In response to the letter from “A Hopeful Jew,” who wrote a letter alleging that bochurim only wanting to date younger girls, I have to say—I get the frustration. I really do. But frustration doesn’t justify spreading misinformation about the shidduch crisis, especially when we finally have a real, data-backed plan to address the issue. The last thing we need is for misleading narratives to derail efforts that can make an actual difference.

Our approach to the shidduch crisis cannot be about feelings, speculation, or half-baked theories. They must be about cold, hard facts. The OU’s Center for Communal Research, commissioned by The Shidduch Institute, has provided real numbers that expose the myths plaguing the conversation. And it’s time we faced them.

For years, people have thrown around exaggerated claims about the so-called “age gap.” Five or six years? That’s simply not true. The median age gap between husbands and wives is two years—and even the average is only 2.5 years. The idea that 24- or 25-year-old bochurim categorically refuse to date girls their age is just false.

Now, let’s talk about the actual “crisis.” The actuarial models show that, due to the age gap, between 2.5% and 6.2% of women may struggle to find a spouse within the sample population. That number isn’t pulled out of thin air—it’s backed by research (Table 3).

More importantly, there’s a clear solution: closing the age gap to one year would virtually eliminate the imbalance. That’s exactly what the Gedolim are trying to accomplish.

There’s another painful truth: More boys than girls leave Yiddishkeit or drift away from the yeshivish world. It’s an unfortunate reality that further skews the numbers.

The math is simple:

• If 3% of men leave, the female surplus rises to 5.3%.
• If 5% leave, it jumps to 7.2%.
• If 10% leave, an alarming 12% of women could be left without a spouse in the sample population (Table 4).

This is not a game. These are real lives at stake.

Another major problem? The assumption that there are enough full-time learners for every girl who wants one. There aren’t.

Here’s how the numbers break down:

• Ages 18-20: 96% of bochurim are learning full-time.
• Ages 21-23: 83% are still in learning.
• Ages 24-26: That number drops to 72%.
• Ages 27-29: Now, it’s only 41%.
• Ages 30+: A mere 17% are still in full-time learning (Table 5).

If every girl who’s open to either a learner or a worker marries a learner, what happens to the girls who will only marry a full-time learner? There won’t be enough left. That’s a reality no one wants to face—but it’s real.

Some are trying to paint this initiative as unfairly targeting girls, telling them to “sit and wait.” That’s just nonsense. The real plan calls for girls to start shidduchim slightly later AND for bochurim to head to Eretz Yisroel earlier—shrinking the age gap from two years to one. This isn’t about “buying time.” It’s about fixing a systemic imbalance.

And let’s be honest—only about 20% of girls get married in their first year of dating. That first year doesn’t necessarily start right after seminary, either. Many already delay starting shidduchim on their own. The adjustment being proposed isn’t some radical overhaul; it’s a strategic shift that can drastically improve the numbers.

Most boys don’t start shidduchim until they return from Eretz Yisroel at 23 or 24. So when a 21-year-old girl is struggling to find dates, it doesn’t mean there’s no one for her—it often just means that her future chosson isn’t even in America yet.

That’s not a shidduch crisis. That’s a dating crisis. And the plan proposed by the gedolim addresses it by ensuring the numbers align better in the coming years.

No one is claiming this plan is perfect. But there is a stark reality we cannot ignore: If we don’t follow our leaders and Gedolim, we don’t have a solution.

This is the first time a research-backed approach has been put forward to actually solve the crisis at its root. And instead of rallying behind it, some people are looking for ways to tear it down. That’s not just irresponsible—it’s dangerous.

If this plan isn’t implemented, we already know what happens: more unmarried women, more families struggling, and more pain. If we stand in the way of this effort—whether by publicly opposing it or spreading misinformation—we will carry an unbearable burden. History will judge us. Beis Din Shel Maala will judge us.

Did we help or hurt the efforts to solve this crisis? The answer is up to us.

A final, painful question: What happens to the older singles already in the system?

The study doesn’t say that 2.5% to 6% (or even 10%) of girls will remain unmarried. It says that, based on the numbers, they may not find a spouse within mainstream yeshivish circles. That doesn’t mean they won’t get married. Many find their matches in Chassidish, Modern Orthodox, or previously married individuals.

But that doesn’t mean we can let the system keep running on autopilot. That would be irresponsible. Chazal and Rishonim emphasize the importance of marrying within one’s hashkafic circles. It is our duty—halachically, communally, and ethically—to act.

The bottom line is that the conversation around the shidduch crisis is too important to be hijacked by misinformation. It’s time to stop arguing over anecdotes and start listening to the facts.

The plan before us has the backing of data. It has the backing of Gedolim. It makes sense. And if we implement it, we can make a real difference.

The choice is simple: Do we stand in the way, or do we stand together to solve this crisis?

Signed,

Akiva Kleinberg

(Editor’s Note: The full research report from The Shidduch Institute can be downloaded by clicking here)

The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.