On Friday YWN published a letter from an individual regarding the thousands of people stranded without flights to get to their Pesach hotels at various locations. The following is a response from a hard working mother in Monsey.
(It should be noted that YWN has received a followup letter from the original letter-writer who confirmed that he penned his letter while sitting at the pool at one of the most expensive Pesach programs available.)
Dear YWN:
This is the first time I’ve ever responded to something on YWN like this, but your letter crossed a painful line. The ache I experienced while reading it prompted me to write back, to explain to you just how wrong and possibly, blinded, you are.
I’m a young wife and mother. I would love to go to a hotel for pesach, because of all the wonderful memories I have of the ones I went to in my youth. We are not going, because we can’t afford it. Just like I don’t buy my children $90 Vennetini shoes, or lease a brand new car. We do what we can afford, and that’s it. THIS IS THE POINT THAT YOU HAVE MISSED.
Your letter was so absurd, I am appalled that YWN even printed it.
How dare you attack what you’ve never experienced?! Exactly what kind of vision do you possess that allows you to judge others from on high? You mention how they should “enjoy a beautiful and uplifting seder around their very own, plain, boring dining room tables.” How do you know what’s going on in other people’s homes??? Have you ever experienced any yom tov meal at my parents house when I was growing up? It was not beautiful. It was not uplifting. It was pure gehinom.
Both my parents were unable to handle any stress well, and the yom tov season would always exacerbate it. Every yom tov seudah ended up with my mother crying in her room, my father yelling, us kids eating food from the blech quickly and then running from the table to distract ourselves from the emotional pain. The year we started going to Pesach hotels, we experienced, for the first time, “a beautiful and uplifiting seder.” My parents did not yell. Not at each other, or at us. We were surrounded by so many warm, loving people, for eight days. We had a constant source of ruchniyus inspiration, in the form of speeches for my parents, and work-shops for us teens. I grew more during those hotel stays than from any hashkafa class I had in highschool. The spiritual high we left the hotel with carried us over for months.
And you dare say that you would be thrilled if my family had missed our flight??!?!?
I understand that not every family is like mine was. But not every family is taking out loans to cover their hotel stay either.
There was a very sharp point to be made here, and unfortunately, it seems you have missed it completely. Don’t worry yourself about it; I’ll make it for you:
People need to stop spending money on things they can’t afford. That’s all there is to it.
I needed Yom Tov shoes for my six year old daughter, and poked my head into the PACKED Jewish shoe store to see what I could find. The cheapest shoe was $75. And the place was mobbed. The children’s clothing store next door was not much better. Outfits with matching accessories cost well over $100 per outfit, and usually much more than that. Every young couple that I know is amazed that we are driving cars that are between 10 and 15 years old. “Isn’t it inconvenient to always have car repairs to deal with?” they ask. “Just lease a new car!”. Yes it is inconvenient. But we do what we can afford. We don’t have a Bugaboo, or an Uppababy. I wash my own shaitel and am painting my own house.
I can easily write an ecstatic letter to the editor every time a family misses their train to one of the Jewish concerts, or whenever someone crashes their leased car. Or when a woman loses her brand new $4,000 shaitel, or, when one of the new travel sleepaway camps cancels on my neighbor’s teen daughter… Home extensions, weekly manicures, $400 ladies shoes, nauseatingly extravagant weddings… the list can go on and on.
But I seem to have the common sense to understand that if you can afford something, it’s your choice whether or not to go for it, and often the choice is made for very right reasons- reasons that nobody else can understand. And if you can’t afford something, then you shouldn’t be doing it…not until you can.
That’s all there is to it. To the original letter-writer, I give you a Bracha that you should have real clarity, and the ability to honestly look within yourself. Uproot any jealous tendencies that are masked in “leshaim shamayim”, allow acceptance and open-mindedness into your heart, and let yourself see the larger picture, so you may help the people who need it, in the right way.
Wishing EVERYBODY an uplifting, spiritual, happy, beautiful, warm and close-knit pesach.
Anonymous (hard-working mother) in Monsey NY
NOTE: The views expressed here are those of the authors and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of YWN.
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27 Responses
EVERYONE IS NUTS
We should all be donating at least as much for moes hittin (מעות חיטין) as we spending ourselves. If some rich dudes want to take off from picking up the tabs for hundred of Bnei Torah for their Pesach expenses, and need a vacation from funding various yeshivos and tsadakkah, they are certainly entitled to go to a fancy hotel for Pesach.
I personally detest the idea of Pesach hotels, but they are an option for some people that really need them. I can retell many stories of families I know that absolutely needed to go away. Some cases are elderly couples, others are dealing with illness in their family that makes it impossible to prepare for Pesach at home, and even other stories of families in crisis for whom Pesach hotels became a turnaround. The bottom line is that these broad generalizations about what is good for Klal Yisroel should not be coming from us individuals. We think far too much of ourselves, and are struggling to judge someone else from their own vantage point. Until I am standing in their shoes, I cannot possibly know the details of what is happening in their lives.
Lastly, I only scanned the original letter quickly. But the very title is frightening message. It is best translated as, “I disagree with what you wanted, and am happy you got into trouble over it.” Would that same statement be made Erev Yom Kippur, when we need to have a clear slate בין אדם לחבירו? I doubt it. Well, it is not acceptable the rest of the year either.
I can accept that a Pesach hotel is not for me. But I lack the ability to make such sweeping condemnations for others. I am glad there are such options, and hope that they serve their patrons well, ברוחניות ובגשמיות.
well said!
I read both articles and I must say neither one is totally correct or totally wrong. Please let me explain. I head a large family Bilee Ayin Hora. We are poor. Soo poor that I end up borrowing money every few weeks to put food on the table. I work a blue collar job (more than 40 hrs a week) and have NO vacation what so ever. I am forced by my (frum!) boss to work chol hamoed AGAINST MY WILL. My children ask me every year why cant we EVER go anywhere. my classmate went here chol hamoed, this one went to a hotel, this one went to the country for the summer. We never do anything as a family. My answer is we can’t I have to work. Does it hurt. Yes it does. Anyone that is not in our matziv cannot understand. The man in the hotel cvant understand, and I don’t understand what it’s like to be in his shoes either. When you are poor, you can’t hire tutors for your kids, so they don’t go to the better yeshivas (if they get in at all), there are no vacations in the country, shidduchim are a struggle, then paying for the chasuna is another thing. Can’t support an aidim in Kollel, Have to borrow money just for gas to get to work. When you say good shabbos to a rich person in shul they sometimes don’t answer. The Rav dosn’t weigh your opinion like those of his financial supporters. You basically don’t exist. It’s difficult to understand for us poor people who can’t make ends meat and are treated like garbage, the nisoyonos of those that live high on the hog. Then again we havn’t been where they are either.
Good people like this are hard to come by these days.
Thank you for showing me there are still REAL people out there.
“But I seem to have the common sense to understand that if you can afford something, it’s your choice whether or not to go for it, and often the choice is made for very right reasons- reasons that nobody else can understand”.
There is NO reason or excuse for over-the-top extravagance. There is NO place in our community, religion or lifestyle for it.
REMEMBER why we are in this world.
“NO excuse”, includes the lack of dealing with stress or neighborly pressure, as you deemed excusable.
You have stress issues? Identity crisis?
Fix it.
Go to a therapist.
Learn a mussar or chassidus sefer.
You may be able to afford today’s extravagance, today’s cars, hotels, clothing etc. But if you don’t solve your complexities, you wont be able to afford tomorrows extravagances because they are always growing, expanding and becoming more and more ridiculous.
There is NO excuse.
as long as you didnt steal from anybody
nobody and i mean nobody has the right to tell you what you should spend on and how much charity to give and to whom to give
if i can afford to spend its my business and no one elses
that being said
people who receive charity whether in the form of a loan or outright charity have a responsibility
it does bother me that when a person in my shule is making a wedding and a collection is made
and i give whole heartedldy
it bothers me when i see this same person take the family to orlando for pesach
maybe im wrong but im only human
to no 5
i totally empathize with you ive been there. you should remember that hashem chose you of all people in this world to endure your specific situation because he believes you have the ability to rise to the challenge whereas others dont have that ability. when your situation seems tough think of the compliment from the greatest of all powers-hashem himself- and how much he values your ability! this is a concept that works for me and gets me trough my tough times. much hatzlacha!
Interesting. Everyone thinks they are the baal habus on hardships & challenges. It says that if you put everyones peckel (of tzaros) in the middle of a room and they can see the emmes hadvorim, they would run & grab their very own peckel. We have to be maaymin. Mir darf michazeckzyn in Betachon. This is one of the main themes of Pesach. There is no need for vitriol/jealousy/aggravation/sarcasm on either side of this issue.
The ikar sach is, all of Kllal Yisroel, wherever they may find themselves, should have an uplifting and michuzadicka Yom Tov.
Ah gutten Yom Tov to all.
To #7, chochom ibber
You sound a bit extreme. Such harsh words…pesach hotels work beautifully for some people, and if theyre not using other people’s money, what do you care? And to say there is no place for extravagance in this world is also not so accurate. There were many of our chachamim who were extrememly rich, and spent their riches.
Im forgetting who it was- one of them ate in gold dishes that were replaced with each meal.
Are you telling me your wife has a synthetic shaitel or did she spend extra to purchase 100% human hair? Does she only have 1, or 2 plus a fall? Does she buy your kids clothing and shoes in department stores, or frum boutiques? Do you clean your home yourself or do you hire cleaning help? Do you keep all 8 of your kids in 2 bedrooms, israeli style or would you chas v’shalom dare to make a gashmiyusdik extension?
Seriously, just stop.
This letter is way too long with too many obvious points. The first letter might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever read for obvious reasons. Ywn come on why do you post this nonsense? Also maybe you should look at non jewish stores like marshalls etc for shoes.
So well said.
Answer to #5 – You are to be commended for working to make an honest living. You should be a model for EVERYONE (including k’lei kodesh & Kollel yungeleit) not to want what you can’t afford.I wish more of us would be mesameach b’chelko! There would be a lot less exhibitionism in flaunting our treasures! A Gut YomTov to Klal Yisroel.
The hard-working Monsey mother has provided a partial answer to the question I asked in a comment to the letter to which she has responded, i.e., why do people go away for Pesach, and is it appropriate? It is regrettable that Pesach at home was too stressful for her parents, and I am glad they found a way to observe the holiday that her family could enjoy.
The stress brings me to another question: have the rabbis’ interpretations of how to observe the mitzvah of Pesach set the bar too high for some of us, so that the stress of cleaning out the chometz destroys the nachas of the holiday? And what about the stressed women and men who cannot afford the Pesach hotel? One of my rabbis says that being Jewish is expensive, but perhaps we should find ways to make it less so.
A simple comment. What is terrible for one person is a G-d sent gift to another. The very concept of setting the bar implies generalization. Rabbi AJ Twerski once quipped and described the Ten Commandments, having stopped at number 10, but that the next one might have read, “Thou shall not generalize.”
huju: One of the major points of expense (not including matza) is buying far more then what a family actually needs. For example, if a family uses 10 cans of tuna fish a week why are they buying 30 cans for pesach? One way to think about pesach is to write the list for next year when pesach is finished this year. We used 6 cans of potato starch, 40 lbs of potatos, 20 dozen eggs etc. This way the person has some idea what they will need the following year. In addition, just because a new cookbook came out doesn’t mean you have to buy it, You cooked for 8-10 days last year without it why do you need it now?
(It should be noted that YWN has received a followup letter from the original letter-writer who confirmed that he penned his letter while sitting at the pool at one of the most expensive Pesach programs available.)
Not sure whether to laugh or cry.
When one is sitting by the pool and others are up till all hours of the night cleaning kashering cooking baking some feel resentful – especially when there’s hardly any money to dress the kids and put food on the table. That’s life one owns buildings one can’t pay their rent. The end of the day I still feel as hard as it is there is nothing like sitting at your own seder table serving delicious food and spending family time.
#5 I really feel your pain even though I dont truly understand you! Wether I agree with this general letter is not the point. This is a well written letter with a opinion even a strong minded one but it comes out nice. Fridays opinion was so nasty eehhhh i am still recovering.
On a similar note , it hurts me to see people smoke and collect tzedaka for themselves . For smoking that becomes more expensive by the day (the extremely high taxes on it to encourage quitting ), he justifies crying poverty to feed his family!!! Let him quit and he will have to feed his family without outside dependency!!!
You’ve got to be kidding. YWN, you are either super gullible or you are trying to stir up controversies.
The most expensive hotels were not open Friday. No one was sitting by the pool. Maybe the hotels were open in Europe, but they are not as expensive as American programs.
You are either lying that it was written by someone sitting at a pool, or stupid enough to believe a liar.
YWN, I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but I don’t think you’re doing it.
huju
i spent many years working in Pesach hotels & watching all the lavish food with all the entertainment that comes with it for the price you pay to join.
but today they are just pushing it, there is almost no sign of kedushas yom tov, people are just partying, is that the way to spend 10 days of yom tov when its really set aside for Hashem?
after many years of working in hotels the most important thing i learnt is “THERE IS STILL NOTHING LIKE MAKING & SPENDING PESACH AT HOME WITH YOUR FAMILY”
looking forward to doing it again this year
have a chag kasher v’sameach everyone
– See more at: http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/news/mailbag/1252753/mailbag-why-i-am-thrilled-that-people-are-stranded-in-airports-heading-to-pesach-hotels.html#comments
(It should be noted that YWN has received a followup letter from the original letter-writer who confirmed that he penned his letter while sitting at the pool at one of the most expensive Pesach programs available.)
Is this for real?!
Tell me this isn’t the editor’s sense of humour, or written at the beginning of the 2nd writer’s email!
Coveting, much? Chag Kasher V Sameyach. 🙂
The entire issue is that YWN chose to publish an irrelevant, subjective, judgmental letter that in no way may be construed as news.
You couldn’t have said it better