By Rabbi Yair Hoffman
For whatever reason there is, there is a hidden and relatively invisible group of people in our community – the single mothers of Klal Yisroel. And although many in our communities have tried to institute programs where people volunteer to bring their sons to shul or volunteer to bring them to father-son learning programs, by and large, these programs kind of fall apart after a few months.
And the divorced women who live in our communities are a group whose numbers are growing dramatically.
Most of these women are not members of our shuls either. These women have children, they have struggles and questions too.
These women need a Rav who can address the important issues of their lives, and of their children’s lives. They need a Rav who can help them decide which two of their five children should be the one to go to summer camp. They need advice that only Daas Torah can give them.
THE SUGGESTION
Each shul should consider taking in between five and ten single mom families to this effect and offer them free or heavily, heavily discounted membership. True, everyone else is a paying member, but this is a huge need in Klal Yisroel.
In the Far Rockaway/Five Towns community alone, this author has a list of over seventy-five single mothers who could use such assistance and there are, of course, many more.
Please reach out to me at [email protected] if your shul can offer this to any of them.
THE HALACHA
What does Halacha say about these women and their plight? The pesukim in the Torah tell us about orphans, widows and converts. But what about the growing number of divorcees? And if, in fact, the answer is that we should devote more resources to this invisible group – then we really have to do it.
A few years ago, a woman approached a number of gedolim in Eretz Yisroel about the plight of divorcees and obtained a remarkable letter. [Because there was a slight factual miscommunication in the recipient of the letter, it was never published at the time.] The three gedolim? Rav Aron Leib Shteinman, zt”l; Rav Chaim Kanievsky, zt”l and Rav Michel Yehuda Lefkowitz, zt”l. The letter is translated below:
To the Honorable Organization..
We have heard of the remarkable acts of chesed that you do with widows, rachmana litzlan, in a most befitting manner. Now you approach with a question in regard to divorced women:
Do they have a similar halachic status in regard to tzedaka and in the manner in which to deal with them on an equal basis?
Our opinion is that the circumstances and situations are equal in their importance.
May the Holy One Blessed Be He enable you to continue in your blessed handiwork.
One who signs with wishes of blessing,
[Rav] Michel Yehudah Lefkowitz, Bnei Brak 5769 [zt”l]
We too join with what has been mentioned above,
[Rav] A.L. Shteinman [zt”l]
[Rav] Chaim Kanievsky [zt”l]
Please consider this and reach out.
The author can be reached at [email protected]
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3 Responses
Here in America, many women leave
their husbands for trivial reasons.
Just as women reject men for trivial reasons in dating,
many women also leave their husbands for trivial reasons.
If an American woman decides that she is BORED with
her marriage, then it is likely that she will leave her husband.
If an American woman decides that her husband
is not tall enough, or not good-looking enough,
then it is likely that she will leave her husband.
If an American woman decides that her husband
is not rich enough, then she may leave her husband.
She often makes these decisions by comparing
her husband to the husbands of her friends.
If he is less than the husbands of her friends,
then he becomes a likely candidate for divorce.
And her so-called female “friends” will tell her
that she is doing the right thing by leaving
her husband, because she deserves THE BEST.
Her so-called female “friends” will tell her
that her average husband is worthless,
because in the eyes of American women,
average men are completely worthless.
In America, average women, and even below-average women,
believe that they are entitled to marry a top 1% man.
And if they cannot get a top 1% man,
then they choose to not marry, or to divorce.
We never get the true reasons for divorce from divorced women.
They always have a story that makes their ex-husbands look like villains.
They always have a story that makes themselves look like innocent victims.
If a wife gets caught cheating on her husband,
she will NEVER tell people that she was caught
cheating on her husband, Instead, she will tell many lies
about how her ex-husband was controlling and abusive.
Most people will believe her false stories about why divorce happened.
Another reason why divorce happens is because Divorce Laws
give women many big incentives to leave their husbands.
The ex-wives get: the house, alimony, and so-called “Child Support”
that they can spend on ANYTHING they want, and custody of the children.
According to American Divorce Law, the ex-wives
almost-always get these things, even if the husband
did nothing wrong, and even if the divorce
was 100% the fault of the wife.
If these incentives for divorce were eliminated,
then fewer women would leave their husbands.
Remember the lesson of Shlomoh HaMelech:
“THE WISE WOMAN BUILDS HER HOUSE,
BUT THE FOOLISH WOMAN TEARS IT DOWN
WITH HER OWN HANDS.” (Mishlei, chapter 14, verse 1)
Another peripheral suggestion – for women who are asking themselves questions about their husbands. Your husband is not the only one who has looked at inappropriate things, or raised his voice. I’m not excusing these behaviours. But I’m suggesting women use realistic statistics when exercising judgment!
Beware of Square _roots comments – he is trying to take away the cheishek to help. Like amalek that cooled off the hot bath! How dare you talk like that! Check with a psychologist. It’s possible your wife is suffering from you, and a lot. You should also check your square Roots to see if you even are a descendant of rachmanim baishanim gomlei chasadim!