By Rabbi Yair Hoffman

Sometimes, we need a 2.0 version of how we approach things –  a veritable reboot, so to speak. The holy mitzvah of honoring parents resonates deeply within the very fabric of our neshamos, touching not just our actions but the essence of who we are as human beings. Everyone knows about this mitzvah – it is one of the Aseres HaDibros. Indeed, according to the Gemorah in Kiddushin (31a), it is also one of the natural laws that the entire world is well aware of.

Understanding Different Types of Honor

The Distinction Between Kavod and Moreh

In terms of technical halacha, the first thing we must do is differentiate between obligations that stem from “Kavod – honor” and obligations whose source is “Moreh” or showing awe. For example, the obligation to serve one’s father or mother comes from the obligation of “honor.” On the other hand, the fact that we don’t sit in his or her seat comes from Moreh. Most of the obligations that apply to “other relatives” come from “Kavod.”

Step-Parents and Biblical Obligations

The Gemorah in Kesuvos (103a) teaches that the word “Es” in “Kabaid es avicha” comes to include the step-mother, as codified in Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 240:21). A fascinating debate exists among the Rishonim regarding whether this obligation is biblical. The Rambam (Hilchos Mamrin 6:15) maintains it is biblical, while the Meiri (Kesuvos 103a) contends it is only Rabbinic. The accepted halacha follows the Rambam’s view that it is Biblical, though the obligation stems from Kavod rather than Moreh (See Betzail HaChochma 3:95).

Forms of Address and Respect

The prohibition against calling parents by their first names stems from Moreh. While technically permissible for step-parents, the established Minhag in Klal Yisroel is to refrain from doing so. Rav Chaim Kanievsky zt”l (I forgot where he said it and the only reference I have is Letter #9) cautions about using terms like “Dad” or “Mom” in front of one’s biological parents unless certain of their comfort with this practice.

Duration and Extent of Obligations

After Passing Away – Obligations

The Chayei Odom (67:22) states that after a parent’s passing, the obligation becomes Rabbinic in nature. However, the Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 240:21) characterizes it as a “Davar Hagun” – a proper ethical imperative rather than a full halachic obligation, representing a subtle but significant distinction in approaches.

Siblings and Extended Family

The Gemorah in Kesuvos (103a) derives from the extra Vov in “v’es imecha” an obligation to honor older siblings. The Ramban (Hasagos LeSefer haMitzvos, Shoresh 2) explains this stems from the potential disrespect to parents if their descendants are treated improperly. While the Minchas Chinuch (#33) considers this Biblical, the Aruch haShulchan (Yoreh Deah 240:43) views it as Rabbinic.

In-Laws and Grandparents

The Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 240:24) mandates honoring in-laws, though debates exist regarding its Biblical or Rabbinic status. Regarding grandparents, the Ramah (Responsa #118) requires their honor, contrary to the Maharik (Shoresh 30). The Minchas Elazar (3:33) even prioritizes grandparental honor above that of in-laws.

Practical Implementation: Insights from Chayeinu Magazine

The Foundation of Attitude

There is an absolutely remarkable magazine that is called “Chayeinu” that is published in Lakewood, New Jersey ([email protected]). It brings us back to our true Torah values of yester-year.  A recent article by Mrs. Miriam Lapides (and a Mrs. E.S. Trocki) emphasizes a reboot beginning with a fundamental shift in our perspective. This involves developing an ayin tovah (favorable judgment) and recognizing the divine providence in our parent-child relationships. The magazine suggests maintaining a gratitude journal specifically dedicated to recording daily appreciation for parents’ contributions, wisdom, and sacrifices.  It recommends other changes as well.

Communication and Connection

Regular communication forms the cornerstone of honoring parents. This includes:

Daily Updates and Sharing

The magazine emphasizes establishing a routine of sharing daily experiences, such as children’s achievements, work developments, and personal growth moments. This should be done with intention and regularity, treating it as a sacred obligation rather than a casual check-in.

Seeking Guidance

Following the example of Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach’s family, where children and grandchildren would consult their grandmother about Pesach preparations, we should actively seek our parents’ counsel. This applies not only to major life decisions but also to matters where their experience and wisdom can provide valuable insight.

Blessing Requests

The practice of requesting parental blessings (brachos) should be integrated into life’s significant moments, including new endeavors, celebrations, and challenges. The magazine specifically mentions following up afterward to share outcomes, creating an ongoing dialogue of spiritual connection.

Practical Expressions of Honor

Technology and Connection

Modern technology offers numerous opportunities for honoring parents through various means of communication. When parents call, children should make every effort to answer the phone immediately. If answering immediately is not possible, one should ensure to return the call as soon as possible, ideally within the same day. Families who live at a distance should establish regular video call schedules, perhaps weekly or bi-weekly, to maintain strong visual connections. Children should make it a regular practice to share photos and videos of grandchildren’s activities, such as school events, performances, or everyday moments. Creating and sharing digital albums of family moments allows parents to feel connected to their children’s and grandchildren’s lives even when physically separated.

Physical Presence and Hospitality

When hosting parents, one should create an environment that demonstrates supreme honor through several important practices. Taking time to prepare parents’ favorite meals shows thoughtfulness and consideration, while ensuring their accommodations are comfortable and well-prepared demonstrates respect. Special attention should be given to seating arrangements, ensuring parents have comfortable and appropriate places to sit in each room. The home should be maintained in an exceptionally clean and organized state before and during their visit. Children should anticipate their parents’ needs before they arise, such as having preferred beverages available or ensuring reading materials are within easy reach.

Meaningful Gift-Giving

The art of giving should reflect deep thoughtfulness and understanding through various approaches. Children should select practical items that will enhance their parents’ daily lives, such as helpful kitchen gadgets or comfort-improving items. Gifts should be personalized to show attention to parents’ specific interests, such as books by favorite authors or items related to their hobbies. Grandchildren should be encouraged to create handmade items that carry special meaning and emotional value. When selecting gifts, children should choose items that demonstrate careful remembrance of their parents’ preferences, showing that their likes and dislikes are valued and remembered.

Building Lasting Relationships

Conflict Resolution

The magazine provides guidance for handling challenging situations with wisdom and sensitivity. When disagreements arise, they should be approached with respect and understanding, maintaining dignified communication even in difficult moments. In situations where additional support is needed, families should not hesitate to seek professional guidance while maintaining appropriate boundaries. Even during periods of difficulty, children must maintain honor and respect for their parents. Families should develop specific strategies for showing respect within appropriate boundaries when challenging situations arise.

Creating Family Traditions

Establishing regular practices that honor parents should become a cornerstone of family life. Families should institute weekly or monthly gatherings that bring everyone together in meaningful ways. Parents should be given honored roles in family celebrations that highlight their importance in the family structure. Families should actively document family history and stories through recordings, written accounts, or digital archives. Regular opportunities should be created for grandparents and grandchildren to form strong bonds through shared activities and experiences.

Legacy Building

Teaching the next generation about honoring parents requires conscious effort and planning. Parents should consistently model proper behavior toward grandparents, showing their children through direct example how to demonstrate respect and honor. Families should regularly share stories of family heritage, helping younger generations understand their roots and family values. Creating opportunities for multi-generational activities helps strengthen bonds across all age groups. Families should actively document their traditions and values through various means, ensuring these important practices continue through future generations.

Conclusion

The comprehensive obligation to honor parents and family members extends far beyond basic respect, encompassing a complete framework for building and maintaining meaningful family relationships.  Let’s not forget – this is our Mesorah.  Through careful attention to both halachic requirements and practical implementation, we create a legacy of honor that enriches our families and fulfills this fundamental mitzvah with depth and meaning. As we integrate these practices into our daily lives, we not only fulfill our obligations but also create a foundation for generations of family connection and respect.

The author can be reached at [email protected]