In light of the recent article posted about suicides in the frum community, I want to address HOW you can actually help. You might be surprised to learn that helping someone who is actively suicidal is not as hard as you think. Better yet, learn the signs to help them before they reach that point.

What makes me qualified to speak about this? Besides for my own lived experience as someone who struggles with suicidal ideation and has attempted suicide, I also volunteer as a crisis counselor for the crisis text line, am ASIST certified, and am the founder and director of an organization called A Drop of Light (preventfrumsuicide.org) aimed at bringing awareness around and lowering suicides in the frum community.

Let’s start with warning signs. Any drastic change in behavior is a warning that something is up. Did you notice that your friend who used to be the life of the party is now silent and staying home? Is your son no longer sleeping at night? Did your usually quiet sister suddenly become the most active person on the family WhatsApp group? Any drastic and sudden change, whether it seems “positive” or “negative” tells you that something is going on.

There are also life events which can trigger suicidal thoughts. We all talk about women experiencing postpartum depression. What about the father or siblings? What about someone who just moved, whether simply to a different house or to a different town? Losing a job or starting a new one. Any large life change can throw someone off balance and cause a crisis.

Let’s move on to what to do once you are worried about someone. Contrary to popular belief, the safest thing you can do is straight out ask them if they are having thoughts of suicide. Yes, most people will answer truthfully if they know that you are asking from a sincere place. You always want to preface it with WHY you are asking. For example “I noticed that you haven’t been joining us on our weekly walk anymore. Sometimes when people retreat into themselves, it shows that there is something going on. Is everything okay? Have you been thinking of killing yourself?”

Again, you want to clearly say the word “suicide” or “kill yourself.” Hurting yourself can mean self harm or suicide and we want to be sure that we are all on the same page. Same thing with saying “have you been having hard thoughts” or something similar. DO NOT ASK IN A JUDGEMENTAL OR CONDESCENDING WAY. It’s important to ask in a calm and open way. Saying “you’re not having thoughts of suicide, are you?” will not get you an honest response.

If the person says no, you can still follow up with questions about what’s been going on that has caused the drastic change. Be there to listen and respond with compassion. And if time passes and you are still worried, you can always check in again. Either way, this person now knows that you are a safe person to speak with.

If they say yes, they are having thoughts of suicide. Stay calm. Thank them for sharing. Acknowledge how hard it must have been to be so vulnerable and honest. You want to ask them more about what’s been going on that has caused them to feel so hopeless. Often, when listening to their story, you will be able to find a glimmer of hope or reason for them to still want to live. Hone in on that. “You mentioned your sister, are you really close with her? What’s your favorite thing to do together?”

You do also need to find out the level of danger that they are in. Clarify if they are planning on acting on the suicidal thoughts. Do they have a plan as to how they would kill themselves? Do they have what they need to kill themselves? And do they know when they will do it? Ask the questions in that order. Thoughts, plans, means, and then timeframe. If there is a “no” to any question, you do not need to keep going to the next one. They do still need help and should be guided to receiving it. Help them find the therapist, psychiatrist, support, and care that they need.

If the person answers yes to all the questions and has a timeframe within 48 hours, they are in immediate risk and need help. So what do you do?

Firstly, stay calm. Keep validating the pain and thanking the person for their vulnerability. You do not want to leave them alone. If you are long distance, stay on the phone with them. Ask them who else knows how they are feeling. If there is someone who lives nearby who can actually come and sit with them. If the means to kill themselves is something which can be gotten rid of, encourage that; not always will they be willing, but you should ask. Mention the things which gave them hope. See if they would be willing to stay alive for that. Find out what professionals they have in their life who you can reach out to right then (therapist, psychiatrist, doctor, etc). If they don’t have one, offer to help them find someone.

There are also coping skills which can be used. These will look different for everyone. Ask if anything has worked in the past. Do they have a pet they can play with to calm down? Go for a walk (not alone, they need to be with someone), listen to music, art, or anything else which calms them?

There are crisis lines, such as 988 for call or 741-741 for Text/WhatsApp (just message the word ‘hello’) in the USA. In Canada, the number is 833-456-4566. For a comprehensive list of crisis lines all over the world, you can go to https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/. You do not want to call 911 except as an absolute last resort and be sure to specify that it is a mental health crisis as many cities have a designated team for that. Other good information to have is your regional mobile crisis unit phone number. They are licensed mental health professionals who can actually come to your house and help assess and help without the intimidation of being police.

The most important point of all is this: Do not be afraid to ask. Reach out to your friends, family members, acquaintances. Show that you care. Show that they matter. Show that they are not alone in this world. You never know when that one text message can save a life. Together, we can make this world a safer and kinder place to live in.

Please remember that you MUST use a crisis line on Shabbos and Yom Tov, just as you wouldn’t hesitate to call 911 if someone was having a heart attack. Speak with your rav to find out if you can use such a line to prevent reaching an actively suicidal place.

Some more resources:

1. preventfrumsuicide.org – you can find resources, more information on suicide and how to risk assess, Rabbonim who are knowledgeable in mental health, and more
2. https://thelongshortroad.com/ – suicide trainings, hotline, and more
3. https://afsp.org/ – All about suicide
4. https://www.zaakah.org/shabbosyom-tov-warmline – A shabbos and YT specific warm line, run by frum people
5. https://thehelpline.org.uk/ – A frum 24/7 hotline (including Shabbos and yom tov) in England
6. Virtual Hope Box – a great app to help get someone through suicidal urges (available here on the Google Play, and here on the Apple App Store)
7. Suicide Safety Plan – a great app to help create a safety plan and easily access it when in crisis (available here on Google Play, and here on the Apple App Store)

Signed,

Mrs. Hadassah Zirkind

The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.