This is a difficult letter to write, but it is even harder to stay silent. I am a bochur in a typical, mainstream yeshiva, and I believe there is a significant crisis quietly affecting many young men like me. The challenges in kedusha that we face daily are overwhelming, yet they remain largely undiscussed and, as a result, unmanaged. Many of us feel alone in this struggle, wondering if we’re the only ones facing these difficulties. I am certain I’m not alone in thinking that something urgently needs to change.
As it is, most yeshivos only have a handful of sefarim on the topic of kedusha, and they often lack the openness and guidance needed to address the real struggles contemporary bochurim face. Simply having sefarim and books available isn’t enough. Many young men feel ashamed or isolated, questioning whether they are somehow flawed for experiencing these challenges. Without proper education or someone to talk to, curiosity can drive boys to seek out information from sources that do more harm than good. Without guidance, some might feel lost, powerless, and unsure of where to turn.
Speaking as a bochur struggling along with countless others, I believe it is time for yeshivos to take a more active role in addressing these challenges openly and maturely. It’s not enough to hope that we will “figure it out” or to provide general advice without clear, practical guidance. Rebbeim or educators should talk to students about kedusha struggles in a way that acknowledges the normalcy of the struggle while also encouraging responsible and Torah-aligned ways to cope. If rebbeim feel uncomfortable or unprepared for this, perhaps the answer is to bring in professionals who specialize in this area and who can discuss it with sensitivity and understanding.
Imagine the impact if bochurim knew that they are not alone, that their struggles are normal, and that there is a healthy, Torah-based way to approach these challenges. Such an approach would empower us to deal with our struggles, reduce the crushing feelings of shame and isolation, and encourage us to build our lives on a foundation of kedusha, confidence, and resilience.
This might not be an easy conversation to have, but it is necessary. It’s time for yeshivos to act and acknowledge this pressing issue rather than ignoring it or expecting students to “just manage.” My generation is facing challenges unlike any before, with pressures that are amplified and access to information that can lead in dangerous directions.
With hope and encouragement for change,
A Concerned Yeshiva Bochur
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41 Responses
The internet + phone made this challenge 10X.
Prior to that, one had to go to great lengths to engage with non-kedusha materials.
Now it is with us everywhere ( bathroom , car etc)
Good luck on your journey – if it makes you feel a bit better, just know that all of us struggle. I would venture to say this is the greatest spiritual challenge of our generation.
Keep strong!!
“Many young men feel ashamed or isolated, questioning whether they are somehow flawed for experiencing these challenges.”
Without addressing the overall topic, this specific statement is simply a mistake. When one clearly understands the function of the יצר הרע and for what roll he was created, he’ll understand that not only does a challenge doesn’t mean he’s less worthy, but the opposite is true, a challenge in a certain area means that in this area you are given the power and the opportunity to be extra great, which someone else without this challenge can never become.
The רמח”ל in דרך השם explains that Hashem wants a person to ern his עולם הבא, to build it and own it, in order for it to be a הטבה שלימה. For that it was necessary to give a כח בחירה and create a יצר הרע, in order for a person to struggle and battle and thus earn his עולם הבא. That’s what is meant by “והנה טוב מאד – זה יצר הרע”, because without him a person would only have טוב, but not טוב מאד.
I really respect this letter and understand where you are coming from.
First, certain Rebbeim, although you may not realize, are very approachable and can be extremely helpful.
If you are uncomfortable with that – Guard Your Eyes is a FANTASTIC organization where they can be of tremendous help and you can remain anonymous.
Finally, the daily Vayimaen videos provide tremendous chizzuk. (link below)
I wish you LOTS of hatzlacha! Do. Not. Give. Up.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPAM1I3qF0vDiYqIotHR3Fw
I didn’t have access to YWN forum as a Bochum, but I agree on the issue. Though, it’s not just a Bocherim crisis it’s married persons crisis too – even women
To the writer
Why is it the job of the yeshiva and not the parents job to address it? Did you ever talk to them about this issue?
Go to Guard Your Eyes. Join the community there, connect with some of the mentors.
There’s help and hope!!
You and others like you who are reading this can break free and live the life of a true Ben Torah.
There is an amazing book “Bachur to Bachur” written by a Yeshiva bachur himself. It is promoted by GYE and has haskamos from HaRav Shmuel Kamenetzky Shlita, HaRav Elya Brudni Shlita amongst other haskomos.
It is specifically geared to help the “regular” Yeshiva bachur struggling with these very normal nisyonos and to help him feel not alone in this very heiligeh struggle.
Hashem should be with you and CH”V don’t be meyaesh because you are perfectly normal and not alone.
Most importantly, know that you CAN overcome it and CAN still grow up being a great Talmid Chochom, Ehrlicher Yid etc.
FYI it is available on Amazon.
A Yeshiva Bochur on the internet asking for help with kedusha????? I’m a little confused.
https://torahanytime.com/lectures/273508
great talk on this topic
Vayimaen.org is a wonderful organization.
Wow reading your letter brings tears to my eyes. The struggles and nisyonos that you describe are so tremendously relatable. I myself struggled with various kedusha nisyonos through my years in mesivta, beis medrash, and then on and into my marriage. It had always tremendously bothered me that there was so little help available. I struggled with tremendous guilt and shame for way too many years. I spent many years feeling terribly alone in my struggles thinking I was the only guy in my Yeshiva that struggled.
Although you are probably right that our rebbeim and yeshivos should be more involved in our struggles, I will let you know about two amazing resources that may be of help to you.
For those that have internet access, there is a website called guardyoureyes.com that was created for yidden that struggle with kedusha related issues. This website has an entire anonymous community with members from every part of klal yisroel. I’d strongly suggest checking it out.
For those without internet access, there is an amazing organization called YIdden helping YIdden. This organization was started to be able to guide and mentor people through such nisyonos. They mainly mentor over the phone (anonymously) but they have an email as well. They can be reached by phone at 732 800 6540, or by email at [email protected]. I’ve had many interactions with this organization and I can my life has changed dramatically by speaking to their mentors.
Hatzlacha!
This is nothing new. Bochorim have experienced this issue for thousands of years. The way to deal with it today is the same as time immemorial how we dealt with it always in the past.
Is kedusha, as used here, a euphemism for the struggle against teivas noshim among the unmarried? Being married cures nothing. The bright shine on the car, so to speak, wears off quickly. Or as one rosh yeshiva told me, “Don’t think a shidduch will solve the problem. You will struggle with it until you’re 65.” It’s embedded in the male DNA to spread genes far and wide. That’s how HKBH made the world. Monogamy is merely a fairly recent practice, but it opposes nature. Many males, frum yungerleit included, have crossed that line.
There are certain groups in orthodoxy that are against the Torah personality it is sometimes very hard to know who they are ”first of wisdom is fear of God” to make something of yourself holy if a person would really love God and the Torah sometimes he doesn’t realize the evils in this world by yakov first they was metamah dina his daughter in ugliness then he said like in the pasuk ” that i took from the emorey with my sword and arrow” this means that he wasn’t able to get the knowledge of evil from the Torah till after other people have that knowledge first but some people openly deny the kedusha of the known sin others don’t see the effect it makes on the person others say that it is so bad that it’s the purpose of life the rambam says not marry before you own a home he says it clearly even calling people that don’t listen bad name but I once spoke to a person who is now a big man about not getting married because have no money and he said to me those people that have no money is because they don’t want to have money if they wanted it they would have it also but today I think it’s completely miracles all the money people have is not natural a person has to know that he has a personal kedusha that’s not public or for the public but himself and that is what he has to loss from sinning david hamelech twice only to you hashem did i sin not the public there is a part of a person that’s is never public domain and it only “mazek” to use it this is the same as that sin cause it says that “the Torah is not in heaven” this means that in a person there is a light that brings him to love the knowledge of Torah if he uses another person or his own for bad purposes he is saying that he lost his desire in the test that God gave him and he can not get real kedusha even if it looks like it the truth will come out in the end of bitterness…… Somebody tell the holy rabbi of Jerusalem that you don’t want holy children you want the children that belong to you from hashem
Bigtalks.org addresses this issue. They provide to parents and mechanchim guidance on how to talk to children/ teenagers. They also offer ongoing coaching to bochurim throughout their teenage years. They have a system to help the bochurim overcome nisyonos and empower them to live healthy and a Kedusha life. Their website is Bigtalks.org
They have haskamos from many leading Rabbanim and roshei Yeshivos. I got guidance from them on how to deal with my children.
My son in Yeshiva gets weekly coaching from an organization called bigtalks.
He asked for help overcoming his nisyonos and they set him up with a coach.
They give tremendous chizuck and set weekly goals with him. He feels supported and I am relieved as I have no clue on how to deal with this topic.
What a courageous letter.
It’s not about time, it’s way overdue.
I had these sentiments myself 30 years when I was a teenager.
And it’s not just a bochur’s issue. Don’t think marriage is a magic panacea. It helps, but the degree of shmira a marriage provides is highly variable. Both from couple to couple, and within the marriage over a lifetime.
Kudos for speaking up.
I identify with you. Don’t give up until you get the answers you need, and believe me, it will benefit EVERYONE.
Someone once came to Chazon Ish complaining he was overly bothered by kedusha issues. He asked what could be done about his condition? The Chazon Ish told him he just passed the normalcy test. If you would NOT have this challenge, that means you are not normal. Now deal with the problem. It’s natural.
If I may say a little idea I had:
The word RA and the word RAW are apparently the same. What makes the yetzer hara bad is when you leave it to its own devices in its raw state. If you apply the Torah-tavlin as the Doctor ordered, it’s the very best thing that every happened to you. וירא אלקים את כל אשר עשה והנה טוב מאד
Chazal say, the word מאד means the yetzer hara, because without that, there is no purpose of the entire creation. Hashem has many malachim in shamaim that do his bidding without a challenge. The Torah is for us davka because of these challenges. That was Moshe Rabenu’s proof to the malachim who objected to give the Torah into the hands of RA humans. He said, it was made for us davka, don’t you see the prescription לא תרצח לא תנאף לא תגנוב was written precisely for you?
Kudos to you, don’t hold back, get the guidance you need without shame. And share it with the world. We are waiting for you. Yashar Koach.
This bachur is absolutely right!!! PARENTS AND EDUCATORS PLEASE READ THE WONDERFUL BOOK “FROM BOYS TO MEN”, it’s a complete hadracha to help and educate our children on kedusha topics
Another resource is Lev Shomea. They are based in Eretz Yisrael, but they have an English phone line from U.S. (972)-599-503-232. For a bochur who is struggling, learning mussar sefarim could be counter-productive! Coffee Addict says it’s the parents’ job which is what the Yeshivos will tell you if you ask why they don’t talk about it. But let me make the argument that the Yeshivos should be the ones dealing with this now – and remember an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure…. Take this mashal: An expert in defusing bombs sees bombs have been placed at the door of all his neighbors. He collects them. Now he’s holding them in his hands and all he has to do is put them on the ground and they are defused. Instead, he tries calling all his neighbors to defuse them themselves. Many of the neighbors are not reachable. Most of them have no idea how to deal with a bomb and are incapable or too scared to learn how. Wouldn’t it make more sense for the expert to just deal with it himself? The Nimshal: If you rely on the parents of a class of 30 boys to speak to them, you are relying on 30 different people – most of who are unequipped or too embarressed to do it. Let ONE person do it – the person “holding the bochurim in his hands” who can be trained al pi torah how to do it and will quickly gain experience! I am seconding the voice of this bochur crying out for the Yeshivos to take responsibility here! And by the way years ago the Litvish Yeshivos DID give some education on this topic – just in the course of learning a peice Gemara which needed some explanation. Rabbeim, Roshei Yeshivos, please help… We are living in impossible times…
Pirkei Avos has the answer – at 18 to the Chupa. The Chazon Ish also quoted this (“מעשה איש”.) Only those who truly are exceptional masmidim should put of marriage. Take a lesson from the Hassidim!!
A very well written letter and surprisingly good English for someone in a mainstream Yeshiva – they have clearly taught you well!
You are completely normal. This challenge will always be there. It’s how we have been created. You can manage it, be on top of it. Use it to grow to incredible heights. However you can’t and shouldn’t want to rid yourself of it.
My advice is twofold:
(1) You must find a Rebbi you can discuss this with and seek his advice. A good Rebbi will provide you with the impetus, advice, care and understanding to grow from this challenge. It’s your life mission and you will see greatness through it and because of it.
(2) A much harder challenge. Get rid of all access to the internet. No bochur in a mainstream Yeshiva should have any access to internet. Ask your parents to order you your tickets home, tell you the news and buy your shirts. You don’t need the internet during or out of zeman. This step should remove 50% of your challenge. When it’s time to go to the workforce you beH will be married and have a Rebbi to guide you and your wife about appropriate limited internet access for your work requirements.
(3) See Oruch Hashulchon 240:2.
(4) Don’t forget to daaven. There are so many places where you can daaven for this inyan eg in Hashkiveinu
Wishing you unbelievable Hatzlocha
First, I will second the suggestion of the book “From Boys to Men”.
Second, I will reference the halacha from the Rambam wherein the Rambam states that these challenges are particularly strong in the לב פנוי מן החכמה. One needs to struggle to understand this, as the desires are certainly not correlated with poorer intellect. I suggest that we note that the Rambam referred to the לב. One would normally attribute חכמה to the brain, not the heart, where one expects to find emotion. Perhaps the message is simple. There needs to be an emotional attachment to the Torah. The individual who is passionate about studying תורת אלקים is preventing these desires from becoming priorities and gaining strength. This is a complete sugya, and has nothing to do with the competitiveness in learning that is likely to be for self gain.
Thirdly, it is critical that one address these issues 1:1. The seforim, with all their excellence, are just one piece of the puzzle. The option of having shiurim on the subject is a poor one. Again, these might be informative, but are missing the one essential ingredient, the personal guide. That’s why the mentors from the programs mentioned in earlier comments are effective. The best schmooze cannot accomplish that.
What is clear is that the problem is greater today, where we can find privacy, and the illusion of anonymity. The message of עין רואה ואוזן שומעת as stated in פרקי אבות is not an academic concept. It is something that needs to become an essential part of one’s life. That isn’t intellectual. It is emotional. When a person knows he is under the microscope of עין רואה, he will behave as if in the public eye. Again, the struggle with this is normal, and it is personal growth to develop this. One must have a personal guide. Yes, many Roshei Yeshivos are eminently qualified here. But sadly, many lack the time and resources to provide this individual attention. That’s the energy in GYE and the other mentioned options.
I agree with the yeshivah bochur. I see that hepful suggestions have been given in the comments. I just want to add one more resorce : Rabbi Shafier has a series of talks on the topic “A Frank Strategy and Plan for Conquering Desire” https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/
I never comment on anything here, but I knew I just had to when I saw the title. Although a few yeshivas have programs and resources to help with this very common issue, most do not especially among the more yeshivish. I have been in very yeshivish places and trust me they struggle just like everyone else. It could be to a lesser degree because those yeshivas don’t allow smartphones, in yeshiva. However comes bein hazmanim and EVERYONE struggles with this. All the yeshivos need to have a program available to help bochurim. EVERY SINGLE YESHIVA (and kollel for that matter). Whether the yeshivos have a legit program or just a gaurdyoureyes.com notebook idk but something needs to be done. I wish I knew how to get this revolution started I’m afraid it’ll be just like every other yeshiva world news mailbag.
I agree!!!!
Stay strong my friend. This is absolutely true and vital.
And to @Chaya13: your despicable comment shows ignorance and cold heartedness. Best not speak about things you don’t understand.
The Bucher (strangely) didn’t clearly identify the topic but I’m assuming it’s (as my son in Yeshiva tells me) that there are quite a few Yeshiva boys listening to (Hashem Yerachem) liberal, democrat podcasts.
He even overheard one group arguing that perhaps Kamala is a better candidate (Hashem Yishmor) than Trump. How have we fallen so low as to reach a level where Buchurim would consider voting for a woman? How will our Charedi media deal with this complex problem?
I’m sure it’s not the only one, but my boys’ Yeshiva gives them a “Kedusha Talk” in 7th grade (pre Bar Mitzvah for the majority of the class). The talk is given by the Mashgiach and as part of the introduction tofor parents it they specifically mention how they do this as many parents may be unconformable having these talks directly. They also encourage follow up conversations with the boys. I think having these conversations with the boys then not waiting until high school to start is beneficial. It goes a long way towards normalizing the apprehension the boys might have about the topic by removing the stigma and encouraging subsequent discussions that the boys will have with their Rebbeim, etc. as they progress through their years in Yeshiva and beyond.
As the world becomes more immoral it gets more challenging for males who care about their kedusha. It’s unfortunate that most yeshivas do not address the topics of technology and struggling with looking at things that affects their keduasha. It is not only unfortunate, but totally neglectful of roshei yeshivas to ignore these issues.
It is also an extremely sad situation where frum girls and women contribute to the hardship frum males go through by wearing x-tra long length wigs, very fitted clothing where the outline of the body’s shape and the underwear is revealed, colored nails, by behaving in a loud manner, etc. etc. So many frum women are extremely immodest. It is disgusting for frum women to dress like that.
WOW.
The first words that spring to mind. Courage, Heart break for you and yes reliving the crushing loneliness of that era of my life. YOU ARENT ALONE. THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF BOCHURIM AND MARRIED MEN that struggle with you. we are in acharis hayomim and this is the world stage of the essence of the battle between good and evil morality and liberalism.
To address your question of how come the Yeshivos dont do enough, i dont pertend to be a rosh yeshiva because im not. but i would ventue to say a few points.
1) the very private nature of this struggle is not exactly a conversation starter. imagine sitting with a rosh yeshiva and he offers do you have kedusha issues. it could either lead to a straight out knee jerk lie “NO” or a squirm .
2) A public announcement is not helpful as this is a private matter.
Bottom line. The way to deal with this is Hisgaber Koari and reach out yes its uncomfortable. BUT there ae resources. Vayimaeen, GYE, And numerous different hotlines.
When in מתיבתא the Rabbonim were graphic and discussed these issues. In general the issue of יאוש is an issue for Breslov and the תקון כללי. Singing is one way of building character as well. הצלחה on your fight with the אויב הפנימי.
What happened by Yetzias Mitzrayim will happen again. Maaseh Avos Siman Lebanim.
Before the Geula from Mitzrayim Klal Yisroel entered the 49th gate of Tuma.
We’re getting closer to the finish line, let’s be from the ones who make it out! Chazak!
totally agree with philosopher………….”frum”women must be more responsible not to put this life dangering stumbling block in front of men. the men are most certainly not happy about it and neither is hashem
One thing I’ve found reassuring is that these niayonis has been going on since beginning of time.
Dovid Hemelech and Yehuda as well as many others were Nichshal, yet they did Teshuva and are considered one of the biggest Tazadikim.
Remember it’s normal, don’t feel bad about it, and try to move on
I second the point made above that following Chazal’s advice to be married by 18 years old will go a very long way to helping alleviate a large part of this difficult issue.
WHY IS THE BIGGEST MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS AFFECTING 97% OF HEALTHY BOCHURIM NOT GETTING MORE ATTENTION THAN EVERY OTHER ORGINIZATION IN YIDDISHKEIT COMBINED!?!!????
there.
I said the obvious.
I’ve been wanting to yell that in the face of “The ‘Askanim’ who decide which needs are immediate to Klal Yisroel” for a while.
since I was 13 in fact.
frustration that cannot be put into words.
and don’t get me started on the Chevra who have ADHD… they get an extra measure of tayva- a tayvah yeseirah.
but no…
we’ll focus on other mental health crises, on other addictions, oodles of articles will be written on alcoholism and drugs in all the weekly magazines. but Ch”v we ever, EVER, mention the Elephant in the Room. and focus on kiruv and focus on….
okay fine, I guess Klal Yisroel is big, so they can have many organizations for all the Tzorchei Tzibbur.
but why is this; the biggest, most immediately pressing issue, the one swept under the rug?
Can someone step up?
why is it embarrassing if it’s a “healthy” problem?
why can’t parents talk to their kids about this?
why can’t Rabbeim talk about Inyanei Kedusha without any practical solutions, leaving the bochurim feeling confused and lost as to why they are bad (Aveira) if it’s not under your control (oness), and normal (when the yetzer hara is mephateh)?
Clearly the problem runs deeper.
Maybe we should start calling the yetzer hara by its name. instead of calling him “he-who-must-not-be-named” we should call it “Voldemort” or “Voldy”… Vihameivin Yavin
idk…
(PLEASE EDIT)
Why is such a blind eye turned to women’s part in this?
Kol Yisroel areivim zah la’zeh.
Can Rabbanim maybe implement more significant consequences for the borderline pritzus of spray-painted-on clothing and attention-seeking sheitels? Why are these appalling influences allowed in Jewish establishments? They should be barred entry, nekudah. Not in shuls, not in schools, not in kosher eateries, not in kosher supermarkets.
Not to mention the shocking idea that Torah Jews should spend Yomim Tovim hakedoshim in pritzusdikeh tropical places.
Oy meh haya lanu.
May Hashem take us out of this galus bimheira biyameinu and blast away the bilbul in which so many of our brothers and sisters are steeped.
I had spoken to Rav Moshe Aaron stern ztl the mashgiach of kamenitz in eretz Yisroel and he stressed over and over that when it comes to a bochurs learning he should be spending the overwhelming amount of his learning time in iyun over bekius. to maximize the amount of time he spends on iyun, as the minds involvement in chochma is very helpful in this area.
Another shout out for guardyoureyes.org and their bochur to bochur book which I’ve given to my sons and they found it helpful.
Your son must have The Talk, even if he’s already in the yeshiva and you think it’s too late. No ifs no buts. If you can’t do it, then find a Rebbe who can or use bigtalks. If you’re not certain that your son has had a well-calibrated Talk plus an opportunity to follow up over his teenage years, then he’s very likely struggling or worse in one or many areas and maybe in very serious issues that can affect him long term. It’s never too late, sort it out today, before Shabbos.
As a bachur struggling with kedusha myself I would defiantly recomend the https://guardyoureyes.com/ site.
Regarding the topic being spoken about in yeshivos, I would mention that going through the system and falling all the time, knowing that it is a very normal struggle would have helped me a lot. A big problem with the struggle is the fact that we struggle on our own and think it’s only us (which the gye site can help a lot for).
Sincerely,
A Struggling Bachur On The Way To Recovery