In response to the letter from “A Hopeful Jew,” who wrote a letter alleging that bochurim only wanting to date younger girls, I have to say—I get the frustration. I really do. But frustration doesn’t justify spreading misinformation about the shidduch crisis, especially when we finally have a real, data-backed plan to address the issue. The last thing we need is for misleading narratives to derail efforts that can make an actual difference.
Our approach to the shidduch crisis cannot be about feelings, speculation, or half-baked theories. They must be about cold, hard facts. The OU’s Center for Communal Research, commissioned by The Shidduch Institute, has provided real numbers that expose the myths plaguing the conversation. And it’s time we faced them.
For years, people have thrown around exaggerated claims about the so-called “age gap.” Five or six years? That’s simply not true. The median age gap between husbands and wives is two years—and even the average is only 2.5 years. The idea that 24- or 25-year-old bochurim categorically refuse to date girls their age is just false.
Now, let’s talk about the actual “crisis.” The actuarial models show that, due to the age gap, between 2.5% and 6.2% of women may struggle to find a spouse within the sample population. That number isn’t pulled out of thin air—it’s backed by research (Table 3).
More importantly, there’s a clear solution: closing the age gap to one year would virtually eliminate the imbalance. That’s exactly what the Gedolim are trying to accomplish.
There’s another painful truth: More boys than girls leave Yiddishkeit or drift away from the yeshivish world. It’s an unfortunate reality that further skews the numbers.
The math is simple:
- If 3% of men leave, the female surplus rises to 5.3%.
- If 5% leave, it jumps to 7.2%.
- If 10% leave, an alarming 12% of women could be left without a spouse in the sample population (Table 4).
This is not a game. These are real lives at stake.
Another major problem? The assumption that there are enough full-time learners for every girl who wants one. There aren’t.
Here’s how the numbers break down:
- Ages 18-20: 96% of bochurim are learning full-time.
- Ages 21-23: 83% are still in learning.
- Ages 24-26: That number drops to 72%.
- Ages 27-29: Now, it’s only 41%.
- Ages 30+: A mere 17% are still in full-time learning (Table 5).
If every girl who’s open to either a learner or a worker marries a learner, what happens to the girls who will only marry a full-time learner? There won’t be enough left. That’s a reality no one wants to face—but it’s real.
Some are trying to paint this initiative as unfairly targeting girls, telling them to “sit and wait.” That’s just nonsense. The real plan calls for girls to start shidduchim slightly later AND for bochurim to head to Eretz Yisroel earlier—shrinking the age gap from two years to one. This isn’t about “buying time.” It’s about fixing a systemic imbalance.
And let’s be honest—only about 20% of girls get married in their first year of dating. That first year doesn’t necessarily start right after seminary, either. Many already delay starting shidduchim on their own. The adjustment being proposed isn’t some radical overhaul; it’s a strategic shift that can drastically improve the numbers.
Most boys don’t start shidduchim until they return from Eretz Yisroel at 23 or 24. So when a 21-year-old girl is struggling to find dates, it doesn’t mean there’s no one for her—it often just means that her future chosson isn’t even in America yet.
That’s not a shidduch crisis. That’s a dating crisis. And the plan proposed by the gedolim addresses it by ensuring the numbers align better in the coming years.
No one is claiming this plan is perfect. But there is a stark reality we cannot ignore: If we don’t follow our leaders and Gedolim, we don’t have a solution.
This is the first time a research-backed approach has been put forward to actually solve the crisis at its root. And instead of rallying behind it, some people are looking for ways to tear it down. That’s not just irresponsible—it’s dangerous.
If this plan isn’t implemented, we already know what happens: more unmarried women, more families struggling, and more pain. If we stand in the way of this effort—whether by publicly opposing it or spreading misinformation—we will carry an unbearable burden. History will judge us. Beis Din Shel Maala will judge us.
Did we help or hurt the efforts to solve this crisis? The answer is up to us.
A final, painful question: What happens to the older singles already in the system?
The study doesn’t say that 2.5% to 6% (or even 10%) of girls will remain unmarried. It says that, based on the numbers, they may not find a spouse within mainstream yeshivish circles. That doesn’t mean they won’t get married. Many find their matches in Chassidish, Modern Orthodox, or previously married individuals.
But that doesn’t mean we can let the system keep running on autopilot. That would be irresponsible. Chazal and Rishonim emphasize the importance of marrying within one’s hashkafic circles. It is our duty—halachically, communally, and ethically—to act.
The bottom line is that the conversation around the shidduch crisis is too important to be hijacked by misinformation. It’s time to stop arguing over anecdotes and start listening to the facts.
The plan before us has the backing of data. It has the backing of Gedolim. It makes sense. And if we implement it, we can make a real difference.
The choice is simple: Do we stand in the way, or do we stand together to solve this crisis?
Signed,
Akiva Kleinberg
(Editor’s Note: The full research report from The Shidduch Institute can be downloaded by clicking here)
The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.
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72 Responses
My problem with the “100% facts and numbers” from this article and every article that I have read about this toic is the following:
It compares single girls to other scenarios of single girls. It never compares to single guys. ie “between 2.5% and 6.2% of women may struggle to find a spouse within the sample population.” Okay – if boys also have the same numbers, then all of the studies are then pointless, as boys are struggling the same way.
just a reminder, in the frum world, 50% of all those who are dating are girls, so to those in general who make comments how boys are getting more dates than girls, that is just not true (yes I understand how other variables may take into play, and yes some girls date a lot and some a few, but the reality is, the same number of dates that the “boy population” go on, are the same number that the “girl population” go on.
Unfortunately this does not do enough to solve . The gap is still significant . If girls wait a year and boys start even at 22 there is still a minimum 2 year gap. Really the boys should be going to Israel after 2nd year to more closely close the gap. I know they are trying to do something , and it will help, but it won’t fully solve it until boys and girls are marrying same age. And I fear that once again people will say this is the system and will be hard to make another change later.
Why don’t we hasidam, have a shiduch crisis? Because we do it the Yiddish way!
I agree with the data and the facts. I do not agree that the way to do this is to ask girls, who already nervous (for good reason) to wait. Simply put, very few people will listen to this. It’s not right to ask someone to potentially sacrifice their own chance of getting married to help the klal. Majority of boys go eretz yisroel by pesach of 3rd year anyway so the boys are not being asked to change what they are doing at all. The only way to make a lasting change is the have the boys start dating earlier which can mean going to eretz yisroel straight from high school, skipping eretz yisroel, or some combination. Anyone can do the math to figure out a way to get the boys to start dating at 20- 21 rather than 23-24. This is what the chassdim do, with no shidduch crisis.
Don’t plan on reading this long cheshbon, although I do respect your work and you’re probably right.
That being said the crisis in my opinion is cuz what we promote everyone must learn and all girls must want a top boy. There’s not enough top boys for all those girls its easier for a girl to be top than a boy. So we destructed our own doing we bought upon our own downfall shame on us or shame on you cuz I had no part in this mess
This is a serious question for those advocating for legislation limiting Shidduchim to a specific age range between the boys and girls. We know that Chazal say that 40 days before the child is created, a Bas Kol calls out “the daughter of Ploni is for Ploni”. Are you saying that you know that all Bas Kols call out shidduchim in this age range? And if not, are you advocating ignoring, so to speak, this bas kol for the greater good? (I am not going into the question of how can the “wrong people” be able to marry each other.)
Since you note the importance of considering “hard, cold facts” rather than speculation and feelings, you should read the study you linked to more carefully. On page 42 for example, the study makes clear that 1) It makes no determination as to whether there is actually an age gap problem; and 2) The actuarial models which would “predict” an age gap problem are missing a crucial variable which is not available. Therefore, it is extremely important that before anyone decides to drive an entire community up the wall about an alleged problem, they should first prove that such a problem exists, which neither you nor anyone else have done.
Avraham Mayerfeld
If anything, available data shows that the age-gap theory is a myth, see here
https://mishpacha.com/the-truth-behind-the-numbers/
I still haven’t taken the time to thoroughly understand all your points in the letter but I do commend you for signing your name.
I couldn’t agree more, finally, a solution is here, and we start bashing the idea. It makes no sense.
We need to rally behind the plan (the exact details of it are being worked out) and support it vocally and strongly.
Whether we are girls, boys, parents of girls and boys, teachers, seminary principals, Rabbonim, shadchanim, or just popular and influential people, we need to support and promote the Gedolim’s plan in every way we can.
We should really start a grassroots effort, “The Shidduch Pledge” that people can sign that they will do what they can to support and abide the Plan of the Gedolim. This way people that want to help can do so in a constructive way, by signing and help getting others to sign.
Oooop writes that very few will listen to this, you didn’t read the letter to realize why people will listen to this (only a very small percentage are either way getting engaged in the first year out of seminary a percentage of 20 percent), but rather wrote an idea not supported by the Gedolim that certainly won’t be listened to be by anyone.
No reason to try to sabotage the Gedolim’s plan with your cynicism and pessimism.
The first comment is from Bitul Torah247 is nonsensical, the survey certainly compared the surplus of boys to girls and concluded there is a surplus of girls vs boys.
You clearly didn’t read the survey and are spouting unhelpful nonsense and misinformation.
Yochy’s comment about there still being a two-year gap doesn’t make sense, there is currently a two-year AVERAGE age gap, Post- the Gedolim plan there will be a one-year age gap, It shows that you haven’t read the article or study, please don’t spread misinformation.
Eddie: I’m promoting following Daas Torah and common sense, as to your concerns about the Bas Kol, see Sotah daf beis with Rishonim, for further details speak to your Rav, no need to criticize the Gedolims plan – backed by commonsense with arguments that reflect a lack of broad Torah knowledge.
Common Sense8888888: With all due respect it doesn’t say anything about there not being an age gap on page 42, in regards to actuarial models lacking a crucial variable, I don’t understand what you are saying. The only missing input is the rate of attrition which is relevant to know the attrition rate beyond the 6.2 percent based on the current inputs.
The study you linked to with Mishpacha was not this study and didn’t sample the people off social media as this one did, and this was a larger sample size.
Please read the article and study again before bashing the Gedolim’s plan with misinformation.
Tp wrote a funny comment . Rally behind the plan and the details will be worked out.
Funny one TP.
Here is what is stated in the Mishpacha research article posted by “Commonsense8888” :
“The recalibrated analysis produced different results. We found that in the current age 25-29 cohort, 20% of women and 23% of men had never been married. In the current age 30-34 cohort, 9% of women and 9% of men had never been married. In the current age 35-39 cohort, 8% of women have never been married compared to 5% of men. In the current age 40-plus cohort, 4% of women and 4% of men have never been married.
Many factors contribute to the marriage rates. While the age-gap hypothesis has garnered the most attention, this study indicates that the true age gap is closer to only two years, and therefore is not a likely contributing factor”
Enough said?
To writes finally a solution is here.
Many people wonder a solution precisely for what?
You correctly state:
“Another major problem – The assumption that there are enough full-time learners for every girl who wants one. There aren’t.”
And I ask – By closing the age gap, how will that create “enough full time learners” to meet the demand????
Whoever said that the only “good boy” is the learning boy? Whatever happened to the very good boy who is a ירא שמים, a זהיר במצוות קלה כבחמורה and a boy who is בשמחה. Our society seems to have shunned those qualities as 2nd tier when in fact they are very top tier qualities. Girls schools must emphasize that as a first choice and then, I think, the crisis will also be minimized, the gap narrowed. Our girls are taught that if your boy isn’t a long-termer then you got a lower quality boy. That’s utter nonsense. If the boy is מקפיד to get up early, daaven & learn and then go to earn a living like he wrote in the כתובה contract he handed her under the חופה, and not the reverse, doesn’t brand him a lesser catch. If he’s a good husband and a good father, that should brand him a tier 1 boy: No?
Encourage singles to remain in and get married in America and then move as couples to Israel
By Rabbi Yitschak Rudomin
To one degree or another there has always been a “Shidduch Crisis” (a “matchmaking crisis” or “making of matches” crisis) since the dawn of time. The Torah starts off the book of Breishis with how the creation of one man alone, Adam, was not sufficient, how it was “not good for man to be alone” and therefore Chava was created to be an “ezer kenegdo” (helpmate) to Adam, with HaShem Himself in the role of Divine Matchmaker. Indeed, Judaism teaches that after HaShem had finished creating the world, he busies Himself with matching up men and women for marriage, a process that Judaism holds is “more difficult than the Krias Yam Suf”!
It’s just that in every era the circumstances change and the challenges take on new faces. In our own day and age in the Frum (religious) (Charedi) Yeshiva world in America the challenge is how to avoid a backlog and piling up of young singles who wish to get married but cannot find their “bashert” matches, hence “the Shidduch Crisis”!
Interestingly this “crisis” is not to be found in the American Chasidic, or in Israeli Charedi communities who manage to marry off their sons and daughters soon after turning eighteen, as the Mishna in Pirkei Avos and Halacha prescribe. It is the Litvish non-Hasidim in America who are complaining of too many girls remaining single long after they turn eighteen unable or unwilling to hook up with American Litvish young yeshiva men who are slightly older than them.
As the article above points out it is a serious challenge for many and some notable rabbis are looking for relatively drastic solutions as they seek advice and input from a senior rabbi in Israel. However, rabbis alone, no matter how great they are, are not able to solve behaviors in a vast social climate that has been decades in the making that is accepted as the norm by most American Charedi yeshiva people.
Sad to say it it difficult to see any real change happening for the better unless, for example, all the rabbis of Agudas Yisroel of America combined with the full support of the Degel HaTorah and Agudas Yisroel rabbis in Israel, fully study and acknowledge the problem and come to an UNANIMOUS agreement and implement policy changes on the ground in their yeshivas and related bais yaakovs (schools for girls) in America stopping “the year in Israel” phenomenon by the children of American Bnai Torah who are paying a high personal price for this known as the “Shidduch Crisis”.
Yes, if implemented, some Israeli institutions that rely on temporary Americans students will shrink or be shut down, but on the other hand the vast majority of American yeshiva boys and girls will remain home as they study in yeshivas and bais yaakovs nearer to home and at the same time making it much easier and timely to proceed with finding their Bashert Zivug (predestined match) soon after turning eighteen and not wasting time with year/s long trips overseas that accomplish very little since the same results can be obtained in American yeshivas and bais yaakovs.
This same policy change should stress that once married, the young newly-wed Yeshivisha couples should try their utmost to then spend a few years learning in Kollel in Israel and even for those who want to, to make Aliya to Israel, hopefully with support and encouragement from their parents, families and communities of origin! This in turn will see the growth of new Kollelim in Israel catering to Americans who will have hopefully chosen to make Israel their new temporary or hopefully permanent home!
One reason that American Chasidim don’t have this crisis is because they do not have the social custom of sending their children to learn or study in Israeli institutions around the time when they reach the earliest marriageable age of eighteen.
Boys and girls stay home or some boys live in a local yeshiva dormitories in America until they will date, get engaged and get married, and then decide if they want to stay on and learn in Kollel or if they want to go out and work and in some cases, some move to Israel.
While in Israel, the Charedi communities do not send their sons and daughters to far off lands to study and focus instead on the top priority of making Shidduchim and marrying their children off.
After all, a year of study in America would be a dream come true for the average Israeli religious youngsters, imagine of they were offered spending a year in New York or Lakewood, they would grab it, but instead common sense and economic practicalities prevail and the Frum (religious) Charedi parents in Israel keep their children close to home and ensure that after high school they date, get engaged and get married, which is the logical thing to do. Unlike American Charedim who have developed a fanciful phenomenon of sending their sons and daughters away to Israel when they should be also dating at home in America instead.
Only American Haredi Yeshivish parents feel they are “obligated” (Why? Who says it must be so? When did this become the norm? How much can they afford it financially) to send their sons and daughters away from home after high school to spend a year or two enjoying life in Israel, while their Chasidic counterparts in America and Haredi Yeshiva families in Israel are busy with the real-life agenda of getting down to the business of marrying off their children as soon as possible after turning eighteen.
One cannot have two chief agendas of Shidduchim versus learning in Israel competing with each other.
As long as American yeshiva families insist on sending their sons and daughters away to Israel when in fact they should be dating for marriage purposes instead there will always be these “age disparities” with mostly girls at a disadvantage as they wait for boys to come home from Israel and then to come out of the so-called “freezers” a process implied and described in the above article and hence an ever-present ongoing real life “Shidduch Crisis”!
In case anyone thinks I am against Aliya, I hereby state that I am not against Aliya, and I wish that every young Jewish couple getting married in America would make Aliya after they get married and as a couple move to Israel and build a Bayis Ne’eman B’Yisrael!
People have lost sight of the reason why young Frum Jewish yeshiva boys and bais yaakov girls are sent to Israel in the first place. One reason is that a mere fifty years ago the American yeshiva world was still in its infancy rebuilding a Torah world that was lost in the Holocaust. The Roshei Yeshiva and leaders were looking for ways to intensify and speed up the process of turning their young students into mature Bnai Torah (Torah Jews) and sending a few select male students to learn in Israel was seen as a way of boosting the personal Torah and spiritual growth of those students, and it succeeded. But then it became fashionable for girls who had just graduated high school to jump on the “year in Israel” bandwagon and enterprising people set up seminaries to bring them in in droves, while it then became accepted for virtually all American yeshiva boys to spend a year in Israel whether they needed it or not.
Today, once the average Bais Yaakov girl finishes twelfth grade in America she is, or should be, supremely well-educated in the complex world of Torah. The education they receive today is intense and thorough. The year in Israel for most is a luxury of touring and having a good time that takes them out of focusing on their real goal of Shidduchim and marriage.
But then somewhere along the line, due mainly to safe, easy and cheap air travel to and from Israel introduced in the 1970s, it became a fad and a craze and suddenly a “year in Israel” became a must-do on everyone’s Shidduch resume regardless of what they did with their time in Israel.
And at a great personal expense too as parents were put under huge financial pressures to pay anywhere from twenty to fifty thousand dollars each per year for girls expenses, air travel back and forth, and dorming in seminaries and for boys yeshivas in Israel.
It was great for those Americans in Israel who set up seminaries and yeshivas catering to American students who have the customers who come and spend like crazy for the privilege of being in “elite” seminary A, B or C. But what about the poor parents back home who have many children and are financially exhausted and depleted as they try to do this for every child in a large family, and then later try to make lavish weddings and support their children in Kollel to top it off.
It is an unsustainable model and no wonder it is showing serious cracks with various “crises” such as the “Shidduch Crisis”, the “Tuition Crisis”, the “Housing Crisis”. “the Cost of Living Crisis”, “the OTD Crisis” etc.
In the meantime the Hasidim in America and the Haredim in Israel are totally unburdened by this conundrum. They are able to shepherd their sons and daughters to the Chuppah and married life relatively quickly after age eighteen as they don’t have to send their children away from for a year or two that creates artificial “age gaps” and they are not burdened by the costs of sending their children overseas but can rather save their money to make weddings for their children and pay for tuition and Kollel expenses instead.
A final analogy to sum up. Imagine that one has a terrible toothache and goes to the dentist who says there is no choice and a root canal procedure must be performed. Or even worse, say a person is in need of serious surgery!
Would it be normal or logical for the patient to say they must first take off one year to go touring or studying overseas?
Of course not!
The correct decision is to listen to the doctor and perform the medical procedure as soon as possible to alleviate the pain and suffering of the suffering patient.
The Shidduch Crisis is a festering sore, a self-inflicted wound, in the heart of the Frum yeshiva world.
It is as if thousands of young people and their parents are suffering pain and agony as the time for the young people to get married is delayed with trips overseas and unnecessary time delays.
No matter how noble the cause, it cannot take precedence over one of the most fundamental urgent things in life of finding one’s soul mate, getting married and starting a family, a Bayis Ne’eman BeYisrael, building a true Jewish home and strengthening the foundations of the Jewish People!
With all due respect to tp, I didn’t argue with anyone. I asked a question, which you didn’t answer. If your answer to my question is “good question, you can take it up in shiur, but we still have to listen to our Gedolim”, I agree 100% and am on board with that. I was just asking an innocent question. No need to get all defensive.
Like every other “plan” to solve the hyped “shiduch crisis”, this one will also fail to achieve its stated objectives but will further increase the stress on already stressed out younger generation.
Shidduch Crisis Idea:
REDUCE THE NUMBER OF OVERWEIGHT GIRLS!
In the very early 2000s, I spoke to 50 shadchanim,
by telephone, and I asked all of them:
“What are the biggest problems that harm shidduchim?”
The top two answers were: “short boys” and “fat girls”.
Short men cannot become taller, so I will not discuss them.
But FAT GIRLS can become thinner,
so we must do something about that.
FAT GIRLS remain a constant problem, that cannot
be solved by giving financial incentives to shadchanim,
nor can this problem be solved by changing
the ages at which singles start shidduchim.
Instead of spending 1 or 2 years in Seminary,
which is a huge waste of money and total waste of time,
single girls should spend 1 or 2 years in the gym,
or long-distance running, to become thinner.
The weight and size they lose will do more
to help them get married than ANY Seminary.
Recently, I saw a teenage Chareidi girl
who was 5 feet tall and 5 feet wide.
In a few years, she will be attempting shidduchim.
Why should any 15-year-old Frum girl be 5 feet tall and 5 feet wide?
Why? Why?? WHY???
there is so much to unpack , however the first point is – yasher koach godol on the sincere efforts time & money , to analyze bishvil mee haraah hazeh.
more points after a little iyun and some anivus for those who tried very hard to do something
Regarding this talk of “research”, “data”, etc., what is the science behind it? They emailed a survey and whoever chose to respond was counted towards the data (and research) and whoever didn’t respond wasn’t included? That wouldn’t necessarily reflect an accurate view of the actual figures.
It seems that, unfortunately, there is no real knowledge of what the actual figures are. A true scientific sampling would be needed, though expensive and difficult to gather. And, apparently, that is yet to occur.
I read the whole article and I agree with op: Why would we encourage girls (or anyone) to delay marriage. Sounds like a dangerous precedent? And why are we not encouraging boys to marry at a younger age (and preparing them/supporting them in doing so) to girls closer to their age?
Several people on this forum referenced the Mishpacha article at https://mishpacha.com/the-truth-behind-the-numbers/, which ostensibly shows that the shidduch gap theory is a myth or at least, in their words, “not likely a contributing factor.”
With all due respect, I have no idea what that article is talking about whatsoever. Firstly, it claims that in the Yeshivish community, 9% (1 out of 11) of men between 30-34 in the yeshivish segment have never been married. Really? But more importantly, it claims that AN EQUAL PERCENT (9%) OF WOMEN in that same age bracket have never been married. Gee whiz. Obviously the age-gap theory is “not likely a contributing factor”, because there is no shidduch crisis whatsoever according to this article.
Yaapchik
Assuming you properly davened this morning, then you actually mouthed the answer.
אֵלּוּ דְבָרִים שֶׁאָדָם אוכֵל פֵּרותֵיהֶם בָּעולָם הַזֶּה וְהַקֶּרֶן קַיֶּמֶת לו לָעולָם הַבָּא. וְאֵלּוּ הֵן. כִּבּוּד אָב וָאֵם. וּגְמִילוּת חֲסָדִים. וְהַשְׁכָּמַת בֵּית הַמִּדְרָשׁ. שַׁחֲרִית וְעַרְבִית. וְהַכְנָסַת אורְחִים. וּבִקּוּר חולִים. וְהַכְנָסַת כַּלָּה. וּלְוָיַת הַמֵּת. וְעִיּוּן תפילה. וַהֲבָאַת שָׁלום בֵּין אָדָם לַחֲבֵרו וּבֵין אִישׁ לְאִשְׁתּו.
Yup, all top tier 1 qualities
HOWEVER…..
וְתַלְמוּד תּורָה כְּנֶגֶד כֻּלָּם
In regards to the Mishpacha article many have referenced, the respondents for that survey were recruited via social media, and as such the population sampled reflected that crowd and not the Mainstream Yeshiva crowd, and the results of that study are irrelevant to our community.
The survey above by The Shidduch Institute was well funded through generous askanim, and advertised with ads in Mishpacha, Matzav, and Living Lchaim and therefore attracted a sample population from the Mainstream Yeshiva world. As a test, you can ask ten people in the mainstream Yeshiva community if they took either survey and you will see that no one took the Mishpacha survey which Touro College did, but many people in our community participated in The Shidduch Institute study above that was under the direction of Rav Ahron Lopianksy, Rav Uri Deutsch, Rav Chaim Schabes, and Rav Chaim Meir Roth all prominent Rabbanim IN our community.
On behalf of Klal Yisroel and Bnos Yisroel, we thank you for not spreading misinformation about the Shidduch crisis.
Wackyway In response to your question about there not being enough learning boys, and asking how closing the age gap will help.
1) The study doesn’t show that there aren’t enough learning boys all it shows is that if the girls open to learning and working boys marry learning boys then there will be a shortage, but otherwise we are fine (except for the fact that there is an age gap, that the Gedolims plan will solve).
2) As boys get older fewer are in full-time learning, but the study says that it isn’t a problem as the older girls are similarly open to working boys at that point.
3) If there was a shortage of learning boys then still closing the age gap would help, due to population growth.
On behalf of Klal Yisroel and Bnos Yisroel we thank you for refraining from spreading misinformation about the Shidduch Crisis.
UJM: In regards to your question the data, you clearly haven’t read the study which was conducted by highly trained professionals in this area.
If you read the methodology report attached you will see that they sampled the study from various angles (sampling marrieds, sampling singles, sampling parents of marrieds and parents of singles) to come to a scientifically valid and true conclusion.
If you don’t have decades of experience with studies please don’t comment on their scientific validity.
On behalf of Klal Yisroel and Bnos Yisroel, we thank you for refraining from spreading misinformation about the Shidduch Crisis.
Dbrim: The plan does call for boys to go to EY earlier, and there is already a shift in boys marrying closer to their age.
The overwhelming vast majority of girls do not get married before Shavous in the first year out of seminary, so this is not a radical change but will do a tremendous amount for Klal Yisroel and Bnos Yisroel.
Just like no one gets engaged in 11th grade now no one gets engaged before Shavous in the first year out of seminary, it is a mindset shift. There is nothing dangerous about listening to our Gedolim it has gotten us through 2000 plus years of Galus, what is dangerous is if we constantly doubt our Gedolim.
On the behalf of Klal Yisroel and Bnos Yisroel, we thank you for refraining from spreading misinformation, cynicism, or pessimism about the Shidduch crisis or the Gedolims plan.
Pine 5900: Rallying behind the Gedolim’s plan before the exact details and dates are released isn’t a funny joke, it is what made us a nation in the year 2448, our declaration of Naaseh Vnishama.
On a practical level, societal change can only happen in a partnership of Rabbinic Leadership and grassroots efforts, the Rabbonim are working tirelessly on this, it’s time we stepped up to the plate as well and did our part in supporting their efforts.
Gadolhorah: There were pessimists and cynics all along history starting from the Eirev Rav to people in our times, you have a choice to make and you will have to face G-D after 120 to answer for your actions. Make a smart choice.
On behalf of Klal Yisroel and Bnos Yisroel, we thank you for not spreading cynicism and pessimism about the Shidduch Crisis and the Gedolims Plan.
one cannot question daas Torah
Quit the anger here
If there is no atheist in fox holes there’s no rabbi in your bathroom, it just ain’t going to happen, is a joke…… Your not going to get anybody personal life, he might like and enjoy God but when it comes to his “cup” it’s night……..
After there is no more Israel and the medina and all this sugar of having to speak to some rosh yeshiva in Israel. It will go back to the old times something like the chasidim the kid has a couple girl friend from age five and they play then age ten they have to study age fifteen it’s already on the books for marriage and then they get married
its a long serious study and needs a iyun shiur.
2 quick points ,
if the focus is american yeshivish why did they include all those that answered chassidish , heimish , or other .. in a class of 25 each kid is 4% – so it seems that would throw the numbers way off , on age, number of kids…
2. in the question of secular movies & blue shirts if 35% said yes that again seems to throw it off
even if the age gap is off by a few percentages how does it explain the total lopsided experience that a regular girl can go 7-8 months w/o a date?
finally lets say that by age 30 90 % per cent are married is that not a crisis?
tzorich iyun
lakewoodbt
One may absolutely question daas torah. Just because someone got a shtellar as a Rosh yeshiva doesn’t give him the power to rule over klal yisroel and force everyone to follow his opinion.
tp: I didn’t claim that the OU study says that there is no age gap. My point is that the study that you seem to think proves the age gap theory does no such thing. To quote page 42, “This study does not determine the presence or absence of a crisis.”
Further, larger “sample size” or not, this study does not discuss at all male vs. female numbers of singles at any age, unlike the Mishpacha study, which I agree has limitations. Further, the actuarial models used that would suggest that an age gap could play a significant role in anyone’s life, are predictive, not statements of fact. The models are based on many assumptions which may or may not be true, or that may be offset by countless other factors, such as people dying.
Of course, even if there is actually an age gap, there are many other factors which cause much more difficulty in shidduchim, making any age gap problem batel b’shishim – some of which are explained beautifully in the study itself.
tp 1:30
Everyone knows that there are more good girls than there are good boys, whether or not this particular study proves it or not. I’m in the shidduch parsha for many years and have spoken to dozens of shadchanim, family members and friends, rabbonim and kli kodesh and not one person every attempted to state that there are enough “top bochrim” to meet the demand. Its a known fact that there aren’t enough good boys.
Closing the age gap will NOT help create more good bochrim, its not like at age 21 or 22 there is a greater percentage of top bochrim and at 23 there less.
There has NEVER been a time where there weren’t any bochrim on the market. There has ALWAYS been bochrim on the shidduch market and there will always be. I’ll say this again. Never has there time a time where girls could not get a date because every single boy in BMG was either married or engaged.
The one and only problem is that the girls are brainwashed by their seminaries to only marry long term learners and top bochrim. My daughter went out many times and said no to each and every boy she met. No one was yet good enough. I have older nieces and neighbors with older daughters – they mach avek any shidduch thats not “top”
And thats why the chassidim dont have our problem. Because the average chassideshe girl isn’t looking for a future klei kodesh. A torahdig erliche baalbos is perfectly fine. Among us, one of the first questions asked is – is the boy a long term learner. We ask, because many boys aren’t
The chassidim almost never ask that question, because long term learner isn’t necessarily part and parcel of chassidic hashkafa. Its for the yechidim, not the hamon am
And thus, the whole “age gap crisis” is one big hoax. No Rosh Yeshiva is willing to admit that the seminaries are doing a better job with the girls than they are doing with the boys. So they are blaming it on age gap. Nonsense.
If every Rav, posek and Rosh Yeshiva gave a psak that girls 23 and over must marry part time learners or working boys, there would be no crisis
tp, I redd to my neighbor’s 24 year old daughter a wonderful 25 year old bochur, a great erliche learning boy with similar personality to the girl. They rejected the shidduch because the families are too different and “they can’t see it”
Age gap crisis my foot. Todays girls would rather wait and remain single than to settle on their dream husband. Its a crisis created by our high school and seminary teachers and nothing to do with how many males were born in a certain year
tp 1:50
The shidduch crisis didnt just become a crisis in the last year or two. This has been on going for YEARS. Where were all the Gedolim until now?????
Sorry, after our daughters have been crying for years and trying every segula in the book and many more not in the books, now we should be all impressed seeing Rabbonim Krechtzing and shedding a tear ?????
We are struggling to find shidduchim and now we should put ourselves into a situation where an entire year we should not be able to make shidduchim because a bunch of older girls are too fussy and picky ??????
THIS MAKES NO SENSE !!!!
tp said: The overwhelming vast majority of girls do not get married before Shavous in the first year out of seminary, so this is not a radical change
Sorry my friend, but that was an incredibly stupid statement. While its possible that most girls don’t actually get married before the first Shavuos, thats not because they weren’t in the parsha and didn’t try !! Thats because either no one good enough was redd to her, or because many, if not most girls do not get engaged to their first boy they meet.
So yes, to lock in a girl and place her in a freezer for an ENTIRE YEAR is a HUGE RADICAL CHANGE!!!!
To tp I didn’t read the whole thing honestly but what do you mean there is currently only a 2 yrs gap. As far as I know most girls are wanting to start at 19 when they return from seminary and the boys have been delaying to 23 some even 24 that is a 4 year gap as far as I can tell and this would at best narrow it to 2 or 3. Where have I gone wrong?
There is nothing dangerous about listening to our Gedolim it has gotten us through 2000 plus years of Galus
Ha, thats funny. Do our Gedolim approve of you leaving leaving comments on the treife internet ??????
Hey tp, are you aware that this very website that you are commenting on is promoting the Eretz Hakodesh organization which is condemned by many Gedolim?
Thats right my friend. Your hypocrisy is outstanding. You are preaching away that we must follow the Gedolim, on a site, that is promoting an organization that many/most Gedolim are against.
Shame on you
tp says:
March 9, 2025 11:48 pm at 11:48 pm
Yochy’s comment about there still being a two-year gap doesn’t make sense, there is currently a two-year AVERAGE age gap, Post- the Gedolim plan there will be a one-year age gap
Not sure which planet tp lives on. The average girl coming back from seminary is 19 and the average bochur coming back from EY is 23+
Wackyway
1) You are right about the shortage of good boys, however a smaller age gap will help as there are more 22 year old boys than 23 year old boys due to our population growth, kah. Therefore even if the cause of the problem isn’t an age gap, a smaller age gap can still help solve it.
2) With regards to girls not wanting working boys, you are making a very good point, but you are thinking black and white, there can an age gap affecting 5-8 percent of girls as well as another problem of girls with unrealistic expectations.
It isn’t either or it’s just that changing people’s mind on their expectations of who to marry is very hard, but certainly more realistic education from girls teachers would go a very long way.
3) With regards to working boys, if as a community we would provide them with more support that would also be very helpful, but that is a related but separate discussion.
4) With regards to the Rabbonim not having done anything till now, I hear your pain, and it is a difficult and painful point, if I had a way to ease your pain I would, and your pain certainly needs and deserves empathy and validation. That said to say that we will disregard the solution currently proposed is cutting your nose in spite of your face. If it’s a good solution then let’s forget about the Rabbonim for a moment and implement the solution.
5) Regarding girls having to wait till Pesach/Shavous, a different perspective that may make it easier for you to understand and digest is that we will be telling the boys (and perhaps the shadchanim) not to date girls who are right off the boat but rather should wait till Pesach/Shavous to date them and therefore should date older girls, so it will help the girls get more dates once they are in the game and even out the game once the girl enters the Parsha.
So we aren’t telling the girls what to do as much as the boys and to shadchanim.
6) You are right that girls are trying to get married the first year out of seminary even before Pesach/Shavous but the numbers show that the vast majority aren’t too successful in doing so, as such under the new system they will be spared that frustration and only enter the dating system Pesach/Shavous and then Iyh face a better more even dating field and have an easier less stressful time getting appropriate dates.
7) Lastly I give you a sincere bracha that your daughter should find her shidduch quickly and easily and you should have only simchos and menuchas hanefesh in life, and this whole painful parsha should be behind you.
Yochy: Thanks for your question, the answer is that although the girls are entering the shidduch scene at 19 and the boys at 23-24, the irony is that most girls don’t get engaged right away, rather they spend years in the Parsha, and therefore the age gap is only 2 years currently.
Meaning many girls don’t get engaged till 21 and then marry a 23 year old others till 22 and marry and 24 year old, yet others marry at 24 to a 25 year old boy, yet others marry at 26 to a 25 year old boy, and yet others marry at 28 to a 26 year old boy. The result of this is that on AVERAGE the age gap is 2 years.
Ironically enough this means that the shidduch crisis has somewhat solved itself, meaning that the there aren’t enough boys for the 19 year old girls and therefore they don’t get married for a few years till more boys come back from EY, and then marry someone closer to their age. That being said there is a dating crisis because the girls cannot find boys to date because all the 19,21,22,23-year-old girls want to date just the 23,24-year-old boys, with time this solves itself as they simply don’t get dates. But the under the new system it won’t be so hard to get dates as the 19-year-olds won’t be in the pool.
That said there is still a 2-year age gap which is a problem as outlined in the study so the plan is to bring it to one year which will then be ok, as each year there are more boys born than girls 105-103 boys born for every 100 girls each year (I don’t know why that is but its a scientific fact), so the 1 year age gap on AVERAGE will be offset by the more boys being born.
Dear folks. If any one thinks there may be a shidduch crisis please hire the proper researchers to research it. Until then let’s please refrain from coming up with solutions and fixes. I hope we can all agree to my humble comment can’t we???? Please??
Enough of this top-down hegamony. כׇל־הָֽעֵדָה֙ כֻּלָּ֣ם קְדֹשִׁ֔ים וּבְתוֹכָ֖ם יְהֹוָ֑ה.
Akiva Kleinberg’s impassioned defense of the so-called “data-backed” solution to the shidduch crisis is a textbook example of a self-inflicted problem being used to justify even more centralized control. First, rabbinic leaders build a rigid system with artificially imposed constraints—an expectation of full-time learning for bochurim, an insistence on early marriage for women, and a narrow definition of acceptable matches. Then, when that system inevitably produces imbalances, they declare an emergency and demand that the same authority that created the problem be entrusted with fixing it.
Let’s be clear: there is no fundamental reason why marriage must be arranged with strict age parameters, nor why a significant portion of women must only marry full-time learners, nor why shidduchim must follow a narrow, prescriptive formula set by “communal research.” These constraints are not halachic imperatives; they are policy choices, often made with little room for individual autonomy.
The proposed solution—to artificially engineer a one-year age gap by shifting the timing of seminary and Eretz Yisroel programs—amounts to social engineering. It treats individuals as statistics to be manipulated rather than as people with agency. Worse, it reinforces the mindset that marriage is a logistical problem for central planners to solve, rather than a deeply personal journey.
Even the so-called “data” Kleinberg touts is revealing. If, as he admits, there are more boys than girls leaving the system, then the obvious solution is not further bureaucratic meddling but an honest conversation about why so many young men find the yeshivish world untenable. If we truly care about the future of Jewish marriages, perhaps we should focus less on micromanaging the dating pipeline and more on fostering an environment where more young men want to stay within the fold.
And what of the girls already caught in the system? Kleinberg’s cold reassurance that they can find matches outside the yeshivish world is breathtakingly callous. If these women were expected to conform to rigid social norms their entire lives, why is it now acceptable to tell them to simply go elsewhere? It is deeply ironic that we impose constraints, create a surplus of unmarried women, and then, when those women find themselves in a bind, we suggest they look to other communities rather than rethink the policies that created the problem in the first place.
The real shidduch crisis is not mathematical; it is structural. It is the refusal to acknowledge that a one-size-fits-all approach to dating, marriage, and learning is inherently flawed. The way forward is not more top-down control but more flexibility, more room for personal choice, and less fear of allowing individuals to shape their own futures.
Listen to me Yidden I’ve been around shidduchim for a while.
The true “Shidduch crisis” is that a relatively small % of the girls get an outsized % of the “Yes’s” from boys on the Market.
Girls with more impressive externalities (resume/picture) can get 2+ prospects a week while girls perceived as less externally impressive can go years without a date.
The parents of these poor girls rightly raise havoc which is then interpreted and blamed on hazy data about the effects of age gaps which may not have been noticed otherwise.
It is obvious that no parent of an older unmarried daughter who dated 50 guys would complain about a systematic flaw.
This is the whole truth.
I am not proposing any solutions but as long as our outlook and process is predicated on externalities (reputations/resumes/pictures) girls on the perceived lower end will suffer.
Reply to unommin. I was going to make a comment, but was humbled by yours. Thank you for your great points
Pine5900: Thanks for your comment, but please note that researchers were hired, and the study above is their conclusion.
Commonsense: I don’t believe the 6.2 percent of girls affected by the age gap are botul bshissim it’s more like 1/20, and people are a davar choshuv and not botul, and exactly who do you want to be botel? Your daughter? Your sister?
Call from the Wilderness: Even if you don’t like hegemony if the idea being presented by them makes sense, it seems silly to push it aside because of your understandable dislike of hegemony
unomin: You write very well and make some great points, that said I think the change in attitude you advocate for while extremely important needs to be something we individually work on in our personal lives and our homes. The problem above requires a communal solution, as for the time being we live in a collective society, and even if we can move towards a more individualistic society it makes sense to in the meantime do what we can to improve the society for all of us. Imperfect implemented solutions are infinitely better then perfect unimplemented solutions, so being practical and pragmatic while also looking at the big picture as you have is very worthwhile.
Wackyway (and everybody else) If I have come across as overly sharp or insulting I apologize, I’m very passionate about this topic and stand by everything I wrote and believe that misinformation and unpractical ideas can be harmful in this extremely important topic. That said I certainly don’t mean to insult or offend anyone personally with this.
It’s worth a try because Gedolim are backing the idea, but let’s not get confused that “cold hard data and facts” is the solution.
Hakadosh Baruch Hu runs the world. If he deems it it work, it will work..if not, then it simply won’t…no matter how much “sophisticated” data analytics went into it
Love your cold hard numbers, but without explaining where these numbers were obtained, it is hard to imagine there’s no bias in your information gathering. Please address this before accusing anyone of misleading narratives. Your answer shouldn’t be that we got it from Agudah, explain the methodology of the research.
Tp. No one did any real research to support any of this stuff. Gimme a break. It’s 3rd grade charts and graphs. It’s embarrassing. To bother Rabbis with this is so sad. How dare people waste their time on this . Fake News . Please don’t gedolim me. .
Tp this 61 page report is all over the place and I don’t think it has anything to share that is useful. I’m shocked they put this out as it is very all over the place and has lots of feelings and ideas, but little to no data. 61 pages saying what??
TP, my batel b’shishim reference was not directed at any singles chas v’shalom. I was explaining that the theoretical age gap is an insignificant factor compared to the much more devastating factors impacting shidduchim for everybody, which the study and the comments discuss. I take issue with attempting to “solve” the least important factor, even if it does exist, rather than focusing on the more obvious factors at play.
Wasn’t there some letter urging a takanah to fine any girls parents who marry off their daughter before age twenty. Yes twenty. At 18 she goes to seminary and 19 waits to turn twenty. What a chutzpah. And any rabbi who says such an idea can join the open orthodox gang. The old Satmar rebbe reb yoilish would take such a rabbi and give him Malkus. Marry off your daughters young. Forget about seminary in Israel. Girls going to seminary will have a harder time finding a Shidduch. They will miss the boat. There are seven girls for every guy. A guy would rather marry an 18 year old than a girl in her twenties who is usually more demanding.
real yid, Read the original study this is based on. It makes clear that most girls are not getting married until after 20 anyways. This idea just formalizes what is mostly already happening.
Unknown, the research is all laid out clearly in the link at the end of the post, it is worth a read.
justsmile613 I could not agree more! That being said, we should all be on board with this new initiative. It seems like this may be the best chance we have for the Tzibbur to rally behind a cohesive solution.
Here’s a novel idea.
Instead of asking girls to date later or boys to date earlier, don’t allow any parental support.
Magically, no 19yo girl fresh off the boat from seminary with no degree or parnassa will be getting any calls from boys in learning.
Will also solve the working boy crisis as well.
And the gashmius crisis as the young couple appreciates the value of money.
And the real estate crisis as people won’t be outbid by Poppas throwing money around.
etc etc.
In all seriousness, we removed the obstacle of parnassa from a young lady’s needs before getting married and then turn around and wonder what happened. When kollel became the norm (think 2000-2015) they got degrees and a job before they got married or close to it. That took time….
“A guy would rather marry an 18 year old than a girl in her twenties who is usually more demanding.”
Not necessarily
My 23 year old son specifically did not want an 18/19 year old fresh off the seminary boat who has no clue how the real world works. He wanted a mature girl and he married a 22 year old
Agree with wackyway.
Many boys are looking for a more mature girl who has fallen off the seminary high.
And if it becomes the norm to marry girls closer to their ages, I dont think most boys will have a problem with it.
TP5900 and Unknown: I don’t understand you at all, there is a detailed report attached with the study methodology, if you don’t read it, why are you commenting on its validity?
tp I don’t agree with what you are implying that most girls aren’t getting married anyway until 21 and therefore it kind of corrects itself. From everything I have seen 50-60% of the class is getting married at 19 and 20 and then stragglers at 21 and 22 but way way slowed down at that point until eventually close to 0.
yochy: I’m not implying anything; I’m simply stating the facts: only 20 percent of girls get engaged the first year in shidduchim (as per the study), so the max that can get engaged before pesach shavous would be 10-15 percent, however being that this is the first year THEY START DATING which isn’t the same as the year they come back from seminary at age 19. So I stand by my original statement that only 5-7 percent get engaged before Pesach/Shavous the first year out of seminary (the exact age will depend on their birthdays- and I don’t have access to say if they are 19-20).
With a brocha and teffila, everyone finds their shidduch with ease.
P.S. I certainly didn’t mean anything personally, and I apologize if I was overly sharp or insulting.
The data I was referring to is on Page 29, table 12, it says only 22 percent of girls marry the first year in the system, which, as mentioned, is not necessarily the first year out of Seminary because many girls do not begin shidduchim in JFK immediately after landing from BJJ but rather wait for Pesach.