B. The Solution

I wouldn’t have painted such a sad picture if I felt that this was an insolvable situation. On the contrary, with an understanding of how and why we do the things we do, combined with a commitment to be objective about ourselves and our families, anyone can change, and change dramatically.

The process involves several steps:

Step One – Commitment

The first step is to make a serious personal commitment to change. This isn’t as easy as it seems. There are old habits that need to be changed. People can’t change unless they believe they can, that they deserve to change and that they deserve to be happy. However, many insecure people believe that they don’t deserve to change. (remember they are insecure) and it’s not going to be easy.

I usually wait until the people tell me that they’re so unhappy that anything is better than what they’re presently feeling. Although they say “anything,” they often don’t mean it. After a few minutes the conversation usually veers to how their spouse is the problem and “why should I do things for him/her? Let him/her change.” When they become serious about initiating change, we can go on to the next step.

One of the most difficult things, and this usually takes the insecure person by surprise, is the amount of self reflection that is necessary. People who are secure have no problem seeing their own faults. To insecure people, seeing their own faults can be crushing. To them being a good person means perfection. Self reflection doesn’t help people feel that they are perfect or even close to it. “Are you really so unhappy that anything will be better than what’s happening now?”

Often insecure people need someone to work with them. How resistant the person is to change will determine whether they can succeed with just a friend, or whether they’ll need someone more experienced. Since we’re talking about self reflection, it’s time to be honest. All individuals must ask themselves to what extent they’ll need help.

What’s really important to remember is that becoming confident takes a lot of hard work. In addition, most of the work must come from the individuals themselves. Other people can coach and/or cheer for the person. Keep this in mind before beginning this project. If individuals are not willing to go the whole way, it may make sense to stay miserable a little while longer, until they truly believe that anything is better than what they’re feeling. Failing once makes people less willing to try again.

In addition to believing that they don’t deserve better, many people with a poor self image believe they’re incapable of making things better. Therefore, the last piece to think about before making a commitment is to be proactive. This means that when one is confronted with a problem, one must take the necessary steps to correct it. Many people will simply wait and wallow in self pity. Two of the common reactions are; “I have tried and failed. Others are responsible for helping me.”

Insecure individuals also feel that the world owes them something. Although they’ve never really put thought into who exactly is “the world,” they vaguely believe that others should come and save them. As a result of these two points, 1) not deserving better and 2) waiting for others to help them, they avoid, proactively, working on improving their lives.

Therefore the person must make a commitment and say, “I deserve better and I can make my life better. Yes, I can lean on others for support but it’s up to me. If I don’t call the people who can help me change my life and keep looking for different approaches to improve my life, then I have only myself to blame.” People lacking self esteem never call me again. Even if they do call, they hardly ever leave a message. It’s only from others that I hear that they’re disappointed that I didn’t call them.

To be proactive means to be willing to solve the problem. I’ve discussed this in the past and will give only an overview of this subject. Some points are fully relevant to our discussion; others are less relevant.

1.    The first step in taking charge of ones life is to allow oneself to “stress out”. For most people this is normal and expected. Whatever caused the problem was either real or only an inconvenience, but it’s still something with which most people are not happy.

2.    The second step is to get a grip on oneself. It’s very important to realize that one has much more control of one’s life than one can imagine. This control can be used in one of three ways. Let’s assume that you had an appointment to meet with friends at the mall. You thought you had a car available. At the last minute you realized that no car was available. You now have a choice of three levels of control. You can either:

a)   Fix the problem entirely. For instance, if you can’t get the car you wanted, you can try to find an alternative and still get to the mall;

b)   If another car is not available you can create an acceptable alternative. For instance, if you can’t get to the mall on time, you can call, apologize, and/or make an alternative arrangement;

c)    Recognize that you at least had control of your reaction to the situation. (if the above two were not possible and you weren’t able to calm your friends).

3.    Once you’ve determined which of the three approaches will work for you, you go into a problem solving mode. You must focus on what you can do.

a)   The first stage is to pinpoint the problem. There are several sub-stages to this:

o      Make sure that you stay rational and don’t generalize your problem (which I refer to as “going vague”). Thinking “I missed the bus” is easy to deal with. “Things never work out for me” is not. At least you recognize that you are going vague. Going vague makes the problem greater than your ability to solve it. Instead, go rational and get a grip on what the problem really is. Say to yourself, “I am worried that…” (finish the sentence with something specific.) Once you’ve done that, the problem can be “touched” and therefore solved.

o      Going rational allows you to assess what’s really happening. Every problem is finite. A problem can translate into money such as $5, $10 or even $1,000. Some problems can be translated into time such as hours, days, or weeks.

o      Get a grip on yourself and think about the magnitude of the problem. Only then can you continue in a problem solving mode. I’ve received calls from hysterical clients and after listening to 20 minutes of how things will never “work out,” I say to them, “It sounds like this is a $7 car service and/or going to sleep 15 minutes later, type of problem. Is that what it is, or am I missing something?” There’s usually a pause and then, “I guess you’re right”. Sometimes they’re relieved; other times they’re disappointed that, when being objective, the solution appears to be very simple.

b)   The second stage is considering whether the problem is something that has to be worried, or be concerned, about today. The difference between worry and concern is that worry applies to something that cannot be dealt with now and concern applies to something that can be dealt with now.

o      A week after Succos, a teenager who couldn’t go home for Shabbos because of family problems, asked me where he should go for Chanukah vacation and I told them that I didn’t know. He is looking for a favor from a family now, to put him up. Therefore, it’s too early to deal with the vacation problem. This doesn’t mean that it’s not a real problem. However, since there are too many unknowns, the Chanukah vacation falls under the category of worry and not concern. Until the time comes to deal with it, its status is that of a non issue.

c)    The third stage is deciding whether or not the problem should be resolved at this moment. Ineffective problem solvers will worry about things they cannot deal with and ignore those things that they have to deal with immediately.

o      Find someone with experience with whom to discuss your problem and possible solutions.

o      Learn from your past. With thought, you’ll realize you’ve previously seen most problems in one form or another.

d)   The fourth stage is to remember that you’ve probably dealt with most of the problems in the past. Just as you shouldn’t be vague, so you should also not be dishonest. If you had this problem previously and your solution worked then remember it and admit it to yourself. Selective memory is something that can become a person’s biggest enemy. If the problem was not real before, or even if it was a real problem but ended up to be a $10 problem and was not catastrophic, then tell yourself that fact.

e)   Anticipate the future. Most problems are part of living and therefore one should be able anticipate most of them. Be proactive and not reactive. This is one of the easiest things to do yet is widely overlooked. It may be as simple a matter as learning from past mistakes, but once certain patterns become clear, deal with them in advance. If you always wake up late on Sundays then it’s nothing new. Either accept the fact in advance, or if that’s not possible, plan in advance to get someone to help you. (I don’t want to be too bold, but going to sleep a little earlier Motzei Shabbos might be worth considering.)

f)      There are more scenarios that are non-issues than we’re willing to admit. Recognizing that something is a non issue is not fun, because then you can’t worry about it.

o      $10 is a non issue. (Unless you really have no money.)

o      Missing a bus when there’s enough time for you to walk to your destination is a non issue.

o      Think about whether the reason you’re becoming upset and whether it’s valid or if it’s a non issue.

o      Things that you can’t do anything about are also non issues, but for obviously different reasons.

Remember, all individuals have a huge amount of control of their lives. Simply remembering this can make a big difference. Only you can decide to accept something and then to work on alternatives instead of getting upset about what you’ve accepted. Once you succeed at this, even partially, you’ll understand that you can actually handle almost any problem that you may face. This doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to now calmly face every problem you encounter. Certainly not in the beginning. But if you can intellectually accept that you have control of the problem, you will at least temper your nervousness. At least you can say to yourself, “Yes, I can deal with this problem because I’ve already experienced this scenario twice and it always worked out.” Once you are intellectually in control, it becomes immensely easier to also become emotionally in control.

Step Two – Understanding Where Those Beliefs Come From

Before individuals can work on changing their beliefs about themselves they must first realize that the source of these beliefs is corrupted. When they were young, their self-image was first created by what others thought of them and not by what they thought of themselves. What opinion can three year olds have about themselves? Instead, young children feel good about themselves if their parents convey to them the message that they are good children.

In addition to how their parents view them, young children need a stable home. A stable home requires Sholom Bayis (a peaceful house), a healthy amount of love, and a home that’s run efficiently and responsibly. I’m not describing perfection. I’m describing a home where ups and downs exist, but where the family members are satisfied with their lot in life.

If the home is not stable, the children, even while very young, will sense the lack of control that surrounds them. There’s no feeling that things are good or that things will “work out” in life. None of these are conscious thoughts because the children are too young. However, these thoughts become internalized within the children and stay with them for years.

Internalized unconscious thoughts are very difficult for people to deal with. They don’t realize that their poor self-image comes from their upbringing and isn’t based on reality. Unconscious thoughts present themselves as if it is their soul that was speaking to them. Just as individuals can’t change their DNA; they believe that these thoughts are actually who they are, but this is wrong. These are their experiences, wrongly interpreted, talking to them. Since these experiences came from outside of the individual, they can be challenged.

One’s experiences, and certainly when they’re wrongly interpreted, can and should be changed. They certainly deserve to be changed. One must appreciate this and see how true it is. The first step towards change is admitting to ourselves that we really don’t know whether or not we are good people.

An unstable upbringing frequently breeds an adult prone to having anxiety and/or panic attacks. Anxiety comes from an underlying belief that something bad will happen. This premonition doesn’t necessarily have any “grounds” for it, it’s just a feeling.

Children who grow up in an unstable homes experience many things including fighting, coldness and little happiness. Things didn’t really “work out” for them. Their bodies, unable to deal with these experiences, and their minds, unable to make sense of them, began to create a form of defense mechanism: constantly worrying. Constant worrying cultivates the feelings of anxiety and/or panic attacks.

It is important to understand this. Individuals looking to improve their lives must know that the panic isn’t rooted in reality. It’s the constant deflection of the uncontrollable incidents around them.

This is the difference between how it was as children and how it is today as adults. As an adult, the situation is now controllable. Working through the issues puts them within one’s control. The knowledge and the strong belief that this can happen will alleviate much of the anxiety.

To be continued next week…

Rabbi Shmuel Gluck is director of Areivim, www.areivim.com, a teen crisis intervention center. R. Gluck’s articles are widely published in the Torah Chinuch world. For previous articles or for speaking engagements you can contact R. Gluck at Areivim: www.areivim.com 845-371-2760 E-mail: [email protected].

(Rabbi Shmuel Gluck – YWN)