Who am I to challenge the gedolim of our generation? I say this with complete sincerity—I have the deepest respect for our rabbanim and roshei yeshiva, whose wisdom and guidance shape our communities. The ongoing initiative to address the shidduch crisis is undoubtedly well-intentioned, driven by a genuine concern for Klal Yisroel.
And yet, I cannot stay silent. Because while I respect our leadership, I also respect the thousands of bnos Yisroel who are waiting in pain, their lives effectively put on hold as the crisis worsens. And instead of fixing the root of the problem, we are now telling these girls to wait even longer.
The proposed solution to the shidduch crisis is to delay girls from entering shidduchim for an extra year. Let’s be clear about what this means. We are preserving the status quo for boys while telling young women to hold their lives in limbo for the system to “balance itself.” But balance at whose expense? The emotional toll of this waiting period is devastating—helplessness, uncertainty, and frustration.
Why is the onus always on the girls? Why should they be the ones making sacrifices?
Let me ask a simpler question: Why does a 24- or 25-year-old bochur need to marry an 18-year-old girl? Would it not make more sense to align the ages of boys and girls entering shidduchim, rather than pushing girls back another year?
This isn’t just about numbers—it’s about fairness. We have built a rigid, artificial system where boys always have younger options, while girls are forced into an impossible situation.
And that leads us to the real issue, one that nobody seems willing to confront.
Why do so many boys refuse to date girls their own age? Why has it become the norm for a 24-year-old bochur to only consider an 18-year-old girl? Why is a 21- or 22-year-old girl considered “too old”, while an 18-year-old is seen as ideal?
Let’s stop pretending this is just a numbers problem. This is a cultural problem—a mindset that has been ingrained into the system for so long that we don’t even stop to question it. We have created an environment where bochurim feel entitled to the youngest match possible, as if anything beyond that is a downgrade.
And here’s the most baffling part of it all: These are boys who have spent years immersed in limud torah and developing their middos—yet when it comes to shidduchim, their primary concern is that a girl shouldn’t be “too old”?
Where is this coming from? How does a system that claims to produce Bnei Torah also produce a generation of young men who will outright refuse to go out with a girl just a few years closer to their own age?
What does it say about our values when the same boys who spend hours learning about chessed, anivus, and yiras shamayim refuse to even consider a 22-year-old girl—but will happily meet an 18-year-old?
This mindset is deeply problematic, and it is fueling the very crisis we claim to be solving.
By encouraging boys to constantly choose younger, we have manufactured a system where women in their early twenties—perfectly wonderful, smart, kind, and growth-oriented women—are overlooked simply because of a number.
And our solution is to push girls to wait even longer? This is not a solution. This is an avoidance of the real conversation that needs to happen.
If we are serious about fixing the shidduch crisis, then the first step is changing the mindset of our young men. Rather than telling girls to wait, we should be telling boys to grow up. Rather than normalizing the expectation that a boy should only date significantly younger girls, we should be teaching them that a true ben Torah values middos, compatibility, and shared life goals over superficial criteria. And rather than reinforcing an unfair system that benefits one side while crushing the other, we should be working to create a reality where both boys and girls have a fair chance at building a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel.
Because the real solution isn’t in making girls wait. It’s in teaching boys to stop looking for the youngest possible match and start looking for a true partner in life.
Sincerely,
A Hopeful Jew
The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.
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30 Responses
Another day, another anonymous letter gives an option without any practical solution and without any initiative to change anything.
Pray tell, how do you suggest any change in a cultural mindset, and what are you or Mr. Anonymous going to do about it?
While we are at it, why don’t we all give suggestions as to what someone else should do to cure cancer and bring about world peace? In theory, of course…..
I’m not quite sure the point of the whole rant. Poster wants the girls to be “allowed” to date at 19, but the boys at 22,23 should be taught to only date girls their own age.
If boys were so educated and compliant, seems to me like the 19 year olds will be waiting anyway……since the 22 and 23 won’t be dating them.
What exactly is the point of this piece?
1. The reason a young girl is considered “better” isn’t because of agree, but because usually a young girl will be snapped up earlier.
2. The onus is not on the girls alone; boys are being encouraged to start younger as well.
1. The reason a young girl is considered “better” isn’t because of age, but because usually a young girl will be snapped up earlier.
2. The onus is not on the girls alone; boys are being encouraged to start younger as well.
Excellent point. I completely agree with you. I wish the community would stop encouraging boys to stop marrying younger girls.
How should we go about changing the community’s mindset?
What about all the girls who are already 24 and up? Will this proposal help them?
You’ve answered your question about 5 times in your article.
By asking the girls to wait a year, the bochurim won’t be able to choose any 18 year old girls. Min age of girls will be 19 so the problem has become smaller.
Don’t you get it?
Yes, the issue is people making decisions not based on what is good for them, but what everyone else is doing…
I don’t understand how they can suggest asking girls to wait. These are ranbanim, they’re well connected and probably financially well-off. their daughters will likely find shidduchim even if they wait an extra year. What about the simple people with no connections and simple finances? We should say no to a suggestion because our daughter hasn’t been out of seminary the requisite number of months?! Who knows when the next suggestion will come? It’s really a lot to ask.
I agree we shouldn’t be arguing with the gedolim are you sure there’s no other details other than girls waiting?
Also I’m not sure which rabbeim you are referring to but my Rebbi told me when I was dating age is not a factor , and if the shidduch makes sense there’s no reason not to date a girl older than me. He even told me the name of a gadol ( I’m forgetting who) whose wife was older than him. I don’t think that guys looking for younger girls is something encouraged my the gedolim
If graduates of a yeshiva all come out without having good middos, then let’s stop pretending that this yeshiva produces bnei Torah. Forcing them to do the right thing is b’dieved, send them to places where they will learn the right middos in the first place.
In the very early 2000s, I spoke to 50 shadchanim,
by telephone, and I asked all of them:
“What are the biggest problems that harm shidduchim?”
The top two answers were: “short boys” and “fat girls”.
Short men cannot become taller, so I will not discuss them.
But fat girls can become thinner,
so we must do something about that.
Fat girls remain a constant problem, that cannot
be solved by giving financial incentives to shadchanim,
nor can this problem be solved by changing
the ages at which singles start shidduchim.
Instead of spending 1 or 2 years in Seminary,
which is a huge waste of money and total waste of time,
single girls should spend 1 or 2 years in the gym,
or long-distance running, to become thinner.
The weight and size they lose will do more
to help them get married than ANY Seminary.
PS: Just last night, on 2025 March 4th, I saw a teenage
Chareidi girl who was 5 feet tall and 5 feet wide.
In a few years, she will be attempting shidduchim.
Why should any 15-year-old Frum girl be 5 feet tall and 5 feet wide?
Why? Why?? WHY???
Fat girls are one of the biggest problems in shidduchim,
(no pun intended).
The divorce rate is too high for young women.
Sending Girls to Seminaries and the Shidduch Crisis
By Rabbi Yitschak Rudomin
All actions have reactions and nothing happens in a vacuum.
When a girl and her parents in America make the choice for the girl to be sent overseas to Israel after she graduates high school to study at a seminary in Yerushalayim, it affects both the girl and her future shidduch options. It also impacts the yeshiva boys she may want to marry.
The accepted idea is that attending a good seminary will enhance her shidduch prospects. So from around the time the girl is in eleventh and twelfth grade in high school at a great Bais Yaakov, her head is already in the seminary subject that goes with dreams of travel, touring, having fun, inspired lectures about all sorts of subjects, etc. She spends a year and sometimes two years in this dizzying seminary environment, and when she gets back, it takes at least another year for her to re-land and readjust to life back to normal at home.
Question: How is all that a “preparation” for the hard job of marriage, running a household, often with a full time job to cope with, as well as motherhood and child-rearing?
This means that from about age 17 to age 20 or 21, many girls are thinking about seminaries in Israel and are not actively going out yet. Those non-dating years for those girls are the equivalent of being “in the freezer,” meaning they are out of circulation from active shidduch dating.
What are the consequences of this for the yeshiva boys?
It is assumed that “good learning boys” will also spend some of their post-high school years in a yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel. That usually happens after the boys spend at least two or three years in post-high school bais medrash in America, and then they go to Eretz Yisroel for a year or two or more. When they return, they start dating seriously. That means that from the ages of about 18 to 22 or 23, the boys are not dating and they’re in an extended “freezer.”
We also know that there is a so-called “shidduch crisis” for all age groups. So one may ask, is there any connection between the way girls and boys put off getting married in favor of going to seminaries and yeshivos in Eretz Yisroel and the resulting shidduch crisis, since all actions have reactions and nothing happens in a vacuum?
Recently, there were again full page ads in the major English language charedi papers calling on bochurim to marry at a younger age, meaning not waiting longer than about age 21.
I agree 100% with the call for boys to marry at a younger age, especially in our times, when by 21, a good full-time learning boy is already a strong lamdan, having received the finest chinuch in the world’s best yeshivos.
But I look at things like this as a big “sugya” [subject], and as with any regular sugya, we all have our own kushyos and tirutzim [questions and answers] – at least we think we do until we get shlogged up [refuted].
So this is my big kasha on this very big sugya, and I will be glad if I can get shlogged up: Who are the American boys supposed to marry at 21 if all the good American 18, 19, and 20-year-old girls are away in seminary in Israel? And how can the American boys get married if they are all in Israel at that age far away from home, since they will not marry frum Israeli girls either?
The above kasha is for the American English-speaking yeshiva olam, because the Chassidishe velt does not have this problem. No Chassidic groups anywhere send their daughters far away to any seminaries. They keep them close to home through high school, and by the end of high school, the 17- and 18-year-old girls become kallahs, because they go from graduating from their various high schools to the chupah with little real delay.
Likewise for the Chassidishe boys. They have little or no secular studies and they learn in yeshiva continuously until they get married, but they start with the parsha of shidduchim from the age of 18 or 19, and by 20 or 21 most are married. Their parents are actively guiding and helping them in all this, making shidduchim for their children from the get-go.
Same for all charedim in Eretz Yisroel, even among the Litvishe. They do not send their daughters overseas to seminaries, and the boys are all learning in Eretz Yisroel, so making shidduchim is not interrupted by delays due to travels to far-off yeshivos or seminaries, and they therefore can indeed get married between the ages of 18 to 21. After all, it does say in Pirkei Avos, “At 18 to the chupah.”
At one time, there were great social and political upheavals going on, so marriage was sometimes delayed, like during the years of the two World Wars in the 20th century. But in our own times, frum society has all the freedoms in America and Israel to function as dynamic fully operative Torah societies, with all the benefits of the modern world to help them.
Yet, the American yeshiva world does not do it that way. We have developed a counter-intuitive trend of sending boys and girls away from home at the most crucial time when the boys and girls are at the most desirable age for marriage.
You don’t have to be a great sociologist or chochom to know that a girl is most ideal for marriage at the ages of 17, 18 and 19. When a girl turns 20, she is already in a different category. This is not rocket science.
So why are we sending our daughters away and taking them off the shidduch market when they are most ideal? Would one delay picking a crop of the most wondrous foods for a year or two for such reasons? The crop will just grow old and “wither on the vine.”
Some people will say that a girl is not mature enough to marry at 18 or 19. So let me ask you: How does sending her away from home for a year or two to a strange country where you are not sure who is supervising her all the time, and letting her go on tours and have fun, fun, fun, and have a great one-year vacation etc, lead to her becoming mature? Mature from that?
Others may say she needs the extra chinuch. And my question to that is, what has she been doing the 12 years she was in Bais Yaakov and all those summers she went to the best day camps and sleep-away camps, and what about her home? Has that not all taught her more than enough to start her own family?
Anyhow, coming back to my kasha: Why are people calling on American bochurim to get married at a young age, which I agree is 100% correct, when those same bochurim do not really have anyone to marry because all the good American 18- and 19-year-old girls are away in seminaries in Israel?
And the follow-up to that: Why are people not calling on American girls not to go to seminaries if it takes the good girls out of circulation for shidduchim? At age 18 or 19, let them be ready to marry those 21-year-old good bochurim who would probably love to marry them but they are not around.
Okay, everyone will do what is best for their spouse.
It’s a scarier situation than you think, what exactly do you think happens to those rejected girls as they go into the higher twenties? They start to join other circles and mixed camping weekends and all sorts of immodest Purim parties…kumzitzes by non religious people with all sorts of lowlife men there. This is the danger waiting for your daughter if they keep rejecting her at 23. You don’t want to see what comes later
Rocky said it all. No practical solution given in this letter. I think the first takanah that needs to go in place regarding the “Shidduch Crisis” is no one may publish a letter about it unless it offers a practical solution.
We have Manhigei HaDor for a reason!!!!!!
We all know the classic teich of an Apikores. Well, the Gemera in Sanhedrin provides us with a second teich – people who are mivaze Talmidei Chochomim… HaShem Yiracheim!!!!!
What shnuk thinks they have the right to get involved with real world issues the Gedoli Torah are trying to solve? How do you have this level of chutzpa, gaiva , and ignorance
Why does this platform allow idiots like this, who’s behavior is activily delaying the geula and poisoning the minds of Achainu Bnei Yisrael who might stumble on this article?
YWN you let this guy post this – Did Lapid and his cronies take over this news site?
A sincerely helpful yid should should have sign his name at the bottom of the letter
Regarding Rabbi YR:
“So this is my big kasha on this very big sugya, and I will be glad if I can get shlogged up: Who are the American boys supposed to marry at 21 if all the good American 18, 19, and 20-year-old girls are away in seminary in Israel?”
For girls going to Seminary for only one year, that means that they return home when they are likely 19 and a few months, if that. So, yes, 21 year old boys can date 19-year old seminary graduates, if those girls have attended one year of seminary.
Please remove the horrible comment by SQUARE_ROOT.
It’s mean and not true.
Obesity is an epidemic and unfortunately women and men who suffer from it pay a high price in shidduchim.
Don’t make them suffer more.
To the writer of the article;
I don’t intend to upset you, however I find your first two paragraphs lacking respect to the leaders of the Jewish nation. Actually, my personal impression is that the first two paragraphs are one of chutzpa and arrogance. If you sincerely respected our current leaders, one would not have written this article in such a manner. Saying I respect the leaders, however I also respect the girls that are in pain. Implying that the leaders have no empathy for the girls, and are only interested in a solution for the boys. Challenging their solutions publicly instead of having a private conversation with them, is a lack of respect.
You could have avoided disagreeing publicly with the Rabbonim, and written a constructive article just by offering a suggestion to the crisis. Stating that your understanding of the crisis is due to the problem that there are certain boys that only want to marry girls that are much younger than them. As a possible solution, the boys should be taught that this attitude is wrong, until they absorb it and accept it. By approaching the article as a suggestion, one would have avoided the chutzpa, arrogance, and the challenging of the Rabbonim.
As a side point, I think there are many different causes that are related to the crisis, not only the age issue.
I would also like to ask the public, what is wrong for a girl to wait for a year after seminary? There are many girls that are not ready for marriage. Maybe they need the time to mature in order to get married and not have a marriage end in divorce. (The same for boys that get married too young.) Also, if a girl wants a boy that will continue to learn in Kollel, then it is practical that she should learn a profession that will be able to support the both of them. Many families are struggling; shouldn’t a girl also work and save money for the expenses of a wedding. Isn’t the advice of waiting a year, a constructive suggestion for both issues, maturity and money?
I personally don’t have the wisdom to suggest a solution to a crisis that has existed for many years. This crisis is a discussion that requires days not just a few paragraphs on a website. We can only pray to Hashem to save us and enlighten us in our time of need.
If the משנה says בן שמונה עשרה לחופה why are our boys waiting till 23-24? Isn’t that the Torah’s view? Must our boys chill until they take on the responsibility of life? Haven’t the elongated בין הזמניםs become absolutely ridiculous? From שבת מברכים אדר they’re chillin because they’re stressed out nebech from this all-too-long winter זמן while the girls they hope to date are at jobs, working so that they can have a few dollars!
Face it, we’ve been raising spoiled brats who feel all is coming to them.
Furthermore, these stange creatures are force-fed that the girl’s parents must support his every גשמיות dream. What a disgusting disgrace!
I am pleased to tell you; my son-in-law married an older girl, so did my nephew. A neighbour married a girl 7-8 years older, the list goes on.
If the girl has the right middos and hashkofos and is otherwise a suitable match, ignore the age.
An older girl, is likely to be more mature, possibly more willing to roll up her sleeves to earn money and live a modest lifestyle so her husband can continue to learn.
Replying to Square Root, with the idea, sarc, there is a solution there is limb lengthening surgery for all the short men out there. So lets have a go fund me campaign to make Single men tall again.
As a parent of girls that are not overweight, I must tell you that the daily agmas nefesh of watching your daughters grow older without getting married is unbearable and a huge stain on our community. Something needs to be done!
A common refrain for why a community gets married young is because when people are young, they have no life experience and they will grow together. IMO this is why 23-24 year-olds boys are dating 18–19 year olds girls. They are a lot closer in maturity to 18-19 year old than 23-24 year girls.
A 23 year old girl likely graduated from college, is working and/or pursuing a graduate degree. Even if she didn’t go to college she’s already been working for 4-5 years.
School and jobs force people to develop a certain level of responsibility and maturity that learning in Yeshiva simply doesn’t. This is in no way meant to knock or diminish learning, but the reality is a 23 year old in Yeshiva (typically) has no bills, he’s provided with 3 hot meals a day, has no deadlines, responsibilities or even a boss who’s expecting tangible results.
23 year old boys and girls are at different stages of life and simply just can’t relate to each other.
Pray tell hopeful Jew we would never ask your name but state what you represent so we can put your anonymous rant in context. Are you a parent who is frustrated with the system or do you have a special agenda? State that agenda please. If you are a parent I empathize with your concerns but this problem is not linear. There’s no rules here. You speak to 10 people who have kids in shidduchim you will probably find 50 issues. If you look at 10 married couples each have their own story. We should try to solve issues but even Laban said מה׳ יצא הדבר. Hashem makes shidduchim and they happen when he decides not us and I would say that by the age of 25 a vast majority of girls that want to get married do get married. I think one of the big issues in our community is that people can easily exploit peoples emotions with imagined numbers and stats that may not be true. I think it’s time for people of means to step up and identify real numbers so we all know what’s really going on. When we see or have older girls and boys we think it’s multitudes. True each girl or boy wanting to marry is one girl or boy too much but I think the best healthy approach to this is to help that boy or girl get to the finish line. Communities should be providing resources to help them understand individually what’s blocking that particular girl or boy. Sometimes having a coach for the girl or boy or may I say parents, to understand what’s blocking their children from getting married helps. I know from myself that for a parent the hardest part of shidduchim is it tests our essence of who we believe we are and you constantly second guess yourself and you almost become someone you really aren’t. You think there’s something wrong with you. For that an outside source can help lead you back to normality and allow you to make a level headed decision.
With all due respect, this letter is bizarre, you can change systems but you cannot change personal choices that people make.
Additionally, on average the current age gap is 2 years (as per numerous surveys and studies done), and the goal is to push it to 1 year, so the facts in this letter are off.
I’m repeating a comment I wrote on a previous letter to the editor on this topic.
I’m not copying and pasting it because I have no idea how to find my original post.
Hashem still runs the world.
If you or your children are having difficulty finding a shidduch, the word for that in Judaism is yissurim.
If a person has yissurim, they are supposed to examine their actions.
Not the actions of the seminary owners
Not the actions of the Roshei Yeshiva
Not the actions of your daughters classmates
Food for thought:
Perhaps there have been singles at all of your simchas, and you have never suggested a shidduch for any of them
Perhaps you in your wisdom have decided that the person who gives you blessings at your Shabbos table, is unable to get married
Perhaps you are unaware that your thoughts are known to your father in heaven.
Teshuva Tefila u’Tzedaka ma’avirim es roa
Hagezeira.
How are you supposed to know on what you should do teshuva?
Asei Lecha Rav.
Who knew?
Everything l need to know l learned on Shabbos in B’nos groups!
Have a wonderful Adar everyone
Logically speaking, isn’t it Daas Torah that has perpetuated this problem?
No one is making the girls do anything.
If the girls think that they are facing a shidduch crisis then this is how to fix it
And if they say they won’t cooperate then lay off the boys as well.