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QUESTION: WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON IN THE SHIDDUCH SCENE?
HOW COME WE CANNOT GET OUR ACT TOGETHER?
ANSWER: Here are 3 avenues to improve the Shidduch process. TOGETHER this CAN be done!
Many refer to the current day scene as the “Shidduch Crisis”
The Term Shidduch Crisis has been used since 2006 or earlier; but you may know, that according to Rabbi Reisman and many other top Rabbanim, and Talmidei Chachamim that the word shidduch actually means in Aramaic “Calm and Gentle”.
In truth there is no Crisis in Hakadosh Baruch Hu’s eyes (Caviyachol). We just have to use our abilities to change the Man-made challenges that we have created. We have made the Crisis together, so let’s unmake the “Crisis” Together
From my experience as one of the only full-time Presidents of a Non-Profit Shidduch Organization (Besuros Tovos-Bashert.net) I would like to share with you 3 Avenues that will B’ezras Ha-shem drastically improve the Shidduch Process for our boys and our girls.
Here are a few steps we as a Tzibbur can take now to restore the calmness to the Shidduch Process:
Firstly, Single are not Products; they are People.
While Bochurim are esteemed for their desire to learn and to grow, they need not be worshiped.
The demands that some boys and their families have been shamelessly increasing should not be easily tolerated, by the Shadchanim, by the family of the girls and perhaps most of all by the families of the boys.
It is vital not to feed the Gaavah/Smug feelings that boys have. Boys are not doing a favor by dating a particular girl.
Secondly, If Shadchanim or a boy’s parents represent that they have a long list to choose from, then he is not someone we want our daughter’s to marry and we recommend that you promptly take yourself off that boys List. We must STOP feeding the Gaavah- by aiding boys/men to feel Gaavah.
Girl’s Parents and Girls themselves have to take a Stand now and we at Besuros Tovos-Bashert.net are committed to help them take that Brave STAND. My advice on how to do this is as follows: if you speak to a boys parent’s or their Shadchan and they say: we/our dear son/client has a list of 40-200 girls just “SAY NO”.
Stop buying into this Sheker that there are 20-100 girls for every good boy. It is definitely not true! Hence both boy’s parents and girl’s parents have to stop talking about the boys “LIST”. If you keep talking about something even if it isn’t true then people believe it. I have spoken to many boys and their parents and they don’t have lists of 100’s of girls but rather more like 5 or 10, which many girls have as well.
Thirdly until Klal Yisroel hires Thousands of full time Shadchanim, we as Klal Yisoel need to work through one centralized system as much as possible so we can actually limit technologically each boy or girl to 10-20 suggestions. I am not Rashi or the Rambam but Libi Omer Li (My Heart says to me) that 20 suggestions are certainly enough. To that end our Non-Profit Besuros Tovos has created a powerful tool for shadchanim and parents of singles or singles themselves. We can provide our technology as software or it is just simpler to use through bashert.net.
GUESS WHAT? We can programmatically (written with a sinister grin)
prevent mistreatment of girls by limiting each boy to only 10-20 suggestions at once!
So I can’t force anybody but just think of it, if all girls UNITE now, wouldn’t this make everyone’s life easier especially for the mothers of boys if they do not have 10-100 resumes printed out or via email to go through
L’maaseh the current system has for the most part failed and BS”D we need talented/great people to work in Shidduchim Full Time. However great people can’t do nearly as much with a pen and paper and telephone or even with email as they can do with a $250,000 piece of software that organizes their clients for them beautifully and uses Smart Technology based on Top author and leader Dr. Dovid Lieberman’s expert knowledge of human behavior. We encourage our shadchanim to meet all of our members personally if they haven’t already.
Unfortunately at present, it is seemingly a Chumra Hamayvee Lidei Kulah to operate without the best technology- it might sound non-personal, but the technology is just used to save the Shadchanim time and find the best matches for a boy or girl in 10 seconds and then the shadchan goes and reads the many profiles suggested for a particular boy or girl, and proceeds to continue the way Shidduchim were redt the last 100+ years.
Article Written by Rabbi Daniel Schneierson President of Besuros Tovos and www.bashert.net
“Shidduch Organization that won’t stop until the situation for Bnos Yisroel is turned around!”
Besuros Tovos- Bashert.net has moved strongly in the last few months and is positioned to turn what others refer to as the “Shidduch Crisis” into a “Shidduch Celebration.
THERE IS ONE or TWO MORE DAYS to sign up for 77% discount for a full year of membership for just $35. If you get engaged in 2 months, Halivai that will be amazing!!”
Bashert.net is PRE-FILTERED- under supervision of Top Bnei Torah who learned in Top Mainstream Yeshivos.
Bashert.net will help you have 30-40 Shadchanim (and growing each week) be able to look for shidduchim for you.
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14 Responses
This has got to be some sort of April Fools gag. (It is April 1st today.) The girls need the boys. They would be shooting themselves in the foot if they took any boys off their list due to some perceived slight. The boys have many more choices whereas the girls do not.
While the person writing this article appears to be trying to help the shidduch crisis, I believe that his shaming posture towards the men to be a much bigger problem than the bochurim and their lists. A woman must respect her husband and look up to him as the spiritual leader of the family. My husband and I regularly try to make shidduchim as a chesed and find that the women are generally the ones saying “no” to the shidduch. And it’s not because they are any better than the men on any level but because they have developed an inflated sense of themselves and what they deserve. One might argue that this comes from anti-male attitudes put forward by the secular society’s feminist agenda which have seeped into the frum world. But regardless of the causes, it is up to us in the Jewish world to stay with Torah values which include respect not only for women but for men as well.
If our schools and yeshivas would start being honest with the boys and girls and their parents that not every boy is going to be a “rosh yeshiva” and not every girl is going to be a rebetzin and that you can build a bayis Neman byisroel as a working yungerman maybe part of the problem would be solved
Rabbi Schneirson great piece. The big problem and you know it and didnt say it is the MOTHER of the boys and girls 99% DREAMERS Also $250,000 yea!!!!!!!!!! ,why not go for top quality $500,000 whats money? money is no object!!!!!
Good point rabbi schneierson. They boys in shidduchim are focused on the wrong things. They are looking for money and looks. Maybe they should focus on middos and the personality of the girl. Money and looks don’t make happy marriages. Middos do!
I am single and when I spoke to several shadchanim. everything was going well untill I said I wanted to make aleah and I heard crickets.
I also went to see someone and the only thing they were interested in was “She is so beautiful” , I think that it should be easier to find shadchanim that actually want to find you someone.
Unless there is a major issue I always say yes. The girl says I don’t want his type, how does she kbow from reading a few lines on an application.
Quote, “It’s a Shidduch organization that won’t stop until the situation for “Bnos Yisroel” is turned around.”
WHAT ABOUT LOBBYING FOR THE BOYS????
Although the points mentioned here have some validity, I find this to be a very one sided-unbalanced representation.
Why do all the “chachumim yodeiy haitim” generalize? Because it’s very easy! Avoiding a multi-faceted issue (crisis) by identifying one point, and throwing all other possible issues in to the pool.
Furthermore this representation will just turn off both sides causing a even bigger “turf war” boy’s vs. girls.
Is there someone out there capable of presenting a balanced view of the issues?
To single and looking,
Excuse me for making this comment but did you consider making Aliyah before getting married.
First of all you will have an easier time to marrying someone to stay put in Israel than trying to get them to relocate to a new country with a total stranger which to them you are.
Second you will have the respect from everyone for going after what you believe in. Everyone will take you al lot more seriously than.
Third there is no shortage of girls here. Most really like Americans
At least, B”H, the article didn’t mention the KEFIRA garbage, “blaming” the “crises” on the “age-gap”!
this is madness!!!! the problem is one of simple midah k’neged midah– if boys and girls do not meet organically such as at b’kovodik events and are seperated at every chance that arises, of course you’re going to have a shiduch crisis– boys do not know how to talk to girls and visa versa, so therfore a shadchun must be brought in at the parents request and money must be handed over– don’t you see that we get what we deserve?? if shadchunim concentrate on group events of boys and girls and not individual match ups the problem will self correct in a very short time. after all, look at Tu B’Av– not a shadchun around
you asked? “WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON IN THE SHIDDUCH SCENE? HOW COME WE CANNOT GET OUR ACT TOGETHER?
Is there anything that we can get our act together as a nation & do? can we do teshuva together as a nation to end the tzaros & bring mashiach? can we get our act together & help rubashkin? can we get our act together & help our brothers in Israel in the current situation with the draft?
its so sad… that even a loving nation like klal yisroel can’t face reality & team together to do something ASAP to help our brothers in Israel or do Teshuva ASAP etc…
may this shidduch crises come to an end soon, if you do the right thing, i.e. Daven to HASHEM & put your trust in HASHEM to help you or your child find a shidduch, don’t depend on others i.e. shadchanim, rebbes etc… depend on Hashem & then you will lack nothing (tehillim 34)
Its sad to see how misguided this person with such good intentions can be. It is not the boys that are the issue the boys say yes many a time…its the girls that are saying no. They want the biys to be husbands and providers but they dont want to be wives and caregivers. They want to have all the luxury and all the demands from their perfect brad Pitt. Its the girls that have the egos not the boys. Every girl at one point or another has had a guy who has “run” after them and they turn him down for whatever reason. Ask any girl who is older if they ever had a guy who “pursued” them or for lack of better terms what they perceived to have “stalked” them. Its their egos that consider it stalking…at the end of the day girls need to understand brad “boruch” pitt is not out there learning 12 hours a day and making a million dollars. Its either or not both and def not all three…be realistic!
#11 – you are right the main thing is to believe that Hashem Runs the World, and pray to Hashem. But there’s such a thing as Hishtadles too. So yes we do need the Shadchanim. And about the Draft, I’m not sure why on earth you mix oranges with apple’s, keep those two issues separately.