim 102b (“Sh’ain), however, indicates that Sheva Brachos are not part of the blessings of Bentching.
* There is a Yesoma who, boruch Hashem, just got engaged. If anyone would like to assist in making her chasuna please donate here or contact the author.*
Those who went to Camp Agudah long, long, ago remember that the camp Rav was Rav Yaakov Teitelbaum zt”l, (also the Rav of K’hal Adas Yereim in Kew Gardens. His Rebbe was Rav Meir Arik zt”l. The Tchebiner Rav, also a student of Rav Meir Arik recalled that his Rebbe made the same inference in the Rambam and would never allow someone who did not wash and bentch to recite Sheva Brachos.
POSSIBLE MACHLOKES RISHONIM
It is clear that the TaZ and the aforementioned Tosfos in Psachim, of course, do not agree with this reading of the Rambam. Leaving early, especially when one washed on bread, thus might be a machlokes Rishonim. As mentioned earlier, however, the issue is not so clear cut. If he does need to leave early, and he does wish to eat bread, it is better that he washes after everyone else washed and that he bentch before the rest of the wedding party bentches.
RAV MOSHE FEINSTEIN’S SUGGESTION
Rav Moshe Feinstein zt”l (IM OC Vol. I #56) writes that he should also have in mind that he does not intend to join them whatsoever when he washes. The Birchas Shaim (page 132) by Rav Shaul Mizrachi also cites the ruling of Rav Elyashiv zt”l that when there is a need, one can follow this recommendation.
If a person did not have this condition upon washing, then based upon the Mishna Brurah elsewhere (200:5) one can bentch earlier than the rest (with two others of course) but only if there exists a great need. There is also the view of the Rashbash cited by the Birchas Shaim that when there are not ten people at the same table, it is not considered as having had eaten together. Although generally speaking the view of the Rashbash is not the way we normally pasken, when there is a great need it is a view that we can rely upon.
One final thought to consider: What is considered a need or a great need? Although each person should consult his own Rav or Posaik, there is a fascinating Ramah (end of OC 248) that waking up in the morning so that one can go to work and provide for one’s family is considered a Dvar Mitzvah. This is certainly the case for attending a Torah shiur in the morning as well. So, all in all it would depend on the amount of repercussions involved in coming in late. If they are serious then that would constitute a great need. If the repercussions are not so significant, it would be a regular need. If the repercussions are almost miniscule – then perhaps one should not do it at all.
* There is a Yesoma who, boruch Hashem, just got engaged. If anyone would like to assist in making her chasuna please donate here or contact the author.*
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14 Responses
A good reason to attend just the chupah or simchas chasan v’kallah.
In this discussion it might also be appropriate to spend a few lines discussing some “midos” questions regarding leaving early. Does leaving early take away from simchas chosson and kallah? Should that factor into a decision to leave early or not? Should one consider declining an invitation if one will be unable to stay much past the chuppah? The baalei simcha pay tremendous amounts of money for each person. Of course emergencies and other unforeseeable circumstances come up, but what about issues that one can plan for?
Even according to the rambam a non-bentcher should be able to say a Sheva Beracha as an arvus to a birchas hamitzvah.
Even if we are not motzei another with birchas hamazon, that’s only because we are concerned that the “Listener” may not be able to hold concentration for the entire birchas hamazon. But here it is only a short Bracha.
It would be nice to have a discussion on why people are leaving “early”. Perhaps when the chupa starts an hour and a half late and the meal has not yet been served at 11:30 on a work night the baalei simcha should consider torch a detzibura. A weeding does not have to be that long
As a generalization, a great virtue of the Israeli system where things are not so formal, is that the baalei simcha do not pay [waste] tremendous amounts of money on each person. It is quite acceptable in Israel to “pop in” to a chassene to give a hearty Mazal tov, dance a little, make a brocha and a lechaim and leave. The formality of American and European weddings is not something Israeli families generally aspire to.
This is precisely why it has become popular to have a shorter “1st dance” they then serve the main, bentch and sheva Brochos (which incidentally takes away the problem of besides birchas hamazon the halacha of also making an al hamichya at the Viennese table even though you washed.)Then who ever can stay dances the second dance, they then serve dessert and generally have a third dance.
WHAT HAS WILLIAMSBURG GOT TO DO WITH VALET PARKING?
To charvona — I completely agree. That so many weddings run in such untimely fashion is a terrible tircha to so many people. When a crowd of hundreds of people are waiting a few minutes at the chuppah for someone to come up for a bracha, I often think about the bitul zman of so many people (why didn’t they make sure in advance that the person knew he had a kavod and was seated in an appropriate seat?). It’s really a pet peeve of mine. Or if the chasson and kallah spend an extra 20 minutes taking pictures, this means another 20 people probably will need to leave, disappointed that they couldn’t see them before leaving. I’m equally annoyed as you are about this and wish that people would take other people’s time into consideration.
The reason I wrote my comment was that when I read the title of this article “Leaving a wedding early…”, the first thing that came to mind was this issue that we’re discussing, and only after reading the article did I realize that it had nothing to do with that. Of course the bentching shaylose are important, but I wish that the author would have also spent a few minutes discussing these issues too. Maybe he could have lamented the uncomfortable halachic position which running a late wedding puts many people in.
And I still think that there is some room to discuss the question of saying yes to a wedding that you know you won’t be able to stay for. Maybe know it will unfortunately run late, or maybe you know that you need to wake up early the next morning. I think people should take the hosts into consideration when responding, given how much is being paid for them.
Does this all sound reasonable?
The better consideration would be for Baalei Simcho to have Birkas haMozon by 10PM; Pictures after the wedding as is done in Israel, instead of wasting everybody’s time hanging around 1-2 hours waiting for young couple to be paraded in, missing their own wedding for 1-2 hours.
If those 1-2 hours would be applied to singles spending the time with a hired Shadchan[it] matching Groom’s & Bride’s friends together, this would be enough שעת-הדחק to justify all the resulting Zimun issues, but otherwise, there is no justification for שבע-ברכות ever being after 10PM.
What about the eitza of telling people to not wash? Granted it is a seudas mitzva but is there a chiyuv to wash for a sedudas mitzvah? If it is a nice thing than perhaps the question should be wich is better, to have the nice thing and leave early or just avoid the issue.
And I thought this article was going to be about how to balance the avodah of simchas chosson v’kalla while trying to ignore the filth pouring out of the overbearing loudspeakers that people are pretending to dance with…
My brother got married daytime before the first night of chanukah. Almost everyone left barely after the first dance, so they could light on time. I could be wrong, but I think that wasn’t the proper halacha
וחי בהם
I have to leave when the music gets ear-splitting-loud. Is there a halacha from playing music too loud?
Our Rav advised us, that if there is a chance of you having to leave early, then do the following. Wash and eat a Kezayis of bread AT HOME, having in mind to continue at the chasene. Then, eat some more bread at the chasene. If you stay till the end, you can bentch with Mezuman, whilst if you leave early, you have no chiyuv mezuman, as you neither started nor finished with the others.