I recently attended a shiur given by Tzipora Grodko, advocating for single men and women in shidduchim. In her talk, her main premise was that we don’t have a ‘shidduch crisis’ but rather a ‘bein adam l’chaveiro crisis’. She then went on to share that sadly, many older single men and women don’t feel accepted or respected in the Jewish community, but rather judged for their single status, as if it’s somehow their fault. Consequently, they feel as if they aren’t enough and are defective.

All I could do was let out a big sigh, and an ‘oy’ and nod my head in compassionate agreement. I can’t help but wonder why we feel we can assume the role of Hashem and make someone feel undignified and disrespected for something that’s totally out of their control. Why do we point fingers at our older singles and blame them for being too picky? Why do we assume that something is wrong with them if they’re still single while their group of friends are married?

Are we so bold to assume that we are second-in-command to Hashem and are the experts on our older singles’ status? Who, more than the singles themselves, knows their struggles, feelings, and emotions? I truly believe that every person (single or not) is doing their absolute best with the tools that they currently have. How dare we mock them and reduce their self-image?

It is imperative that we change our approach and replace our judgment with compassion and kindness. We must demonstrate empathy and sensitivity and convey our willingness in trying to help them meet their bashert. Blame and disrespect will not help us help them. It will destroy their sense of self and hope. We need, now more than ever, to up our game and treat all our singles with compassion and the respect that they deserve.

“It’s not our timeline, but Hashem’s time; Hashem is the Management, and the Management has not changed,” Tzipora famously says. If we TRUST that Hashem is giving us what we need in our lives, we should realize that there is no change of Management in shidduchim. The same Hashem that is taking care of every aspect of our lives is the SAME Hashem taking care of our Shidduchim.

Let’s work with the whole person and see them as a beautiful neshama, doing their utmost best to find their zivug. Just like we don’t say that we have a ‘cancer’ or ‘divorce’ crisis, let’s not attribute our large pool of singles to a ‘shidduch crisis’ but rather a ‘bein adam l’chaveiro crisis’.

I sincerely hope and believe that in the zechus of strengthening our interpersonal relationships, every single will merit finding their zivug soon.

Signed,

S.P. 

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