In just a few hours, Jewish communities will erupt in celebration. The streets will fill with laughter, the sounds of joyous singing and lechaims shared among friends and family. Purim is a day of joy, but for too many people, it is something else entirely. It is a day of isolation, of suffering in plain sight while the world around them dances.
It is for these people—the ones who feel invisible in their pain—that we at YWN feel compelled to speak up right now.
For many months now, the growing mental health crisis in our community has been something we wanted to write about but held back. Each time we considered addressing the issue, another suicide had just occurred. Out of respect for the grieving families, we waited. Then, another suicide happened. So we waited again. And then another. And another. Now, another family has been shattered. Another set of children will grow up not only without a parent but with the trauma that lingers for those left behind. The unshakable questions will follow them for the rest of their lives—wondering what they could have done, whether they were at fault, whether they missed something.
Suicide is not a rare tragedy. It has happened too often, to too many people, in too many families, for us to continue pretending this is not a crisis. Depression and mental illness have claimed fathers, mothers, teenagers, and children. And yet, it remains a subject that is either ignored or whispered about in discomfort, disguised publicly as sudden illness or unexplained tragedy. The truth is, as a kehilla, we have not shown the urgency that this issue demands.
Mental illness does not go away because we refuse to talk about it. The suffering does not end because we pretend it does not exist. Too many times, people shrug off suicide with quiet rationalizations—that person must have been deeply troubled, or had issues that were beyond help. That kind of thinking is not just dismissive; it is dangerous. It fosters complacency and ensures that the cycle of suffering continues, unchecked, until it reaches someone you know. Someone you love.
Purim presents a stark contrast. It is a day of pure joy for many, but it is also the hardest day of the year for those who struggle with depression. The celebration that surrounds them only intensifies their loneliness. While one person is lifted by the spirit of the day, another is drowning in despair, feeling more alone than ever. While one person drinks to enhance their simcha, another is drinking to escape their pain. The happiest day for some is the darkest day for others.
We cannot afford to keep ignoring this. It is not enough to shake our heads in dismay when another tragedy occurs. We need to learn. We need to recognize when someone is struggling. We need to understand how to respond. Telling someone that “things will get better” does little to help a person who feels trapped in hopelessness. What they need is someone who sees them, who understands them, who knows how to help, and who will guide them to the professional support they need. So many lives could be saved if more people simply knew how to respond to those who are suffering.
Purim is a day of achdus, of giving, of caring for others. If there is one thing to take upon ourselves this year, let it be this: to open our eyes to those around us. To pay attention. To recognize the struggles that are not always spoken about. To be the person who offers a lifeline instead of looking away. To be someone who learns from a professional how to respond and provide assistance to people in crisis.
We cannot continue to lose people to suicide and remain silent. We cannot keep walking past shattered families while pretending everything is fine. There is no more time to wait. The time to act is now.
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31 Responses
Totally on point. Chazal say that “ONE MOCKERY PUSHES AWAY EVEN 100 WORDS OF REBUKE”. Although for every article there are those that will mock and criticize we should realize that it’s there Midas leitzanus trying to denigrate and discredit something which is truly valid.
I guess we need Purim, a day with such contrast to post this….
It’s way way overdue. Time to shake the trees and let everything fall.
We have the Torah and with that the ultimate truth, everything else? The pain people carry around, people numb until they only see one way out is heartbreaking.
It’s time we put everything on the table, in the OPEN – no holding back. There will be more healing when there more open discussions.
(Properly of course)
G-D we had enough pain! Do we need all this pain?
Send the geulah now! It’s too much, AND Yes we deserve it!
I cannot agree more thank you for bringing this to light may Hashem only let good things come out of it
Very well written and very on target.
However; what’s with all the fathers who leave this world early due to tremendous financial distress? Anxiety and depression are not necessarily always a clinically diagnosed “mental illness”. It can very well be onset as a result of tremendous financial pressure. And the feeling that noone really cares, they’re all alone.
I know because I’m there.
Why do we wait for people to leave families behind before turning to help them? Why not pre-empt with the same fundraisers? It’s not all that difficult to figure out who’s struggling in shul. That is – if you really want to find out. That includes the Rabbonim and the Askonim. No need for levayos to raise funds for the yesomim weddings, keep the father alive!!
Great idea. While we are at it, why don’t we also look into why our community has followed the trends of the Western world in general in having a rapid increase in mental and psychological problems, especially in young people, despite(?) paying more and more attention to and taking more advice from mental health professionals in how we raise and educate our children.
Please visit https://www.hegyonlibi.org and DONATE NOW! They are saving lives… This is the biggest form of matunas levyonim
just to clarify one point which i know from up close , no one is silent or making believe… the fancy psychiatrists in manhatten have plenty of frum customers , practicly every frum suicide especially the teens was AFTER the family, yedidim gevirim spent many thousands on therapy , rehab.. etc almost all had been encouraged to take meds … and didnt comply ..because answers and qualified help is hard to find ( even for $) is not a reason to accuse the frum world of not caring when we are a nation that will pull a sewer grate to get someones car keys
numerous rabonim have privatly raised money to help a mispalel w mental help
these diseases area terrible curse and how dare we tell the siblings they didnt care enough when they suffered big bizyonos in silence as they watched their parents do everything possible
Of course there is tremendous financial pressure as our society follows the secular world of materialism. What can be done. Only a real rebbe or rov can lead the way. Stop wearing and spending on ten to twelve thousand dollar streimels. You can get one for ten bucks at a Purim store. Where is the leadership. There is no leadership. The proof is that the rebbes went along and put on these tall streimels. The whole race for gashmius is what’s killing families. Weddings that are massively expensive unlike the simple Covid weddings done on the streets or yards of homes. It had a certain innocence and charm. It would take a real leader to lead the way.
Genuine question.
Has anyone done studies of whether people that exercised have lower cases of depresion or suicide? After 15 minutes of exercise my stress goes away.
I think all ages from toddler to very old need to do regular age appropriate exercise. At least 3 times, best 5 x a week. Doesnt have to be intense. Swim. Walk. Run. Play. Cycle. Move your body and clear your mind.
Apart from medication, therapy, eating less sugar etc.
Here’s something never discussed within the parameters of this topic. It’s called “Hobby”. Anyone who thinks a Yid in pain can be comforted by limud Torah, or l’havdil, alcohol, is overlooking those who aren’t predisposed to learning or drinking. Finding a hobby, some craft one learns and enjoys working at, is never suggested. It can be reading kosher fiction novels, macrame, PhotoShop, carpentry, or literally anything one does for enjoyment to while away hours not otherwise spent in working or household affairs. The Yiddishe velt considers hobbies to be something indulged in by the goyim. Never was this necessarily so. It was always the admonitions about bittul zman and bittul Torah carried from early yeshiva days. But bittulo zehu kiyumo (the down time is essential for continued life).
If YWN was created for only one reason, perhaps this article was it.
I am your neighbor, friend, teacher. My boss is happy with my work, my house looks put together. I laugh and make jokes, empathize and care about you. I host 3 generations for Purim seudahs and Pesach sedarim. Even my family think Im the role model balabusta…
Yet under the mask, I am numb, empty and 90% dead. The remaining 10% is coming soon. Then, everyone will gasp in shock, wonder what was wrong with me. You will look at my family as either nebachs or contagious. Or both. They will be thrown into a vortex of pain, guilt and unanswered questions. And shame. Lots of shame, for having had a wife / mother / grandmother who was “too weak” to hold on, all alone, any longer.
My illness is as real as your diabetes. PLEASE! Get rid of the stigma!
A few months ago Rabbi Reuven Leuchter addressed this issue; you can hear the Speech, which is 44:43 minutes long, on his website ‘meihadaas’ . Search in ‘General Subjects’ and find the topic “Mental Health.”
The following is the thumbnail to this Speech:
“Mental health is an area of growing concern, and when tragedy strikes through the heart of our community, we are compelled to address it. What does the Torah have to say about mental health, and how can we practically address this issue in our own homes?”
Thank you very much for your accurate editorial describing the real mental health struggles of so many in our community. Those who struggle with this often experience a double dose. In addition to the immense pain, they are unable to reach out to receive support from friends, relatives, and the broader community due to shame and stigma. Yomim Tovim can be particularly challenging for those experiencing mental health challenges who don’t have supportive family.
It is so important to reach out for support as well as professional help. I work as Director of Community Outreach for Ohel where we offer many services for those struggling at all levels (prevention and intervention). Suicidal thoughts can be safely shared and Ohel specializes in this area. There are also many other agencies and organizations throughout the US and beyond that can help those struggling with mental health concerns.
If anyone would like to reach out to learn what help can be available, please feel free to email directly and I can try to assist. [email protected]
Chaim Neuhoff, PhD
Director of Clinical Program Development and Community Outreach, Ohel
Mom Me: Are you getting help? if not please reach out to help. you can call Relief resources (if you cannot afford therapy please ask for a referral to to a therapist or clinic that takes insurance.)
Most of all Please read The Ami Interview with John Fetterman, it’s hard to imagine but good times are coming.
Meir G: You are making a very good point.
It’s about time.
Also, if you were personally connected to a suicide, be aware that Hashem wants something from YOU.
If you were indirectly affected by a suicide, be aware that Hashem doesn’t make mistakes.
Every single thing that happens is meticulously calculated by HaShem, and there are no coincidences.
Here’s an idea:
When you pick up a siddur, in the Tefila of Shema Koleinu, stop, and ask Him what he wants from You.
He WILL answer you.
In ways that your can’t image.
Make sure you are listening.
@mom me
As someone deeply familiar with mental health struggles, as a mother, as a member of our frum community, I am pleading with you—begging you—to hear your own words, they penetrate my heart. And begging you to seek help in support.
This article describes a harsh reality, but the core truth remains: stigma is the single greatest enemy of mental health in our frum world. It is the silent killer, the invisible force suffocating those who suffer, making them feel ashamed, isolated, and unworthy of help.
We cry about the pain in our communities, yet we refuse to treat mental illness with the same compassion and urgency as diabetes, cancer, or any other medical condition. Why? Because unlike other illnesses, mental health struggles often bring dysfunction—and that dysfunction is not because of the illness itself, but because people are forced to hide it out of fear of judgment. This silence, this pressure to appear “perfect,” is what drives people to the edge.
And let’s be honest—with the way our frum community lives under this type of relentless pressure, this crisis is not going to get better on its own. If anything, it will get worse before it gets better. The percentage of those struggling is already staggering, and as long as we continue to ignore it, it will only spread further. More broken families, more hidden suffering, more lives unraveling in silence.
There is more help available today than ever before—and yes, it must become more affordable and accessible (a crucial issue on its own). Yet, despite these resources, so many still suffer in silence. Why? Because mental health remains a taboo, a whispered shame, a burden forced into secrecy. If we truly want to save lives, heal our families, and strengthen our community, we must shatter this stigma. We must stop treating mental health as a weakness, a personal failing, or something to be hidden in shame. It is an illness—just like any other.
This is not just a conversation; it is a crisis. And this crisis does not affect only certain families or individuals—it is a reality of life under pressure. No one is immune. No one has guarantees. Mental health struggles can strike at any time, in any home. The time to fight for change is not tomorrow. It is not when tragedy strikes. The time is NOW
Please! Don’t take a Purim and turn it into a sad situation. There’s many days throughout the year to talk about this topic, which I am 100% on board with. I just disagree on using Purim which is all about happiness, the one day a year for a Yid to be happy, then you associate it with suicide, that’s messed up. So again I agree with you just pls keep my Purim out of this. Ah Freilichin (not a Tzibruchin) Purim!
If only people would know the real numbers of people struggling. People who because of mental health struggles fail to make a decent parnassa.
But some so callously point out they fear being enablers when they don’t really want to know the whole story.
What choice can someone squeezed everyday feel they have. How many times can they respond to a spouse that I don’t have money for groceries – Yet again.
It’s painful, because sadly what once were friends are now numb to a situation.
Happy Purim to all
Unfortunately, as someone who understands illness firsthand, I find nothing in this article beyond an illusion of addressing the issue. It’s the kind of piece that makes people feel like they’ve “done something” just by reading about others’ suffering—but in reality, nothing changes.
People love hearing about other people’s *tzaros*, so I’m sure this article will get plenty of views. But what’s the point? Does writing this remove the stigma? Tomorrow, will a girl in shidduchim be able to tell a shadchan she suffers from depression without being immediately crossed off the list? Will people be willing to make a shidduch with a family if they know the mother has a mental disorder?
Until these realities change, people will continue to suffer in silence while newspapers provide great Chol Hamoed reading material.
Agreed. So what’s the plan?
The conclusion of the OP is:
“What they need is someone who sees them, who understands them, who knows how to help, and who will guide them to the professional support they need.”
Unfortunately, “professional support” is not always what they need.
Before you start “helping people” in this way, read the book “Bad Therapy” by Avigail Shrier. She says that some therapists want to pathologize everyone (p. 135). They do this because it allows them to grow their business. Bad therapy is worse than no therapy.
TO LAmother:
Yes, you are correct. Exercise does help. Just search for “dose response curve for exercise and depression” in your favorite search engine, and you will see study after study proving that exercise can be effective at preventing and treating mild to moderate depression. HOWEVER, if you do cardio without a heart rate monitor, you could die of a heart attack. Less intense activity has less of an effect on mental health. Personal trainers and physical therapists can custom design an exercise program for an individual that is safe and effective. The problem is that it usually takes 2 or 3 months of exercise for 5-6 days/week for the depression to go away as a result of exercise. It’s hard to stick with it for such a long time without seeing results. If “Mom me” was my client, I would send her to the Catskills (or wherever) for the summer after getting an exercise prescription from a professional. It wouldn’t cure her problems, but she would make progress. I would guess that by the end of the summer she would be 50% dead instead of 90% dead.
Consider that most of our schools do not have any physical education at all. Children and adolescents (6-17 years old) are supposed to do 60 minutes or more of moderate or vigorous physical activity 5 days a week. Perhaps our schools should spend an hour a day encouraging kids to do wedding dances? Search for “dose response curve for exercise and depression in children”
Among the challenges that Yidden with mental health challenges is the fact that they can sometimes be ostracized just because they are l’moshal, depressed. I would encourage people to spend a little time this Purim Meshulash visiting such a person or lifting their spirits (assuming they want it).
Similarly, a Yid with autism also can face exclusion or even bullying. And sometimes they can feel depressed because of that exclusion.
Reb Moshe Feinstein wrote a Teshuva about someone who is tremendously developmentally disabled. The question was maybe he shouldn’t have a Bar Mitzvah because of the concern that he will say birchas hatorah. In the end he concludes that it *is* appropriate. But one thing jumps out of that Teshuva.
He says that chas v’shalom to make that person feel downcast and to make him feel like he isn’t part of Klal Yisroel. So much more so is this a problem when a developmentally challenged or depressed Yid is, chas v’shalom, intentionally excluded, mocked, or bulled.
With the zechus that we embrace our fellow Yidden (especially during this Purim Meshulash) who have inner challenges, we should overturn the gezeira caused by Kamsa and Bar Kamsa, and our Golus will quickly end in our days.
Suicide is a symptom of the pain. It emphasizes the ones that didn’t hold on. For every actualized suicide there are 10 or more people who didn’t get to that extreme. But the suffering is real. It is nice to call for action for a huge problem.
But what action to take?
Perhaps, make therapy normal. Rosh yeshivos and successful businesspersons should publicly talk about the therapy that they are taking anyway. A person who doesn’t go to therapy should have a *harder* time finding a shidduch. Therapy is only an admission that you aren’t perfect and could use some help. Whoever *can’t* make that admission should be ashamed, not vise-versa.
Thank you, YWN, for this important article. While we have made significant progress in reducing mental health stigma over the past decade, it is evident from our society today and the comments above that there is still much work to be done.
We all need to prioritize our mental well-being just as we do with our physical health. This is an essential aspect of being human. Mental health challenges can affect anyone, regardless of their beliefs or background.
The fifth Lubavitcher Rebbe, a remarkable spiritual leader, experienced depression and sought guidance from the renowned psychiatrist Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis. Their discussions led to the identification of the Rebbe’s struggles, and Freud provided valuable advice on how to cope. This story illustrates that even a revered spiritual figure, who has inspired countless individuals and made significant contributions to Torah, was not immune from mental health issues. More importantly, he recognized that he needed help and took the courageous step to seek it, despite his esteemed status.
With the right support, EVERYONE has the
ability to significantly enhance their circumstancess, regardless what it may be.
I think most of this comes from various financial issues. Parents scared of their kids to make proper decisions for them them.
You can put a brake on all these stupid spending ‘needs’ by not having any gemachs at all fir simchos. None whatsoever. You have money? Enjoy! You don’t? Use your shul backyard and have a seuda for immediate family for a chasuna.
Gemachs should help people pay tuition, purchase a starter home or medical needs.
It’s not a chessed to lend money to people who can’t afford it. It’s an avaira.
It’s not affordable for one who is earning 200,000 a year to spend 50,000-60,000 on a chasuna. And then blame high tuition!
i have a lot to say, like everyone else, but lets keep it short, specifically in response to cholent bean’s comment.
He asked why is this a topic for purim? Purim is a happy time.
My answer:
Because Purim, for me, at least, is my absolute worst day of the year. I hate, dread, despise, and loathe Purim.
And the reason for that is really the answer, or at least a contributor, to this whole question:
I suffered from mild depression. Personally, I thought/think I got ocer it, but apparently not. I’m contstantly told, either directly or subtly, to ‘cheer up’ ‘smile’ ‘life’s good’. I get people put on these mock stern faces when they talk to me, apparently an immitation at what I guess I look like. Etc. Etc.
It’s insulting. It’s mortifying. It puts immense self consioucness on me (social anxiety is probably led to my mild depression) and makes me want to, or sometimes actually, hibernate for a few days or later.
And, Like I mentioned, I think i’m passed my depression. but such commetns and actions force me to realize otherwise. And, true or not, I have by default a self-image of being depressed, and like anyone with any knowledge whatsoever can tell you, your perceived self image is the reality.
And Purim?
I can’t remember a single purim where i haven’t been told this. Last year i started wearing a mask owhen i go out on purim, but it’s hard to wear a mask the whole time–despite the fact that i stay home as much as possible. Last year i managed actually to make it thru purim w/o any insults, but i got it on shushan purim instead. a heavily laden, unsubtle, long, mocking speech about my “lack of freilichkeit”. [he was drunk]
By someone who had preciously been someone i considered a good friend. The resulty? I was mikalleil him besheim. And I swear no one wants to know a fraction the other aveiros he caused.
This year, in middle of the megillah–at night–a kid, half my age, motioned to me to smile (as he passed by to give his fellow kid some sort of noisemaker. So even if i looked sour, which i doubt, he deserved it. walking past someone in middle of megillah reading is disruptive, so w.o good causation, there’s no excuse) Not even half an hour into Purim and the worst day of the year
I’m getting long
so i’ll just say
this is coming from someone who had–sorry, has–mild depression, not the subject of this article. But in most cases, major depression stems from mild depression.
There have been many crisis dicussed here the past few months–shidduchim, seminaries, financial crisises–and menatl illness.
The one common denominator?
Soluton for at least 80% of these crisises:
MIDDOS.
Learn good middos.
Develop good midos.
It might be your own child’s life you’re saving.
Or creating.
sorry for the horrible spelling and mistakes.
Many do-gooders, usually the inspirational speakers type, love the topic of SIMCHA. They make such a huge deal of dealing with things BESIMCHA. Don;t lose your Smile! Hashem loves us!
What percentage of them ever worked a day in their life on SIMCHA? Happiness is nature. It doesn’t usually require work. Sure, if you stub your toe, smile and say Gam Zu Letoivah instead of snapping at your sister. Sure, sure. All such tzadikim.
Depression is an ilness. You don’t chastize someone with an illness, particularly when you haven’t the faintest notion what the heck you’re talking about.
“Tachas asher lo ovadta es hashem…BESIMCHA UVTUV LEIVAV!”
Yay! What a talmid chacham you are, you know a pasuk in chumash!
Rubbish.
The pasuk is obviously talking to each person on their level. The same way a pauper is mechabeid shabbos by serving fresh cucumbers instead of the moldy cucumbers he eats during the week, and no one dare be insensitive enough to scream “KAVOD SHABBOS” in his ears. Soemone who’s besimcha on their level at avodas hashem is the same thing.
To hell with them all.
I know several people whose depression and mental illness was triggered by either a routine vaccine or from toxic exposure to excess fumigation vapors.
Many of the symptoms we call mental illness are in fact triggered by toxins. We just don’t always put two and two together.
The human diet today is full of toxic pesticides, chemicals, drugs, plastics, etc
Is it any of wonder we are all so sick?
Maybe I am just clueless, but I am having an extremely difficult time understanding why this is coming out on Purim ? People unfortunately have mental issues all year. What does it have to do with purim ?