Anyone in the parsha—whether for themselves or for their children—knows the crushing anxiety that comes with researching a potential match. How can we possibly determine the right fit from a piece of paper? Is he/she like this or like that? Will their personality align with our hopes? With every profile, our minds spin endless possibilities—and anxiety, ever the pessimist, convinces us to assume the worst. Maybe they have this issue… Maybe they won’t understand that part of me… The doubts pile up, and before we know it, we’ve talked ourselves out of even considering the shidduch.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
I adopted a new approach—one that has been nothing short of life-changing. I recognize my own human tendency: when all I have is a written profile, my imagination runs wild, feeding anxiety and making me hesitant to proceed. But I also know this: the moment I actually meet the person, everything changes. Suddenly, they’re no longer an abstract set of traits on paper—they’re a real, multifaceted human being. The fears I had? Often unfounded. The concerns that seemed so big? Frequently insignificant. The clarity is astonishing.
So here’s what I do now: If a shidduch suggestion seems even remotely plausible, I ask the shadchan to arrange a brief phone call—immediately. No strings attached, no pressure to continue, just a short conversation. The goal? To replace the paper with a person. And the difference is night and day. Deciding whether to move forward becomes infinitely easier—and more enjoyable—when I’m evaluating an actual human being rather than a list of traits. People are always better than papers.
Admittedly, shadchanim are sometimes skeptical (though helpful individuals facilitating matches tend to love the idea). Even when they agree, the other side might need convincing. But there’s nothing to lose—only clarity to gain. Every single person who has tried this approach has told me it transformed their outlook. One parent even called to thank me, saying it gave their child renewed hope—the process no longer felt unbearable.
The concept is simple: Turn the paper into a person. A short, no-pressure conversation shifts the entire dynamic. Afterward, you’re back at the starting point—free to say, “Thanks, I’ll let you know if I’m interested.” But now, you’re making that decision based on a real interaction, not just speculation.
If you’re single or a parent navigating shidduchim, try this just once. I’m certain you’ll feel a weight lift—replacing dread with renewed motivation to find your bashert.
Wishing you tremendous siyata d’Shmaya. May Hashem guide you swiftly to your zivug hagun.
Hatzlacha,
A Friend
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11 Responses
This letter is horrendously vague. Who exactly should speak to who ?
“I ask the shadchan to arrange a brief phone call…”
A call between which two people ?
Wackyway, this is exactly the point. The letter is vague, because it all it is a written post. Your mind is spinning endless possibilities, and anxiety convinces you to assume the worst. Arrange a phone call, and turn this post into a person.
Wackyway who do you think it’s between? The mailman and the fireman?
He has a point that would speed the yeses and no.s
My daughter was redt a shiduch from far out of town in the us..the bochur was in ny….I told them let me meet the boy for 15 min in my mini van and if he still wants me and it’s nogeah I will make my calls and hodu lashem married happily with a kid bh
Thank you. To the point, There is nothing to add
Who calls who ?!
No. (1) you’re literally interviewing the person and putting them under a microscope for 10 minutes straight. (2) you’re going on a mini date with girls who you didn’t yet look into and don’t know yet if they are shayach. That’s basically speed dating. That’s not a new idea, that’s an old idea that has been rejected by the gedolei yisroel as not an option (at least for regular circumstances; consult your local adam gadol a particular shayla).
If you already did research and would rather do a small phone call to see if it’s in the ball park rather than having to do a whole date, that we can discuss.
did you ask a rav about this? the halachos and gedarim of tznius as they apply to the shidduch process are very sensitive
If it’s a phone call between the couple, this approach was used 20+ years ago and it was pretty worthless, at best. Many times boys (and even girls!) are not phone ppl. and the conversation is extremely boring or stilted. That gives a bad impression already before a date. If the guy or girl is better face to face, you’ll see it on the date. But if you are going into the date with a bad taste in your mouth from the phone call, the date is doomed before it starts. And if the guy or girl is just as boring face to face, you’ll see that on the date, too, so you gained nothing from the call.
New shidduch idea.
I hear it. Have some form of brief meeting with the prospect to get a better feel of a human, better than a set of demographics on a piece of paper. Rational. Now, here’s the challenge.
First, a shidduch does not need to make sense. The hashgochas Hashem behind every zivug, as expressed in the Bas Kol, is not a logical message. Divine wisdom has no need to comply with the limits of the human mind. And it doesn’t. When our relationships become based on give and take, they become business contracts, which contributes nothing to the emotional component of a marriage. And that dooms that relationship. Ask anyone in a long-term marriage if their relationship makes sense. And that becomes a moot point, being ignored by deep emotional connection.
Second, this relegates a shidduch to impressions. Even our systems of dating and “bashows” involve two kids who prepare themselves as images designed to impress. No indication how either party copes with challenge, how they behave under stress, and no true indication of midos and character that support the bonding that is critical to the formation and support of the relationship. So we now add a new idea to impressions that are similarly artificial. Hmm.
Looks can kill. Are we making these into the tie breaker? Oh, only a phone call? Same story. Even today’s shidduch resumes have become a point of laughter, presenting biased portrayals, and often flagrant dishonest caricatures. Carefully chosen contacts who can hide information. I have seen contacts listed on resumes that are there to impress, while they know nothing about the individual. Another layer.
Sorry. Nice try. Until we return to unfailing commitment to truth, and abandon the many layers of decoy and distraction, we’ll keep getting what we always got. Our percentages of successful shidduchim aren’t bad. Many work out despite our best efforts at sabotage.
ccyehoshua & Pine5900.
Duh, what don’t you understand? Is the suggestion that parent(s) calls the other parent(s) ? Boy should call girl ? Parent(s) of boy should speak with the girl ? Parent(s) of girl should speak with the boy ?