If anyone has ever been exposed to any of the hugely popular energizing self-help seminars, the following descriptions come to mind….empowering, energizing, motivational, connecting, and healing (among others).
For some people, it seems like these High Holy days are much about getting in touch with ‘the feelings’ and the deep level connection ‘thing’.
It seems, there are those who will travel to the other side of the world in order to get this ‘feeling’.
Although we strive for the feeling of connection with Hashem to help us stay focused and on the right path, the problem is when the fixation becomes the ‘feeling’. In this case it may well end up becoming about us and not what it is supposed to be, which is about our relationship with Hashem.
Obviously the danger is as we see happening in many instances. The individual will get the kinesthetic feeling. They will feel uplifted and inspired, they will feel ‘connected’ but the next day or week, whenever it subsides soon after, they will go ahead and act against the Torah because the ‘feeling’ is not there anymore. Which leaves one wondering was it all in the name of getting that feeling or experience?
It is interesting to see the amount of frum clients who have come to me dealing with issues related with depression and addiction so often because of this very issue.
Recently this stood out while working with a kolel yungerman client who came to see me with an addiction / depression issue. He said at the start of the session “I wish I could be connected to Hashem ‘all the time’”.
“And you wish you could feel loved by your wife ‘all the time’, right?”
“Yes” he replied, thinking that there was a magical cure for it.
For such people, having such high expectations of what they wish that they could ‘feel’ and experience ALL the time, it is no surprise to me that they end up seeking other intense feelings elsewhere. Of course, this in turn would cause them to feel guilt, shame and worthlessness, since “if I cannot get in touch with those feelings then I am obviously not good enough”.
The fact is anyone who claims to feel connected or loved ‘all the time’ is living a delusional life. In the real world real life brings out many different emotions and feelings in people and mostly they are not lofty feelings of connection and certainly not ‘all the time’.
As an essential ingredient for well-being, it is recommended lowering ones expectations of how one thinks they should be feeling and instead get on with what we are here to do, both for these days of Awe, as well as for the rest of the year.
Obviously this article is not to say that inspiration in and of itself is not a good thing. The point is that it is simply not useful to set up one’s entire life focusing on the search for feelings, since if we would, we would inevitably be let down.
Essentially, one may wish to consider how to go about when those feelings are not readily available.
In short, feelings should be based around our values, rather than allowing feelings themselves to be our values.
Wishing you all a Gmar Chasima Toiva and a very blessed year.
Menachem Schloss sees private clients for OCD, anxiety and depression related issues in Jerusalem, Beit Shemesh and for overseas clients Via Skype.
Visit Menachem’s website here: http://www.menachemschloss.com/
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9 Responses
I heard that a Gerrer Chossid once asked his Rebbe, the Beis Yisroel, about traveling to daven by the Rebbe as it became difficult with his growing family, to which the Rebbe replied: וואו ד’האסט געזינדיגט דארט זאלסטו דאוענען
You should daven in the same place where you sinned.
I believe there’s a great depth to that. Feelings are great, but the real job is to apply it all to the day to day actions, and make a real difference.
One thing is sure: While there might be many times in the year when it’s about feelings, this time is surely not it. It’s all about changing daily actions.
Very inspiring article. I hope to read such articles here on YWN every day.
to MDshweks: i don’t fully agree with your statement that
“While there might be many times in the year when it’s about feelings, this time is surely not it. It’s all about changing daily actions.”
It is about changing actions. However, one should also feel badly about how they acted in the past, and be motivated to change based on that feeling of regret. Moreover, even if a person feels an ounce of regret, even if ultimately he doesn’t change as he thought he would, Hashem takes that into account. R Itzle writes in Kochvei Ohr that it is worth it for a person to learn mussar for his entire life if for even one instant he feels a sliver of remorse. (Of course learning mussar will have a tremendous impact on the person, in reality, but it would be worth it for that one instant.)
Yom Kippur is a time for atonement, for teshuva for our sins. Of course part of teshuva is resolving to change our actions, but the first step in teshuva is an overwhelming feeling of remorse and regret for having sinned against Hakodosh Baruch Hu. See Shaarei Teshuva, Shaar Alef.
This piece hits the nail on the head!
Some may be insulted from the underlying message, but this article displays the epitome of healthy yiddishkeit and everyday living.
afull613 wrote “the first step in teshuva is an overwhelming feeling of remorse and regret for having sinned against Hakodosh Baruch Hu. See Shaarei Teshuva, Shaar Alef.”
That depends. If the sin is something someone happened to stmble into then you are right remorse and regret is the first step. If the sin is something you stumble in regularly then the change must come before the remorse. See 1st perek of Sharai Teshuva where this is discussed in greater detail.
#3
What I said was that this is definitely a time of year that if you’re left with feelings only – you missed the point. as apposed to other times of year.
if you want to have these lofty feelings the entire year, then you must be willing to give up all your wants & desires of this world for Hashem & desire only Hashems holy presence & feeling of kedusha & with much intense work you will succeed IY”H to have this connection with HASHEM & just you,
start working on this journey, it took many years of hard labor for our gedolim to reach this high level & remove EVERY SINGLE WORLDLY DESIRE from their lives, to a life of just serving Hashem.
Its never too late to become a Gadol Hador, Rabbi Akiva started at 40, many others were sinners & baal avoda zara before they turned their lives around & even became big tzaddikim
Yungerman you seem to miss the point completely.
Gedolim do not live like that.
What you are suggesting is what the monks and priests pursue. The Torah on the other hand expects us to live normal lives. Lofty connected feelings are a bonus that we occasionally experience.
My question is how does this help for the OCD / depression sufferer?