I was recently trying to set up a guy in his upper 20s. He was what many would call the whole package: successful, tall, very good-looking, from a great family. On paper, he had it all. But every time I suggested a girl, he turned her down. Each rejection came with a new reason or excuse. After a while, I found myself wondering: “Does he really want to get married?”

It was a passing thought—one I didn’t dare voice aloud. Because as much as it seemed that this young man was just spinning his wheels, I knew better than to ask the dreaded question.

I learned that lesson the hard way.

A few months ago, I was at a wedding when a mother approached me. She’d heard I was a shadchan and wanted to speak to me about her daughter.

Her daughter was in her upper 30s. She was very successful—in her career, with her friendships, and in life—except for one area: finding her bashert.

And then, for reasons I can’t fully explain, I asked the question I never should have asked: “Does she really want to get married, or is she just going through the motions because society expects her to?”

I will never forget the look in that mother’s eyes. Her face went pale, her lips trembled, and her voice cracked with raw emotion as she looked at me and said: “How dare you ask a mother such a question? Would I stand here begging for my daughter’s happiness if she didn’t want this more than anything? Do you think she would endure years of dating, rejection, and heartbreak—again and again—if she didn’t care? Would she still be here, at her age, with hope in her heart, if she didn’t want this with every fiber of her being?”

Her words hit me like a wave, and my heart broke in that moment. Her emotional response made me start to cry right there in the middle of the wedding hall. I cried for this mother, for her daughter, and for all those who have to deal with insensitive and hurtful remarks such as mine. I apologized from deep in my soul, and I carry this lesson with me every single day.

For so many singles, that question – ‘Do you really want to get married?’ is one of the most hurtful things they can be asked. It’s a question that makes assumptions. It questions their motivations, their sincerity, and sometimes even their self-worth. And for someone who’s been in the dating world for years, it’s a question that stings—because they’ve already asked it of themselves a thousand times.

The truth is that singles reject shidduch suggestions for countless reasons. Some are practical, others are harder to articulate. Sometimes it’s a gut feeling. Sometimes it’s fear. Sometimes it’s unrealistic expectations or a past hurt that hasn’t fully healed. Sometimes they don’t even understand their own hesitation.

And while it may frustrate those of us on the outside looking in, we have to remember this: Whatever their reason, it comes from somewhere. And wherever it comes from, they are likely hurting.

We may not always understand why someone says no. Why they walk away from a relationship that seems perfect. Why they keep rejecting people who look so good “on paper.”

But our role—as friends, as family, as shadchanim—is not to judge. It’s not to criticize. It’s certainly not to gossip.

Our role is to treat singles with the respect, care, and love they deserve.

Because behind every rejection is a person with a story. A person who might be struggling with fear, self-doubt, or heartbreak. A person who may feel misunderstood and alone.

And the last thing they need is for us to add to their pain.

To the singles who are still on their journey: I see you. I hear you. I don’t know the full story behind every decision you make—but I don’t need to know it to believe in you. Your struggles are real, and so is your resilience.

To everyone else: Let’s be the people who build up, not tear down. Who support, not judge. Who listen, not criticize.

Because when it comes to the path to the chuppah, every step—every yes and every no—is filled with complexities that we may never fully understand. And that’s okay. It’s not our job to understand.

It’s our job to care.

Sincerely,

Miriam Zeitlin

Brooklyn

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