Dear Sarah,

I am in my 50’s and recently a close friend of mine was niftar. Lately, there have been other prominent people in my neighborhood who also recently passed away at a young age.   Since then, I noticed that I can’t stop thinking about death and dying and I often feel anxious and panicky.  My hands get sweaty and my heart begins to race fast.

Signed, anxious

Dear Anxious:

I commend you for reaching out to help yourself in this challenging situation. The feelings of panic and anxiety can be difficult to tolerate.   Often, a morbid fear of (and preoccupation with) death is prompted by witnessing death, especially if the loss is sudden and unexpected. Outlined below are some techniques to lessen your anxiety and increase your feelings of joy and contentment.

Relax and slow down your thoughts:

Did you ever notice how the more you try not to think about something, the more you do? If someone will say “don’t think about the pink elephant in the room”, did the image of the pink elephant just come to your mind?  To say “try not to think about it”, especially when it comes to fear of death, will not work.  Because it’s not so much what we think about, but how we feel when we think about it, try to feel calmer and less nervous when thinking about something that is anxiety provoking. Try listening to a relaxation CD and notice what it’s like to think about the fact that we all die as you relax deeply. Incredibly soon, you’ll notice that you’ll just start to feel so much better about it.

 Understand Your Fear:

Understanding that your fear isn’t necessarily a bad thing can help you become grateful for it and eventually conquer it. Fear can help protect you and is a basic instinct for staying safe and alert. The fear you feel of death is actually an instinct ingrained in you to help you stay alive.

Talk About It:

Talking out loud with a Rav, friend or family member about your death can make it seem less frightening and more normalized. Mentioning your fears to someone that you trust can help you work on your fear by making it a regular topic of conversation and not something that is taboo or upsetting.

A therapist can help you transition from a fear of death to an acceptance of death and, in turn, an embrace of life.

Live Your Life:

It may sound like a tired cliche, but it’s important to live your life to its fullest. If you are constantly filling your life with faith, happiness, family, friends, relationships and experiences, death becomes less scary as you realize you’ve done everything in your power to live the best life possible. Live your life meaningfully so you can accept death knowing you did the best that you could. Also, be proactive get a physical to reassure yourself that you are in fact in good health and taking the necessary steps to get there.

Faith:

Use your faith in Hashem to acknowledge that everything He does is for the best. Attend shiurim that focus on Emunah and Bitachon. It will help you become more resilient and less fearful.  Rabbi Shimshon Pincus wrote in his sefer The Gates of Emunah– Hashem is unlimited, infinite and eternal.  Hashem has no lack of goodness and He gives all his chesed to every single Jew. The more we internalize this message, the calmer we will feel.

Rabbi Frand recently printed a vort on the parsha that relates to your question. He writes that after Adam ate from the eitz hadaas, Hashem told him he would “return to the earth”. What Hashem was saying is that now that he violated Hashem’s commandment, he would become mortal and would eventually die. Despite the fact that we are all aware of the inevitability in life that we all die, the universal reaction when someone dies is one of shock. People age, they become infirm, they get sick. But when the moment of death happens, it is always a shock. Why is this? Rabbi Frand states that the Ramban in his Toras HaAdam explains that when Adam was first created, he was supposed to live forever. Adam’s persona encompassed all the human beings that would eventually be born in this world. Part of every human being in the world today is a remnant of that first man who was created by G-d. Therefore, part of us — deep down within our psyche — has the attitude “I am going to live forever.” When a person dies, as inevitable as that fact is, there is shock and surprise because death contradicts that part of each person who thinks “I will live forever”.

The tools outlined above take time and practice to internalize. Give yourself the patience to learn a different way of thinking.  With time it will get easier and your fears and anxieties will lessen, which will help you increase your quality of life.  Good luck on your journey.

Sarah Kahan, LMSW provides psychotherapy to individuals, couples, adolescents and their parents. She will be running a series of workshops for newly married women to strengthen their relationship. For further information please contact her at 347-764-9333 or email [email protected] .  She is also the Coordinator of the Simcha Program @ OHEL Children’s Home and Family Services. Additional information is available at http://sarahkahantherapy.com