The backlash about the frum Jewish magazine’s publishing of an article discussing Botox is understandable. The person who wrote into YWN on Monday labeled the topic as unbecoming of a Torah-true publication, arguing that it promoted superficiality and vanity. I get it. But as someone who teaches a class of Bais Yaakov-type girls, I feel compelled to address this reaction and offer a different perspective.
The article wasn’t a frivolous endorsement of cosmetic procedures—it was a reflection of the pressures and realities faced by our daughters today, particularly in the shidduch world.
For many young women in the shidduch system, their future feels like a high-stakes competition. They know the numbers: in a typical class of 30, perhaps 10 girls will remain single well into their adulthood. That statistic alone is enough to cause sleepless nights for girls and their parents alike. While we would like to believe that shidduchim are determined solely by middos tovos, Torah values, and shared goals, the truth is that appearances matter. A lot.
In this context, it’s no surprise that girls feel immense pressure to enhance their physical presentation. This isn’t about vanity—it’s about survival in a system that places such weight on first impressions. Whether it’s Ozempic to maintain a slender figure, top-of-the-line designer clothing, professional hair styling, or even cosmetic procedures like Botox, these efforts are often driven by a genuine desire to improve their chances of finding a suitable match. For these young women, it’s all l’sheim shamayim, done for the sake of building a Torah home – and avoiding being another forgotten “older girl.”
Jewish magazines don’t create these pressures; they reflect them. The presence of Botox ads or articles in these publications isn’t an endorsement of superficiality—it’s an acknowledgment of what is already happening in our community. By addressing topics like Botox, magazines provide a space to discuss them openly and thoughtfully, within the framework of Torah values. Pretending these realities don’t exist does a disservice to the very girls and families navigating these challenges.
It’s worth noting that the same magazines that feature Botox ads also emphasize the importance of middos, Torah learning, and yiras shamayim in shidduchim. But they recognize that these ideals exist alongside a world where physical appearance plays a major role. Addressing these issues head-on allows us to confront them in a healthy, grounded way, rather than relegating them to whispered conversations or unregulated decisions.
As a community, we must find a balance between spiritual ideals and practical realities. We should absolutely continue to emphasize that true beauty lies in one’s middos and connection to Hashem. At the same time, we must acknowledge the reality that physical appearance is a factor in shidduchim and give our daughters the tools to navigate this reality responsibly and with dignity.
Critics of the article may feel that discussing Botox diminishes the sanctity of a Torah-true publication. But I would argue the opposite: ignoring these realities does far more harm. By addressing these issues openly, we can guide our daughters to make thoughtful, informed decisions that align with their values. And perhaps, through these discussions, we can also work toward creating a shidduch culture that places greater emphasis on the things that truly matter—character, values, and compatibility—while still respecting the pressures that exist today.
At its core, the shidduch process is about building a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael, a home founded on Torah and mitzvos. For many girls, the steps they take to enhance their appearance are motivated by a sincere desire to reach this goal. Rather than dismissing these efforts as superficial, we should recognize them for what they are: a reflection of the intense dedication and commitment our young women have to the sacred task of building a Jewish home.
So yes, an article about Botox may feel jarring in a frum magazine. But perhaps it’s time we stop viewing these topics as “unbecoming” and start seeing them as an opportunity to address the real challenge our community faces: a crushing shidduch crisis.
Don’t like the Botox article and rabbanim not saying anything? Fine. But to fix it, the rabbanim should focus on the disease, not the symptom. And the disease is a shidduch crisis that our leaders refuse to address in a serious way.
Sincerely,
A.G.
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21 Responses
All the parents and teachers should ask their singles to come up with a timeline before they become older singles.
If I reach age of X I will settle for Y and so on. This can be private but must be written so the dater can be honest with themselves and not forget the plan.
In other words what 2qwerty is saying is girls need to be more flexible
I want to add, according to the letter writer if someone wanted to “upgrade their system” with plastic surgery that would be acceptable because women need to look their best?
Correct me if I’m wrong, girls in shidduchim don’t do Botox. Unless they are much older. This whole letter is not relevant to the Botox discussion.
The shidduch crisis is also a symptom.
2qwerty, your comment reflects and underscores the mentality that is fueling the crisis. That each single has a certain “market value” and as their market value “declines” they must be prepared to accept (or to use your word, “settle for) a spouse with a similar low market value. This is what passes for a Torah mentality these days? People are not livestock being auctioned!
Your method sounds like a recipe for singles to be so terrified of ending up older singles that they marry people unsuitable for them and end up c”v adding to the growing divorce rate in our communities.
It says in Aishes Chayil, Botox Buh Lev Baaluh.
This letter addressed only one issue but missed all the others. These Publications feature writers that are often not aligned with Torah values at all, the advertisements throughout the whole magazine is for luxury apartments in Israel that nobody normal could afford, luxury trips and hotels that nobody normal could afford, and non-stop ads for exquisite exorbitant eating. So if the entire paper is not in the spirit of the Torah, the botox articles are not exactly what’s giving it the negative flavor. If someone wants to say I’m fanatic that’s your right, but flip through the pages and you don’t get the illusion about anything that they’re here to sell is related to anything spiritual. Some worse than others but you get the idea
The main nekuda is that the owners of the publications aka editors have a responsibility from the fact that so much of the tzibbur goes there for their product to do things that are in the best interests of the tzibbur and in turn they are misusing thid trust and their position and are being poretz gender and it is a serious matter and this includes ywn
User176 is correct
I don’t know any girls in shidduchim who are doing botox, but I do know a lot of 40plus year old ladies
“the author of this letter wrote that the issue causing this is the shidduch crisis”
Hashems message directly to his loving children klal yisroel regarding the shidduch crisis that everyone is going crazy over.
THERE IS NO SHIDDUCH CRISES
Hashem already setup your sons and everyone else’s son/daughter zivug 40 days before they were even born. Forget about the fact that now they are holding at around 20 or so years later since they were born. Hashem has their zivug waiting for them and can send it to your son/daughter immediately but is just waiting for each person involved in shidduchim to do their RUCHNIUS hishtadlus of Bitachon and Emunah(faith and trust in Hashem) together with Tefillos/Prayers.
Mrs. Seminary girl,/Mr. Learning/working boy Are YOU doing your RUCHNIUS hishtadlus? Not just your gashmius hishtadlus of dating and speaking to shadchanim etc….?
Start turning directly to Hashem for help in all your needs, especially shidduchim that they say is a bigger miracle than the splitting of the Yam suf.
Why are we not putting our faith and trust directly in our loving father, king of kings, ruler of the world Hashem? Especially when we all know the truth that Hashem has everything down to every person’s breath and penny of income already decreed since Rosh Hashanah for the entire upcoming year? Of course we need to do our Hishtadlus but the ultimate secret for success in our needs is to turn Directly to the source Hashem for help in anything. as we say in bentching from Tehillim “ודורשי ה לא יחסרו כל טוב” i.e. for one who seeks out Hashem directly lacks nothing that is good.
Every tragedy and situation has a wake up call message directly from Hashem that you’re not going to find in any sefer in the world or read in any newspaper from a Gadol Hador or speaker saying about the tragedy, and neither is the message from me a modern Internet businessman writer but it’s actually DIRECTLY FROM HASHEM.
Saying that Rabbanim refuse to address the Shidduch crisis in a meaningful way isn’t fair or accurate.
It assumes that
1. There are solutions.
2. That “the Rabbanim” know about those solutions
3. That “the Rabbanim” are capable of implementing those solutions, if only they wanted to.
Blaming Rabbanim is easy to do. It absolves the individual from any wrongdoing or responsibility of action, and it creates a scapegoat.
Congratulations for jumping on the bandwagon of recent letters that blame Rabbanim’s inaction for every problem facing the Tzibbur. You’ve helped undermine their extremely limited ability to make positive change. And for a Rav like me, you’ve also helped encourage a attitude of disrespect and negativity that makes it harder to muster up to Koach to stick my neck out there to even TRY to make changes, knowing that there will probably be an article by people like who will blast and disparage anything very to do, without and respect or genuine consideration for my impossible job.
ust another symptom of course of the totally man made Shidduch crisis. Because the boys parents and yeshivas refuse to adjust the system to have them legit marrying younger and thereby equalizing the amount of boys and girls in the process , it has resulted in numerous stressors .
Here is a partial list of those issues so far.
Parents of girls taking on significant financial responsibilities beyond their means including Israel seminaries and large promises of support. Boys marrying girls way out of their leagues which can cause sholom bayis issues because they can. Girls settling on boys that they otherwise wouldn’t because they can’t. And now extreme lengths to beautify themselves. Of course if you only fix the cause of all these issues was adjusted we wouldn’t have to discuss the many symptoms.
E120, I didn’t say to do it at 20. Have any preference you want till 25. In the end it’s your choice either be stubborn or be married.
It’s insanity to keep doing the same thing over and expect different results. -Einstein.
rebEmes is absolutely correct. The Botox is merely the tip of the iceberg. These magazines are treif through-and-through. They promote secular, goyish, perverted values throughout their entire issues. Mostly subtly but often enough outright kefira and worse.
Coldfish you read it wrong it says in eishes chayil batach bah lev baalah
They use Botox because “ruchoik m’peninim michrah”. They are far from penimius.
Seriously speaking, if one substitutes for “botox” the word “make-up”, the whole issue goes away. Throughout history, for example, the girls would get dressed up on Tu B’Av to attract shidduchim!
Let’s be real.
Coming from an ‘Out-Of-Town’ perspective, who’s community is more reserved and modest than, say, the wealthy baalibatish tri-state area/Lakewood mindset (and it’s really zero’ing in on a certain sector, not all), these magazines are really really unrealistic and unrelatable to MOST of klal Yisroel world-wide. My wife and I (and everyone else in my community) laugh and balk at these outrageous ads each week. We ridicule them. They are SO not for us, it’s almost comical. I think it really targets a very VERY small percentage of yidden. maybe 1-3%
I also fully agree with @maskildoresh and his comment! That last chutzpadike sentence in this letter really churned my stomach inside out!
R’ maskildoresh, thank you for pointing out the blatant nonsense of the letter’s closing remarks, attacking rabbanim at whim. I was appalled at the chutzpah. “Rabbanim should…” do this and this, “Rabbanim refuse…” to do this and this, Where’s our basic respect for rabbaninm?? Where is our hakaras hatov for rabbanim who spend day and night in helping the klal?
Besides, It’s easy to sit in an armchair and pin blame when we have no clue as to the extent of the efforts already in place to try to assist in this matter, some of which are partially already well known.
I’ll repeat what I probably said elsewhere. This dor is intolerant of tochacha, rabbanim are treated worse than dirt, and if what they say didn’t align with personal beliefs of different people then right away they run to throw them out by calling them senile or out of touch, or too old to know what’s going on. As if the people criticizing even learned one day of their life seriously, yet they’re comfortable throwing out the people that learned for 50 years. It’s obvious that daas torah isn’t valued and I fully understand why they don’t speak up anymore. You don’t have to rebuke those who you know won’t listen
Unless the system changes to where there are equal boys and girls in the system by having them marrying at similar ages there will al pi derech hateva be numerous issues. This is what happens when you try to mess with the rules of supply and demand. It just can’t and doesn’t work. So either deal with the root cause or hock about every issue that arises from ignoring what is in front of our very eyes the solution.
There is no limud zechus on a publication that advertises a mixed concert halfway through Elul ..2 weeks before Yom hadin, or a mag that buys a high definition camera to take a photo of a piece of meat. none whatsoever