By Rabbi Yair Hoffman for 5tjt.com

YH: First off, thank you for the interview, I realize that it is getting close to Shabbos in Yerushalayim.  Our topic is the 4 biggest problems in shidduchim.

What would you say is the biggest problem in dating today?

HT:  After working in the realm of shidduchim for decades, it has become clear to me that for the guy (or gal) who dates 50 girls, the solution is not to go out and date #51. The problem is one of chinuch, and it needs to be addressed.

YH: Wow!  That’s hard-hitting.  Which type of people are you referring to with this “chinuch issue?”

HT: I am not referring to what we can call, “the Singles in the Upper West Side,” where I believe the prominent problem is one of entitlement and the inability to commit.

YH:  So those are problems number 2 and number 3? The sense of entitlement and the Inability to commit?

HT: Yes, but an evening devoted to hadracha will not (sufficiently) alter those who suffer from these two problems.

YH:  So who are you referring to in problem #1 – those in need of a pre-req mini-course?

HT:  I am referring to earnest young people who have been exposed (as we all have) to a society whose goal in marriage is not to establish a mishkan for Hashem. In this realm, chinuch and hadracha can be extremely beneficial.

YH:  So what skills do you think can be tweaked in such an evening?

HT: One who is dating and certainly before once commences, must work on 1] learning on how to get along with people.. 2] how to be communicative 3] how to be nice and 4] how to show appreciation.

YH:  And your event hopes to cover these issues?

HT:  Well, we can start with identifying the problems and underscoring the need to address them.

YH: Is there a fifth?

HT: Yes, just as important is the desire to work out a problem, and not to avoid it.

YH:  Interesting.  What are other hurdles that we need to overcome?

HT:  The fear of making a decision is also a major obstacle regarding shidduchim.  People go into panic over deciding what they want for dessert.  Essentially, they need to learn how to adopt an appropriate decision-making process.

YH:  I understand that you are also doing something about it.  Tell me about your forthcoming event in the 5 Towns that will address some of the underlying issues.  What is it called and where and when will it be held?

HT:  It is called, “Guide For the Vexed.”

YH:  Nice name.  Who is the event catered toward?

HT:  It is for anyone dating, anyone about to date, and parents of those in the process.  Men and women are invited, separate seating.   It is planned for Motzai Shabbos Bereishis on October 22^nd  in the Young Israel of Lawrence/Cedarhurst at 9 PM.

YH:  Food?

HT: Yes, of course.

YH:  So what’s the topic?

HT: It is a guide for navigating shidduchim.  Believe it or not – it is chinuch for dating – kind of like a pre-requisite course.  Shidduchim is the most important decision in one’s life – shouldn’t it be an informed decision?

YH: Yes, of course.  Who are the Rabbinic endorsements from?

HT: In alphabetical order, Rabbi Eli Belizon, Rabbi Eliakim Koehigsberg, Rabbi Hershel Schachter, Rabbi Eli Baruch Shulman and Rabbi Moshe Weinberger.

YH:  Well, thanks very much.  I realize that it’s time to let you go for Shabbos.  Hatzlacha on the event.  I understand Rabbi Eitan Feiner and Rabbi Aryeh Lebowitz are part of the program – along with a short film presentation too.  And that there is $10 entrance fee to defray the costs.

HT:  Yes, please help spread the word!

The interviewer can be reached at [email protected]