It’s 3am, Motzei shabbos, after Purim.
I’m sitting and trying to process the last 48 hours.
So much to say.
So much to write.
I feel compelled to write on behalf of myself but more so on behalf of the many people I’ve spoken to and supported before and on Purim.
Purim is beautiful. It’s a day so full of joy and excitement. The unbelievably joyous atmosphere permeates through the walls of every Jewish home, every shul, ever passing car along with the most creative and fun costumes!
Purim is a day when we let go and let loose of our pains, stresses and worries.
To most that is.
We can drink away our pain but not all can.
We can block it all away, but not all can.
We can pretend to be happy and full of life, but not all can.
For myself and the many countless others who’ve been hurt, broken and abused in the most horrific of ways, our pain is not “drinkable”, or “bury-able”. The very thin mask we’d wear on Purim isn’t nearly strong enough to cover our deep inner wounds, bleeding souls and broken hearts.
I’ve had a complex surgery several weeks ago. It stopped me from doing many household and work chores. It was all so simple and easy. I physically wasn’t able to do it regardless of how much effort I put in.
There were no expectations.
No disappointments.
No judgements of “just get over it”.
I couldn’t help but think “if only”.
If only mental health would be on the same caliber as physical health.
If only fighting and winning an intense suicidal battle would be celebrated in the same ways as fighting a physical illness.
If only, we can be open in regard to shul, a wedding, a family simcha or party and simply say, I have too much trauma to attend for now and that would be considered an acceptable response.
If only, people would realize the non human amount of strength it takes to get up each and every morning.
If only, people would realize how hard it is to show up at work after yet another sleepless night, another panic attack or a brutal trauma flashback.
If only, people would know the amount of energy, bravery and courage it takes to face your worst inner demons every week at therapy.
The world would look so different.
My world and the worlds’ of so many others of who’m I’ve spoken to would look different.
Purim would’ve looked so different.
I can’t begin to describe the enormous feelings of absolute panic and anxiety Purim brings on to so so many.
It’s a day of intense joy to some but a day of the most horrific and awful pain to others.
The direct contrast, staring us in the face at every turn is so incredibly painful. It’s as though we’re living in a different world while desperately trying to remain on this planet for our families.
That painful contrast makes us feel so incredibly lonely.
Like I always say, I’m not angry nor am I bitter. It’s not a place I naturally go to.
I’m just hurting.
Hurting for myself and hurting for the many hundreds and thousands of people out there who by no fault of their own, are fighting the most intense and dangerous battles, all alone.
Without any backup or support.
All while being expected to perform as everyone else.
If you know someone like this, please know they’re hidden warriors. They have hidden strengths that not many possess. They would do absolutely anything to be like you and be more “normal”. They try, fight and work to get there and hopefully they will, but until then, please go that extra mile to send the text, give that wave and support them in any way you can.
If you’re the one who struggled through Purim and will once again struggle through pesach, my soul bleeds for you!
I relate to every ounce of pain you’re feeling!
I’m sorry for you!
I feel for you!
I have the absolute utmost respect for you!
I admire you!
I know how much therapy it took just to get through Purim!
I know how deeply the contrast cut into your soul!
I know of the tears you’ve shed over the last few days!
I know the battle of not looking at everyone’s WhatsApp status and pictures,
Lastly, please know, you’re not alone!
Although we’ve never met, I’m right there along with you, feeling our way through the dark tunnel. I do believe very strongly that we’ll see the light. I deeply believe in that and when we get there, I’ll be there right beside you to rejoice in our own victories!
The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.
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19 Responses
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for coming out here and sharing how you feel! It takes a lot to be vulnerable in a public setting! Know that where ever you are, I am giving you a virtual hug and sending you love and healing energy!
More than anything, I want you to know that it’s you, yes, people like you, who are facing their traumas every day, bit by bit, that are bringing Moshiach closer and closer! You are the quiet hero of the generation. This journey can be lonely, difficult, filled with sadness and pain. And yet, the pain isn’t for nothing because you are our unsung hero!
I’m rooting for you and hope that very soon, you will find joy and life even in the moments of pain and sorrow. There’s light at the end of every tunnel and your light is around the corner! ❤️
This letter is totally exaggerated. Most people are not feeling suicidal on Purim. Yes there are a number of individuals feeling sad all year but it has nothing to do with Purim.
I went to a well-known local place to daven today and met many people I know—people who don’t seem like they have anything to daven for.
The point is, there are far more people struggling in their own ways than we realize.
With each of these letters I always have some hope of some support group starting for US people.
Although it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone who knows me, I wonder if I should publish my own name to start one.
Over Shabbos I even had my 11 year old neighbor make fun of me. I wonder where he would have picked that up from.
Maybe I am just clueless, but I am having an extremely difficult time understanding why this is coming out on Purim ? People unfortunately have mental issues all year. What does it have to do with purim ?
And to all you normal people just celebrating Purim in a nice way, you’re doing great too!
I applaud this letter. I often feel as you describe. Trauma doesn’t have to be the most intense kind to affect individuals as is the case with me.
@realyid – Purim is when we publicly show happiness and when one isn’t happy internally it’s much more painful to ‘fake’ it.
Disconnected inside makes external demonstration very hard.
Thank you anonymous one
Thank you Yeshiva World for this feature. I give you a hard time on some things you post though I like this section alot.
@Real Yid
I would recommend you to thank Hashem that you don’t know the horrific feelings that exist but please don’t write before you check. Purim is indeed an awful day to many people out there. The people struggling have it much harder on Purim. The reason is very simple. At a time when these struggling fellows see many others enjoying their pain increases dramatically.
Talking about Therapists- can anyone on earth explain why therapists charge $350-$500 for 45 minuts or even an hour ?????
Just becuase this suffering fellow has no choice you therefore suck him out his entire money ????
Would have these therapists been a hart surgian and one would need a life saving surgery they would of required him to sign them off all of his belongings and possesions, his house, car, and his furnature for them to save his life.
This is outragous and unforgivable.
Shame on these greedy therapists !!!!!!
You should start groups. Where I’m from I see advertised a 12 step meeting for Frum people on Shabbos afternoon.
The Gemara says that when one of the tanaim went to shomayim he came back and said he saw a backwards world. Those who are on the top in this world are on the bottom in the next world and those on the bottom here are on top in the next world.
I firmly believe that people such as this letter writer, who struggle just to survive and live life, yet do so and are there for their families (despite not being noticed as doings something extraordinary). These people will be in the front row in the next world! Hashem sees the struggles and your pain! You may not be noticed by people but you are definitely noticed by The One Who Matters Most!
Therapists who are in it for the money, you see the results: their clients don’t get better. It’s the therapist who really care and make therapy affordable that are truly in the profession for the right reasons and help their clients get better. We need Trump to put a cap on therapy session fees once and for all. They are taking advantage of vulnerable souls and making them more vulnerable.
The recent suicides that I know of had little to do with mental health.
One guy I know jumped because He could not find a shidduch, and another was a dad alienated from his two sons. Happened several weeks ago. He jumped off the Bear Mountain Bridge
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for saying it so well, and wishing you a refuahs hanefesh v’guf .
“I’ve had a complex surgery several weeks ago. It stopped me from doing… I physically wasn’t able to do it regardless of how much effort I put in.
There were no expectations.
No disappointments.
No judgements of “just get over it”.
I couldn’t help but think “if only”.”
Yes; if only. Maybe someday…
@realyid, your sick and disgusting, without a Jewish moral fibre inside you, it’s because of people like you who don’t understand and frankly don’t give 2 hoots, that people with mental health problems are suffering, your a horrible person, and you need desperate help, I would even say that support groups should be made for people like you, and not the ones with the health issues, because if not for your sickness then no body else would suffer like they do.
And as a side point, yeshiva world you should also be ashamed for publishing such a horrible reply from a clearly mentally ill individual, your replies should be censored a lot more before you show them, basic ahavas yisroel….
Come on people need help and let’s help them and bring moshiach
For the sake of being Dan Lekaf Zechus Klal Yisroel, please note that RealYid continually posts provocative and ridiculous comments on every serious issue discussed here. He is obviously a troll and should not be taken seriously at all, he does not reflect the community’s opinion on anything. It’s a shame YWN doesn’t have a community notes type of feature to downvote his constant nonsense.
tp – I’ve also been meaning to write about RealYid.
I believe s/he is a שנה ופירש’ניק troll who delights in trying to make the frum world look cruel, crooked, and uncaring. Anything s/he writes is the diametrical opposite of what most frum people think or feel. Nothing s/he writes should ever be taken in any other way than that warped goal – to portray an ugly, false picture of Yidden.
Whoever reads this, rest assured that Real Yidden DO NOT think, feel, or act the way RealYid portrays it.
As others already posted, this writer is a courageous person whose merits in fighting a lonely, painful battle are the most valued by Hashem and are bringing Moshiach closer.
I think many of us need more specific lessons on how to be most helpful and supportive. I believe that many people want to reach out but don’t know how.
@ladler
Here are some ways to be more supportive (these tips and tricks apply to all people facing any battle)
For starters there is more to every person than the struggle they are dealing with. Remember to treat every person with love and respect.
As someone is struggling with mental health it is obviously much harder as the writer states since we can’t see it. Regardless of if you understand ones struggle or not, you should try to see things from their perspective. The person who feels so paralyzed by purim and the joy we are “forced” to feel. When you see them (you may have to go to them because chances are they don’t want to go out). you can check in with them about life in general. Don’t ask them why they are or are not happy.
To the person who doesn’t go to shul, who has social anxiety or trauma that doesn’t allow them to go to a simcha. Don’t make them feel bad – trust me – they wish the trauma and/or anxiety wasn’t controlling them. When you see your neighbor – there are thousands of other things to talk about to make them feel included. Hashem created this amazing world. Try talking about that.
Obviously there is no cookie cutter answer to how to support someone since every person is unique. But if we stop and think about the other person’s feelings and maybe even acknowledge their pain. It may make it easier and less daunting for that person to face the world.
and to those who did not comment so nicely – I will not call you out by name. but just because you don’t see the work someone put into being present or “happy” on purim does not mean it wasn’t there. there is not one way to do things.