By Rabbi Yair Hoffman for the Sfas Tamim Foundation
The Sefas Tamim Foundation emphasizes the primacy of Everyday Emes in our everyday lives through educational and inspirational program study of Halacha, Mussar and Chizuk.
QUESTION: My spouse [gender made neutral] is kind of extreme in dealing with the thermostat in the house. When it is slightly uncomfortably warm, the thermostat is adjusted to the lowest temperature available. When my spouse is slightly cold, the thermostat is then adjusted to the 90’s. I installed a different thermostat in a hidden area behind the built in bookcase. Now whenever my spouse adjusts, I adjust slightly. Is this a violation of one is permitted to “change” for the sake of maintaining peace – muttar leshanos mipnei hashalom? I read in one of your articles that one is only permitted to avail oneself of this leniency if, in general, one is completely honest and this will not adversely affect his future honesty. Although I am working it, I still do lie occasionally. Must I tell my spouse what I have done?
ANSWER: This is the understanding of Rav Yavrov in his Niv Sfasayim Section II (#5 and 6). The issue has to do with how one reads the Sefer Chassidim (#426). However, it is not according to all Poskim, although Rav Yavrov zt”l recommends it as best practices. Here, however, it is on a slightly lower level – wherein you are just not informing your spouse about something that you have done. On the other hand, this sounds like the type of thing that could be very embarrassing for your spouse if they were to find out in some unprepared manner. Embarrassing someone is a very serious issue and if there is even a chance of embarrassing your spouse – then inform them now.
The Gemara in Bava Metzia (58b) states that all the people who descend to Gehinnom arise from there with the exception of three kinds: the last one being – one who embarrasses his friend in public. These three never arise. This halachah is stated in Shulchan Aruch (Choshen Mishpat 228:5) and is nogaya – practically applicable.
The Rambam (Hilchos Teshuvah 3:14) lists a public embarrasser as one of the 24 categories of people that have no share in the World to Come.
Rabbeinu Yona in his Shaarei Teshuvah (3:139) discusses explains that embarrassing someone is abizraihu of murdering. He refers to the incident of Tamar and Yehudah and explains that Tamar preferred to be burned with fire – rather than embarrass Yehudah publicly. He implies that this is an actual halacha.
Rabbeinu Yonah, citing the Gemorah in Bava Metziah 59a, states, “L’olam yapil adam es atzmo l’kivshan haAish v’al yalbin pnei chaveiro berabim – a person should always throw himself into a pit of fire rather than embarrassing his friend in public.”
MEIRI’S VIEW – SUGGESTION
There is, of course, another understanding of the source that Rabbeinu Yonah cites. The text in our Gemorahs (both BM 59a and Sota 10b) is different than that which Rabbeinu Yonah quotes. Our text states, “Noach lo le’adam sh’yapil – it is preferable for a person to throw himself etc.” The wording of preferable indicates that doing so is a stringency – rather than a requirement.
Indeed, this seems to be the indication of the Meiri in his comments on the Gemorah in Sotah where he writes, “A person should always be careful not to embarrass” – the indication of his language and the fact that he refers to the throwing oneself as a “ha’ara” – a suggestion is indicative that he holds it is just an act of preference – a chumrah, so to speak.
The Baalei haTosfos in their comments on the Gemorah in Sotah, however, pose the question as to why this concept is not listed in the Gemorah in Psachim (25a) among the three sins that one must forfeit his life for. The Baalei Tosfos answer that this concept is not explicitly written in the Torah. The implication of Tosfos is that they agree with the position of Rabbeinu Yonah that it is a full halachic obligation.
There is perhaps a third possibility that we can suggest. Could it be said that our sages merely are indicating how very severe it is to embarrass someone and are speaking in hyperbole? We find that Chazal will occasionally speak in hyperbole in order to bring home the point that this is an action from which we should stay far away.
Regardless of the actual understanding of the Gemorah, one should avoid embarrassing someone at all costs. So if you are absolutely sure that there will be no possible embarrassment then you can keep your secret. Otherwise, you may want to invest in heated chairs, heated floormats or heated blankets.
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9 Responses
There is no reason whatsoever to play this kind of trick and to state that it was for “shalom bais” purpose sounds quite malicious. Indeed, if she founds out, she will not just be embarrassed but will start thinking that her complains were not based on an accurate fact and this trick make it sounds like an imaginary thing… Try to find out what is affecting her well being instead of trying to make her (him) appear as an irrational person. Whoever does this has no respect for himself and his spouse.
And if it gets too cold or too warm, can’t you just ask your spouse to adjust it for you as well, like something in the middle, that will be acceptable for both of you?
Is your next question going to involve something about how you can possibly trust this person when it comes to raising your children… or how they can trust you…?
Gaslighting!
The term “gaslighting” comes from a 1938 play titled Gas Light, which was adapted into the 1940 film Gas Light, followed by the better-known 1944 film Gaslight, starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman.
In each work, a male protagonist convinces his wife she’s imagining things that are actually happening—including the dimming of the house’s gas lights—with the result of making her believe she’s gone insane.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and distorting reality is a form of abuse. It is much worse than deception or dishonesty.
I totally agree with rebbetzin, what is described here is indeed a case of abuse and manipulation. By distorting one’s reality, the victim will only get more vulnerable and might get confused about everything else. Is he also hiding his real revenue because she doesn’t know what to buy?
That made me think of a tragic story: A man who use to criticize his spouse in public and who use to point out at her “hoarding disorders” , had once left his little daughter in the bathtub, without any adult supervision. The baby drowned in the tub and what is even more tragic is the following: since the house was packed with all kind of stuff, while the child was suffering from a death threatening situation, and in order not to be blamed for the baby injury, the parents started to organize their house before to call 911. Once the rescue team got to their homes, the baby’s situation deteriorated, and she’s now disabled. I never knew all the details of that event until a young woman, once told me that she knew this family and started crying when she remembered being called for helping to clean the house after the baby was found in the tub. It will have been safer to have the rescue team right away, instead they choose to cover up for themselves and have even involved others people into that mess. Accidents like those can happen in a blink of an eye but the decisions that one will take afterword might be crucial for one’s life and in this case, their own child.
I feel so sorry for the person who posted this question because he is dealing with someone who is not logical in this area. The spouse is not open to noticing what happens when he/she turns the thermostat all the way up or down, and, although it has been pointed out, has no awareness of how to use thermostats, ie that there are several stages along the way. He/she clearly wishes for the fastest possible results and so is using the thermostat as one would use an oven setting device – if you want it hot as fast as possible, turn it to max.
I would recommend that the questioner, instead of secretly resetting their own second device, should turn to the spouse and say, it’s fine that you turn the setting up to max to get these speedy results, but can you please also begin this timer (affix a digital countdown timer next to the thermostat, set to 30 minutes) when you change the thermostat setting so that you can set it back down to 19-20-21 degrees as soon as the desired temperature is reached? That way it a) doesn’t cost too much, b) you get the fastest results possible and c) we don’t have massive temperature swings of the whole house being boiling or freezing.
Surely, that is what “spouse” intended anyway to do by setting the thermostat to extreme temperatures but probably “spouse” doesn’t have the know-how to install devices. You, the questioner, clearly do, so install a timer next to the thermostat, to ring, and check in, after a certain amount of time. Or if they don’t like this plan, ask if they can suggest something different that they do feel peaceful about.
Just because a rav quotes another rav, does not mean either of them are correct.
Please keep in mind that this rabbi is compelled to crank out articles because he has difficulty sleeping at night, and in his sleep deprived state, he comes up with whatever he deems fit.
Don’t these couples have conversations about their differences and come to a compromise? The scenario is childish and as others have pointed out it’s a fine example of gaslighting.