Yeshiva World is excited to add a new section called “Ask Sarah” which will offer advice on a multitude of topics ranging from Teen Tension, Avoiding Conflicts, Marriage advice and more. Sarah Kahan LMSW offers workshops on many topics and is the coordinator for the Simcha program at Ohel. Readers are encouraged to submit questions for future articles. This featured column will be published bimonthly. Please submit questions for further articles in the comment box below or by emailing sarah@sarahkahantherapy.
Dear Sarah,
I recently got married and I noticed a growing trend of young couples divorcing after being married for a short amount of time. Can you give me some tips on how to strengthen my new relationship with my husband?
Signed, newly married
Dear Newly Married:
Mazal Tov to you and I commend you for being proactive in your marriage. Newlyweds can expect a certain number of ups and downs during their first year of marriage. There is an adjustment when you merge two lives together. Embrace the change and know that it takes work and PATIENCE! You are both responsible for contributing to the success of the marriage.
You’ve probably spent many hours deciding what kind of gown you want to wear, where to make the wedding, what flowers you want to use, what band to hire, etc. Now that the wedding is over, you can focus on other things. If you haven’t already had these kinds of discussions, make sure to talk about long-term planning and goals and what each of you wants the other to support. Discuss the division of labor within the marriage and around the house. Negotiate things like how you’re going to spend your time and discuss finances. Expect that these topics take time to work through since you are both accustomed to doing things a little differently. Together come up with a plan that you can both be excited about.
Make your relationship a sacred place. Accept the reality that your partner isn’t you and that your partner cannot fulfill all your needs. Create a porous wall around both of you and keep others out and in when appropriate. Often in relationships, couples may find it challenging to separate themselves from parents and in-laws that are too intrusive. Make the connection with your spouse your primary connection. Gently but firmly give the message to outside family members that your allegiance lies with your spouse. This usually gets easier over time.
Marriage is a partnership. Commit to each other and to your marriage from day one, and work on your relationship every day. Wake up every morning and ask yourself, “What can I do today to make my spouse’s life better?” Deal with your spouse in a way that protects and enhances his/her self-esteem. Let your spouse know that you are proud of him/her. Build a partnership of love, mutual support and commitment to each other. Have a good balance between the things you do without your spouse and make sure you are spending enough quality time together. Too much togetherness may feel smothering but too much separateness can feel cold and distant. Find the right balance that works for both of you.
When conflict arises, learn how to reflectively listen, validate and empathize. By repeating back to your spouse what was said to you, by expressing your understanding of how difficult the other spouse must feel and by putting yourself in their shoes, helps strengthen the bond. Through rupture and repair, healing can occur. Discuss how you feel about the problem and work on common understanding. The goal is to connect emotionally since emotional connection brings closeness. Don’t attack, defend, avoid, or deny since that brings emotional distance between each other.
What is more important, being right or maintaining harmony? Many problems in relationships occur because of our pride. We often want to win and sometimes insist on having the last word. Healthy relationships are built, not by winning every argument.
Every year around Rosh Hashona and Yom Kippur, the topic of forgiveness comes up. We are taught that if we want Hashem to forgive us, we are instructed to forgive others. What does real forgiveness look like? It’s when we are truly willing to forget the experience. If we forgive, but bring up the incident later on, this is not real forgiveness. When we make mistakes, just consider how much we would appreciate others forgiving and forgetting. Some find forgiving more easily than others. If you have a hard time forgiving, it might be helpful to tell your spouse “I am working on myself to learn how to forgive.”
Humor is a very powerful tool to use to keep the relationship enjoyable. Don’t take yourself too seriously and be willing to laugh at yourself. Humor can also relieve tense situations and sharing a moment of humor can often do more benefit than several hours of discussion.
Marital counseling should be considered when discussions often have a negative, accusatory, critical, or a contemptuous tone. Excessive negativity leads to a distorted perception that can affect the past, present and future relationship. Escalated conflict usually leads to one spouse tuning out the other often making it impossible to problem solve. A competent therapist can help the couple work through these issues and help the couple use more effective tools of communicating and connecting to each other in a more meaningful way.
Shana Rishona is a very special time in your life. Enjoy every moment of it and I wish you lots of luck on your journey together.
Sarah Kahan, LMSW provides psychotherapy to individuals, couples, adolescents and their parents. She will be running a series of workshops for newly married women to strengthen their relationship. For further information please contact her at 347-764-9333 or email [email protected] . She is also the Coordinator of the Simcha Program @ OHEL Children’s Home and Family Services. All calls and emails are kept strictly confidential.
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10 Responses
HaGaon HaRav Avigdor Miller zt’l (and many other Gedolim) repeatedly said: “Divorce” (and “Get”) is a dirty word. It should never be uttered in a marriage. Spouses shouldn’t even joke about it.
HaRav Avigdor Miller zt’l and many other Gedolim also said that 99+% of divorces in the frum community were avoidable and unnecessary and should not have happened. Divorce should be avoided unless every other conceivable alternative has been considered, tried and exhausted. And that is very rare.
Toraseinu hakdoshah already discusses this issue. According to Beis Shamai a man is not permitted to divorce his wife unless he finds that she was immoral; Beis Hillel says that even if she burned his food one may divorce her. Rebbi Akiva says even if one finds someone prettier than her, this too is sufficient reason for divorce. (last mishna in meseches gittin)
Of course we don’t pasken like all three of these shitose, but these are three Torah-true views on divorce. We should not try to impose our modernish views on the original Torah perspective and halacha.
M #3: Good point. Rav Avigdor Miller points out that the reason the Torah doesn’t allow a woman to give a divorce is because otherwise women would be too quick to divorce. Whereas men are more deliberative. So only a man may divorce.
m,
theres a pshat that the underlying reason for those shitos is love
if you loved each other then she wouldnt cheat on him, he wouldnt care if the soup got burnt, and he wouldnt find someone better looking than her (im talking abt emesdik love, not infatuaration)
Thank you YWN, that is be an added asset to the site.
While staying together is always preferable, especially when there are children involved, its somewhat absurd to suggest that 99 percent of divorces among frum couples are avoidable and unnecessary and should not have happened”. Given that many of these couples were married when they were still “children”, its not surprising that in many cases there are irreconcilable differences that don’t show up until years later. Putting aside the issue of abuse, which sadly has become too frequent and an unquestionable reason for a divorce, there are a growing number of cases where the wife decides she wants to pursue a college education and a career outside the home which is fundamentally difficult to reconcile with a bochur who wants only to sit in kollel and learn 24×7. In these types of cases, its clear that divorce is the best option. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, the world has changed since Rav Miller and other rabbonim formed their views about family stability.
P.S. Any if anyone still holds like Beis Shamai as quoted above and believes that a man should be able to divorce his wife for burning the chulent or if he finds the mikvah lady to be more attractive, you would probably be laughed out of the beis din before you had a chance to argue your case.
M . Are you divorced for some immature reason???? For shalom bayis, one is even allowed to lie a little just so that one doesn’t argue. But… The aseres hadibros says no lying. Acording to you eveyone has the right to get divorced. your unbelievable.. feel bad you…
Some comments above ignore realities but instead speak in terms of who said what.. A couple may have have good reasons for divorce which the public isn’t , nor should it be, aware of.Divorce is not pleasant nor easy but the Torah reluctantly permits it.
There are very rare cases where divorce was nebech necessary. But the vast majority of divorces were entirely avoidable.