We are living in perhaps the most difficult tekufah, in terms of raising children, in Jewish history.
The street is beckoning, technology is very tempting, the yetzer hara is all around us, and for young children and teenagers, there are so many obstacles to overcome.
Yet we, the parents and grandparents of our precious children and grandchildren, are compounding the problem to a great degree.
I refer here to the burgeoning problem of alcohol abuse.
In my nearly 35 years of work in the world of chinuch,
I have never seen the absolute hefkerus and total disregard for norms when it comes to alcohol.
This is particularly rampant in the Orthodox Jewish community.
As parents, we become nearly hysterical before Purim as to what will happen to our dear yingelach over this yomtov.
We call the yeshivos, we scream, we demand, we insist, we cry out for help and beg our institutions to control the consumption of alcohol by our children.
We have every right to worry and we have every right to care. Our children’s lives are at stake.
We must remember, however, the old adage: “children follow what we do, not what we tell them.”
Children will always follow the example of their parents.
I vividly remember a commercial that used to play on radio many years ago, where a deep voice would ask a number of children: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” The children would invariably answer: “I want to be a policeman just like daddy.” “I want to be a doctor just like daddy.” “I want to be a lawyer just like daddy.” And finally, “I want to be a fireman just like daddy.” And then the deep voice would resonate with one question addressed to all of us out there, listening to the commercial:
“Daddy, do you smoke?”
End of advertisement.
To a large degree the campaign against smoking has had a dramatic effect.
Daddys have mostly stopped smoking. And teenagers have stopped smoking. It’s not perfect but I venture to guess that when I was a teenager at least 70-90% of yeshiva bochurim were smoking. Today, if there are 10%, it’s a lot.
Why are we not worried about alcohol?
Why are we abusive when it comes to alcohol?
Why don’t we care about our wives’ feelings when it comes to alcohol?
There are so many shalom bayis issues when it comes to alcohol, yet these same people have no problem demanding of yeshivos to stop the drinking.
I want to state unequivocally that the overwhelming majority of kids who abuse alcohol grow up in homes and shuls where drinking is rampant.
There was a Kiddush recently in a shul in our area that included tables bedecked with fancy displays of the most expensive types of whiskey and bourbon. Johnny Walker Blue didn’t hold a candle to these expensive drinks. Kids were standing around watching their parents sample and drink from every conceivable type of bottle, mamesh like the seuda of Achashveirosh in his time. Unfortunately this is commonplace, all over the New York metropolitan area.
What is wrong with us?
It is time to make a very strong statement once and for all.
And please don’t start with the yeshivos. We are very minor players. We certainly have more to do when it comes to alcohol control.
I know we are trying; perhaps not enough.
But a school can only reinforce character development that a child was raised with by his parents. If you, the parent, gets drunk every Shabbos, please don’t come ask me for help with your child.
It is time to stop the total excess of alcohol. Should a baal simcha put out one bottle at a simcha so that people can make Kiddush or a l’chayim?
Perhaps. I am not in favor of Prohibition or yet another ban in our communities.
But I am begging you, the parents, to get serious on this topic.
Demand of your friends and of your batei medrashim – and then, of your yeshivos – to stop alcohol abuse once and for all.
And please, control liquor at weddings. As far as I’m concerned the flowing alcohol that we find at our chasunos are a “bor birshus harabim.”
How many more children have to die, Rachmana litzlan, or be maimed in car accidents because of drinking?
How can we allow young men to drink to their hearts’ content at shalom zachars, creating terribly uncomfortable situations?
And beer is no better. It is as terrible as expensive liquor.
Enough!
I am not a person who believes in any extremes. Extremes are unhealthy.
But we are near the brink of disaster with alcohol.
(Printed with premission from Rabbi Bender)
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26 Responses
Isn’t it great that you guys at YWN have recently added a weekly wine feature
Very true. There was “Simcha Guidlines” that was put out a number of years ago. That was going to be the end all, game changer, new sheriff in town, etc… It turned out to be one big joke! Many of the signators, themselves broke every rule that was in it! With all due respect to the Rabbi, when the leaders of our “Mosdos” keep caving in to the rich (so I can do what I want!)Baalabatim & go to their Simchas where they are serving Schnappes & other Fresseru and say NOTHING – WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?! Shlomo Hamelech told us Kesef Yaneh es Hakol! There is a lot more that’s going on here but I was told to hush & sweep it under the carpet! Nu nu
Another very very scary subject nowa days which I bet will only get worse if it doesn’t get better. Is scratch off lottery tickets. I see so many even young, middle, and even a little older age men stand in convenient store and scratch tickets and wait for the winning number to come. They think that is how you get rich. It come from aggravating and being desperate and then they become addicted. But no one recognize is it as a problem it.
Sfasaim yishak meishiv devarim nechochim!
at least there’s no Miller Lite ad here 🙂
Seriously- it’s a big problem and I would be happy to see it being addressed by all of our rabbis so that alcohol, and it’s proper use becomes somewhat transparent vs taboo in our society.
Jokingly- anyone else think its great that the rabbis name is bender?
I have noticed the increase of expensive liquor at kiddishes but that has little to do with alcoholism. Alcoholism is a compulsive behavior where people enjoy getting drunk and can’t stop it. Generally these people drink also in their houses.
One or two or even three l’chaims are considered the limit. If a person is always passing this limit, he/she should realize that the red line is being passed.
That people enjoy tasting expensive drinks, well, there is a novelty in trying the ‘taste’ of the best. It is just narishkeit in a growing gashmiestic frum world that needs a small tikun.
Is this limited to America? Americans are infamous world wide for alcohol abuse by adolescents. If yeshiva kids are acting like college kids, the problem is to cut back immitating the goyim. I don’t believe the problem is observed among frum Jews elsewhere, or even by the more “fanatical” (and less Americanized) elements of American hareidim. Perhaps trying to cut back on internet, television, etc., would help.
When rabbi bender says something, it should be listened to.
We have two separate serious problems on our hands:
Social pressures to spend money and alcohol abuse
Each needs a solution, and some solutions for one problem may make the other problem worse.
Cheaper alcohol is more likely to be abused, but high end bottles create social pressure to spend.
Much admiration and respect to R. Bender yet we must take a STRONGER STANCE.
There are some excellent videos about alcohol abuse, one produced by a family in Baltimore who’s son died from substance abuse. These videos MUST be shown to boys starting in grade 7, when the barmitzvah season begins.
EXPOSURE to the dangers and knowledge of what alcohol does to the body will go a long way in proper education.
Good luck but the real problem is more then what you r preaching
Yes we do have the shabbos drunk. And yes it had gotten worse in recent years
But in many cases the firty secrete is they are learning it in yeshiva and isreal
I nor my wife smoke or drink and never have my sons picked it up in isreal Alcohol is cheap and plentiful and the yeshivas seemed to turn a blind eye
#2 seems to have a clear grasp of the situation. Let’s just stick to learning Torah and doing mitzvos. Some people will always exercise their free will in a manner that bothers someone else these days. Perhaps we should try to be less bothered by what the other guys are doing and spend more time focusing on ourselves, our families and our specific students. One locale shouldn’t be legislating for the entire Bnei Yisroel. Maybe a local council or shul somewhere needs to consider their practices, but many don’t need to be worked into hysterics by something happening elsewhere.
the rabbi is so right. i am a rebbi and a parent and am shocked where this is going. rabbi bender says that he feels that the yeshiva is a small player. this might be true in charachter building but i promise that if the rosh hayeshiva says unequivacally that he will not preside or not dance by a chasuna that has drinking present IT WILL STOP BY CHASUNAS which as of now is the defacto place where the talmid gets a wink from the hanhala that it is acceptable behavior. I have warned my talmidim that if they drink or are drunk, i will not dance with them and it works
There was a discussion recently in the CR about kiddush clubs. I am embarrassed to say this, but there is one in my shul. I have tried very hard to put an end to it, with no success. The Rav of the shul feels that there will be worse sholom bayis issues at home, if these guys do not get their fix in shul as opposed to at home after davening. I don’t agree with that position, for many reasons….
I guess my post could not make it past the Thought Police because I dared to speak some truth. Well, I’ll try again.
Rabbonim, Stop kissing up to the rich people if you are REALLY serious about the problems in our community.
Yanky55 I never could understand people with your mindset. Why would adults having kiddish club bother you so much that you would want to put an end to it? If you don’t like it don’t join why do you need to force your morals on other people? If it were teenagers we are talking about that’s one thing but its not they are adults not hurting or disturbing anyone is it jealousy? Just what is it?
Has anyone observed this problem among non-Americans (e.g. among British Jews, or Canadian Jews, or French Jews or among Israelis other than American immgrants or tourists)? Has anyone observed this among the strictly frum (i.e. the kids with beard and peos in places such as Williamsburg and Monsey), or only among the most “modern” yeshiva kids?
Thank you Rabbi Bender. As a community, we need to act.
I want to respond to #4. Clearly, you are either not aware of the depth of the problem or you are naive in the extreme to think that “drinking a bit too much Shabbos morning has not been proven to harm anyone”.
Let me tell you a story. There was once a respected ba’al ha’bus, involved in shul matters and various other tzorchai tzibbur. He was a kind, considerate, responsible and thoughtful man; a very capable administrator who would do anything for others and for his family. He enjoyed the shul kiddush on shabbos (he claimed that his drinking started in his youth) and he generally was able to manage it–after a cup of vodka, he would walk home and conduct the seuda with zemiros with even more zest than otherwise. Over the years, his shabbos fix just was not cutting the cheese and he would come home from work and “hit the bottle”. After about 30 years of a drinking addiction, it became harder for him to hide the impact of the drinking. He was fired from his well-paying job and his mind and body were complete wrecks. He couldn’t remember things that he had done a short while earlier and he fainted a number of times in shul. His family stepped in to try to send him to rehab, but as the family was to find out, in order for rehab to work, a patient has to want to get better and to recognize his illness. The man today, lives a pitiful existence. He refuses to get help and his family refuses to support him as an addict. He misses family smachos, his wife, children and grandchildren, is an irresponsible person and is a shadow of his former self. The man is my uncle. Please people, wake up and have the talk with your shul executive. Appoint a responsible “Sar Hamashkim” to control the flow of wine and whiskey. Limit the number of bottles that can be brought to a simcha. Have the Rabbonim talk about it from the pulpit. What happened to my uncle can and will happen again if we do not act.
Someone speaks the truth! Kol HaKavod HaRav Bender!
Thank You Rabbi Bender
I just hope the next TOPIC would be “NOT TALKING by DAVENING!!!
It is so out of control!!!!
In my shutl, the on single bottle of single malt making the rounds each Kurdish is firmly in the hands of the Sar Hamashkim who makes sure its imbibed responsibly and by adults.
Akuperma, I believe that the problem is not limited to here in the USA but is far worse here than elsewhere I’ve visited. I can bear witness however, in the past, to a drinking problem by some youths associated with Lubavitch in Australia.
Let me preface that Harav Bender Shlita is a very practical person and is almost always on the mark and on point. In all forums he is consistent on his chinch messages as well as his great Chavas Daas and Daas Torah. Having said that I disagree with his take on Alcohol abuse in the frum kehilla. As a long time Hatzolah member and active in askonus his message is not at all based on fact in the general frum community. Unless there was a specific incident in the Far Rockaway community of which we are not aware of, drunk driving has never been an issue in the orthodox community. This is not to say that it has not occurred but definitely not in gloom and doom essay published by YWN in Harav Benders name. In ALL my years in Hatzolah i have NEVER pulled a dead person or even horribly injured person from an MVA that was frum and drunk. Nor have most of my colleagues. Purim has been an issue which was tackled and continues to be worked on by yeshivas and askonim and b”h is getting better but again no major accidents to speak of. More tragedy has befallen us by simple texting during driving. There are very serious issues facing the orthodox community but to say that alcohol has reached epidemic levels is making mockery of way more serious issues facing us. Please don’t take this as someone preaching that there should be more alcohol at kideishim or haimishe simchos. Im definitely not. What i am saying is the words used in the article that alcohol is being rampantly abused in the Orthodox community is false. Period. The orthodox community should be proud and stand tall that this issue has not been allowed to be prevalent in the community along with drugs and other vices as it has in so many other communities. This is not to say that there aren’t problems but nothing along the lines that this essay is attempting to make us believe.
Again i want to reiterate that Harav Bender is definitely a tzaddik and hashem should repay him for all his hard work for the klal but please refrain from using a populist tool on a subject that does not deserve it. I have yet to see an essay with such strong words in regard to Abuse etc
Eric55- I am NOT looking to impose morals on anyone. I believe that walking out of the shul during the Haftorah to drink, is a chillul Hashem of the highest order and sends a terrible message to the youngsters who all know it goes on.
Response to #23:
The reason that you don’t see it as a hatazolo member is because it is because it is indeed rare in our community that someone imbibes so much at one time to require immediate medical attention. Further, as much of the drinking occurs on shabbos, there is little concern for drinking and driving –people drink and go to sleep.
No –there is definitely a problem –and I am not just saying this because of what happened to my uncle-see my comment at #19. I see this at numerous shuls on a weekly basis. The other week, I was at a shalom zachor in a normal shul (diverse crowd of people from different points on the spectrum of orthodoxy) where young men in their 20s were drinking like no tomorrow. I was so perturbed –people were walking around with beer bottles in their hands as if they were in a bar-not a bais medrash.
The problem is insidious and typically will take a long time to manifest itself–over the course of time, relationships are ruined, and health deteriorates. As a hatzolo member, you probably don’t see the cases of diabetes and cirrhosis –these get diagnosed by doctors and are chronic problems commonly brought about by alcoholism. You probably don’t encounter the 60 year olds who are walking around in bodies of 80 year olds after years of abuse. And when C”V an otherwise unknown alcoholic is a heart attack victim or gets yennah machla, you don’t automatically attribute it to drinking.
I suspect that the issue is more prominent than you think–most people (both the alcoholic and the family) are embarrassed by the sickness and will do much to conceal it. In times or yore, it was indeed very uncommon for this issue to plague yidden. Drinking was a problem for others outside our community-and which one of us wanted to be like them–who would live for the opportunity to visit the tavern and get drunk. While it is not on that level, we need to be concerned with the reality in our times that the incentive “not to be like one of them” has eroded. Thank you again Rabbi Bender for speaking up.
Shuls can start by only allowing shnapps with a valid “hechsher” not just that its on a “list”. This has a number of merits
1-Its not a blanket takana against alchohol.
2-It will remove the problem of overspending & outdoing the next person or “keeping up with the Cohens.”
3-Its not as “cool” to drink schnaps with a hechsher on the bottle as it is to drink $150/bottle single malts-thereby lessening the attraction of drinking more than a shot to say l’chaim.
4-The chances of buying schnaps with kashrus issues & relying on heterim (ie sherry caskets & chometz sh’avar alav hapesach) will be altogether avoided raising the standard of kashrus at least at the shul kiddush.