Self esteem or, as I refer to it, one’s self image, is one of the greatest contributors towards a successful or unsuccessful life. In this article I will focus on a person’s self esteem and how it affects one’s opinion of oneself, a person’s marriage relationship, and the emotional health of their children. If people feel good about themselves they would look at those around them, as well as events that happen, in a more accepting manner.

Before individuals can improve their lack of self esteem they must understand the source of their lack of self esteem. Understanding that their poor self image does not come from themselves but that it comes from external sources, will open them to the possibility that they deserve to reassess their personal views of themselves.

A. The Problem

I will begin by describing the individuals that lack self esteem as they journey through the five stages of life: Child, teenager, marriage, parent, and grandparent.

The following is what most families look like on the surface. Most families are organized in the following manner: The father works, the mother takes care of the children (at least in the past that’s what happened), the children go to school, come home and do their homework. People were happy.

1. Child

Now let’s look a little deeper. Many parents don’t “get along” with each other as well as they should. The children often see their parents fighting, or living together, but having separate lives. The father keeps changing jobs and the mother screams too much. Every family has its own story. Some stories take longer to tell; some will make one cry a little more than others. It’s usually those families with the long and sad stories that create those children with a poor self image.

Adults, observing such a family, would understand that since no family is perfect its members could survive. They understand that some couples are happier than others. They understand that individuals can lose their jobs, parents can become sick, and life is often difficult.

Children, on the other hand, don’t know how to interpret fighting or inconsistent behavior and don’t know what it means. Children who experience these tumultuous events over a period of years, subconsciously draw one or both of the following conclusions:

a) In life, things don’t always “work out.” If something goes wrong it doesn’t necessarily get fixed. A person’s life story doesn’t necessarily have a happy ending.

b) I’m guilty; it’s my fault things aren’t working out. If I was a good child my parents wouldn’t fight, or my father would be able to work more and we’d have more money. Children believe that they see the entire picture and that the family centers around them.

In many families this unhappiness between parents becomes directed at the children. Some parents, who may be under huge amounts of stress, scream, criticize, and even beat their children. There is an old saying, “A child only a mother can love”. Yet this child is not loved by either of his parents.

As these children grow older they have no reason to believe in themselves, that others will like them, or that anyone will take them seriously. Why should they, even their parents don’t. What results are children who have no self esteem.

2. Teen

All teenagers are a little self conscious. This is more applicable to girls than to boys. Girls are worried about their looks, their clothing, their grades, and finally Shidduchim. Boys also don’t escape the insecurities that plague teenagers. Although they don’t show it, they are worried about whether others will think they know how to learn, play sports, or are cool or nerdy.

Even though most teenagers have these concerns, “deep down” they believe they’re still okay. They know that their parents believe in them, and therefore they conclude that they must be good. However, if you take away that underlying support what’s left are very scared, insecure, and fragile teens.

Although they may appear as fine, normal, teens, sometimes even as highly successful ones, their insecurities don’t allow them to discuss their secret with others. The secret is that “inside” they believe that they are worthless. Nevertheless, year after year, they coast along living a seemingly happy life. They manage to do this because life as a teen is relatively simple. It may not appear that way to 17 year-olds, but it’s certainly simpler than what they’ll have to confront in a few years.

The above is what the outside world sees. At home, life isn’t as simple. Their parents, who are often mired in their own insecurities, only look at their children in a superficial manner. They see in their children selfishness, unhappiness, an unwillingness to be part of the family, and this is what the parents respond to. Their reactions only make things worse for the children.

The parents don’t notice that their teenagers are hurting. They do notice that the teens aren’t nice, are selfish, possibly sick and of course they must be depressed. All of the parent’s conclusions become criticisms with a demand that the teens get their act together. This further supports the teens’ beliefs that their parents don’t care about, or understand, them and that they’re not worth loving. The parents and teens keep these internal issues a secret. Although keeping this a secret may allow them to get the perfect Shidduch in the future, it now limits the possibility that the teens will get the help that they need to make them truly happy.

Before I continue discussing the different stages of a person’s life I need to discuss some of the differences between men and women.

Some differences between men and women

General

This information is important because insecure men and women act differently. Each spouse, seeing symptoms that are different from the insecure ones they themselves project, can’t imagine that insecurity is the cause of the behavior. Therefore, they assume that it’s not due to insecurity and presume that either their spouse doesn’t like him/her or some other negative interpretation. As all married couples know this just makes things worse.

Insecure men and women are difficult to make happy. Very often both husband and wife are working to improve their self image, compounding the problem further. Both are too focused on their own insecurities and don’t have the emotional energy to focus on how the other spouse is acting, reacting, and suffering. Even when this is pointed out to them, their reactions are, “why should I worry about her/him? I’ve suffered more. Let her/him worry about me.” They both feel that they’ve tried harder than their spouse. “If not for me the marriage would have ended long ago.”

Many people believe that insecure people are all meek and timid and, in many cases, this is true. However, in many other cases, the insecurity manifests itself in more irritating and frustrating ways.

Women

1) Women who are insecure may become needy, making them a burden on their husbands. The husband then becomes frustrated because nothing he does is good enough, and in addition, he never has any free time. His wife, not realizing what she’s doing, feels that he should give her as much attention as she needs. What results is a husband who avoids his wife’s company as frequently as he can.

2) Other women become martyrs; always doing more than is expected. The husband’s attitude is “Who asked you to do it?” The wife feels she’s not appreciated for all of her work. This “helps” her feel that she married “wrong” and, although she’s trying, is no good.

3) Other women have unrealistic expectations of family life. They want their husband to respect them and their children to help them. However, they forget that as a mother they also have responsibilities to their husbands and children. Such women plant the seeds of frustration in their husbands and then blame their husbands.

4) Lastly, other women just want everything to be good. They don’t want any pain or arguments. They are “tired of suffering”. By making believe that the problems don’t exist they ignore the problems, and thereby allow them to fester and become serious issues.

Men

Men, who don’t express their feelings, don’t manifest their insecurities other than in the following manner: They become angry and/or are never satisfied, making it difficult to live with them. Men, when insecure, can hold an entire family hostage through verbal and regrettably, in some cases, with physical abuse.

When they were young, these boys were never accepted and never learned how to be a friend, to forgive, to be patient, and to understand others. Not realizing that this is the way they behave, and that this upsets other people, makes them even more resentful.

3. Marriage

The teenagers get older and get married. However, these teenagers have never experienced the appropriate relationships of a marriage. Both spouses must now wear many hats. The husband must now support a family, is responsible for issues that center on Halacha, carry the burden of making the difficult decisions, and be an emotional support for his wife. The wife must run a household, create a home that is emotionally stable, and must often do this while feeling nauseous and vomiting (pregnant). Together they must both create a home that is happy and in which mutual respect is the unspoken law.

This is a tough job for teenagers who have had the family life described above. It’s hard to be nurturing if one doesn’t feel nurtured. It’s sort of like the saying that a person can’t love others if they don’t love themselves. In addition, the level of communication needed in marriage is highly advanced. It takes a lot of strength and experience to do it right. What if someone doesn’t have this talent or experience?

Below is a typical scenario that takes place during Shono Rishona (the first year of marriage):

The husband (this applies equally well to wives) comes home in a bad mood. For the first time the husband is not as nice as usual. The wife doesn’t understand what happened. Even with a strong self image this can be unnerving. Questions fill over her mind. “Did I do something wrong? Does he really like me? I must have done something. What was it?” In some cases the wife may even be thinking “Is he divorcing me?”

To a logical person these thoughts will disappear as quickly as they came. Without getting angry or frustrated the wife will make small talk and find out that it’s not her fault, but that something external made her husband act differently today.

However, to insecure individuals, these thoughts overpower them. Their first reaction is fear. Their second reaction is to defend themselves in the only way they know. They fight back. They fear that this moment is a bad omen for the marriage and are unable to have an open discussion. They are too afraid that the spouse may actually say that there is no love. The wife, who is becoming increasingly irritable, fights back. “It’s his fault; he’s no good; he doesn’t appreciate me; he thinks I’m no good. What about him?”

Although this is frequently denied, men are terrified of their wives’ bad moods. They trigger the fear of not being accepted. They also become frustrated and begin to defend themselves when there is nothing to defend against. Men are just as insecure as women.

4. Parent

Assuming the couple has ignored these issues, or has not dealt with them sufficiently, each stage further complicates their problem. In addition, as people become older it becomes more difficult to admit the need to change, and then to implement it.

When they have children, it becomes more complicated. Insecure parents have more people to blame for their own failings and are less likely to want to change. Insecure parents feel that everyone in the family is taking away all that they deserve: their attention, time, and assistance. It’s difficult to believe that parents can be jealous of their children, but that’s what insecure parents are.

In addition, the parents’ insecurity places a heavy toll on their children. These parents are probably themselves children of insecure parents. How this affected them is how it’ll probably affect their own children. With today’s larger families and more complicated lifestyles, the family that has insecure parents is a recipe for even greater failures in their children.

Grandparent

Once children are married and/or out of the house, parents look at the next years as their “golden” years. These are the years when parents are supposed to be appreciated for all their sacrifices. Regrettably, insecure grandparents still feel challenged by their married children, in-laws and sometimes grandchildren. Family get-togethers end up with arguments, often about trivial incidents that become magnified. The married children try to avoid their parents as they always seem to be hurting their parents’ feelings. The grandparents then lament how their children are selfish and refuse to help them (in return for all that they have done for them). The cycle of internal deception continues.

To be continued next week…

Rabbi Shmuel Gluck is director of Areivim, www.areivim.com, a teen crisis intervention center. R. Gluck’s articles are widely published in the Torah Chinuch world. For previous articles or for speaking engagements you can contact R. Gluck at Areivim: www.areivim.com 845-371-2760 E-mail: [email protected].

(Rabbi Shmuel Gluck – YWN)