by Rabbi Yair Hoffman for the Sefas Tamim Foundation
Question: Whenever we go to my mother, who is getting older and has some health issues, she uses her limited strength to constantly shop for us and pack us up with food to take home. We feel badly about her overextending herself on our behalf. Am I permitted to lie and tell her that there is no room in our refrigerator for her food? We would tell her that we recently made arrangements with the Shul to give us all of the leftover food that they have from Simchas held there. We have made no such arrangements of course, but knowing my mother, this is the only thing that would convince her to stop overexerting herself on our behalf.
Answer: The Gemorah says that regarding three matters, it is normal for sages to deviate from the truth. If he is asked whether he studied a particular tractate, he may humbly say that he did not, even if he did. If he is asked whether he slept in a particular bed, he may say that he did not, to avoid potential shame in that situation. And regarding his “Ushpiza” – his host, even if he was well received by his host, he may say that he was not, to prevent others from taking advantage of his host’s hospitality. (Bava Metziah 23b)
The Meiri explains lying regarding a host’s hospitality in the Gemorah above differently. He writes that the Gemorah means to say that if he is concerned that the host is extending himself too much to feed him, then he may lie to the host and say that he has already eaten – even if he has not.
The Titen Emes L’Yaakov Siman 120 cites this Meiri and it would seem that your situation is similar. It would appear that you would be allowed to lie to prevent your mother from overextending herself by shopping for you. If it is at all possible, it is “best practice” to figure out a way of convincing her without resorting to a lie.
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3 Responses
Some people get pleasure from giving. That is their “love language”. You might see it as your mother “overextending” herself, but she might be spending hours preparing the food as a way of expressing her love and appreciation for you. If this is her pleasure and fulfills her motherhood nature, should you really deprive her of that????
I am surprised the esteemed Rov Shlita did not apply the “5th chelek” of Shulchan Oruch.
I agree w/ Rebbitzen here. If it is practical, send your children to cook and bond together with your mother, or if it is long distance away, come a day earlier.
Also, it sounds like your mother is worrying about your financial stability – as you are planning to tell her, somewhat credibly, that the shul will provide your food. Maybe also make members of your family work more productively so that her mother is more confident that you can feed her einekels properly.
Is there any source that lying is prohibited, in general, if it is a harmless lie?