I often see anonymous letters posted on your platform addressing issues within our community, and I felt inspired to share a thought that I believe could lead to positive change.
Am I the only one noticing this problem?
When I explain the shidduch system to those outside the frum community, I often find myself embarrassed by its glaring flaws. The concept of the shidduch system is beautiful in theory, but its execution has become bogged down by unhelpful technicalities, causing unnecessary challenges for everyone involved.
One particular issue seems to have a simple solution. Many boys and their parents express feeling overwhelmed by the constant flood of resumes they receive, often lacking meaningful context or thought. In contrast, many girls—perhaps the majority—wait in silence, hoping for even a single suggestion. This disparity has become so common that it’s been dubbed “the quiet times.”
Efforts to balance this system often result in well-meaning individuals suggesting girls to boys who are already drowning in resumes. But isn’t this only making things worse? We’re adding to the pile without addressing the root of the issue.
Isn’t it time to flip the script?
What if we normalized girls receiving boys’ resumes first, allowing them to give the initial yes? This simple change could create a more balanced system, where girls receive more opportunities for dates, and boys are given more thoughtful, considered suggestions.
We girls are capable of handling rejection if it means improving the system. Taking a more active role could help us tap into the blessings and shidduchim Hashem has in store for us.
While tefillos are crucial, so is our physical hishtadlus. Just imagine—having a great shidduch idea, approaching the boy, and politely asking for his resume, just as we would with a girl.
May we all merit to hear besoros tovos and see Hashem’s hand in every area of our lives, including shidduchim.
A simple change can make all the difference.
Signed,
A single girl, sitting at home and waiting
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15 Responses
Dear single girl (sitting at home and waiting),
If you believe that girls are capable of handling rejection,’
then you must be very young and very inexperienced.
Girls are *** NOT ABLE *** to cope with rejection!!
Girls will respond to rejection by taking forbidden REVENGE
against the boys who rejected them, by spreading rumors
about the boys who rejected them, designed to completely
destroy their reputations forever (also very forbidden).
None of this requires a genius to understand;
this is basic universal Female Nature,
and *** ALL *** girls are like this,
in every nation and in every language and in every place.
When you get older, you will see that I speak the truth.
Sincerely,
SQUARE_ROOT
Although I agree with your suggestion, How would this or any change ever be implemented??
Beautiful letter, well-written, and clearly something the writer feels strongly about. It’s definitely thought-provoking. Maybe this could really help a lot of people who feel helpless in shidduchim?
I love this idea! I can’t think of a downside. If a particular girl says that she doesn’t want to see a boys resume without a yes first, then she has that right. But why make that the rule? This can only get off the ground if you get Rabbanim to sign a letter and then go publicize it. Hatzalcha!
The kesuba is just as valid even if they met at work.
Author doesnt clearly explain what her problem is . I would love for her to clearly articulate what she perceives is a problem.
It may work for you but what about the sensitive girl? I know you are trying to be proactive but maybe try to get involved with more volunteering jobs and in that zechus you should find your bashert.
100%!!!!
100%!!!!
My oldest boy started shidduchim about 9 months ago. We do get contacted by shadchunim where the girl said yes already. It’s great. I appreciate those and wish it happens more often. Good for everyone involved.
Chazal tell us:
אונאתה קרובה מתוך שדמעתה מצויה
(a woman is more inclined to experience emotional pain, just as she is more apt to come to tears).
While each individual may be different, this suggests that, in general, women are more sensitive to rejection than men and we need to be sensitive to that.
Rejection is part of life. It can’t be completley avoided. But shadchanim, parents and others can counsel both men and women proactively to cope effectively with potential rejections. And when it does happen, they can soften the pain that it brings by delivering disappointing news with tact and sensitivity.
Lots of ridiculous generalizations in the comment section here makes me think some of you have never spoken to the opposite gender before. Others seem to have reading comprehension skills.
@SQUARE_ROOT
I truly feel bad for the woman who is married to you, that is if you are actually married.
What square root said was not wrong, it was just written in a very blunt way.
Lemaseh, if a girl gets a suggestion, says yes, and then the boy says no, the girl will get very hurt, more than a boy would, and therefore, both to protect the girl from such shame and hurt, and the boy from revenge, this has been the system for quite a long time.
If you are going to talk about the problems in the “shidduch system” as you might call it, talk about the things that really are a problem, not criticising something that was put in place to protect girls and boys alike.
Pine5900,
She said “sitting at home and waiting”. She is hoping that if she gets a chance to say yes to a boy then he will consider her over the dozens of other girls who didn’t say yes. She is trying to be more proactive to get more dates.
Will it help her in practice, maybe a little but probably not much. She is just running out of ideas. I think she would be better of if she discussed it with a mentor or Rabbi/Rabbetzen.
@pure yiddishkeit
Genuinely curious, what do you think ARE the things that are really a problem in the shidduch system?