The “Shidduch Crisis” has become a painful reality for so many in our community, and I am no exception. Finding a life partner—a goal that should be filled with excitement and hope—has turned into a drawn-out, demoralizing ordeal. This isn’t just a crisis of numbers or compatibility; the entire process is fundamentally flawed. I’ve seen it firsthand, and it’s exhausting.
Let’s start with the process itself. You’d think that in a world of modern communication, setting up a date would be straightforward. But no, the delays start the moment a suggestion is made. First, the boy looks into the girl’s resume. This “research” phase can take days, as if dissecting someone’s life on paper could somehow reveal their true essence. When he finally gives the go-ahead, the resume then goes to the girl’s side, where the whole painstaking process repeats itself.
By the time both parties agree to meet, a week has already gone by—and that’s assuming everything moves smoothly. Fridays, Shabbos and Yom Tovim are out of the question for scheduling, adding even more restrictions. Then, the first date happens, but let’s be real: you can’t judge someone in one evening. A second date is almost always necessary, and chas v’shalom you schedule it the next day! Oh no, we need at least one gap day, sometimes even a week.
If things end after the second date (which happens more often than not), you’re back at square one. You wait for the next suggestion, start reviewing resumes again, and dive back into this maddening cycle. Weeks turn into months, and before you know it, you’re averaging one date every couple of months—if you’re lucky.
But what really drives me crazy is the sheer lack of consideration when it comes to communication. Some girls take a week—yes, a full week—to give a simple yes or no to a suggestion. Worse, there are those who don’t respond at all, leaving the shadchan (and the boy) in a frustrating limbo.
And after the first date? It’s like pulling teeth to get an answer on whether they’re interested in a second date. A response that should take a few hours somehow drags on for days. These delays are inexcusable and only make an already difficult process even harder. It’s no wonder so many boys find themselves going out with only one or two girls every few months.
Before anyone accuses me of blaming only the girls, let’s talk about the boys. Trust me, they have their own set of infuriating flaws. I’ve heard stories that make me cringe—boys chewing with their mouths wide open, eating with their hands (and no, I don’t mean finger food), or asking wildly inappropriate questions like, “How much do you make?”
Then there’s the reckless driving. Are they trying to show off? Or are they just that careless? Either way, it’s embarrassing. But the ultimate horror story? A boy who thought it was acceptable to relieve himself in a public park during a date. I mean, what can you even say to that? These kinds of behaviors don’t just ruin a single date—they undermine the entire process.
Here’s the bottom line: the inefficiencies, the delays, the lack of respect—it all adds up to a system that feels utterly broken. The frustration isn’t just about how long it takes to find the right person. It’s about how much time is wasted, how much emotional energy is drained, and how little respect is given to everyone’s efforts.
As a big fan of YWN, I read an article recently about the OU doing research on the Shidduch Crisis that can be found here Ashreichem, OU!, and while I respect their initiative, I don’t need surveys or statistics to tell me what’s wrong. I’m living it. And let me tell you, it’s beyond frustrating.
We need to fix this. Start by cutting out the unnecessary delays. Respond to suggestions promptly. If you’re not interested, say so—it’s not that hard. Set realistic timelines for feedback after a date, and for goodness’ sake, treat people with basic respect and decency.
And to the boys: stop embarrassing yourselves. Learn some manners. Drive responsibly. Show respect. You’re not just representing yourself—you’re representing your family, your values, and your community.
This isn’t just a crisis of finding the right match. It’s a crisis of time, respect, and dignity. We deserve better than this mess. Let’s stop making it harder than it has to be.
Sincerely,
Anonymous (I need to stay anonymous because I’m still looking for a shidduch 😉 )
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10 Responses
Taking a few days or a week to check out the resume of a stranger whom your daughter or son may go out with, and even spend the rest of their lives with, is a waste of time?!
The whole concept of FBI investigations before people meeting is already counterproductive and exceedingly time wasting. The whole purpose of the first date is to get all these answers and have conversation material. The only thing that should really matter is mutual attraction and similar hashkafos with their goals. You’re not getting a clear picture from all those papers
Written by Square Root?
Unfortunately plenty of women eat with their mouths WIDE open and make a ton of noise chewing. I’ve seen them pick their teeth with their fingers. I feel as if most people these days have absolutely no common sense at all when it comes to eating . Boys also eat with theirs heads in the plate. They only come up to breathe. Parents aren’t parenting anymore. It sad. People really have no Derech Eretz. Also people will say when could they teach them. Ahem…. Since they were a child. Raise children correctly .
I’m not sure how it works now but back when I was going out shadchanim would call with about ten names a week for me and probably the same amount for my brother- it wasn’t just looking into one name at a time and giving a “yes” or “no”. (My Mom was polite and pretended to be interested- lots of time was saved when my father answered the phone…) Doing research takes time and finding time to contact the references when they have 15-20 minutes available can at time take a few days.
I personally liked to take a day or two to think about the date and not rush into a quick decision on such an important part of my life. If the date wasn’t from in-town it usually meant that there would be a week between dates- I never asked someone to travel to go out with me but if they felt that a week was too long they could’ve offered to come in.
If you feel that they’re taking too long to get back to you it’s in your right to give them a deadline before you move on.
I’m not sure why you’re complaining about the way people behave on dates- for me it was a relief to see the real them as early as possible. Seriously- do you think it would’ve been better if the guy behaved on a date and then relieved himself at tashlich?
Keep in mind that most guys have their names added on Shadchanims lists without their permission and shadchanim will not remove the names no matter how much the guys beg them to and they’ll keep giving out their names despite being told that they have no permission to. These guys just want to be themselves and if any girl doesn’t like it they’re welcome to not go out with them. It’s just not right to publicly complain about them- if their behavior bothers you just move on.
(I’ve told many shadchanim to get me off their lists and never call back and definitely don’t ever, ever, ever give my name out but they always told me that that’s not how it works. One shadchan even complained that when I act like that on a date not only does it look bad for me and my family but it makes her look bad as well!)
Anyway- finding your lifelong partner is a huge decision and shouldn’t be rushed into. Take your time- it’ll be worth it in the long run.
Wishing you all the best of luck and may Hashem protect you all from the evil shadchanim out there.
I like the story of the boy relieving himself in a public park during the date, I think I’ll do that on my next one.
I created an account just so I could respond to your post. I can imagine your feelings are echoed by many in shidduchim. As a mother who has a child dating, I cry all the time at not only the disaster the system is, but with the hurtful things people in our community say. And I have a boy!
There are ways to fix the system, but like many things in our community, it’s hard to change things that have been a certain way for many years. I will just mention one thing- a big reason it takes so long to make calls is because of the insane questions people ask. Instead of just letting couples go out to see if they like each other and are attracted to each other- the parents (and the boy/girl) first need to check off all their ridiculous boxes. I can tell you that when I got married over 25 years ago, I didn’t know how tall my husband was. I actually only found out once my son started Shidduchim and I realised I didn’t know my husband’s height! Hatzlaha and I hope you find the right person soon and can put all this behind you.
Most first dates are one and done.
What is the point in making so many reference calls? Why not try a first date at a coffee shop (just drink water) without any reference calls?
Stop complaining & kvetching. Do the shidduch system the chasidishe way. It has been working for generations!
Mazel Tov!
Yes. All the checking is a waste of time. Most suggestions end after the 1st date. You need to be able to meet people quickly. Stop wasting time checking references. They won’t tell you anything important or consequential. If it looks like it may be going somewhere then maybe inquire about the person from people who are not on the reference list even though it is unlikely that you will glean anything important. Ask your date about the things that matter and pay careful attention. Parents, get out of the way and let your children date whoever is suggested unless it’s waaay off. Give it a chance. If your child is old enough to get married then they should be wise enough to decide who they are willing to date as well.