Let’s all give ourselves a big round of applause. Really, take a moment—because we did it. We’ve successfully created a chinuch system that preaches the importance of Torah values, while simultaneously fostering a culture where a child’s self-worth is measured by their ability to board a plane for midwinter break.
Every year, we talk about it. Every year, parents like me—who actually live within our means—grit our teeth as we have to explain to our children why they’ll be the “nebachs” of their class for not jet-setting to Miami, Cancun, or Dubai. And every year, nothing changes.
I pinch my pennies, I work hard, and my husband and I bring home a decent income. And yet, I am somehow failing as a parent because I don’t have an extra $15,000 to blow on a four-day vacation so my child doesn’t have to be the “loser” in the class. It’s not enough to pay tuition, keep a roof over their heads, and put food on the table. Nope—if you aren’t handing your kids a boarding pass over midwinter, you may as well be neglecting them.
Am I jealous? Maybe just a bit. But only of the truly wealthy—the ones who can afford it without a second thought. The ones I really feel for? The parents who are maxing out their credit cards, going into debt, just so their kids don’t feel the sting of social rejection. I see them. I hear them. And the worst part is, they know as well as I do that this insanity should have been stopped years ago.
Let’s talk about my daughter’s friend, who flew to a city across the country this midwinter. Was it for a luxurious getaway? Nope. It was a medical trip—one of her cousins needed a specialist. No amusement parks. No fancy hotels. But she still went. Why? So that when she gets back to school, she can look her classmates in the eye and say she “went away” for midwinter. That is the level of absurdity we’ve reached.
And where are our esteemed mechanchim in all of this? The rabbeim, menahelim, and principals who are supposed to be guiding our children toward values that aren’t rooted in materialism? Silent. Complicit. More concerned with keeping parents happy (read: not rocking the boat) than actually instilling Torah-based values in their students. If all schools had the backbone to put its foot down and declare that this madness must stop, perhaps we’d see a change. But no one is willing to be the first.
So congratulations to us. We’ve created a generation of children who can quote Chumash, who know half of Tanach with Rashi, who can break down a Tosafos—but who have no grasp of the basic principles of Yiddishkeit. A generation that has been taught, explicitly or implicitly, that your worth is tied to your luxury vacations, your designer shoes, and the social capital you gain from a glamorous trip over midwinter.
But hey—Torah, Torah, Torah, right? As long as they’re getting top marks in class, who cares if they grow up with a warped sense of values, crushing financial stress, and a total disconnect from the fundamental philosophy of Yiddishkeit? What does it matter if they believe that a midwinter getaway is more important than achrayus, discipline, and financial responsibility?
So go ahead. Pat yourselves on the back. Because we failed. And if nothing changes, we’ll be having this exact same conversation next year—while even more parents go broke trying to keep up with the madness.
Sincerely,
A Fed-Up Parent
The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.
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40 Responses
VERY IMPORTANT TO LISTEN TO THIS
https://torahanytime.com/lectures/345790
https://torahanytime.com/lectures/295106
https://torahanytime.com/lectures/304912
Huh?!?!? The mechanichim ( at least here in lakewood ) have beeen railling against this for years but no one listens!!
Well said- enough already!!
Oh calm down dude.
I read the title and hoped to finally find an article by someone with the guts to call out the elitist system we’ve created that has murdered countless neshamos because they don’t “fit in.”
THIS is what’s destroying chinuch, my friend.
I feel for the writer, but the headline is disgustingly out of context.
This has nothing to do with “our chinuch system”, and it is not “destroyed” because of this issue.
Yes, the vacations have gotten overly extravagant, but this is the child’s parents’ decision and not the school’s.
I, as my kids’ father, take all the responsibility together with my wife, in the chinuch and values and we’ll-being of each of our children. I have a choice; I can either shirk my achrayos and throw it all onto the mechanchim’s shoulders, and play into victim mode and kvetch how my kids ‘suffer’ and are ‘depraved’, or I can man up and do what I need to do as a PARENT within my means and show my kids love, value and happiness in life MYSELF. You choose.
By the way, a little secret- the happiest and healthiest kids are the kids who don’t have to be told how much their parents love them because they experience their love every day. Not through trips, or luxurious vacations,
but spending time with them and giving them attention, love and respect.
The teachers also go…
Why does a vacation cost $15,000?! You can go away for 4 days with a family of 7 for under $2,000 and if you use credit card points like many people you can be under a $1,000
Maybe as a parent you should teach your kids not to care what other people have. Just saying.
No it’s not the fault of the chinuch system. The main person who can change it is YOU and ME. And it’s already happening. But you have to do it with your head held high. You tell your children with pride that just because others fall into this silliness doesn’t mean that we do. It’s the same case when your kid says that everyone else on the block goes to sleep at 11:30 so why can’t I? Because I care about you and I will not make my judgements based on the block. If you have good relationship wiith your kids they will not turn on you for this. Yes it may take them time to swallow but eventually they will realize you were right and you will have taught them the best. Instead of viewing this with fear of their reaction, view it as an opportunity. There is also good news. There is a trend moving the other way. People have more awareness today about our collective extravagance and I think there’s less judgement and more understanding if you don’t give in to every silly temptation. So relax and hold strong.
The system is to blame only because they did not give out a notice that such vacations are not allowed for the students if their yeshiva. The peer pressure amongst the kids has a lot to do with it. And many times the parents are lied to by the kids – that so ‘n’so is going.. blablabla.. if the parents would discuss this with each other, much could be avoided.. It should be school policy from day one, much like cellphones.. NOT ALLOWED.. even if they can afford it. But at least they are still learning Torah!!
You ask “And where are our esteemed mechanchim in all of this? The rabbeim, menahelim, and principals who are supposed to be guiding our children toward values that aren’t rooted in materialism? ”
Guess what – many of them are right there in Orlando V’chooloo (of course most are )
Correction – (of course most are NOT)
Dear Fed-Up Parent,
Thank you for shedding light on the pressures and contradictions within our community. Your letter highlights a fundamental issue: the disparity between those who can afford lavish midwinter vacations and those who cannot. At some point in life, someone has misled you into thinking that all are equal. This is a classic case of the “haves” and the “have-nots.”
It’s essential for families to live within their means and, more importantly, to teach their children that true happiness comes from healthy, meaningful places. The pressure you’re feeling is part of a larger misunderstanding of values and happiness. Whether it’s a bar mitzvah with Lipa or a simple family gathering, the key is to raise our kids to be content and grateful for what they have.
This issue is not a failure of the chinuch system, but rather a challenge for parents. It is the parents’ responsibility to instill these values in their children and to lead by example. We must teach our children that their worth is not determined by luxury vacations or material possessions, but by their character and commitment to true Torah values.
Signed “Not going away”
What happened to class trips during these breaks, to Washington DC (WH, Capital, Supreme Court, Monuments, etc.), Albany, Philadelphia, and some fun spots along the way? Visits to the major Yeshivot (Lakewood, Chaim Berlin, Torah v’Da’as, Staten Island, etc.) and the Grand Rabbi’s (Bobov, Satmar, Klausenberg, Viznitz, New Square, etc.)? The famous publishers, (Artscroll, Feldheim, etc.). Let the whole class or school vacation together, and enlist parents as chaperones, organizers, etc.
Simple answer, you live in the wrong city, I teach in Passaic and out of a class of about 20 boys, 4 went away for midwinter break and every one else is happy and smiling away when we discuss what they did over midwinter.
Happily and calmly explain to your children exactly the values that you feel. Why is that so difficult? Why can’t you simply (in a pleasant way) explain to your family that we have Torah values, and included in that is not spending above your means on a ridiculous midwinter vacation? Who cares what everyone else is doing? Be proud of your own correct values and give that over to your children. This is an excellent chinuch opportunity!
Dear ” A fed up parent”,
I would like to respond to your article that you posted here,
I am not just a special educator rebbe and a middle school teacher, but also a parent of 2 children whom I love them very much. I am not sure about you, but for me, it is very important that there is a midwinter vacation for every school for rebbeim, teachers and children alike, so everyone can just take a breather for a week and relax from the hardship and hard work everyone puts in on a daily basis.
There is no need for you to “keep up with the Jones” and go on extravagant vacations. And the truth is, every what a parent does with their children in terms of vacation is really no one’s business and its NOT a schools decision, but more a parents decision. Every parent can feel free to choose where they want to go for vacation and spend time AS A FAMILY which is key for family life.
What I do feel bad is for yehsivas who decide not to give any midwinter vacation and instead keep school going with grounds of having children going towards getting “burn out” as the year progresses. Is that what you want from your children? I don’t think so. Even those who say that “let them just have an R and R day” is not enough honestly.
Let’s talk about the rebbeim and teachers. Why do they get more of a chance to take a break for a day and the school hires a substitute rebbe for what? To keep control and just keep the kids busy? That’s a terrible injustice for anyone and not worth it.
And what’s better? For parents who feel their children should be taken out of school for a few days to spend time with their sisters who are getting off from school while the boys do not have off from school? Or should every yeshiva give a week off from school so everyone can feel recharged and relaxed to come back to school after a small vacation? I would want the latter.
I am not saying that every school should give a 10 day vacation like some do, and in all honesty, it’s way too long. What I am saying is that if I ran a school, I would start midwinter vacation on a Wednesday 12pm dismissal and we come back the following Wednesday, and every parent should sign a contract that they would not take their children out of school before the break starts, or there is some sort of penalty for it. Like this we create fairness for all.
@baalhabooze you said it well. Good job making that point that it’s a parents decision.
I wish you lots of hatzlacha. Anyone who would like to respond to this comment can feel free to do so. Kol Tuv.
Yehudah Schwartz
Reading this and shaking my head…
Signed
A mechanech
(Bh not your child’s)
BaalHabooze, not sure what you’ve been drinking, but it’s certainly not kool-aid. You’re right on target, I agree with you 1,000%.
Whoa. Whoa. Talk about tunnel vision negativity. There are a myriad of challenges every generation. Money struggles of people feeling a pinch is a struggle but isn’t what you’ll look back on and regret. It’s how you treat your wife. Your children. The struggling teen next to you in shul. Not being jealous. Studying the Torah so you can keep every word and love God. This issue of who went to Florida and daily struggles to make ends meet, which is the fate of all man, won’t be what you’ll regret. Take it easy, see the big picture, and stop being Mr Judgy Judge.
Mis-winter vacation! Ah-ha! How many hours per day do you spend with your children? Maybe an hour in the morning? Squeezed between shachris and the bus pick up, while eating breakfast and packing school bags? And maybe an hour after school? After deducting homework time, play time, serving and eating supper, clean up, maariv, sleep prep? And your kids are growing fast. Th years fly by. And you hardly spend two hours with them a day, And NOT quality time. And then there is Yeshiva Week. A week to connect with your kids. Have fun. Create memories. GO to special, even exotic, places. It’s FAMILY TIME. Your kids need it. You need it. Your family needs it. And you, OP ED can’t stand it and want it stopped. Time to recalibrate YOUR values.
Thats interesting. I haven’t come across that problem in Eretz Yisroel. – which is, by the way also mentioned in Torah. Maybe we need a wider-ranging revamp of Torah Chinuch which would include the Mitzva of Yishuv EY and then you won’t have to deal with mid – winter extravaganzas.
@YWN why are you publishing this screed? If you would like a discussion on extravagant vacations, Why not ask a Rov or a well respected Mechanech to pen an article discussing the issue, perhaps accompanied by a mature, thoughtful contribution from a regular parent’s perspective. I understand that it will generate fewer clicks, but this angry, sarcastic, cynical rant, really has no place in a Frum publication read by thousands.
Which bnei torah yira shamayim schools have this winter break? It sounds like you send your kids to a modern Orthodox School. It’s their invention and the ultra orthodox are not pro 10 days off in January when Passover is less than 3 months away where they do the same thing again. You have to ask yourself if you’re sending to the right schools that match your hashkafa
These YWN op-eds are getting dumber and dumber
Once a very prominent yeshiva was taken kids on vacation to see Israel, one of those vacations was to a pool, remember seeing this pool packed with people everybody standing in a pool and laughing, I for one was never planning on going in to that pool you could not swim a foot, but they was on a vacation, a Jewish person knows that if he is going on vacation he takes God with him, many times on a vacation just one look at something even by mistake, he is taken a vacation from God instead, sometimes also you see these pools packed with people and they can’t move an inch, but they went on a vacation, so can agree there is a problem with the chinuch. If you have a good wife, you can fancy your kitchen a little and it’s also a vacation, most of the vacations are not good for kids if there is some lake or fresh air there is much bad death traps
Lots of good advice here how to deal with vacations. But this doesn’t resolve the underlying issue of the anti-Torah culture. Maybe we need to revive novohrudok style yeshivos where students were kept in modest conditions – if we can find enough students, and teachers.
It’s ridiculous to think that just because some kids go to Florida or similar destinations that I have to spend money I don’t have to copy them. I have never taken my kids to Florida for winter break, except you’re in COVID when the tickets were $25 a piece.
Here however is the key point. Make sure to spend yeshiva week giving your kids an amazing time. Prepare good trips, maybe even an overnight somewhere and they will remember it. If you sit and complain that we can’t afford this and we can’t afford that, the kids will resent you.
Maybe you can get off cheap and get your kid a moose knuckle coat instead.
Stop exaggerating. Nobody cares where you vacation. Be among the heimishe minority: Make life about learning and doing Mitzvos. Make life revolve around the shul and bes medrash. Children learn fast, and you will instill wholesome old-time Jewish values into them. The Yomim Tovim are home holidays, so make them at home. Don’t waste your hard-earned money on expensive cars, hotels, and the latest fashion. If you do this, you and your children will be much happier and much more well-adjusted than your neighbors who have allowed their Yiddishikeit to become vulgarized in this vulgar society of ours.
Teaching children wholesome family entertainment is priceless. Not to mention per Dr David Pelcovitz is integral to prevention of mental health/suicide. Kids who learn wholesome outdoor activities (skiing, horseback riding, boating etc) are less likely to seek out high’s from drugs. Yes spend money u don’t have to save ur child’s life.
Some people complain about the amount of money spent on kosher liquors.
Rabbi Avigdor Miller said this in June 1986 CE:
Here is a man who is financially
on the verge of bankruptcy,
but he has to marry off a child.
It costs him $50,000 dollars.
He cannot help himself.
His wife is pressing him. [She says:]
“How can we have less?
We will be ashamed to face our friends.”
So he goes even more deeply into debt.
He borrows to make an expensive wedding.
What a shoteh [fool or idiot] that is!
Who cares what the relatives will say!
You can make a wedding even without the smorgasbord.
SOURCE: Toras Avigdor for Parshat Shemot, 2024 CE
HOW DARE YOU?!?!
Blame our beautiful chinch system?
Our amazing rabanim and mechanchim?
HAVE A BACK BONE!!!!!
I am home.
My children are happy.
We live within our means.
Not everyone who.goes away is better for it.
Mind your own buissnes and teach your children to be happy with what they have.
You have a serious case of negative jewitice.
Good news is you can get rid of it.
Out way of life is AMAZING!
I am so happy for everyone who has food and shelter and medical.
And I’m thrilled that some have extra to go on vacation.
We don’t need vacation to be happy.
We spend time with the cousins.
We watch something.
We have meals together.
We are jewish and so proud of every part of it.
BATUCH HASHEM!!!
@Square root
What do these words “what a shoite, who cares whar relatives will say” mean ????
It’s highly embarrasing to publicy announce that he can’t effored making a wedding on the level of other relatives or even making only an ordinary wedding at the time when other relatives can affored it.
It’s very sensible to borrow money to avoid being publicy offended.
People should continue borrowing for this sake which can also avoid it effecting one’s mental condition.
unless they come out with amssive ammendments and Takones people will contiune marrying off with borrowing money.
I was recently by a wedding and the father of the choson told me in middle the wedding ; Everybody here is happy besides me and the michuten becuase we have our concenrs from where will will pay back our debts. It was a simple wedding.
Mazel Tov!
This is the same system where bochurim need to have a custom suit, and a hat that costs about half a thousand dollars.
Here is a man who is financially
on the verge of bankruptcy,
but to shul on shabbos and Yom tov
he has to wear a nice streimel, bekeshe and dress his kids in finery.
It costs him $30 – 50,000 dollars.
He cannot help himself.
His wife is pressing him. [She says:]
“How can we wear shmatas to shul?
We will be ashamed to face our friends.”
So he goes even more deeply into debt.
He borrows to dress himself and family in style.
What a shoteh [fool or idiot] that is!
Who cares what the relatives will say!
You can daven in shul even without the
shtrimel, bekeshe, and yom tov attire.
SOURCE: Toras Rebbitzen for YWN Bo, 2025 CE
Yeshivos
You can stop the Florida trips easily. Split vacation into 2 parts one in middle of december and one in beginning of february February each for 2 full days and the oilam won’t be able to go to Florida
The cost of weddings are in line with the costs of shabbos/Yom tov finery.
Shteimel – $4000 – $6000
Sheitel – $6000 – $8500
Bekishe, dresses, suits, shirts, shoes etc for family of 8 – $7,500
Coats, jackets, sweaters, accessories – $3,000
Jewelry (imitation): bracelets, earrings, necklaces, pins etc – $2,000
Kibudim in shul (aliyos, kiddush etc) – $1,500
And then there is the food, because you can’t serve the family and guests “plain food” – $1,000 per shabbos, $1,500 per Yom tov day (3 meals).
A wedding is not that much more!