If we read one more article offering some brilliant, sweeping solution to the shidduch crisis that no actual individual can implement, we might just scream.

You know the type: “Stop all 19-year-old girls from dating!” “Force all 21-year-old boys to start dating!” “Get tall girls to marry short boys!” “Get younger boys to marry older girls!”—and so on. The theories might be interesting, but let’s face it: none of us regular folks are in a position to singlehandedly rewrite the system.

So no need to brace yourself—we’re not here with another grand solution. We’re here to rant about a part of dating that people can actually fix.

We’re two frum psychologists—one single, one married—who, in addition to having personal dating experience, also spend time coaching singles, setting people up, and commiserating with friends (of all ages) about their dating adventures—and misadventures.

Here’s something we’ve noticed: Yes, there’s a dating crisis. Women wait around for months, dateless and discouraged, hoping for a call from a shadchan. But when a date does happen, despite the months of anticipation and all the FBI-level research, more often than not, the date is over after a couple of hours—and both sides agree it’s not a match.

Why?

Because a simple first or second date—which should be a pleasant, low-stakes conversation—somehow turns into a boring job interview or a scene from a horror film.

It’s time to go back to basics. Dating coaches might assume everyone knows the ABCs of social behavior, but based on the stories we’ve heard, it’s clear: Some things need to be said.

So, dear daters, here’s what NOT to do on a date:

1. Don’t Talk About Dating

Yes, you’re both single. Yes, that’s what you have in common. No, you shouldn’t talk about it.

Why not?

• You’ll either sound bitter (“the system is broken”)
• Or too chipper (“I’m growing from the journey!”)
• Or mocking (with cringey stories about weird past dates)
• Or vulnerable in a way that’s way too much, too soon (e.g., tales of being dumped)

Just don’t go there.

2. Don’t Mention Bathrooms, Underwear, or Body Fluids

We can’t believe this needs to be said, but apparently it does.

• Don’t say, “I’m going to the little boys’ room.” Just say, “Excuse me for a minute.”
• And no, you should not walk to the bathroom together like it’s a camp trip.
• Never describe bodily functions. We don’t want to hear about vomiting, sweating, nursing, bleeding, or anything oozing.
• Don’t ever mention underwear. A story about sleeping late is funny. A story involving boxer shorts is not.

Yes, we’ve heard all these stories. No, we’re not exaggerating.

3. Don’t Get Too Personal Too Soon

A first or second date isn’t a therapy session.

• Don’t ask about your date’s family drama, broken engagement, or spiritual journey. If it’s relevant, and the relationship progresses, you’ll find out later.
• Don’t overshare about your creative dreams, your therapy process, or the poem you wrote about Hashem. (Yes, someone actually sang their own composition on a first date.)
• Don’t confess your feelings. A second date is not the time to say, “I like you a lot.”
• Don’t talk about your financial stress, mental health struggles, or diets.
• And please—don’t comment on your date’s appearance. Even something as tame as, “You look great!” can come across as uncomfortable or immodest early on.

4. Don’t Be Boring

A lull in the conversation? That’s fine. But don’t fill it with awkwardness.

• Avoid yes/no questions like, “What’s your favorite color?” or “What do you do at work?” Ask something that invites a real answer, like, “Did you ever go to camp?” or “What’s something you’ve read recently that made you think?”
• Keep stories short. Don’t monologue.
• Avoid niche rants or technical explanations. Your date doesn’t want a lecture on knitting, programming, or korbanos.

Bottom line: A date should feel like a conversation, not a confession. Be real, be pleasant, and please—don’t be gross.

We wish we could sign our names, but alas, we value our own shidduchim too much. So for now, we’ll remain anonymous, but we hope our message rings clear:

There’s a dating crisis. But some of it is avoidable. Start by not sabotaging your own dates.

With empathy and exasperation,
Two (Frustrated) Frum Psychologists

The views expressed in this letter are those of the authors and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.