The “Shidduch Crisis” has become a painful reality for so many in our community, and I am no exception. Finding a life partner—a goal that should be filled with excitement and hope—has turned into a drawn-out, demoralizing ordeal. This isn’t just a crisis of numbers or compatibility; the entire process is fundamentally flawed. I’ve seen it firsthand, and it’s exhausting.
Let’s start with the process itself. You’d think that in a world of modern communication, setting up a date would be straightforward. But no, the delays start the moment a suggestion is made. First, the boy looks into the girl’s resume. This “research” phase can take days, as if dissecting someone’s life on paper could somehow reveal their true essence. When he finally gives the go-ahead, the resume then goes to the girl’s side, where the whole painstaking process repeats itself.
By the time both parties agree to meet, a week has already gone by—and that’s assuming everything moves smoothly. Fridays, Shabbos and Yom Tovim are out of the question for scheduling, adding even more restrictions. Then, the first date happens, but let’s be real: you can’t judge someone in one evening. A second date is almost always necessary, and chas v’shalom you schedule it the next day! Oh no, we need at least one gap day, sometimes even a week.
If things end after the second date (which happens more often than not), you’re back at square one. You wait for the next suggestion, start reviewing resumes again, and dive back into this maddening cycle. Weeks turn into months, and before you know it, you’re averaging one date every couple of months—if you’re lucky.
But what really drives me crazy is the sheer lack of consideration when it comes to communication. Some girls take a week—yes, a full week—to give a simple yes or no to a suggestion. Worse, there are those who don’t respond at all, leaving the shadchan (and the boy) in a frustrating limbo.
And after the first date? It’s like pulling teeth to get an answer on whether they’re interested in a second date. A response that should take a few hours somehow drags on for days. These delays are inexcusable and only make an already difficult process even harder. It’s no wonder so many boys find themselves going out with only one or two girls every few months.
Before anyone accuses me of blaming only the girls, let’s talk about the boys. Trust me, they have their own set of infuriating flaws. I’ve heard stories that make me cringe—boys chewing with their mouths wide open, eating with their hands (and no, I don’t mean finger food), or asking wildly inappropriate questions like, “How much do you make?”
Then there’s the reckless driving. Are they trying to show off? Or are they just that careless? Either way, it’s embarrassing. But the ultimate horror story? A boy who thought it was acceptable to relieve himself in a public park during a date. I mean, what can you even say to that? These kinds of behaviors don’t just ruin a single date—they undermine the entire process.
Here’s the bottom line: the inefficiencies, the delays, the lack of respect—it all adds up to a system that feels utterly broken. The frustration isn’t just about how long it takes to find the right person. It’s about how much time is wasted, how much emotional energy is drained, and how little respect is given to everyone’s efforts.
As a big fan of YWN, I read an article recently about the OU doing research on the Shidduch Crisis that can be found here Ashreichem, OU!, and while I respect their initiative, I don’t need surveys or statistics to tell me what’s wrong. I’m living it. And let me tell you, it’s beyond frustrating.
We need to fix this. Start by cutting out the unnecessary delays. Respond to suggestions promptly. If you’re not interested, say so—it’s not that hard. Set realistic timelines for feedback after a date, and for goodness’ sake, treat people with basic respect and decency.
And to the boys: stop embarrassing yourselves. Learn some manners. Drive responsibly. Show respect. You’re not just representing yourself—you’re representing your family, your values, and your community.
This isn’t just a crisis of finding the right match. It’s a crisis of time, respect, and dignity. We deserve better than this mess. Let’s stop making it harder than it has to be.
Sincerely,
Anonymous (I need to stay anonymous because I’m still looking for a shidduch 😉 )
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27 Responses
Taking a few days or a week to check out the resume of a stranger whom your daughter or son may go out with, and even spend the rest of their lives with, is a waste of time?!
The whole concept of FBI investigations before people meeting is already counterproductive and exceedingly time wasting. The whole purpose of the first date is to get all these answers and have conversation material. The only thing that should really matter is mutual attraction and similar hashkafos with their goals. You’re not getting a clear picture from all those papers
Written by Square Root?
Unfortunately plenty of women eat with their mouths WIDE open and make a ton of noise chewing. I’ve seen them pick their teeth with their fingers. I feel as if most people these days have absolutely no common sense at all when it comes to eating . Boys also eat with theirs heads in the plate. They only come up to breathe. Parents aren’t parenting anymore. It sad. People really have no Derech Eretz. Also people will say when could they teach them. Ahem…. Since they were a child. Raise children correctly .
I’m not sure how it works now but back when I was going out shadchanim would call with about ten names a week for me and probably the same amount for my brother- it wasn’t just looking into one name at a time and giving a “yes” or “no”. (My Mom was polite and pretended to be interested- lots of time was saved when my father answered the phone…) Doing research takes time and finding time to contact the references when they have 15-20 minutes available can at time take a few days.
I personally liked to take a day or two to think about the date and not rush into a quick decision on such an important part of my life. If the date wasn’t from in-town it usually meant that there would be a week between dates- I never asked someone to travel to go out with me but if they felt that a week was too long they could’ve offered to come in.
If you feel that they’re taking too long to get back to you it’s in your right to give them a deadline before you move on.
I’m not sure why you’re complaining about the way people behave on dates- for me it was a relief to see the real them as early as possible. Seriously- do you think it would’ve been better if the guy behaved on a date and then relieved himself at tashlich?
Keep in mind that most guys have their names added on Shadchanims lists without their permission and shadchanim will not remove the names no matter how much the guys beg them to and they’ll keep giving out their names despite being told that they have no permission to. These guys just want to be themselves and if any girl doesn’t like it they’re welcome to not go out with them. It’s just not right to publicly complain about them- if their behavior bothers you just move on.
(I’ve told many shadchanim to get me off their lists and never call back and definitely don’t ever, ever, ever give my name out but they always told me that that’s not how it works. One shadchan even complained that when I act like that on a date not only does it look bad for me and my family but it makes her look bad as well!)
Anyway- finding your lifelong partner is a huge decision and shouldn’t be rushed into. Take your time- it’ll be worth it in the long run.
Wishing you all the best of luck and may Hashem protect you all from the evil shadchanim out there.
I like the story of the boy relieving himself in a public park during the date, I think I’ll do that on my next one.
I created an account just so I could respond to your post. I can imagine your feelings are echoed by many in shidduchim. As a mother who has a child dating, I cry all the time at not only the disaster the system is, but with the hurtful things people in our community say. And I have a boy!
There are ways to fix the system, but like many things in our community, it’s hard to change things that have been a certain way for many years. I will just mention one thing- a big reason it takes so long to make calls is because of the insane questions people ask. Instead of just letting couples go out to see if they like each other and are attracted to each other- the parents (and the boy/girl) first need to check off all their ridiculous boxes. I can tell you that when I got married over 25 years ago, I didn’t know how tall my husband was. I actually only found out once my son started Shidduchim and I realised I didn’t know my husband’s height! Hatzlaha and I hope you find the right person soon and can put all this behind you.
Most first dates are one and done.
What is the point in making so many reference calls? Why not try a first date at a coffee shop (just drink water) without any reference calls?
Stop complaining & kvetching. Do the shidduch system the chasidishe way. It has been working for generations!
Mazel Tov!
Yes. All the checking is a waste of time. Most suggestions end after the 1st date. You need to be able to meet people quickly. Stop wasting time checking references. They won’t tell you anything important or consequential. If it looks like it may be going somewhere then maybe inquire about the person from people who are not on the reference list even though it is unlikely that you will glean anything important. Ask your date about the things that matter and pay careful attention. Parents, get out of the way and let your children date whoever is suggested unless it’s waaay off. Give it a chance. If your child is old enough to get married then they should be wise enough to decide who they are willing to date as well.
Just addressing the manners.
I was so impressed to see a school that when the boys are going to start “Bar Mitzvah Season” puts on a “Dress Rehearsal Bar Mitzvah”.
Place cards, how to eat properly, how to sit during speeches, the Rebbeim teach the boys how to dance, etc.
Besides being a nice thing to do a Talmud is a reflection of their Yeshiva. The Yeshiva makes the effort so people unfamiliar with this school are impressed with how proper & well behaved the boys are.
Maybe this concept should be taught to both men & women before they start dating.
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While I am sensitive to your pain, that’s why I spend dozens of hours a week trying to make shiduchim, and counseling singles (for free)
I disagree that there’s an issue with taking a few days to check people out. A week is a lot and should only be in exceptional circumstances. A few days is generally ok because rabbonim and references are hard to reach. But the reference calling should be an absolute priority.
I am not of the school of thought, let them just go out once…if they have attraction/ chemistry they may overlook certain things that may come up in the research process. All to their own.
If possible, try to see this as a necessary journey and not let it get you down. Like the Journeys song says…the shadchan says…this one will be different…it will happen
P.s. if girl’s reference checking is taking more than 3 days, she should explain to the shadchan why.
Waterdoc
On the mark! Of course a few basic checks are important to make sure you are not falling in with some way off, but after that first see if it’s nogea.
bpmomy
There are thousands of chasidish girls looking for shidduchim because they do not have the right last name, and the same for hundreds (at least) for chasidish boys. There are also unfortunately thousands of devorced chasidish boys and girls and a very big Rabbi who has hundreds of followers once told me that many many married couples that he knows do not have shalom bayis.
This letter is ridiculous. The shidduch crisis is real and quite obviously has nothing to do with anything in this letter. Really?! It was necessary to mention the ONE story of a boy who allegedly relieved himself in a park? You know that is unrelated and, if even true, is a freak occurrence. You obviously were trying to be sensationalist with that. And every single one of the issues you mention would just result in NO ONE getting married not in girls getting left behind. So you clearly had no intention of talking about the real shidduch crisis rather venting about your own personal frustration and exploiting the term “shidduch crisis”. Although your frustration may be real it is not very nice to girls sitting at home not going on any dates seeing your personal shidduch crisis about how you don’t like the way dates are ran. These girls would pay anything to go on a date with a guy even if *gasp* he drives 7 miles over the speed limit or even if they have to wait three days for date number 2
@Waterdoc
If both parties are on the same page, then I agree with you but that’s not always the case.
Before I went out, I did extensive research on a prospective date (especially one that I had to travel for as it normally cost me around $150 and took up 36 hours of my time). Let’s just say that there was lots of resentment and hard feelings when I got back only to hear that the girl doesn’t want to go ahead with a second date because she’s looking for a long-time learner.
I only found out later on that the wicked shadchanim threatened them beforehand that if they didn’t go out with me, they would remove them from their lists and never suggest another person to them again. (How I wish they would have made the same offer to me.) I still had some resentment towards the girls (albeit a little less) as I didn’t think they should have given in to terrorism at the expense of someone else.
@LAmother
Did you lower your prices since March? Back then you mentioned that you earn under a quarter an hour.
Are you not tired writing and having others read this shidduch crisis nonsense? Roshei yeshivas and rabbonim give only lip service on this topic and that is why tens of thousands of frum girls worldwide sit alone at home.
Lol Dr Pepper I’m so honored ur stalking me (kidding)
I lowered my prices. Its been about 10 cents an hour lately
Been a while since I hit jackpot .
The dating scene is frustrating and can be very difficult. I sympathize with some of
what you’re saying. Derech eretz and consideration is beneficial all around. I want to
add a particular point which I learned from marrying off our children.
People have to drop ideas that are imaginary, such as, “I need a boy who
is 6 ft tall or a girl who has a certain look or not.” Each of us has NO idea the
exact combination of qualities that Hashem will send you. A bashert is a real person who will have a few important qualities you love and a few you may not, but it’s foolish to say no to a shidduch because a minor trait is not on your “list.” It’s like going to a doctor and saying I want my heart to function like this, my eye to do this, and my kidneys to do that. Not your area of expertise and neither is designing your bashert. Your job is to be open to recognize the goodness of your bashert and try to present your goodness to him/her. Shidduchim have to be good for both parties.
Parents and singles need to avoid committing to overly specific mental lists because excellent suggestions are turned down for very trivial reasons. For example, and I speak from dealing with my own children, how many people would redt a couple where the boy is one inch taller than the girl? You might think it’s not typical, but the couple should have the chance to see how THEY think about it. It’s a very trivial point and ultimately does not affect your day to day life compared to midos like chesed, reliability, honesty, compassion, etc. There are so many situations where a date is nixed for silly reasons. Of course if the couple is not OK with it then at least they had a chance to consider it, but please stay flexible with nonessential points.
Parents should be helpful and then clear out of the way. If your child is old enough to
get married, it’s his or her life and he/she has to live with the spouse, not you. You
need basic menschlikeit and you don’t have to be best friends with your mechutanim or the same exact type, either, just friendly and try to cooperate, which will be very helpful to your children’s shalom bayis. May we be zocheh to share in each other’s simchos.
plenty of people get married, the Lakewood halls are booked 3 months in advance and there are over a dozen halls and EVERY night is a wedding. Last night I went to a chasuna of a choshuva rosh yeshiva family from lakewood and an askans family from Brooklyn and it was beautiful. We cannot allow the outside world to influence us, we have our way and lehavdil akum have theirs.
I’m not really getting involved, just let me try to mediate between the two sides here. Side 1 thinks all the research is a waste of time; Side 2 thinks it’s very important.
So here’s my grand compromise that will solve the secondary shiduch crisis:
Schedule a speed date-a-thon, let’s say give a month’s time or so. Have about 100 boys and 100 girls. [To solve both crisis, let’s say they have to be the same age—wow I am so smart! I have this all worked out]
Then give each of the 100 boys all 100 girls’ resumes, and vice versa. Erev the athon, each boy and girl say whom they’re willing to speed date. After they did enough research to ensure they’re not dating a non-learner or whatever. Or someone too short or too smart or with a long last name.
Then they date everyone on their list for 5 or 10 minutes.
And take it from there.
And this isn’t even my side job, guys.
Sorry if I sounded insensitive to the crisis in my above comment.
I didn’t mean any shidduch crisis denial or apathy.
I just had to comment on this argument here.
Nothing in this articles has anything to do with the Shidduch crisis which is a simple numbers game advanced by uneven populations in terms of their ages dating which leads to the unevenness in terms of the supply and demand. This articles is completely irrelevant to the issue at hand and frankly if the real issue is addressed no other factors will matter as both sides would need to compromise on the issues. They would have to fairly address the issues with no side getting an unfair advantage which leads to all sorts of other issue including but certainly not limited to stretching financially beyond people’s means and severe sholom bayis issues caused by boys marrying way out of their leagues.
As a boy who was in shidduchim for over 5 years I do have a lot to say about the flawed system that exists.
I will just say one over here that I believe most people don’t quite realize.
So many times it happens that after going out, people do not give a person the ability think it through like an adult and make a decision based on his experience. I can’t tell you how many times people told me “speak to this one speak to this one”. “People seem to get clarity from speaking to so and so”.
People do not give a person the ability to experience and use their brain to decide whether they like or enjoy being with a person.
No one has to tell me whether I enjoy hanging out with a specific friend or neighbor or roomate. I know myself.
This is not to say that a person shouldn’t speak to someone to get clarity on an area that they need clarity. But to say that I have to speak to someone to know if I like that person I’m meeting???
Then what happens is it creeps into our brains that we actually do not have the ability to experience and know ourselves whether we like the girl/boy.
Then we are sent on a massive guilt trip by our own brain that has been twisted to think that maybe I’m saying no to my bashert. I must meet her 9 times to know if I like her even to the slightest.
Then everyone wonders why I can’t just give this girl a shot and this girls a shot “just a coffee date”….
You know why? Because the system has twisted my brain and it takes so much emotional energy out of me to decide to say no with all the guilt…. So no. I need to stay sane. I can’t afford to just give things a shot.
Just some thoughts.
lakewoodbt – “plenty of people get married* ??? What’s your point? are you insensitive to the hundreds of girls that sit by the phone waiting to just get a yes for a date?
In the early 2000s I asked 50 shadchanim:
What are the biggest problems that prevent shidduchim?
They gave me two answers more often than all others:
short boys and overweight girls.
Short boys cannot increase their height,
but overweight girls should be able to lose weight.
If we want to help girls get married,
then we must do something about overweight girls.