by Rabbi Yair Hoffman for 5TJT.com
The COVID-19 pandemic has wreaked havoc in people’s health, their jobs and parnassah, and even in Shidduchim. One young lady was left in a state of limbo on account of Corona. She recently penned the following letter to Rav Yitzchok Zilberstein. What follows is his answer.
Dear Rav Zilberstein,
This past Adar, before the Corona pandemic began, I dated a young man twice and we had a greed to a third date. Then came the travel restrictions. Since the young man is from a different city, he could not travel to my where I live, nor could I travel to where he lives. And so we stood hanging and waiting.
Now that they have removed some of the restrictions we asked the Shadchan to strat up the dates again. Not knowing is something that is very difficult for me. I want to know where I stand, especially since I am a little older.
The Shadchan called back and said that the young man’s Rosh Yeshiva told him not to travel with public transportation – because that puts him in a makom sakana. He does not want to travel by taki because this is an expense of $150. And so I stand hanging in doubt. It is very hard for me. [What should I do?]
ANSWER: The shidduch should be expedited to the best of their ability. If the young man does not have the financial wherewithal to hire a taxi – then he should direct himself to the Tzedakah organization in his city to help defray the costs of the taxi.
Sources and Reasons:
It is permitted to get engaged to a woman – even on Tisha B’Av as explained in Shulchan Aruch (OC 551:2) – so another won’t get her before he does. If that is the case, then certainly in our case – all eddort should be extended to expedite the shidduc as soon as possible.
Even if there are difficulties in reaching the date Chazal tell us that a person’s shidduch is as hard as kriyas yam suf..
The Admor from Ruzhin said that every shidduch creates a remarkable simcha in shamayim – this is the reason that we see, at times, so many difficulties in a shidduch – it comes from those forces that stand against kedushah.
The Chasidic master Rav Yechezkel of Kuzmir was once asked whether to spped up a certain shidduch or to delay it, he responded, “Just like by Krias Yam Suf Hashem said, Why are you crying out to Me? Speak to the Bnei Yisroel to travel on! Rashi explains, “Now is not the time to delay in tefilos – the same is true with a Shidduch – it is not the time to delay, and it should be expedited as much as he can.
Every simcha creates Heavenly joy and an Ais Ratzon that has the capability of putting an end to this pandemic. Therefore, one should not delay. . If the young man does not have the financial wherewithal to hire a taxi – then he should direct himself to the Tzedakah organization in his city and ask them for help in hachnasas kallah – there is no greater hachnassas kallah then this – establishing another shidduch in Klal Yisroel.
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9 Responses
Seems to me the bochur is using the $150:travel expense as a way of try to buy time. If he was serious about shidduch, the $150 is a minor expense to add to the wedding costs. It is only a “major” expense if he suspects shidduch isn’t going anywhere. Girl needs a reality check. That is my psak based on the 5th chelek of Shulchan Aruch.
Why do they have to meet to date? Why can’t they date via facetime or some such other app, or just on the phone? They’ve already met twice, so they each know what the other is like in person; now they just need to get to know each other better so they can make a decision, and that can be done remotely.
People used to date long-distance by letter. This is much better than that!
you are so wrong to jump to such conclusion without knowing the boy…..
really hope you dont advise people.
[btw isnt it possible that even if the boy is not that interested [ as u assume] , but he just needs a litle push .
comment was to @ Rebbitzen Goldenpickanicerscreenname
Milhouse,
I assume they avoid internet.
Regarding dating by letter, a great author is not necessarily a great spouse.
Both you and I write well but might fail as life partners.
If this was anyone else but Rav Hoffman, I’d assume it was a left-over Purim Spiel that was deemed so silly it wasn’t worth publishing. Unless I’m missing something any bochur that would use a $150 taxi fare as an excuse to avoid meeting your for a date that might lead to a chassanah has serious problems and not worth YOUR valuable time and emotional commitment. Tell your shadchan to find someone worthy of your consideration.
Much hatzlacha and hopefully you will meet your beschert soon.
Milhouse, there’s a certain חן that exists in person that doesn’t exist electronically.
We’re talking about Israelis here, that seems like an enormous expense “Just” for a date.
Which also explains why there’s no devices to finish off the date.
TWO POINTS:
1] Mi Ka’Amcha Yisroel! Four people responded to this article with offers to pay for the transportation! I contacted the people – but the shidduch is no longer viable..
2] No one should take from this that they can date without social distancing
Yair Hoffman
Aha!
“Shidduch is no longer viable”…just as I wrote from the get go (first comment above): the $150 travel expense is just an excuse, the bochur isn’t serious about shidduch, the girl needs reality check!
Never doubt the “bina yeseira” of a woman that mastered “the 5th Chelek” of Shulchan Aruch!