Much of the conversation about the shidduch crisis has centered around the age gap—a real and pressing issue. But there’s another factor at play, one that quietly distorts the dating landscape: the way financial support is distributed in our system.
In the current model, boys—especially those from less affluent backgrounds—are not expected to provide financial support when they marry. Instead, they often find themselves benefiting from “marrying up”, securing matches with wealthier families who offer generous financial backing. This may seem like an advantage, but in reality, it creates a deeply unfair dynamic.
By allowing boys from simpler backgrounds to pursue wealthier families, we are unintentionally shrinking the dating pool for girls from similar economic circumstances. Instead of being able to build a home with a boy from their own world, these girls find themselves left behind as the boys they would normally be compatible with are drawn toward financially advantageous matches.
At the same time, boys are given an overwhelming number of options, further skewing the balance in their favor. This effect is compounded by the age gap, which allows them to continually “trade down” in age while still prioritizing families that can offer financial support.
Some may argue that a boy deeply devoted to learning should be given the opportunity to receive financial backing, ensuring he can stay in kollel without financial stress. But what about the girls from simpler backgrounds—the ones who are willing to live modestly and support their husbands’ learning through their own hard work? These girls are just as committed to a Torah lifestyle, yet they are being systematically overlooked because they don’t come with a sizable financial package.
It doesn’t have to be this way. A solution already exists within the heimishe community, where both families contribute to financial support. This model ensures that matches are based on compatibility, values, and shared goals, rather than who can offer the biggest check.
And there’s an added benefit: A more balanced financial arrangement is healthier for the long-term stability of a marriage. When both sides contribute, there is less pressure on one family, reducing resentment and fostering a greater sense of partnership.
The shidduch crisis is not just about numbers—it’s about the unspoken rules that shape the process. If we want to create a fairer and more sustainable system, we need to take a hard look at how financial expectations influence the way matches are made.
Because in the end, marriage should be about building a life together—not about who can buy their way in.
Sincerely,
Name Withheld
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10 Responses
You can’t BAN supporting Our kids in their endeavours
How long are the parents expected to support their children? There are families with 8 kids, 2 are married so that’s another $4000 a month for rent and food? How are the parents suppose to handle this? The next daughter is in Seminary which is $30.000. This is not the way.
Wow
it is admirable that you wrote this respectful letter and that Yeshiva World published this letter
such an important issue that has hardly been talked about or dealt with in the community
and as you said the conversations are centered around the age gap …
Bezras Hashem you will eventually bring up some other issues one by one so that each can be dealt with in addition to age gap
Meanwhile let this sit in and people can respectfully come up with some solutions regarding the financial support
loads of hatzlacha and all should find their right shidduch soon
Where in the Torah does it mention that any side has to take the financial burden to support their married children. The Torah states” Bezyes Apechu Toychal lechem” it doesn’t say Bezyes your PARENTS.!!!!! The Gemara states many Tanuim and Amoruim worked to support them self and their families. Why does parents who mother and father work 9-5 jobs and barely can afford their daily needs , and struggled to put support their children with expensive tuition, clothing and house hold expenses now they have to worry for them when they reach the age of marriage?
I understand the Chasidishe world when both parents struggle to help the young couple with the first 12 months rent and add a little to their financial bills and then you are your own.. Satmere Rebbe shita was for a Yingerman to get up 5-6 AM go to the Mikveh havea shier for ONE hour daven and go to work 9-5 bring home Parnussah and then go back in the evening for anothe hour and learn Torah.
Why do parents who reach retirement age and live off their Social security check and some savings have to give it all away to the children who choose to learn Torah all day? i worked all my life and now that i reached retirement i want to learn couple of hours a day. As long this philosophy of kids want their parents to support them the Shidich crisis will only get worse as the community is growing beli eyen hora in the thousands every year. Thousands not Hundreds of girls over 22 are waiting for their basherte shiddich but there isnt enough millionaires around to support so many boys.
The above writer (in the OP) is, essentially, suggesting the Litvish adopt the Chasidish system, in this regard (finances).
The main problem with the suggestion is that there’s no way to implement it. The not-wealthy boys are not going to limit themselves to not consider wealthy girls. There’s no real way to force that.
I have a very novel approach.
How about if there is no expectation that children will be supported? If the children are mature enough to get married then they should figure out for themselves how to support themselves. If they need to go on Gov’t programs, so be it…let the children do it!
There would probably be less divorce cases as well if that was the arrangement form the Beginning!
So the problem is that boys are incentivized to marry girls from families of means, so that they can afford to live [very comfortably] while the boy learns. I don’t disagree. (Now if only there was a way to earn money somehow without getting it from the in-laws…I feel like there used to be but I can’t remember…oh well.)
But I don’t think that’s the only incentive dynamic. It’s also the parents, who are motivated to seek out shidduchim from families of means – just to boost or uphold their own image.
I’m telling you if we could just let boys and girls of marriageable age meet each other in an appropriate environment, without parents and shadchanim deciding on “compatability” factors that are too often self-serving – we would see that alot of successful matches would be made that would otherwise never have a chance.
Exactly my feelings except I would take it further.
While I believe it is admirable that men should pursue their Torah learning as much as possible, the current framework is dysfunctional. No longer is it that those who wish to live simply and figure out how to survive and learn for as long as possible… now it became the accepted standard, all on the parents dime
Every single person I spoke to in this regard (mainly regarding their daughters) all agreed they do not WANT to support their children.
They feel obligated to, by a system that will punish their daughters if they don’t. Any parent of a frum who says,” I cannot support” will soon find crickets when they call for shidduchim.
So they say they will, even if they can’t.
Boys it seems, can have their pick of any rich girl they want .
No longer are boys choosing girls for their middot.
Why is it a mitzvah to learn Torah full time if the burden is on someone else? Who likely feels they have no choice?
Parents need to also pay their bills.
Marry off all their kids. And hopefully put away money for retirement
Most of my peers don’t even own their own homes!! They certainly don’t have money to spare to support
A simple solution to the shidduch crisis:
Every single girl over 22 can approach any rosh yesiv of her choice to demand that he find her an appropriate shiduch among his talmidim. Once the rosh yeshiva is approached, he cannot rest until he comes up with at least one suggestion.
Within a brief time, the shidduch crisis will disappear.
Why don’t we chasidim have a shiduch crisis? Because we do it the Jewish way!